Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
January 2025
Nantucket Island
T he morning after the doctor’s appointment, Tara found Josie bundled up on the back porch, watching the birds caw and sweep over the Nantucket Sound. The temperature had risen slightly—it was above freezing—and some of the snow had melted, dripping in constant rhythm off the roof.
“There you are.” Tara had just been searching frantically for her in Josie’s bedroom, in the kitchen, in the study.
“I didn’t run away,” Josie said. “I just wanted some fresh air.”
Tara bundled up and grabbed a fresh mug of tea for Josie and a new one for herself. Together, they sat silently and watched the water roll onto the frothy sands and disappear again.
“I ran into Johan last night,” Tara said finally because she wanted things to be normal between her and Josie and to feel connected again. Talking about boys was a way forward, even this deep into their forties.
Josie’s smile was enormous. “Tell me everything.”
“There isn’t much to tell. He was outside the wine bar and came in when he saw me. We, um, we might meet up later this week. At the wine bar. Because he hasn’t been before.”
Josie laughed. “I’m sure he’s only going because he hasn’t been before. I’m sure it has nothing to do with wanting to be there with you.”
“He needs friends,” Tara reminded her.
“He wants love,” Josie said. “He’s always wanted love from you.”
Tara rolled her eyes but couldn’t wipe the smile from her face. All night, she’d dreamed of him, of what it might be like to have him in bed with her, sleeping soundly in their private universe of warmth.
Tara pulled a sip of tea into her mouth. A seagull cawed out, louder than the others, as though it wanted to win something.
Tara wanted to pry Josie about the medical treatment. What was she thinking about it? But she didn’t want to sour the mood.
So instead, Tara asked, “How would we even get ahold of Mom and Dad? I don’t know where they are. I don’t know anything about them.”
Josie was quiet for a moment. “I’ve had Mom’s cell phone number for years.”
“How?” Tara was surprised. “Wait. Do you guys talk?”
“No, we don’t,” Josie said. “I haven’t talked to her since, well. Since Winnie was a toddler, I guess. But Joe used his contacts to get me her cell phone number once. And I’ve had it saved in my phone ever since.”
Tara couldn’t believe this. Their mother was just a phone call away. After all these years, it seemed practically impossible.
“Do you know where they live?”
Josie nodded. “Seattle.”
“For how long?”
“I’m not sure. Joe suggested they’d been there at least ten years,” Josie said.
“Seattle.” Tara closed her eyes as fear rolled over her. She’d never been there; she’d hardly been west at all. But to her, Seattle was dark and gray and rainy. Besides the ocean, it looked like a completely different planet to Nantucket. How had they ended up there?
But then Tara thought of something. “You talked to Mom after Winnie was born?”
Josie grimaced. “I didn’t want to tell you. I was just so angry with them. We needed their help with Winnie. We needed their help with everything. But it was a mistake to call. It was too soon after they left. All Mom said was something like, ‘We just couldn’t do it anymore.’ It didn’t make sense to me.”
Tara gaped at her and repeated, “We just couldn’t do it anymore?”
“So dramatic,” Josie said.
Tara wrapped her arms around her legs and sat in a tight ball. “Mom and Dad made it pretty clear they want nothing to do with us. Why would we seek them out?”
“Because life is too short.”
Tara closed her eyes and listened to her heart thud. “Maybe. Maybe we could just go to Seattle,” she offered. “I have a gap between events. I have time. And even if they don’t want to see us, I want to see where they live. I want to know what they left us for.”
Josie smiled. “We’re going to Seattle?”
“If you feel up to it!” Tara said, her voice higher in pitch than she’d planned for. “I know how tired you are.”
“I’m the strongest I’ll ever be right now,” Josie said. “And this is what I want.”
Tara sighed and rubbed her temples. Why was she doing this? Why was she going out of her way to experience heartache?
“All right,” Tara said. “Maybe we can book the flights in a week or two?” She felt tentative. She wanted to give herself a little more room to breathe.
“No road trip?”
Tara gave Josie a pointed look. She considered saying, We don’t have time for that.
But Josie burst into laughter. “I’m just kidding. That would be insane.”
