Chapter 16
JAY
Their conversation flowed, as it always did, but Jay couldn’t relax. The pressure of breaking the status quo loomed over him, plunging him into brief but potent bouts of anxiety. Aaron eyed him with curiosity whenever Jay’s mood shifted but didn’t draw attention to it.
When Aaron mentioned setting up the guest room for Mark’s visit, Jay saw an opening. It wasn’t the smoothest transition, but a better opportunity wasn’t likely to come up.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something. About Mark.” Jay searched Aaron’s face for a reaction.
“Sure, what’s up?” Aaron took a sip of his jalapeno mojito.
“If it’s personal and none of my business, please feel free to tell me to take a hike.” Jay paused again, and Aaron made a gesture prompting him to go on.
“Do you wear the red bracelet because of Mark? Wait, that didn’t come out right. What I mean…do you feel like you’re not ready to play because you don’t think you can find a Dom as good as Mark? It’s gotta be difficult going from someone that knows everything about you to a total stranger.”
Aaron looked at him with a strange expression.
Jay tried to backpedal. “You don’t have to—”
Aaron shook his head, and a knot formed in Jay’s stomach. He hadn’t meant to ruin their evening with his curiosity.
The last thing he ever wanted was to make Aaron upset.
As Jay searched for a graceful way to change the subject, Aaron suddenly broke into laughter—bright and unrestrained, his shoulders shaking. He covered his mouth, trying to muffle the sound as tears leaked from his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he struggled through the words. “I’m not laughing at you. Just…Mark…a Dom…” Aaron dissolved in another fit of laughter. “Okay. I’m sorry. Oh, wow, I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.” He dabbed at his eyes with a napkin.
“I’m still not sure what’s so funny,” Jay pointed out, eager to hear the explanation.
“Just the idea of Mark, not only as a Dom, but as the Dom to ruin me for everyone else. Trust me, if you ever meet him, you’ll see how ridiculous that is.
I love the guy, obviously, but he’s a timid little mouse, and he’ll be the first to tell you that about himself.
There’s not a shred of dominance in that man. ”
“Wait, so you and him didn’t…” Jay’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
“Oh, we tried. Bless his heart, we tried. But it was obvious from that first half-hearted shove that it was never going to work.”
“So did you have an open relationship or…” Jay trailed off, not sure how to finish that question.
“Or,” Aaron said, his voice firm.
“You haven’t subbed since before you started dating your husband?”
Aaron pressed his lips together. “Pretty much,” he bit off, and Jay realized how deep he was into personal territory.
“I’m sorry, I’m prying.”
“You’re not. If I didn’t want to tell you, I wouldn’t.” Aaron sighed. “It’s just a little weird to talk about.”
If Jay had been sober, he would have stopped asking questions, but he was tipsy and curious.
“I’m surprised you didn’t start making up for lost time the moment your divorce went through. Why didn’t you?”
Aaron chugged the rest of his drink and moved sideways in his chair so he could face Jay. Candlelight danced in his eyes, highlighting the hint of melancholy buried under the smile.
“My marriage didn’t work, but I still believe in love.
I want a relationship, a partner, unconditional trust. Having sex with random people doesn’t hold the same attraction it did when I was younger, and I’m not sure I can be vulnerable with someone who doesn’t care about me.
I guess I’m expecting to find both romance and a good spanking in the same place.
” He chuckled at his own joke. “Maybe it’s time to let that hope go. ”
Jay hummed, processing everything Aaron said.
So much of what he shared could have come out of Jay’s own mouth, yet it wasn’t the same.
It couldn’t be. Aaron wanted a partner, but he didn’t have the pressure of being a Dom hanging over him.
Not that he would have an issue with it.
He had no problem dominating all aspects of his life.
“Now it’s your turn.” Aaron nudged Jay with his elbow. “You go to the club enough to know everyone by name, but Gordon made it sound like you don’t play there. Got some relationship trauma of your own?”
“No trauma.” Jay shook his head, gathering his thoughts. Aaron was being honest—it seemed fair to be honest in return. “I haven’t had much luck dating people. I don’t have much to offer as a partner. There’s something wrong with me, something big. I’m just…not enough.”
He was afraid to look at Aaron’s reaction.
Aaron must have sensed that, grabbing Jay by the chin and lifting his head until they were face-to-face, only a few inches of space between them.
Even in the middle of this uncomfortable confession, Jay couldn’t help thinking Aaron was the most beautiful man he’d ever met.
His smooth skin was furrowed at the brow, and his striking green eyes radiated determination.
“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life,” Aaron said, his fingertips firmly pressing into Jay’s skin.
“Putting aside the platitudes of how everyone is great and everyone deserves love, let’s look at the practical here.
You can’t say you’re not enough as a blanket statement.
The world is full of people looking for different things, and no matter what you have to offer, someone somewhere is looking for it.
Even if you think you have some giant flaw, not everyone’s gonna have a problem with it. ”
Aaron was surprisingly agitated on his behalf. Jay shrugged and dropped his gaze, which set Aaron off even more.
