Chapter 12 #3
“She’s fucking Cassidy, and now she got to decide if she wants to take a Plan B,” Shy spilled.
“Hmm,” Courtney stated.
Sloan frowned. It wasn’t the response she was expecting.
“What’s that? What’s that hmm? What does that mean?” Sloan asked.
“I mean, I’m not that surprised. You’ve always kind of been in love with him. Ever since we were kids,” Courtney stammered, shrugging like it was no big deal.
“We all had our eyes on Cass as teenagers. That doesn’t count,” Sloan dismissed.
“No, Sloan. Our shit was hormones. The way you looked at him was different. All that time you used to spend at Ellie’s wasn’t just because of her.
He was kind of your first love; y’all just never admitted that y’all was feeling one another.
Anytime he would come around us, it was you he teased, you he wrapped an arm around, you he brought shit back from the corner store.
He made you smoke with him and him only when he found out you were smoking weed.
And he hated that nigga, Deyontae! He beat the nigga up over you, Sloan. ”
“That beef was not over me!” Sloan defended. She was lying through her teeth because Cassidy had already confirmed that it was, but they didn’t need to know that.
“Girl, be fucking for real,” Shy moaned, rolling her eyes. “The truth is Ellie made you choose. You loved her friendship more than you loved a boy. You never put niggas over your girls, and you never will. You chose Ellie over Cass back then.”
“If he hadn’t gone to jail, I always thought y’all would have ended up together,” Courtney admitted.
“Girl, they mama used to call you her daughter-in-law!” Shy exclaimed. “Why are you playing dumb?”
Sloan’s eyes betrayed her.
“Whoa, is this serious with you and Cass?” Courtney asked.
“No, we’re done,” Sloan said. “We just can’t be together. It will never work.”
“Then why are you hesitating to take that pill?” Shy asked.
“Because I’m almost forty years old and I don’t have a kid yet.
I don’t even have a man to help produce a kid.
I haven’t had a man in two years. I don’t date.
I might as well be celibate. I have no one, and I really want to be a mom.
I froze my eggs, and I was preparing to find a donor to fertilize one and start the process of having a baby alone,” Sloan admitted as she flopped down on her king-sized bed.
“But now this. I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh, sis,” Courtney whispered, sympathetically. “Maybe talk to Cassidy. He doesn’t have kids. What if y’all want the same thing?”
“He won’t. Not with me,” Sloan feared.
“That man loves you,” Courtney said. “I can tell. Whenever you’re around, his eyes are on you.
He like secures your space or something.
I can’t explain it, but I’ve noticed it.
It’s like he’s looking at everything within ten feet of you that could bring you harm and trying to figure out how to prevent it.
I know because I don’t have that, and I admire what you have with him.
And you don’t even appreciate it. He would step in front of a bullet for you. ”
Sloan had never noticed that before. She just thought he looked out for her off the strength of Ellie.
“Girl, we don’t even know if you will actually get pregnant. You’re panicking about the possibility, and if you do, you do. Keep it, and don’t tell him,” Shy said. “You don’t owe anybody any explanations about what’s happening with your body.”
“That’s not an option,” Sloan stated. That was the only thing she was sure of.
She respected Cassidy too much to deceive him so maliciously.
“There’s just so much to consider. I can take this pill and just get rid of the possibility altogether.
But what if I’m wasting my only chance to get pregnant the natural way and to know the father of my child?
But if I do get pregnant naturally, it will be with 39-year-old eggs.
I froze my embryos at 33, so they’re much healthier.
At 39, these eggs are stale, chile. A baby is more likely to not make it to term or to be born with health defects or abnormalities.
There’s so much science behind this shit. ”
“Girl, you losing me,” Shy stated.
“My heart is in shambles, and I feel like I’m not in the right state of mind to even be deciding this right now,” Sloan cried.
“Why are you deciding this by yourself? What happened between y’all?” Courtney asked.
“Prison happened,” Sloan whispered. “But I think I love him, y’all. Like, I think I’m madly in love with that man, and my heart is broken because there is no solution to the things that are keeping us apart.”
“Which is what, bitch? Because I’m bored. This feels self-inflicted like a mu’fucka,” Shy snapped. “Because if you say some shit like you’re too good to be with a felon…”
“I mean, that’s part of it, and not that I’m too good. I’m not saying that. I just worked too hard to let a man taint my respectability. We all know he will,” Sloan argued.
“Well then, bitch, cry,” Shy said bluntly. “Because if you are letting what other people think stop you from loving him, that’s on you. Fuck what people think!”
“It’s not just that, though, is it?” Courtney asked.
Sloan buried her face in her hands and cried from her soul.
Her girls wrapped their arms around her.
They had never seen her like this before.
The last time she had been brought to tears over a boy was when Cassidy had gotten locked up.
She had taken it extremely hard, almost as hard as Ellie. Now, it made sense.
“I’m afraid of him,” Sloan sobbed. “Of what he’s capable of doing.”
“Because of what happened to your mom,” Courtney said, putting the story together in her head.
“Cassidy is not like that nigga that took your mom,” Shy whispered passionately.
“A part of me wants to trust that, but the part of me that never dealt with my mother’s death, and the part that has to go in front of that parole board every six or so years and advocate why they should never free that man, is telling me to run the other way.
What do you do when your heart and your mind disagree?
My mind has never failed me. My heart, on the other hand,” she cried. “I just can’t.”
“It’s going to be okay,” Courtney said. “I’ve known you a long time, and you believe in love, Sloan.
Yes, doing In vitro and getting a sperm donor is possible, but if there is the possibility of having a baby with a man you love and who loves you, regardless if y’all end up together or not, every time you look at that child, you’ll remember the love they came from.
You have your reasons for not being able to choose him, but at least you’ll always have a piece of the love you’re depriving yourself of if you end up pregnant by him. ”
“And if you don’t end up pregnant, you still have the embryos as a backup,” Shy said.
Sloan nodded and wiped her runny nose with the back of her hand. She stood. “Okay, give me a minute, please. We can go shopping. I need some retail therapy. I just need to clean myself up. I’m sorry if I’m ruining the day.”
“You’re not,” Courtney reassured. “We’ll be out front when you’re ready.”
Sloan waited until she was alone and opened the Plan B pill. She looked in the mirror. She prayed she didn’t make a decision she was going to later regret.
“Just do it,” she said to herself.