Chapter Thirty-Four Emily
Chapter Thirty-Four
Emily
“You’re quiet over there,” I say to Madison as we near the airport, a light rain drizzling down the windows.
“Hm?” She straightens up and looks away from the window, where her forehead has been plastered for the entire ride with zero words leaving her mouth. Which has to be a record for her.
Normally I would have noticed it sooner, but I’ve been lost in my own thoughts too. Of Jack. Of Us. Of last night.
I turn my attention back to Maddie. “You’ve been silently staring out the window like you’re re-creating a sad music video.”
“Well, I couldn’t waste the rain, could I?” She laughs lightly. “No—I’m good. Just…feeling sad to leave.”
My chest tightens and I resist the urge to whip the truck around and take her back home. Instead, I reach over and take her hand. “You’re the bravest girl I know.”
Her laugh is a cross between a chuckle and something stuck in her throat. “That’s because you haven’t seen me clutching the seat in the back of New York Ubers.” As if to prove her small-town point, cars zoom past my old slowpoke truck on the interstate. “So…you and Jack. I’m sorry I had to interrupt you this morning.”
“No you’re not, you little shit,” I say, flashing her a sideways grin.
“Yeah, I’m really not.” She grins right back. My sister. My best friend. Even after all the separation and secret-keeping, we still ended up here—teasing in my truck. And I’m starting to think we always will. Maybe we’re not growing apart, we’re just living in different directions at the moment, happy to meet back in the middle when we can.
“I like him, by the way,” says Maddie. “He’s good with you.”
Now I’m smiling like a fool at the road. “I like him too. I’ve decided to keep him.”
“Good.”
“What about you and…” I almost say James. His name is on the tip of my tongue but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m still not certain that whatever I’m sensing between them isn’t something totally made up in my head. Something I’m hoping for because maybe it would mean Madison coming back to town.
“There’s no one in particular in my life right now. In fact, I think I’ve decided to take a hiatus from men for a while.”
I blink over at her a few times, frustrated that I have to bring my eyes back to the road instead of analyzing every tiny expression that crosses her face. “A hiatus? What happened? Did something happen? Give me his number. If someone hurt you, Maddie…”
She’s smiling. “Ah—there’s my overprotective sister I know and love.”
Fine, old habits can’t just die overnight, now can they? I’m not sure the urge to nurture and protect my siblings will ever die off, to be honest. I’ve spent my life essentially raising them. I’ve loved them more than I’ve loved myself most days. And I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s okay that I don’t operate quite like everyone either. Not everyone has raised their siblings or known tragedy at the tender age of eight. I’ve gone through a lot, and now that they’re grown, maybe I can look at it less like losing them, and more like letting go so I can stretch out lazily in the sun. Where Jack can skate his hands up and down my sun-heated skin. Where my frozen heart can twinkle beautifully in the sunlight. I think letting go might not be so bad.
Madison is staring out the window again like she’s looking into another dimension. “I just…the future is so unknown. I want to focus on myself and what I want out of life for a while without a guy distracting me.”
I squeeze her hand once more before letting it go. “I’m here for you anytime you need me.”
“I know.”
“Um, but actually. I did have a question for you…I was wondering how you’d feel about me switching things up in the house?”
“Switching things up how? Like Jack moving into your bedroom?”
“Ha! No. That’s…well, that sounds really nice actually, but that’s something I’ll save for the future rather than right now. I need a little more time to adjust to having a relationship than that.”
“I’m really proud of you by the way, Emily. I’m not sure if I’ve told you that. But…it’s inspiring watching you face your fears with Jack. You are, as always, my hero.” The way she says hero …with zero irony or humor, but the same way a little kid might say it while staring up at Wonder Woman. Yeah, it has me gurgling tears. And then my tears make her tears simmer until we’re both hiccuping.
“Stop. I have to drive!” I wail.
“You stop!” She slaps my arm. “Why are you crying?”
“Because you told me to cry more often!”
“Well, wait until I’m out of the truck next time!”
This is how we pull up at the airport. Fizzing emotions out our eyes and noses. Disgusting messes. I pull up to the curb in front of her airline and we both give each other one painful, wordless, puffy-eyed look before climbing out of the truck to meet around at the tailgate. I pull her suitcase to the ground and she takes the handle from me. “You never told me what you wanted to change…in the house.”
“Oh.” It feels silly to say now while waiting outside the truck and staring into my sister’s eyes that are holding more and more untold stories by the moment. But I can’t do that. I can’t stop living anymore while waiting for them to need me. “I want to turn your room into my office to encourage me to keep writing, because it has the best natural light.” She looks punched in the stomach. So I hurry to explain, “And then turn Annie’s old room into a guest room. That way you’ll still have somewhere to stay when you come home, but since you don’t do it all that often anymore and you’ll probably end up settling somewhere else after you—”
“No—yes. Of course you should do that, Em.” She’s blink, blink, blinking. I want to scoop her up, take her home, and wrap her in a blanket. “It’s…that makes so much sense! It’ll be the perfect place for you to write. Yes, do it!” She grabs me, wraps her arms tightly around my neck in one of her ferocious hugs that I love so much, and then she pulls away. Smiles way too big. “I’ll text you when I land.”
“Okay. I love you, Maddie.”
“I love you, Em.” She’s backing away with her luggage, mist in her eyes. This is always the most painful part of saying goodbye. The last moments before she turns away and I go back to missing her. “I’m going to read the rest of your dirty novel on the plane!” she yells so that the entire airport can hear her and then turns away with a laugh that I’ll bottle up and hold on to until next time she comes home.
I shuffle my way back inside my truck and drive home. I don’t turn on any music, and that clawing sadness tries to take root again. But I push it back a little with small reminders that I have things to look forward to. I get to finish my book. I get to finalize my lesson plan for the upcoming school year. I get to design myself an office. And my favorite of all, I get to see Jack…
I have to stop for gas before I hit the back roads that will take me into Rome, and while standing outside my truck waiting for the extra slow pump to push overpriced gasoline into my adorable rust bucket, I get out my phone to see if I have any missed texts from Maddie already. Or Jack.
I do have a long string of texts, but it’s not from Jack. It’s from a group of teachers, which is odd. I scroll through them quickly.
Monique: OMG did you guys hear the news?
Brittney: About Jack?????
Monique: YES! I couldn’t believe it.
Tiffany: Wait—I haven’t heard. What happened?
Monique: Jack’s dad went live on Instagram just now, revealing that Jack Bennett is actually AJ Ranger!! He said Jack’s been keeping it a secret all this time because he’s camera shy so he wanted his dad to be the one to reveal it since he has been such a big help with his books.
Tiffany: WHAT! Also who is AJ Ranger?
Morgan: Are you kidding me, Tiffany? It’s that mystery writer of the series I lent you over the summer. The one you loved so much.
Tiffany: Omg! WHAT! I’m even more in love with him now. Now that he’s single again maybe I’ve got a shot.
The hell you do, Tiffany.
I stop reading even though the texts go on and on and on. But I can’t breathe. After everything Jack went through to make sure my writing wasn’t revealed before I was ready, and then turns around and has his entire career outed without his consent. And to have his scumbag dad phrase it in a way that completely steals Jack’s thunder and hard work while also trying to take credit?
It’s lucky for Fredrick I don’t know where he lives. Lucky for me too, because I’d end up in prison if I gave in to my current rage.
Instead, I drive home as fast as my truck will allow.