Chapter 2
Chapter Two
December 2001
J osie sat in the back of the ambulance with Tara and tried her best to talk her down. “Just breathe, honey. It’s going to be all right!” But Josie herself was so frantic, so out of her mind with worry, that she was sure her own anxiety was infecting Tara and making everything worse. Josie’s heart was breaking. Just a week ago, she’d brought Tara home from college. All Tara had said was, “I have to drop out.” Josie thought Tara had flunked or something. She’d thought it was something simple like waywardness, a difficult professor, or even a bad breakup.
But Johan, the Swedish immigrant, had whispered to Josie before the ambulance arrived and Tara had fully regained consciousness, “She said something about a baby?” Johan was always very polite and soft-spoken. He didn’t let anyone else hear. Josie was grateful for that.
Gossip on Nantucket was like a forest fire. It needed to be contained.
Now, Tara mumbled up at Josie, saying something Josie couldn’t understand. Her eyes were big and frightened. Josie felt like an inadequate older sister. Wasn’t she supposed to protect Tara?
“Is the baby dead?” Tara rasped a little bit louder.
Josie’s heart felt squeezed. “We’re almost to the hospital. Don’t worry yourself. I’m sure the baby’s fine. You’re going to be all right.”
It felt terribly surreal to be talking about a baby. Haven’t Tara and I drunk wine together since she got home? Josie scanned her memories and wasn’t sure.
Tara lay back on the stretcher. One of the EMTs asked Tara a variety of questions, like how far along the pregnancy was and how she was feeling. Tara said she was pretty sure she was three months pregnant. She said she was beginning to feel better, that the world wasn’t spinning quite as much.
“But I need to go back to the festival and announce the winners of the Christmas Queen pageant,” she said.
The EMT laughed. “I think they can handle that themselves. We need to make sure you’re okay. That’s our priority.”
Tara twisted her head around and gazed back up at Josie. “Mom and Dad can’t find out.”
Josie understood now. This was why Tara hadn’t wanted to tell their parents she’d dropped out. This was why she’d thrown herself so completely into the Christmas Festival. She was trying to figure out the real problem at hand—the fact that she’d gotten pregnant out of wedlock, and their parents would not be pleased.
Josie had been victim to the wrath of Bob and Cindy Steiner numerous times. But Tara had always been their perfect daughter.
Always, it was Tara who Bob loved. It was always Tara who got everything she wanted.
“They’ll understand,” Josie whispered. But she wasn’t sure that was true. Bob and Cindy were incredibly religious. They were upstanding members of the Nantucket community. They were extremely proud. Beyond that, they believed Tara to be their perfect daughter; she could do no wrong. What would happen when they learned Tara wasn’t half as perfect as they’d always thought?
Up at the hospital, Tara was forced to undergo a series of tests. This left Josie alone in the waiting room, watching the little television in the corner. About a half hour after they’d come in, their parents bustled into the waiting room, looking stricken.
“Where is she?” Bob demanded.
“She’s okay,” Josie assured them. “They’re just doing some tests.”
“She should never have thrown together the festival so quickly,” Cindy said, furrowing her brow. “It was too much for her after a difficult semester. She always does too much.”
“She’s an academic,” Bob blared. “She shouldn’t be out in the cold this long. She shouldn’t be doing such menial tasks.”
Josie hesitated. She remembered telling Tara to lie to their parents about dropping out of school earlier in the night. Just tell them you fell in love with event planning instead! Lie about your failure! But Tara couldn’t very well lie about the baby. A baby was coming whether she wanted it to or not.
But this was Tara’s news to tell. It wasn’t Josie’s.
Suddenly, the doctor came out of Tara’s hospital room.
Bob burst forward to talk to him. “Hey, Mike,” he said because he knew everyone on the island. He was a born and raised Nantucketer. “How’s my little girl doing?”
Josie knew that Bob would never call Josie his “little girl.” She wasn’t even sure Bob would hurry to the hospital if she were unconscious.
But these weren’t helpful thoughts right now. She knew that.
“She’s stable,” the doctor said. “You can go in and see her if you want to.”
Bob tore past the doctor with Cindy hot on his heels. Josie grimaced and hurried after them. How could she protect her sister from the horrors of their parents? But Bob and Cindy were already on either side of Tara’s bed, looking down at her, doting on her.