Two days later, Tara was back at the wine bar with Johan. Quietly, they studied the menu and waited for the server to return to take their order. Tara had been too nervous to eat, and it felt as though her stomach was eating itself. Johan ordered a glass of red wine and several plates to share—flatbread and brussels sprouts, sweet potato fries and some dense, stinky cheeses. Tara ordered the same red wine, so they opted to buy the bottle instead.
It was a real date.
When they had their glasses, they clinked, and Tara braved a glance into Johan’s gorgeous blue eyes.
“Thank you for coming out with me,” he said. “I hate to admit that I’ve been lonely.”
Tara considered saying I’ve been lonely for years. But she didn’t want to bring down the mood.
“It’s my pleasure,” she said. “You were always one of my favorite islanders. It’s hard to believe it’s been so long since you left.”
Was that too forward?
Johan smiled. “I didn’t know I was a favorite at all. I always thought I was the forgotten, weird Swedish guy.”
“Never forgotten.”
Johan smiled.
Tara burned with questions. She wanted to know if he missed his ex-wife. She wanted to know if he ever wanted to get married again. She wanted to know so much.
But instead, Johan asked, “How is Josie’s return going for you?”
Tara melted. “I’m so pleased to have her here. But it’s been difficult.”
Johan nodded. “She’s quite sick, isn’t she?”
“She really is.” Tara inhaled sharply and filled her mouth with wine. “But before this, we hadn’t seen each other in years.”
Johan was taken aback. “The Steiner sisters hadn’t seen each other? That’s hard for me to believe.”
Tara bowed her head. “I’m ashamed that we let anything get between us.”
“It happens,” Johan offered softly. “I know of two guys in Sweden who haven’t spoken since one of them accidentally chopped down the other’s tree.”
“How does anyone accidentally chop down a tree?”
“He thought it was on his property, but it was actually on the other’s,” Johan said.
“Ah.” Tara laughed.
“But they were wonderful friends before that,” Johan continued. “They celebrated every holiday together. Now, they won’t even wave if they pass by on a walk.”
“It sounds so silly. I’d like to think Josie’s and my argument wasn’t half as silly. But maybe everything is after a while.”
Johan nodded. “Humans are so petty.”
“We really are.” Tara was loosening up. She was surprised at how open she felt with Johan. “She called me a few weeks ago and told me that she was going to die. She hates chemo and radiation, and she doesn’t even want to try a new treatment plan here in Nantucket. She’s preparing herself to, well…” Tara raised her shoulders. She couldn’t say die.
“That’s terribly hard,” Johan said.
Tara grimaced. “Her final wish is that we contact our parents.”
“Oh. Wow.” Johan looked grave. “After what they did?”
“It’s hard for me to accept that,” Tara admitted. “I never understood why they left. And I’m past the point of needing to know.”
“But Josie still wants to know.”
“I don’t know. My theory is that she wants to know I have a family when she’s gone.”
“That makes sense.” Johan nodded.
Tara groaned. “They live in Seattle now. We’re talking about booking flights soon, but I’m panicking. I’m just thinking about it. Maybe I’ll back out.”
Johan reached across the table and put his massive hand over hers. Tara immediately felt calmer than she had been all week.
“Life is all about pain and joy and beauty and adventure,” Johan said. “Going to Seattle to meet your parents again is opening yourself up to all of that. It can only be good.”
Tara sniffed. “I don’t know about that. I think it sounds pretty stupid.”
“I think it sounds courageous.”
Tara smiled. She didn’t want to move her hand away from his.
But soon after, the server returned with their platters of food, and their conversation found other, happier topics. Johan told her more about his life in California, along with his belief that he wouldn’t have been a good father anyway.
“I don’t believe that for a second,” Tara said, thinking of Donnie, the worst of all fathers.
“I guess I’ll never know,” Johan said.
But he didn’t sound sad about it. To Tara, it seemed he’d welcomed all the variables of his life without question. He was ready for whatever was next.
It seemed he’d decided Tara was his next adventure.
Later that night, Johan drove her home, walked her to the front door, and kissed her goodbye. Tara could have floated into the inky sky.