Chapter 12 Hannah
CHAPTER TWELVE
HANNAH
The words burn as they tumble from my lips.
Not a single part of me wants Asher to leave, but I need to stay firm on this. I’ve spent most of my life being walked all over, and I refuse to let anyone else treat me like less than.
He flinches, pressing his eyes closed for a long moment, likely considering whether he wants to tell me the truth or not.
You see, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve been lied to over and over, kept in the dark, used when it’s convenient, and ignored when it’s not. I know this dance better than any other. I just hoped Asher wouldn’t be like everyone else has been.
I hoped he was different, but just like always, my hopeful heart is going to be my downfall all over again.
It’s hard not to think that it’s me when every single person I let get close hurts me with such little regard, but I guess I’ll never be short on things to talk about at therapy each month.
Abandonment issues are kind of my jam at this point.
“It’s not my place to give you the answers you want, Hannah.” He finally breaks the silence.
I half laugh, but it’s devoid of humor. “So it was your place to let him fuck me, but not to tell me his name? Noted.”
“Hannah—”
“No, Ash. This is bullshit. We shared something in that room. Or at least I thought we did. Obviously, I was imagining it if neither of you can respect me enough to give me something. Anything.”
I choke on the emotions clogging my throat. The need to flee is strong, but I force myself to remain rooted in place, a feat that the Hannah of a few years ago never would have accomplished.
“I know,” he whispers. He reaches over, his hand hovering between us for a beat as he waits for me to pull away, but when I don’t, he wraps his calloused fingers around my ankle.
“This is a fucked-up situation, but I’m asking you to trust me, Han.
You know me better than almost anyone else.
Trust me to tell you everything once the time is right. ”
Tears leak from the corners of my eyes, and I finally give in to the temptation to bury my face out of view, allowing a strangled sob to escape.
“I don’t know if I can,” I whisper, my chest cracking at the idea of ending this.
For the first time in my life, I feel love and belonging. I don’t feel like the unwanted child, or the pity friend, or the girl that people keep around for her family connections. I genuinely feel like I’ve found my place in the world.
But I won’t let my need to feel wanted be my downfall again.
One second, I’m sobbing into my knees, and the next I’m in strong, warm arms.
There’s something about the way Asher moves me around with ease that has my heart beating hard in my chest for an entirely different reason.
His pants brush against the tender skin of my ass, and I can’t help but hiss out a breath. I still smell of sex, not having been able to bring myself to shower off their scents when my heart already felt so raw.
“I’ve got you, Little Doe,” Asher murmurs against the top of my head.
“Did I imagine everything?” I choke out the question. It’s probably a terrible idea for me to open myself up for more pain, but you know that saying about ripping off the Band-Aid. I may as well feel all the hurt right now.
“No, Hannah. You didn’t imagine a damn thing. Tonight was…everything.”
“Then why wouldn’t he tell me who he is?”
“Because it’s complicated. I wish it weren’t. I wish I could tell you everything right here and now.” The earnestness in each word is the only thing that stops my mind from spiraling to all the times people have said something similar.
“I don’t know if I can accept that,” I admit.
He blows out a breath, his hold on me tightening. “I promise I’ll tell you everything when I can. I’m just asking you to give me a little more time.”
When I don’t immediately respond, Asher carefully stands, holding me close as he carries me through the apartment and into the bathroom.
He shifts me into one arm and bends, flicking the faucet over the bath on and testing the temperature before moving to the sink.
Asher carefully lowers me onto the cool surface, flicking his intense eyes to my face when I hiss out a breath.
“I’ll treat the bruises once you’re out of the bath,” he murmurs. He presses a sweet kiss to my forehead, lingering for a beat before he carefully undresses me.
This is what I’ve come to expect after a scene, and what my heart desperately needed after tonight, even if allowing myself this could make my broken heart that much worse.
But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Once I’m naked, Asher steps away and adds some Epsom salt to the bath. He tests the water again, swirling it around to allow the salt to dissolve, only returning to me when he’s satisfied.
“Are you going to get in with me?”
He shakes his head. “Not tonight.”
My brows tug together, earning me a soft chuckle.
Asher sweeps his thumb over my cheek in the way that always makes my heart skip a beat. “None of that, Little Doe. You’ve had an emotional evening, and the last thing you need when you’re already sore and exhausted is my hard dick pressing into your back.”
I open my mouth to refute that, because I always want his hardness pressed against me, but he just shakes his head and carefully lifts me from the countertop.
I’m lowered into the warm bath, and a soft moan escapes my lips. As always, it’s exactly the right temperature.
Asher kneels beside the bathtub, only pausing to push up his sleeves before he takes the sponge from the shelf and adds a little too much body wash.
With so much care that it’s hard to believe the man used to beat people to a pulp for a living, he washes every inch of my body, taking extra care around my thighs.
I’ll be sore for a couple of days, but it was far from the hardest punishment I’ve taken, and normally I would revel in the bite of pain every time I move the wrong way.
This time I’m not so sure.
“Thank you for letting me take care of you,” Asher says softly, trailing water over my body to wash away the suds.
“Shouldn’t I be thanking you?”
He shakes his head. “No, Han. Taking care of your needs is my greatest privilege.”
Tears well in the corners of my eyes at his sweet words. Why does he have to be so nice when I’m trying so hard to be mad at him?
Asher pushes himself to his feet and retrieves a fresh towel from the cabinet beneath the sink. Carefully lifting me from the cooling water, he pats my skin dry, making sure to get every droplet before leading me to the sink.
Familiar cream sits beside the sink, and I bend over slightly, giving him the access he needs.
He doesn’t waste a second, softly massaging the cream into my ass and the backs of my thighs with such care my heart swells.
I shouldn’t let myself get used to being cared for like this, especially not after what happened tonight, but I can’t help it.
Letting Asher care for me is as easy as breathing, and I don’t want to waste a single second.
Once he’s finished, he passes me my toothbrush, already laden with minty paste, and busies himself letting out the bathwater and cleaning up while I brush my teeth.
“Ready for bed?” he asks, resting his hands on my hips and chin on the top of my head.
Staring at our reflection in the mirror does little to calm my raging emotions, because why do we have to look so perfect together? I fit against his chest like I was made to be right here, but maybe it’s just my hopeful heart readying my downfall again.
“Stay with me tonight?” I whisper, nerves swimming low in my belly.
“Like I’d be able to leave you.”