Tara’s face was pale as ivory. Josie tiptoed to the edge of her bed and touched Tara’s hand.
“We were worried sick!” Cindy declared. “Bev came up to us and told us you fainted. You’ve never fainted, Tara! I’ve never known you to faint, anyway. Did you faint back in college? Is it all the stress of finals? Oh, I don’t know why you wanted to plan that Christmas Festival. Nantucket didn’t need one this year! We just need our little girl home safe! And what’s this nonsense about you living with Josie? We have your room ready for you.”
Tara remained quiet. Her eyes searched for Josie’s. Josie gave her a look that meant I’m here, no matter what .
Josie was surprised by what happened next.
“Mom? Dad? I need to tell you something,” Tara breathed.
Was she really going to come out with it? So easily?
Cindy’s face was suddenly as hard as stone. Like any mother, it was as though she knew right away what was coming next. Bob was as confused as ever, though.
“What’s going on, sweetie?” Bob asked. “We’ll help you. Whatever it is.”
Tara exhaled deeply. Josie wanted to scream out and tell her, Don’t do it! It’s a trap!
But Tara was already explaining herself. “It’s just that, well, the thing is…” She stuttered and then seemed to instill herself with strength. “I’m pregnant. Three months, I think.”
A stony silence fell. Josie had never seen her father like this—his shoulders hunched, his hands to his sides. He looked defeated. Cindy looked on the brink of tears. She sniffed and looked up at Bob. But Bob couldn’t look at Cindy, either. Suddenly, he turned on his heel and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Cindy scampered after him, leaving Josie and Tara alone.
Tara stared dully at the ceiling. Tears rolled from her eyes and into her hair. Josie squeezed Tara’s hand. “They’ll come around, Tara. They’re just in shock.”
Tara seemed unable to speak. Josie’s heart broke for her. She knew what it was like to have Bob Steiner slam a door in your face. But Tara didn’t.
“I feel like such a loser,” Tara rasped.
“Are you kidding me? You just planned an extraordinary Christmas Festival! Nantucket wouldn’t have had one without you!” Josie cried.
Tara closed her eyes and shook with tears. Her sobs echoed off the black windows, and Josie’s heart shattered over and over again.
She thought of Tara as a little girl, crying after a bike accident. She thought of their father blaming Josie for the accident, saying, You shouldn’t have been going so fast, Josie! Tara wants to keep up with you, and she just can’t!
You have to be mindful of your little sister! She looks up to you! She watches everything you do!
Josie’s eyes filled with tears, too.
“I feel like a fool,” Tara said.
“You shouldn’t,” Josie assured. “You’re the most brilliant woman I know.”
“I’m barely a woman. I should be getting ready to graduate from college. I should finally be picking a college major. I shouldn’t be pregnant with some guy’s baby.”
Josie’s heart felt squeezed. “Whose baby is it?”
Tara scrunched her nose. “His name is Donnie.”
“Donnie? Is he your boyfriend?”
“He is, or he was,” Tara said. “I didn’t tell him I was leaving town. We maybe broke up a couple of weeks ago, anyway. I’m not sure.”
Josie gaped at her. “You left college and your boyfriend all at once?”
“He would have freaked out about the baby.” Tara sighed. “He’s in a band. He dropped out of college. He wants to make music his career.”
“But he’s going to have a baby with his girlfriend!” Josie cried.
“He doesn’t want that.”
Josie sighed. “Do you have his number?”
“Don’t call him, Josie,” Tara said.
But Josie couldn’t just sit there. She couldn’t watch her sister’s heart break. She had to reach out to Donnie.
She couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie.
“What if Dad never talks to me again?” Tara whispered, her lower lip trembling.
“He will,” Josie told her. “You just need to rest! He needs to calm down! This time next year, it’ll be you and me and Mom and Dad and that little baby! It’ll be your baby’s first Christmas! We’ll have so much fun!”
But even as she said it, Josie sensed she was describing a future that wouldn’t exist.
Tara squeezed her eyes shut and let out another sob.
A moment later, the nurse entered with a tray of food. “The doctor says you need to eat,” she said, sidling up next to Tara.
“I’m just running to the bathroom,” Josie said. “Be right back.”
