Chapter Forty-Four
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Nick
“MIND IF I JOIN you?” I hear from a few feet behind me, and I wave Pop over without looking. I knew one of them would find me eventually, I just wasn’t sure who would be first…him or Nina.
Leaning over the fence, I hold the neck of the beer bottle loosely between two of my fingers and stare out at the black void before me. The sun set about two hours ago, leaving the mountain shrouded in darkness and the starry sky glittering above its peak.
“How are ya feeling?” Pop asks.
I sigh, letting my head drop.
“That good, huh?”
“Honestly, Pop…This is all kind of a lot.”
“What did you expect?” He chuckles. “You’ve been gone a long while, Nick. There’s going to be an adjustment period. You can’t expect to come home and have everything go back to normal. That normal went out the window when you stepped out of this house last April, along with the people you once knew. While you were gone, the rest of us spent the past year adjusting to a different normal—without you in it. Now we have to pivot to this normal—the one where you’re back.”
Is he right? Is that what I was expecting? To walk in and everything returns to the way it was before? To the way Nina and I were before? That’s been the hardest thing to accept since I got home…The way my wife and I seem to be strangers.
When I learned about her and Beau, I think it’s fair to say I subconsciously put up a barrier between us. When I saw them together…how close they were…how comfortable they were…it only reinforced the space between us. Just like today when she asked me to leave so they could talk. The request made my stomach drop and my heart ache. A few minutes later, when she left his office, she seemed sad but did her best to hide it. It made me wonder if we’d ever be able to move on…If I could move on.
“Everyone is different to some degree, including you. You’re not the same person you were before, either. Are you?”
I shrug, but he knows the answer: No, I’m not.
“No, you’re not. And that’s okay. Neither is your wife.”
At the mention of Nina, I look up at him.
Pop sighs, planting his hands on the top board of the fence. He looks out into the wilderness. “I have never seen a woman—or anyone for that matter—hold themselves together the way your wife does. It should be studied.”
I can’t contain my laugh, because Pop isn’t wrong. His words take me back to when Ric died and Nina was the only one holding things together. Kai broke. Her mom was playing the role of a grieving widow. Eileen was too busy taking care of Kai. Elizabeth was dealing with her own grief, losing yet another parent. But Nina…She held it all together when no one else could. It didn’t help that Ric put Nina in charge of everything —his estate, his personal effects, and his funeral. It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me that she did the same this time around with my supposed “death.”
“While the rest of us were too busy thinking about ourselves—about you—she was worried about all of us. Taking care of everyone while still going out and searching every square inch of these mountains. I doubt she slept more than an hour each night. She is the only reason we’re still here. I don’t think we would’ve made it this far without her.”
“I don’t doubt it,” I whisper, swinging the bottle between my fingers. “You know when I saw her standing there”—I close my eyes and smile, thinking back to seeing her the first time at Blackwood Ranch—“I felt everything click into place. My world came back into view. I have been stuck in this fog for the past year, scratching and clawing, trying to remember something…anything…about myself. But I could never get more than a vague memory, a vague image. It was like I was trapped in this cloud of thick smoke behind a foot of glass and there was nothing I could do to reach them. I was at the mercy of this monster who enjoyed torturing me, giving me small crumbs here and there, but never enough to get the full picture.”
Looking up at the stars in the sky, I fight back the burning growing behind my eyes. “But when I saw her…it all just clicked. I don’t even know how to—There’s no way to explain it.”
“Then why are you avoiding her? Oh, don’t give me that look, you think I haven’t noticed?” Pop shakes his head. “Nick, I’m your father, and you may have been gone a while, but I can still tell when something is bothering you.”
Tugging at my beer, I avoid his stare. Changing the subject, I ask, “What’s going on with her and Alex?”
I would have never expected tension between Alex and Nina, but it was palpable from the moment I saw them together yesterday. They avoided each other, avoided being alone together, and kept their distance whenever being around each other couldn’t be avoided.
Pop sighs. “I think you’d be better asking them.”
“Something happened?”
It’s his turn to avoid my stare. He braces the fence and bites down on the inside of his cheek.