“Oh, fuck off with that attitude. What is it? A weird fetish? I’m sure there’s an app for that.
Got a hang-up about your body? Hundreds of hungry subs will line up to worship each and every part of you as long as you use that sexy stern voice.
You belong to a Bon Jovi tribute band? Well, that one might be an actual deal-breaker. ”
“Okay, okay.” Jay’s lips curled up in a smile against his will. “I get it. But it’s not that easy.”
Aaron patted his shoulder, his hand lingering before sliding down to Jay’s wrist. Jay turned his palm up, threading his fingers through Aaron’s.
He was being too forward, especially for someone talking about what a terrible partner he’d make, but he didn’t care.
The feel of Aaron’s hand in his was everything he needed, and he wasn’t giving it up.
“Do you want to tell me what it is?” Aaron asked carefully. “The reason you don’t think you’d make a good partner?”
He would hate himself tomorrow. Every word out of his mouth pushed the dream of dating Aaron further away, but what was the alternative? Mope on the sidelines without even trying? Pretend to be someone he wasn’t?
“I’m…” He didn’t know what to say. Even after deciding to be honest, he had no idea how to actually explain it without going into detail about everything that had ever gone wrong in his relationships. He tried to start one sentence after another, the words dying on his lips.
Aaron squeezed his hand in support, waiting patiently.
“Clearly, I don’t know how to explain it.” Jay huffed in frustration. “But I can give you an example.”
“Whatever you want to share. No pressure.”
“They offered me a promotion at work.”
Aaron’s eyebrows flew up in surprise. “That’s amazing, Jay! Congratulations! I’m proud of you.” He added softly, “We can talk about this stuff another time.”
“I wasn’t trying to change the topic,” Jay said.
“That’s the example. I was offered a promotion, and my immediate response was to say no.
My boss had to talk me into even considering it.
And before you ask, it’s not something terrible where I’d have to work a hundred hours a week or anything like that.
It’s literally the same job I’m doing now, plus supervising a few junior employees.
Anyone else in the world would say yes. You would say yes, immediately, without second-guessing yourself.
You’d never waffle and wonder if you were capable of being a manager or if you were qualified to make decisions—you’d just do it. ”
“Jay…” Aaron drew out his name. “You’re not being fair to yourself.
Being a manager isn’t something to be cavalier about.
It’s a skill, and if you’ve never done it before, it’s a scary new skill.
Don’t let anyone strong-arm you into doing something you don’t want to do.
It’s perfectly normal to want a career as an individual contributor.
People act like being a manager makes you better, but it doesn’t.
I’m sure you’ve had enough shitty managers to know that’s the case. ”
“That’s just one example.” Jay swirled the remnants of his cocktail around in the glass and drained it, the tart taste of kiwi diluted with melted ice. Another drink would be helpful in freeing his tongue, but his vision was already getting blurry, and he wanted to maintain a semblance of dignity.
Aaron’s shoulder pressed into his, promising patient support. He didn’t pry. He didn’t wave away Jay’s concerns. No matter how silly Jay’s internal struggles were to someone like Aaron, he’d always take them seriously.
“I’m only a Dom when it comes to sex,” Jay blurted out.
“It doesn’t work. If I date someone decisive, they don’t want to give up control in bed, and if I date someone submissive, they’re disappointed that I’m not as dominating in real life.
And I’ve tried, but I hate being in charge and making decisions. ”
“Do you actually hate it?” Aaron asked softly after a pause.
“Or do you just think you do because you’ve convinced yourself only a certain kind of person can be in charge?
Because I’ve seen you be assertive. You can do it.
Sure, you’re laid-back and a people-pleaser, but that’s not the same thing as being a pushover. ”
He’d have to think about it after sobering up, but maybe Aaron had a point.
“I think I want the job,” Jay admitted, surprising himself.
“Then you should take it. And cut yourself some slack in the relationship department. The people you’ve dated didn’t appreciate you for who you were, but you’ll find someone who will.”
“I will,” Jay echoed.
“There you go.” Aaron patted him on the shoulder and eyed the empty glasses on the table. “We should probably call it a night.”
“Yeah.” Jay nodded. “Thanks for the pep talk.”
As soon as they emerged from their bubble, the server appeared with the bill. Aaron thrust his credit card out without looking, and they were free to go a minute later.
“I hope you’re not driving,” Aaron said as they walked out of the bar.
“Nope, took an Uber here. Should probably order one now.”
Before Jay could unlock his phone, Aaron set a hand on his forearm. His grip lingered—firm and deliberate—like he’d just made up his mind about something important.
“I have an idea,” Aaron announced. “You’re going to the club tomorrow, right?”
“I am,” Jay answered with caution, not sure where Aaron was going.
“Let’s throw aside our bullshit and go green. Doesn’t mean we have to actually do anything we’re not comfortable with, but at least be open to it, you know?” Aaron’s eyes crinkled with contagious excitement, and Jay couldn’t find a reason to disagree.
“Let’s do it.” He whispered his agreement into the tipsy haze of the evening, just loud enough for Aaron to hear.
Whatever happened next, the status quo had been shattered.