Josie sped down the hall to the pay phone at the far end, near the double-wide doors. Outside, the snow had intensified, blanketing the parking lot. A part of her wondered if she should call their parents and beg them to come back. Your daughter needs you. Remember, it isn’t me. It’s the daughter you actually care about. Instead, she dialed her sister’s old apartment just outside campus.
To Josie’s displeasure, Tara’s roommate’s boyfriend answered—Steve.
“Hi, Josie,” Steve said. He sounded bored, and it felt like he was eating something. “Didn’t you know? Your sister moved out. What happened, anyway? Did she fail out of college?”
Josie clung hard to the edge of the payphone and flared her nostrils. “I need some help, Steve. Can you put one of Tara’s roommates on?”
“Nobody’s here, actually,” Steve said. “Just me.”
Why are you always there, Steve? You don’t pay rent! she did not say.
Instead, she asked, “Okay. Do you know somebody named Donnie? I’m trying to get ahold of him.”
Steve whistled. “Old Donnie! He’s a rad guy.”
Josie rolled her eyes into the back of her head. “Cool. Do you know his number?”
It took Steve far too long to find the address book, find the phone number, and list the numbers for Josie. But finally, finally, Josie had the number scrawled on a little scrap of paper, and finally, finally, she was calling Donnie’s house. A guy with a scratchy voice answered on the third ring.
Their conversation did not go well.
Of course, Josie wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Josie wasn’t sure how she would feel if a stranger called her and told her she was going to be a parent. She probably wouldn’t take it well.
At first, Donnie was obstinate. “Why should I believe you? Why should I believe it’s my baby? Maybe she was seeing other guys. Maybe…”
But Josie argued with him. She fought back. And within ten minutes, Donnie was weeping. “I love Tara. I love her! Why didn’t she tell me what was going on? She should have told me about the baby! I would have taken care of her!”
Josie could hardly believe her ears.
After another ten minutes, Josie crept back down the hall to her sister. Tara hadn’t eaten a single bite of her dinner. Her eyes were on the black window where snow fluttered past. She looked desperate.
“I messed up,” Tara muttered over and over. “I really messed up.”
Josie couldn’t tell her what was going to happen.
She wanted it to be a beautiful gift.
Instead, that night, Josie sat up with Tara until Tara fell asleep. Josie dozed in the chair next to her bed until the hospital kicked her out, but she was back early the following morning after demanding that a coworker take her shift at the hotel. When Tara was discharged that afternoon, Josie wheeled her out. Tara couldn’t speak; everything was so glum. She couldn’t believe their parents hadn’t come to see her. She couldn’t believe they hadn’t apologized for storming out.
“You must think I’m so naive,” Tara breathed.
But Josie just said, “No! You love them. They love you. I know they’ll come around.”
The following afternoon, Tara felt well enough to go back to the Christmas Festival. Most everyone had learned about her pregnancy, presumably because somebody had overheard what happened and told the whole town about it. Most everyone was really kind, welcoming Tara into the bonds of motherhood. Tara couldn’t walk very far, so Josie made sure she didn’t exhaust herself. She soon sat Tara down by a bonfire, bundled her up with blankets, and told her to sit tight.
“Why?” Tara asked.
“You need to rest,” Josie told her.
This wasn’t exactly a lie, of course.
But when Donnie appeared in the crowd and saw Tara for the first time since he’d learned of the pregnancy, Tara’s face broke open with surprise. She hadn’t expected this. She hadn’t even thought of dreaming of it.
“Tara?” Donnie cried. He hurried toward her and fell to his knees in front of her. His eyes caught the firelight.
Josie thought she’d never seen anything more romantic in her life. She was watching from the opposite side of the bonfire.
It was the first time she’d planned something beautiful and watched it transpire. She joked to herself that Tara was an event planner, and maybe she was a life planner.
“Tara, I missed you,” Donnie whispered. “I can’t live without you.”
Josie thought it was heavy-handed, but it did the trick. By the end of the night, Donnie had asked Tara to marry him and promised he’d raise their baby with her. Tara was so smitten and overjoyed that she couldn’t stop crying.
“I don’t know how he found out about the baby!” Tara kept saying to Josie. “It’s like he just sensed it. It’s like his heart knew.”