“Pop. What is going on?”
“Nick, this whole ordeal has been hard on the whole family, but especially your brother. He took your absence extremely hard, and it’s led to some tension between him and Nina.”
“Obviously. They’ve been trying to hide it but they’re not very good at it.”
“Well, they got into a pretty big fight not long ago.”
Alex and Nina got into a fight? That seems out of character for both of them.
Pop shrugs. “You’d have to ask one of them about it, but I don’t think either of ’em will tell you the truth. Neither one has said anything since it happened a few days ago. But if I had to guess, it probably has something to do with the sheriff. Alex struggled with how much time Nina spent with Sheriff Turner during all of this. He’s convinced she slept with him.”
“She did.”
Pop’s brow raises at my confession.
Shit, I don’t know why I told him that.
“She did?” he asks.
With a soft mhmm in response, I stare down at my feet. “A few months ago.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“I was mad. No, I was angry. At her. At him. At the situation.”
“You still angry?”
“No.” I shrug. “I don’t know, maybe. Or maybe I’m upset and hurt. But how can I be, when I did the same thing?”
“You did?” Pop seems even more surprised than he did about Nina and Beau.
“Joseph’s daughter, Charlie…We weren’t close, but we were friendly. She liked me, and I guess, I became more open to the idea as more time passed.” I shake my head, looking back up at the sky. “I should’ve never let it happen, I knew better, but she kissed me one night and I let it go further than I should’ve.”
“You sleep with her?” Pop asks, but I shake my head. “Nick, I say this with all the love in my heart, but you’re being a fucking hypocrite.”
“I know.” A bitter laugh I can taste on my tongue rises out of my chest. “I fucking know, Pop. And for some reason, I still can’t get past it. The thought of him touching her, knowing her the way I do…it makes me sick.”
“Nick, listen to me.” Pop grips my shoulders and turns me to face him. “Nina thought you were gone. No, she thought you were dead . Even when they told her there was no use looking…She did it anyway. And do you know who was by her side the entire time?”
Beau.
“Beau Turner. He didn’t leave her side or let her go out there alone because he wouldn’t let whatever happened to you, happen to her. When she refused to sit on the sidelines, he made sure she came home every night, he made sure she ate when she forgot, and he made sure she had what she needed to keep going. While the rest of us were too busy worrying about ourselves, he was worried about her. You should be thankful for Beau Turner. Without him, I don’t know if Nina would even be remotely as close to normal as she is today.”
His words sink like a boulder in my stomach.
“You want to be upset? Fine. Give yourself five minutes and then get over it. Do you honestly believe that your wife—that Davina Villa—would have done anything like that had she thought you were still alive? Had she known you were out there somewhere in need of rescue?”
“No,” I whisper.
“No,” Pop confirms. “She would have burned the whole world down until she brought you home. And that’s what she did until she couldn’t anymore.”
His words are only confirmation of what I already know.
“You were dead. Did you expect her to stay miserable and alone for the rest of her life?”
“No,” I say again. I would never want that for her. I’d want her to find happiness again. I’d want her to find someone who could take care of her and Elena and would love them both.
“It’s not like they were dating, Nick. So, what if they—”
“I think she’s in love with him,” I say.
Pop laughs a full, hearty sound. “Oh, you’ve got to be joking.”
“You haven’t seen them together, Pop.” He didn’t see them yesterday. The way she looked at him. The way she clung to him. The way she instinctively went to check on him after I punched him was like it was second nature. And anyone who saw how he looked at her would notice it immediately.
There was no denying it.
“I have seen them together and I can tell you she doesn’t love him. Maybe she has some feelings for him, but I’m gonna tell you something, Nicholas. That woman only loves one man and it’s you .”
Tears prick the corners of my eyes.
“She never stopped loving you, regardless of what has happened. Regardless of how stubborn and bullheaded you’ve been over the years, or how much you have harassed her about her job and all that comes with it, or you lying to her about her mother…Nina Villa has always loved you . She never stopped looking for you . She dropped everything and ran to you when she heard you were alive. Where is she right now? It’s not with Beau. It’s right here…with you . You’re too wrapped up in your feelings to see the truth.”
