Chapter 17
EASTON
My cheeks ache from smiling, which isn’t a problem that has plagued me very often.
The day of celebrations is beginning to wind down, and I have never felt this special in my life.
It’s been such a good day. Brady cooked all my favorite things, Blakely found some balloons to blow up somewhere, and Chase has been spoiling me with all the affection and praise I can handle.
I’ve got my sketchbook propped up against my thighs with my head in my boyfriend’s lap.
There’s a queer romance show on the television.
The panic I felt last night is a distant memory, because while danger lurks outside, these four walls are overflowing with safety, warmth, and love.
All is right in the world for the moment, and I’m not going to take a second of it for granted.
In the spirit of having the equivalent of a full high school education, my brain worm has something more complex it’s trying to drag me along for. I can kind of see where it’s going, but it’s a far cry from my usual fantasy works.
A text comes through on my phone from Chase’s mom. I’m still getting used to the fact that his family wants to talk to me occasionally, but today it’s easier to imagine.
Margeaux: Hi, honey. You’ve popped into my mind a thousand times today, so I wanted to check in on you.
It’s sweet that she cares. I assure her I’m fine, thinking she’ll leave it there.
Margeaux: I’m glad to hear that! Are you working on anything new?
You know what? What the hell. I send her a quick shot of the sketch and try my best to explain where I’m going with it. I’m really hoping her career working with artists has given her the ability to understand me.
“Oh, shit,” I hiss when she calls me.
Chase sits up straighter and looks around. “What?”
I roll my eyes and show him my screen. “Your mom is calling me! What do I do?”
He grimaces, but tries to hide it behind a shrug. Antisocial creature. “Answer it?”
Obviously. Okay, yeah, here we go. “Oh, good. There you are. I hope I’m not interrupting something,” she says when the call connects.
“Um, no. Not at all. Hi.” I duck out of the room to Blake’s office so they can continue the show and not be forced to witness whatever this is.
Her voice is as musical and warm as I remember. “Perfect! So I saw your text and wanted to ask you a bit more about it. Are you planning to sketch it out and then replicate it on a canvas, do you think?”
My head might explode. It’s fine. “Yes?”
“I love the concept. It could easily be made into a series. The possibilities are endless if you want to explore.”
It would probably be strange to say my brain worm won’t be satisfied with just one. “Yeah, I was thinking of doing several,” I say absentmindedly. Why is she asking me this?
“Amazing! You let me worry about the finer details, okay? I’ll handle everything. You just keep going and don’t forget to send me updates along the way.”
What is going on? “Sure. I can do that.” Can I? I don’t know.
I look around, hoping for a context clue to jump out and bite me. No such luck. “Well, I’ll let you get back to my boy. We’ll talk soon.”
“Yeah, okay.”
She says goodbye and hangs up. I remain standing because I have no idea what just happened. Eventually, Chase comes to find me. “Hey, you okay? What was all that about?” Relaying the prior conversation provides neither of us any clarity. “I can talk to her if you’re worried about it.”
“I don’t think worried is the right word. Confused, mainly. Maybe we just pretend it didn’t happen?”
He chuckles warmly. “My favorite strategy. You sure you’re all right, sweetheart?”
After taking inventory, I find nothing more damaged than before I talked to her.
“Yeah. I’m okay. Or at least nothing major changed.
” I’m getting better at navigating through the terror and guilt.
Every other thought is a fear that keeping myself safe means Asher will die.
I’m walking on a balance beam at all times.
If I look down, I’ll fall into the abyss, but it’s getting easier not to do it.
Knowing my limits helps. Having support helps more. “Let’s get back. They’ll worry.”
We get some concerned looks, but nothing too serious.
Blake only makes it to the end of the episode before she’s slinking off to bed.
Brady looks like he’s about to fall over.
God, help him. He really needs his beauty sleep.
“Bray, you can go to bed too.” Chase sounds like he’s trying to coax Sage instead of a grown man, but I digress.
My brother’s gaze finds me. “Did you have a good day?”
Oh, my heart. “It was the best day, Brady. Thank you for making it so special.”
