Fresh Meat Group Chat One
Davis
Did anyone else see the Fontenot/Volkov thing at practice today?
Mueller
Which thing? The failed breakout or the part where Fontenot forgot how geometry works?
Davis
The bag skate. They were paired for the two-on-one. Fontenot took the puck for a scenic tour of the boards instead of passing to Volkov. Coach blew the whistle. They ran it again. Same thing. Fontenot went wide again.
Mueller
That's a garbage read. Volkov was open. I could have passed to Volkov. My grandmother could have passed to Volkov.
Novák
Mueller.
Mueller
What?
Novák
It wasn't a bad read. It was a protest. He won't pass to him.
Mueller
Why would anyone deliberately not pass to an open teammate? That makes zero hockey sense.
Davis
You remember at lunch last week when I said they had history?
Mueller
You said their chemistry was off. Novák said "something like that" and then asked me to pass the salt.
Novák
He remembers salt logistics but can't read a room. Incredible.
Mueller
I can read a room. I just prioritize hockey.
Novák
Your reading list is one word long.
Mueller
And yet effective.
Novák
Two years ago. Playoffs. Fontenot's team against Volkov's. There was a hit. A dirty one. Then words in the handshake line. Or a refusal to shake. Depending on who you ask.
Mueller
How do you know all this?
Novák
Because I have eyes and ears and I pay attention to things other than crossover technique
Davis
It's been everywhere. ESPN runs the clip every time they mention the team. It's practically our intro music.
Mueller
I don't watch ESPN.
Novák
What do you watch?
Mueller
Game film. And the Weather Channel.
Novák
Of course you do.
Hájek
I also did not know this. But I am from Czech Republic so I have excuse.
Novák
You have the best excuse, Hájek. Mueller has no excuse. Mueller is actively avoiding reality.
Mueller
I have an excuse. It's called focusing on my own game.
Davis
Anyway. It's getting worse. Asher had to step between them after the second rep. Ikonen just watched from the blue line like a statue.
Novák
Ikonen isn't a statue. He's a gargoyle. He sees everything, judges silently, moves for no one.
Davis
He reacted though. He let Asher handle it. That was the reaction.
Novák
Fair point. Stoic delegation.
Mueller
So they just hate each other?
Novák
They are on the same line and one would rather skate into traffic than pass the puck. You tell me.
Mueller
That seems optimal for failure.
Davis
It's definitely a problem.
Hájek
In Czech league, when two players fight, coach makes them do bag skate until they are too tired to be angry. Very effective.
Novák
Please tell me you're joking.
Hájek
No. You skate until you are too tired to hate. Or you vomit. Usually vomit.
Novák
The NHL version of couples therapy.
Davis
Skate until you either vomit or forgive.
Mueller
That's not in any CBA I've read.
Novák
You read the CBA but don't watch ESPN. I'm reassessing all my life choices.
Later that afternoon
Hájek
Question. Perry said a phrase to me today and I do not understand.
Davis
Go ahead.
Hájek
He said "that pass was filthy." But filthy means dirty. Unwashed. The pass was good. It was clean. Marchetti scored.
Novák
Welcome to English. "Filthy" means disgusting. It also means beautiful. "Sick" means ill. It also means amazing. Context determines meaning.
Hájek
This is a terrible language.
Novák
Accurate
Hájek
How do I know which one?
Davis
Was he smiling?
Hájek
Perry was smiling. Too many teeth.
Davis
Then your pass was filthy. In the good way.
Hájek
I hate this. I will add this to my list.
Mueller
You have a list?
Hájek
Of English words that mean the opposite of what they should mean. It is long.
Novák
How long?
Hájek
Two pages. Small handwriting. I need extra page for literal, wicked, and sick. Why is this language so confusing?
Davis
Because we like to keep you on your toes, buddy.
Novák
If anyone calls your shot "stupid," that's also good.
Hájek
This is not helpful.
Late Night
Mueller
Has anyone else noticed there's a cat at the facility?
Davis
Mueller.
Mueller
WHAT.
Davis
We have been talking about the cat for a week.
Mueller
I've been focused on hockey!!
Novák
Put it on your tombstone.
Novák
"Here lies Mueller. Missed the cat, blocked the shot."
Davis
Anyway. He hangs around the equipment room. Black with a white patch.
Hájek
Do we know it's a boy? I thought it was a girl. She is very nice. I petted her yesterday. She has very polite paws.
Novák
"Polite paws." Hájek, never change.
Davis
I guess no one really knows, but it's got boy energy. And he follows Ikonen around. I don't think he realizes it. Or he does and they are currently in a standoff to see who blinks first.
Mueller
Who? The captain or the cat?
Davis
The captain! He has a cat that hasn't decided he's his yet. Or maybe he has and he hasn't decided he's his.
Mueller
For real, who? The captain or the cat?
Novák
Yes.
Davis
It's a power struggle. Two apex predators ignoring each other in the same hallway.
Hájek
In Czech Republic, when cat chooses you, it is good luck. You do not say no to this.
Novák
I don't think Ikonen believes in luck.
Davis
No. But I think he's the type to let a cat sleep on his bag and then just… buy a new bag so he doesn't have to move it.
Mueller
So the cat is on the top line and I didn't notice. Great.
Next Morning
Mueller
Hey, unrelated. What's up with Marchetti and Thompson and Kowalski? They're always looking at their phones and laughing. Today Thompson had an actual book in his stall. Like a paperback. With pages.
Davis
I saw that. Couldn't see the title.
Novák
I saw the cover. Hockey player. No shirt. Tight jersey, tragic neck.
Mueller
A hockey book?
Novák
A romance book. About hockey.
Davis
Are they studying?
Novák
They are not studying.
Mueller
How do you know? Maybe they're looking for plays.
Novák
Mueller, nobody giggles at the neutral zone trap.
Hájek
Maybe it is a funny tactical book.
Novák
Maybe. With very educational diagrams.
Davis
I feel like Novák knows more than he's saying.
Novák
I know everything. And I say nothing. Good night.
Hájek
Good night ??
Mueller
Why the chicken?
Hájek
It is my emoji. I have chosen it.
Mueller
But why?
Hájek
Because the chicken is brave. It crosses the road. I am paying respect.
Davis
Don't question the chicken, Mueller.
Mueller
I am simply asking for the logic!
Novák
The lack of logic is the point. Go to sleep.
Davis
Night guys.
Mueller
Night. See everyone at morning skate.
Hájek
??