“What if she doesn’t want me when she realizes I’m not the same man she fell in love with?” I bite down on the inside corner of my mouth, swallowing the thickness growing in my throat.
“Are you still Nick Davis?”
“Yeah, I guess…But—”
“That’s all that matters. You’re still you, Nick. You’re just a little different, or maybe a lot different. We all are. You and Nina, you two will figure this out, but you gotta give yourselves the grace to do it.”
My wife kisses our daughter on the forehead, pulls the blanket up to her shoulders, and turns off the light. There’s a level of surprise in her eyes when she looks up and meets my gaze, but we don’t speak as she closes Elena’s door and I follow her to the kitchen. Thankfully, everyone else has already gone to bed, so there isn’t anyone left to distract us from finally having the long overdue conversation.
Nina begins to pull dishes from the dishwasher and put them away, but I stop her. Taking her hand in mine, I remove the plate from her grasp and set it on the counter. “What are you—”
Her words are lost when I kiss her, and she melts into my embrace. Her hands grip my shirt, and she tugs me forward as I explore her mouth, eliciting a moan from her.
“What was that for?” she asks when we part, her eyes still closed.
“I missed you.”
Dark emerald orbs blink open, meeting mine, but she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t have to. I can see every emotion running through her mind behind her eyes.
“Can we talk?” I ask, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and running my fingers through her hair. “Please.”
Nina sighs and closes the dishwasher in silent agreement.
When we get to the bedroom she closes the door and leans back against it. After a few heartbeats, she creeps farther inside, arms folded over her chest, waiting for whatever is about to come. We’ve never been like this. Even when we’ve had disagreements in the past, there has never been this air of uncertainty between us, and I hate it.
I hate that it feels like we’re dancing around each other, avoiding the well-placed landmines waiting for an unsuspecting victim. We haven’t done this dance since I was hiding the shit about her mom and ex-boyfriend, trying not to slip up and tell her when hiding it felt like the only way to protect her and my family.
I take a deep breath and say, “I’m going to ask you something and I want you to say the first thing that pops into your head, okay?”
Her brow raises at my question. “Interesting way to start this off, but okay.”
I swallow the lump of nerves building in my throat, pushing it back down into my stomach. I don’t know what will happen next, but I know I have to ask. I need to hear the answer straight from her lips. “Do you love him?”
Nina freezes. “W-what?”
“Do you love him?”
Her gaze narrows. “Do I love who?”
“Beau! Nina. Do you love Beau?” I pinch the bridge of my nose. The longer we play this game, the more it makes me sick.
The next moments feel like a lifetime, waiting for her to answer.
Nina sighs, falling onto the edge of the bed. “Not like I love you.”
“That’s not good enough, Nina.”
“Not good enough?” She jumps up from her seat. “No! Nick, no. I don’t…I do not love him. But I won’t lie to you. There are feelings there for him, but they’re not…” Nina takes a step toward me but stops herself. “I love you! It’s always going to be you, Nick.”
“Even if he loves you?”
“Even if he loves me. I will always choose you. I am yours.” Nina takes the final step, taking my face between her hands. Her palms are warm against my cheeks. “My heart and soul belong to you. I only ask you to give me the grace to figure this out. The same grace I’ve extended to you about Charlie.”
“Nina, we—”
“I don’t want to know, Nick.” She shakes her head, dropping her hands and taking a step back. “I don’t need to know. Whatever happened…or didn’t happen, you weren’t yourself.” Biting down on her lip, she blinks away from our shared gaze.
“ Ti amo , Davina,” I say. It’s the first thing to cross my mind. I gently grip her chin and pull her mouth to mine in a quick kiss. “The only things that matter to me in this world are you and that little girl down the hall. I could lose everything, but as long as I have you…I know I’m gonna be okay.”
“You have me. You’ll always have me.”
I stick out my right pinky and tears form in her eyes when she looks at it. With a soft laugh, she sticks out her own, wrapping it around mine tightly.