Chapter 19
EASTON
The headphone in my left ear is for decoration.
I wish it wasn’t. Some noise to drown out the worst case scenarios playing on repeat in my head would be a welcome distraction.
Blakey is wearing the other half of the pair to keep up appearances that we’re unaware of our surroundings.
Unfortunately, that’s not something we can actually risk.
It’s such a quiet morning, no birds chirping or the squeals of kids playing to be found—just the sound of our feet pounding against the concrete.
There’s some comfort in that. It would be hard for him to sneak up on us when we could hear it coming.
On the other hand, there’s not much evidence that there’s many witnesses.
Though Blake stands firm on that just because we don’t see them, doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
People with money have eyes everywhere, she’d said as we were tying our sneakers. I really hope that’s true because being outside like this is a huge risk to both of us. I shudder to even think about what Aaron would do to her if he got the chance.
“Wanna walk for a bit?” I ask Blake when the screaming of my lungs becomes unbearable. I’m painfully out of practice.
She slows to a tolerable pace, not the slightest annoyed by having to accommodate me given what I can tell. “You okay?” I nod, resisting the urge to collapse and die here, but only barely. “See that car?”
Blake points to a white sedan parked on the street in front of a house a couple down from where we are.
“That’s Amber. She’s the housekeeper for several people in this neighborhood.
I’ve talked to her a couple of times when I’m out and about.
She doesn’t miss a damn thing. Not a wayward fingerprint on the windows or the goings on around here.
Won’t say a thing about it of course, she’s a professional after all.
But not great at pretending to be surprised when it comes out that someone is having an affair in the neighborhood. ”
I think I’m missing the point. My logic is diminished by the lack of oxygen. “Cool, I guess?”
She rolls her eyes fondly. “I’m following a route that goes past every house she works at.
Between all the referrals she gets, she’s here five days a week.
If we run at the same time every day, she’ll notice our routine.
And because she’s the type to look out for people, I know she’ll tell me if someone starts following us or acting off. ”
“Oh. You really have thought about this.”
My friend scoffs. “I don’t know why you’re surprised. You and Chase both need to have a little faith in me. I don’t fail when I put my mind to something. Ever.”
I shrug apologetically. “Noted. Lead the way, General.”
Chase lucked out with this girl. Not everyone would shift their entire life around to help a friend long-term, but she has repeatedly assured us that this is where she wants to be. I’m even starting to believe her.
The run is a long one, broken up with intermittent walking to save me the humiliation of having a heart attack before breakfast. “Lucy, I’m home,” Blakely sings, slamming the front door behind us. I kick off my sneakers and tumble after her on numb legs.
We’re greeted by eerie silence, no sign of life to be found.
Like a light switch, my body flips from thoroughly exhausted in a way that might fade into pleasant soreness to the type of panic reserved for being hunted for sport.
Hyperawareness takes over my senses, forcing me to be aware of every possible threat that might lay in wait.
The rhythmic whirring of the ceiling fan above the living room, the refrigerator dropping ice into the bin, cataloging where everything is in case it was moved.
My breaths become short and choppy as cold sweat breaks out along my spine. Every thought in my head is screaming where are they.
A gentle, but stinging slap to my cheek brings me careening back to the ground. “Easton. Listen to me, babe,” Blakely commands. “Everything is fine. Brady texted me. They went out together. Everyone is safe. You are safe.”
My body is sluggish, groggy like I just woke up. “What?”
She repeats it two more times until I am able to register what is being said. After leading me to a barstool to collapse on and practically forcing cold water down my throat, a phone gets set out on the counter.
“Hi, Chase,” Blake says when the line connects. “I’m here with Easton. We just wanted to hear your voice because we miss you.”
His warm, gravel voice is like a balm to my frayed nerves. “Believe me, I’d rather be with you guys right now too. How was the run?”
“More or less hell,” I say, motivated to just hear him talk some more.
Chase chuckles. “Probably should have warned you Blake lacks a soul and enjoys going until there’s a hole in her sneakers.” After a pause, he adds cautiously, “Is everything okay?”
My fingers tap on the marble nervously. “Got a little scared when you weren’t here, but I’m okay now.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I should have put a little more effort into making sure you saw my text letting you know what we were doing.”
Calm washes over my body in a wave, finally allowing me to breathe normally again. “You gonna be home soon?”
Chase sighs heavily. “Not soon enough, but as soon as I can. Your brother has suckered me into another fucking project. We’re getting the supplies now.”
A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth as Blakely cackles in victory. “Yay! I’m getting a gazebo! I knew he’d convince you!”
I make a sympathetic sound, despite internally being a tiny bit thrilled that he and Brady will have something to do together again. “Poor thing. Well, don’t rush back on my account. See you in a bit?”
“Absolutely. Call me if something else comes up.”
“Okay. I love you.”
The last of the remaining tension drains from my shoulders as he easily says, “I love you too.” Blake quickly hangs up the phone and squeals, an ear-splitting noise that could pass for a fire alarm.
“How long have you two been saying that?” she demands, delighted from head to toe.
Blood rushes to my cheeks. “Last night.”
“That makes me so happy. You have no idea. I’ve been waiting eons to see the day Chase would say that to someone, and I knew it would be you since the first time we met.”
I huff a laugh. “I was barely hanging on by a thread when we met. That doesn’t scream a good first impression.”
“I’m way more judgmental in your head than I am in real life, babe,” she says, tone suddenly serious. “Going through a difficult time doesn’t diminish your value as a person, and anyone with eyes could see that there was a lot more to you than that one particular moment in time.”