With that, he’s finally able to call it a night. He just needed some extra assurance that I’m happy. After he walks away, I tell Chase, “I can’t believe I ever thought he didn’t love me.”
He pulls me close, my back to his chest as his fingers trace the lines of my abdomen. “It wasn’t you. Not really, anyway.”
He and those pesky fingers are distracting. His touch chases away the chill that seems to linger in my bones. I hope it never ends. “I know it’s pointless by now. I just hate it. He didn’t deserve that.”
“I hear you. You’re doing what you can to make up for it, though.”
Is he being extra affectionate or is he wanting to take it further?
We haven’t done more than kiss since the night he went to Chicago.
I’m trying to not overthink it. He’s been in a weird place, and reestablishing where we stand has been a work in progress.
Surely he still wants me like that. I’m not sure I could live with myself if he was disgusted by me.
My stomach trembles as his pinky trails just above my underwear. How can he have such an effect on me? Such a minor touch and I’m about ready to come out of my skin.
“Hey, Chaos?” I hum, not trusting whatever would fall from my mouth at this point. “I’m trying to respect your space here, but if you keep wiggling around like this, I’m gonna need a time out or something.”
The absurdity makes me laugh. “Space? Why would I want that?” I know why actually, and I rush to clarify. “I don’t need space from you. If I’ve made you think that, it’s because I was giving you time to process everything.”
I can feel he isn’t looking at me, and when I check, I find him staring out the sliding glass door to the backyard. “We don’t have to do anything, Chase. I swear.”
He shakes his head. “Not here. I don’t want anyone seeing you like I get to.”
There’s a growl in his tone, and it’s no mystery who he’s thinking about catching me in a compromised position. “No one will again, love. Let’s go to bed.”
Chase is on me like glue all the way to my room, not allowing an inch of space to come between us, and I am thrilled about it.
When the curtains are drawn and the door is locked for some extra peace of mind, I decide I can’t wait anymore.
He needs to know. Before anything else muddies things up, this needs to happen.
“Can you sit for a second, actually?”
Sweat breaks out on the back of my neck. It shouldn’t be such a big thing, but there’s no convincing my heart of that. He does, clearly confused, but accommodating to my odd change of pace.
“What’s wrong, Chaos?” he asks when I don’t speak.
Deep breath. One, two, three… Exhale. “Gimme a sec. I’m getting there.”
He nods, patiently waiting for whatever comes next. He’ll give me all the time I need, that’s what makes this all the more necessary. “Don’t interrupt, okay? I need to get this out.”
“Whatever you need, sweetheart,” he assures me.
It takes a lot of work, even if it’s not as clear physically.
But getting over my fear of rejection here is a bitch.
It’s not Chase so much as it’s me. He’s been perfect for me from the start, and even if he doesn’t return my feelings, it’s not like he’ll be unkind about it.
“You have been my safe place since that very first day, Chase. Even when I can’t express what I need, you know how to protect me, care for me, and comfort me.
” Tears prickle at the corner of my eyes, and if this wall wasn’t holding me up, I’m not sure my knees would be capable.
I can’t stop here, though. I won’t. “Your confidence in me when I had none has fueled me to keep going no matter how hard it gets. But it’s not just the way you treat me.
It’s how you trust me with the pieces of your heart that the rest of the world doesn’t see.
It’s how we balance each other out. Because you see me and I see you.
That’s rare, Chase. All the flaws and imperfections.
All the obstacles lurking ahead that scare the shit out of both of us.
But I have you, and you have me, so it has to be okay.
It has to be okay because I love you. So much.
You don’t have to say it back, in fact, please don’t if you feel pressured or whatever.
I don’t want that. You deserve to know how I feel, and I’m so in love with you. ”
I hold a hand up, stopping him before he can say something.
I’m still not done. I’m just trying to not crumble to pieces here.
“I know you’re scared. I am too. What I did shook you, rightfully so.
But you should know that it dunked my head in cold water, which I really needed.
I don’t want to leave you in any capacity, so I’m working on it.
It may not seem like it, but I promise I am.
I’m trying to be better so you don’t get hurt again and because I love you so much that I want to have a real life together. That can’t happen if I tap out early.”