Chapter 10
S
loan was in a love story. She had to be because that was the only time men behaved like this. She woke up to the softest kisses, and she moaned as she readjusted into his body. Cassidy reached around her body, gripping her ass, and pulling her closer.
“Good morning,” he whispered.
Sloan couldn’t even open her eyes. “Not yet,” she whispered back. The sun wasn’t even out yet. She wasn’t ready to face reality.
“I’ve got to go, Sloan,” he said regretfully. “I’ve got to meet Loyal about some business.”
She opened her eyes, and he was there, staring at her.
She had been in love with this man since he was a boy, and she wanted to say those three words so badly.
She wouldn’t, though. It would only make him want more than she could realistically give, and that wasn’t fair to him.
She wanted to ask him to stay. They had waited for this moment for two decades, and one night hadn’t been enough.
It was passing them by already, and she desperately wanted more, but she knew there was no amount of time that would be enough except for forever.
So, he was right. She needed to accept it for what it was— a fantasy fulfilled.
Logic told her that his departure made sense, but she couldn’t convince her heart to understand. Her eyes were already fucking watering.
He kissed her, and she closed her eyes as he turned her on her back. Those kisses went from her lips to her breasts, down her stomach, until he captured his prize.
He ate breakfast quickly, pulling that morning tension right out of her body and leaving her quivering. He rested his head on her stomach, kissing her skin as she rubbed the top of his head.
“You scare me, Cass,” she whispered. She felt him tense, and she knew her words affected him.
“After you went away, my mom…” Sloan’s voice was shaking, and she had to massage her hands to stop them from trembling.
She could still see her mother’s battered body in her mind.
“She was killed…” Sloan paused as the trauma of that day seized her entire body.
“… by her boyfriend. He was someone who was supposed to love her. I saw him dote over her. Day in and day out, until one day, I came home and found her in her bedroom, beat up until she wasn’t even recognizable.
He strangled her to death, Cass, and when they finally caught him, I found out he had done the same thing to another woman before.
He was on parole for assault and attempted murder of another woman ten years before that.
He was violent, and he went away for it.
He paid for his crime and convinced everybody he was a changed man, only to do it again.
I don’t date violent men. I don’t trust rehabilitated men.
You beat that man to death, Cassidy.” She cried because she knew he wouldn’t be an exception to that rule.
“As gentle as you were with me last night, how can you hurt someone the way you did? How do you even have that in you?”
Morning had brought logic back to their situation, and the moment was sobering. He sat up, and so did she. They were no longer living in their fantasy. This was reality, and he swiped one hand down his face before leaning forward on his knees and bowing his head.
“I would never hurt you, Sloan,” he said, clearing his throat because it was knotted in emotion from the fact that he knew her fear of him was real.
“That’s what he told her, too, until he did,” she whispered.
She looked off, unable to be accountable to his stare.
He was silently pleading with her to trust him, to believe him.
She wanted to, but what was her mother’s death for if not to teach her a lesson?
If she refused to learn it, she was destined to repeat it.
Men in jail were con artists. They were masters at manipulation and concealing.
They learned how to be better deceivers in prison, and she just couldn’t be sure that Cassidy was truly different, or if he was just masquerading.
“I don’t know how to do anything except live in my truth,” Cassidy said. “I can tell you, and I will tell you, every day, that I’ll never hurt you, but it’s my actions that matter.”
“I just can’t reconcile the ‘you now’ versus the you that did that,” Sloan cried.
“The trial, Cassidy. You sat up there and didn’t show an ounce of remorse.
I came to your trial every day. I skipped school to make sure I was there next to Ellie every fucking day until the day they put you on the stand and showed the crime scene photos. ”
“I remember the shit, Sloan. I don’t need you to play it back for me,” he stated in frustration.
It had been the worst time of his life. “I looked for you after that. I searched every face in that crowd for you until I realized you weren’t coming back.
I was scared out my mind and I used to focus on you.
I thought you were the prettiest girl I’d ever seen, man.
” He nodded his head in understanding as he concluded that this wasn’t going to happen for them.
“I’m sorry I can’t be who you need. It kills me every time I feel your fear creep into your mind when I’m around.
Because I would fucking never…” He shook his head and reached for his clothes because there wasn’t even a point in continuing.
The fact that she thought he would lay a finger on her put a pain in him he couldn’t quite shake.
“I don’t want you to be anywhere you don’t feel safe, Sloan. Last night was…”
“Perfect,” she whispered, pushing a tear off her face as she watched him dress.
“A mistake, Sloan,” he said, snatching up his shirt. “I would have never taken advantage of you if I knew…”
“I don’t feel taken advantage of,” she protested. “That’s not what I’m saying!”
“Did you feel like you couldn’t say no? Like I ambushed you by coming here?
I been trying to not press you, trying to not see you, not be attracted to you, Sloan, but you’re everywhere.
You and Ellie attached at the fucking hip.
My baby sister’s best friend, and I’m in love with you.
I been on that type of time with you, Sloan.
I put your fucking picture up in my jail cell because I was proud of you, and seeing you gave me hope. ”
She gasped. His vulnerability was rare, and she felt like if she made the wrong move it would flee.
“What picture?” she asked.
“It was a medical journal article; some shit you wrote. They took your picture, and Ellie sent it to me. Your face made me feel safe for 23 years, and I get out and you tell me I fucking scare you,” he muttered, scoffing.
“Life is a mu’fucka, yo. You have no idea how long it took me to get to you.
” Hopelessness. Her fear discouraged him, and then the vulnerability was gone.
She saw him harden right before her eyes as he said, “Maybe I am the monster you think I am.”
“No!” she denied. “No, Cass, baby, no!” She approached him and held his face in her hands. He was disappointed, dejected even as he pulled his face away. His body was tense. His shame was high.
“Ellie gave me your address. I told her you left something in the sprinter. I should have never come here without being invited,” he stated.
“Scared of me hurting you? That’s wild, man,” He shook his head.
She had offended him. She was hurting him.
I’m the bad guy, she thought. She didn’t mean to tear him down with her truth.
She knew she cared too much because his disappointment filled her with agony, too.
“I’ma respect your boundaries, Sloan.” He kissed her forehead and made his way for the door.
“Cassidy!” she shouted, crying. He stopped at the door.
“If you gon’ call it, Sloan, just call it.
Let’s wrap this shit up and let another twenty go by.
I had no plans to contact you when I got out.
You walked into the house the other day, and I thought we might be able to recapture time.
Let yourself find a man that fits in your perfect picture.
Somebody you feel secure with and let me find someone that’s okay with my past.”
The idea of that was sickening. Her fight or flight was going haywire. “I don’t want that,” she cried.
“What do you want?” he shot back. “What you see me as? A nigga that’s perfect to call up when you want a little thug in your life? When you want your pussy ate or that attitude adjusted? You want dick? I’m already doing that with a few bitches, Sloan, I don’t need to do that with you.”
She recoiled. This was as harshly as he had ever handled her. Her feelings were in her stomach.
“Wow, Cass,” she scoffed, offended. “If I knew being honest was going to lead to this, I would have never said anything. So much for never hurting me.” She laughed and shook her head at her own foolishness.
Sometimes, you had to just laugh to keep from crying.
She held onto her stomach because she couldn’t calm that ache.
“I knew better. I’m so fucking stupid. Those few bitches you got in rotation can have you. ”