Josie agreed and hugged her sister. She just wanted her to be happy.
Unfortunately for Josie, she found out tonight that her brand-new boyfriend was cheating on her with a server from Hyannis. Josie decided that figured. Of the two sisters, Tara was allowed love and joy. It was necessary for Josie to pick up the pieces. It was okay.
“When do I get to meet your boyfriend?” Tara asked later that night. She was drinking hot chocolate and resting her head on Donnie’s shoulder. “You were so excited about him when you picked me up last week. But it’s like he’s a ghost!”
“Probably soon!” Josie lied, although she’d just broken up with him and was on the edge of tears.
Tara looked at Donnie and blushed. “I can’t wait to tell Mom and Dad. They’re going to love you.”
Donnie beamed and kissed her. “Parents always love me.”
But Josie and Tara hadn’t heard from Bob or Cindy since the hospital.
After she left Donnie and Tara by the fire, Josie asked around at the Christmas Festival. “Have you seen my parents?” Nobody had.
Josie had a bad feeling, one she couldn’t fully understand.
“Your dad was taking it pretty hard,” Walter at the carousel told her as he took the children’s tickets. “You know how he is. He always wants everything to be perfect. But he’ll come around. He’s probably stewing at home, wondering how to repair his reputation.”
Josie was surprised anyone would speak so plainly about her father. But she squeezed Walter’s shoulder and thanked him.
“People are stubborn around here.” Walter shook his head. “But you’re one of the good ones, Josie. Never change.” He winked.
Josie returned to the bonfire to find Donnie and Tara talking about baby names, of all things.
“There you are!” Tara cried sweetly. “What do you think about Gwenievere for a girl?”
Josie laughed. “Is she a fifteenth-century princess?”
“Maybe she is,” Tara joked.
Josie did her best to maintain her smile. “I have to head out for an hour or so,” she said. “But I’ll be home soon.”
Tara laughed. “You’re going to meet your secret boyfriend, aren’t you?”
Josie made a face that meant I’ll never tell !
Tara laughed louder. “See, Donnie? She has a life I’ll never know about! Drive safe, Josie. We’ll see you back home?”
Josie already resented the fact that Donnie was going to spend the night in her apartment. Her beautiful dream of living with Tara for the next few years—dating and cooking and dreaming together—was already crushed.
But Josie had to focus.
On the drive to her parents’ place, Josie imagined what she’d say when she confronted them. Pull yourselves together. Tara needs us right now. She’s going to be a wife and mother. And she’s a good event planner, too! She didn’t make a “mistake.” Life is happening. It’s always happening. You need to forgive and move on.
But when Josie pulled into their parents’ place, she found it dark and locked.
This was a surprise. Where could they have gone? All their friends were at the Nantucket Christmas Festival. They didn’t have any family anymore. Everyone had passed away.
Josie crept to the garage door to peer in. Their car was gone, too.
Mystified, she checked for the spare key under the rock in the garden. It wasn’t there.
All the doors were locked.
Josie’s heart began to pound. She stood along the edge of the beach, scuffing the toes of her boots in the sand and gazing up at the moon.
She whispered to the sky, “Where are you? We need you!”
It was nothing she would have said to her mother’s or father’s faces. But speaking it aloud nearly shattered her heart.
It wasn’t till the next day that Josie got an answer. Following a weird hunch, she talked to her father’s real estate buddy Marv. He told her that, yes, the house was going up for sale in the new year, and yes, it was already cleared out. Their parents had moved just like that.
“They didn’t tell me where they were going,” he said. “I figured they’d tell their daughters. But they didn’t say?”
“No!” Josie was exasperated.
“They didn’t even hint?” Marv asked. “Maybe they left a note somewhere. Maybe they told you, and you forgot?”
But how could Josie forget something like that?
Josie was stricken. On the one hand, her parents’ departure was a burden off her shoulders. But on the other hand, she knew Tara would take it hard. She’d blame herself.
Josie prepared to tell Tara.
But when she got back to the apartment they now shared with Donnie, she found Donnie and Tara laughing together on the sofa, eating snacks and watching television. She found her little sister happy and in love as she grew more pregnant by the day.
She’d tell Tara soon.
But right now, she’d let her ride the highs of love.
“Real life” would crash on her soon enough. It always did.