This girl and her unnerving ability to say the perfect things. No wonder she’s friends with Chase and Brady. They all have that ability when you need them to. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to do it too. “It means a lot to me, you saying that.”
She walks around the island to press a kiss to my cheek, which I may or may not lean into.
Sue me. My experience with positive affection with women is damn near nonexistent.
“You’re in, Easton. There’s nothing you need to do to earn it.
I loved you long before I met you, as did anyone who loved your brother.
If you had come back at a different time, you would have caught us in our stumbles too, and you still might.
It doesn’t change how family feels about each other. ”
Family. That word hits me straight in the chest. Is that what this is?
It’s not just Chase’s parents and siblings including me; it’s her determination and Brady’s endless forgiveness.
For the first time in my life, there’s no one around me who doesn’t see me for exactly who I am and love me for it, not in spite of, if even that.
That’s gonna take a minute to soak in.
It bolsters my determination, making my brain worm go into overtime.
I was able to read up on two other mental health diagnoses yesterday and sketch them out vaguely, but now I can see them in vivid color.
I need some paint and a canvas before my ears start bleeding or something.
Good thing Chase will be preoccupied because I have a feeling I won’t be the best company today.
~~~
Hours later, I step back to examine my creation.
It’s not pretty, but I wasn’t going for that, so that’s okay.
Honestly, it’s miles away from anything I’ve ever attempted before, and I’m trying to wrap my head around that.
It’s dark out, not that there’s much daylight to be found when it’s cloudy all day long.
It’s been a while since someone poked their head in to check on me.
I’ve spent a decent chunk of time painting with nothing but the black light to guide my brushstrokes, and I have no idea how this is going to turn out.
It’s not even close to done, but the idea seems pretty clear.
At least to me. A second set of eyes wouldn’t hurt, though, someone to tell me if I’ve gone off the rails.
Brady would know. Not that I’d call him objective about it, but he would understand what I’m aiming for, I think. No more than thirty seconds after I ask him to come let me borrow his opinion, my brother is standing beside me.
“Whoa. Holy shit, Eas.”
I cock my head to the side. “It’s a lot.”
Brady whistles softly. “Yeah, definitely that. Also, amazing. Wanna maybe clue me in on the direction a bit more?”
Well, here we go, I guess. “So this one is anxiety disorder. I want it to be kinda dark in normal light on its own and then the black light will show the full picture. Kinda like it’s haunting her and ripping her heart out.
On the surface, it looks like she’s screaming in pain from nothing and then you see what’s killing her. What do you think?”
“Does—does it feel like that for you?” he asks.
I’m not lying to them anymore, I remind myself. “Yeah. When it’s bad, it’s like this. Sometimes it’s not quite so severe.”
He clears his throat and wraps one of his beefy arms around my shoulders. “When was the last time I told you that you’re my hero? Keep going. This is easily going to be the most powerful art you’ve ever created, and I have to see it done.”
His belief in me is unmatched. How easily he envisions my success. Now it’s my turn to clear my throat. “So this isn’t just some wild hair that I’m better off abandoning?”
He uses his grip to shake me. “Don’t you dare. Does Margeaux know about this?”
“A little? I kinda explained the concept to her and showed her a vague sketch but I haven’t shown her it with any color yet.”
My brother hums softly, almost contently. “I’m proud of you for talking to her about this. You should keep her updated, though. If for no other reason than she’ll be able to give you a lot more educated opinions than me.”
“I don’t know what to make of them,” I admit, embarrassment heating my face. “I’m trying, but still.”
It’s not something I like about myself. All these people who wanted me when I was too stupid to actually consider it a possibility.
“It took me a while to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know I was dumb where Mom and Dad were concerned, but my subconscious caught more than I gave it credit for.”
No one really would understand it besides Brady. We endured so much together; things that still linger to this day. “How’d you get it to stop?”
How did you let people love you? How did you let yourself love them without being crushed by the fear that they’ll cast you back out into the cold?
“I kept falling short, and they didn’t give up on me.
I’d go from fine to being crushed by the weight of worrying about you; missing you in the span of hours.
It felt like dying, most of the time. I didn’t want more family.
I just wanted you back. At the worst, I’d tell myself that I’d let all of them drown if I could get you back for it.
But they were relentless, and eventually, I realized that depriving myself of people who cared about me wasn’t going to bring you back.
It might have made me unrecognizable to you, though, and that was more than I could swallow. ”
I swallow thickly. “So how do I do it if I don’t have that as motivation?”
“If this was a perfect world, you’d know that you deserve it. Until then, Chase would never let anyone close to you without knowing that they’d be good for you. Have some faith in him until you can have some in yourself.”
It’s easy when he says it like that. I’ve been trusting Chase with the most delicate aspects of my life since the first day I met him.
Back when I thought the worst thing that would happen to me was my parents finding out I was crushing on the quarterback that sat next to me in Honors Art class.
He was protective, even then, over my heart, outraged that something so simple was causing me anguish.
There’s no way he’d be encouraging me to develop relationships with his siblings and parents if he suspected that they’d hurt me.
Hope has always been my worst enemy, but it’s hard to not start picturing what life may look like if Aaron is out of the way.
Family, friends, art, and love that builds me up instead of tearing me down.
All things that I thought were out of reach for someone like me, now becoming more clear than ever that it’s possible.
Maybe it won’t work out, but also, maybe it will.