Chapter 23
Setting down a tray of half-consumed dishes on the large kitchen table, Alice tilted her head from side to side, trying to loosen the stiff muscles of her neck.
Two weeks had passed since she had returned to her family home in London, and as much as she appreciated being back in familiar surroundings, she longed to be out of the city.
Coming home was absolutely the right decision—her father was now finally on the mend—but it didn’t change the fact that she missed her garden. And it seemed that as her father’s strength increased with each day, so did his inquisitiveness about her time at Hampton House.
How would she explain that she had learned about matters of great importance to her, knowing it would mean nothing to him?
It felt as if what she had learned was everything—about the world around her and her own strength—but as it would not help her directly in polite society, as far as he was concerned, it may as well be useless.
She searched her mind for tangible lessons from Priscilla that she could share without resorting to falsehoods but came up short.
With a nod of thanks to the kitchen assistant who was taking the dishes, Alice made her way upstairs to prepare for the evening before her.
Now the very first days of April, many in the ton were trickling back into Town.
Though the season would not officially begin until later in the month after Easter, several smaller events were occurring in the lead-up to the first ball.
Much to her chagrin, Alice was expected at a smaller dinner party.
Alice contemplated the gowns hanging in her closet.
While they were of the latest fashion, she wasn’t convinced they were completely to her taste anymore.
Previously, she had only cared about looking the part of a woman in high society, it did not matter whether the most current styles looked best on her, it was imperative that she reflect being of the class who set the trends.
Now, however, Alice couldn’t tune out Ethan’s voice asking her what it was that she wanted.
Not that she had a choice, as so much had already been spent, but she favored a simpler design rather than something that would overwhelm her slighter stature.
She thought about how resplendent Nathalie always looked in gowns with little trim at all, but Alice suspected much of her appeal was in how comfortable she was in her own skin, how it lent a confident glow which made her beautiful regardless of what she wore.
Alice, too, hoped to gain such confidence as she continued to discern her own hopes for her life.
Looking at the heavily beaded dress in her hand, she sighed in resignation before putting it back, instead selecting a peacock blue dress that had only a single strip of beads below the bust. While Alice once thought of her gowns as armor, a protective layer, she now wished others would see through the facade and accept her for who she was, but she feared that the dresses painted another picture entirely, presenting her differently than how she would wish to be known.
It was all so confusing—she longed to put on her plain dress, stained from the soil, and return to the flowers with Ethan beside her.
After scratching on the door, her new lady’s maid entered the room. “Would you like help preparing for this evening, miss?”
Alice sighed and nodded. She missed Jenny. Her new maid, Claudia, was a very nice and adept young woman, but they didn’t have a relationship. She still very much regretted that she’d needed to let Jenny go, but was comforted knowing she was settled in her new position.
Sitting down for her hairdressing, Alice scooped up Knightly and stroked him in her lap as Claudia began combing through her tresses and her mind wandered.
She thought it was a reflection of her growth that she had not tried to tempt Jenny to return to service with her.
Before, Alice would absolutely have thought primarily of her own comforts and needs and done all within her power to get Jenny to leave her new position and return to her.
But since Ethan had reprimanded her the evening she had held David late to finish in the garden, she couldn’t help but think of her impact on those she worked alongside and who served her.
It would not be fair to Jenny to disrupt her life once again simply for Alice’s own comfort.
“Thank you, Claudia,” she said as the maid put the finishing touches on her upswept curls. Alice stood and stared at herself in the glass. Well, she certainly looked like what others expected.
The dinner was excruciating. Alice faked smiles and laughed politely in all the proper places, but she fervently wished to be anywhere else.
After the meal, the women left the men to their port and headed to the parlor for discussion. It wasn’t long before the gossip began.
“Did you hear that a wedding date has been set for Mary Jeffries and her baron?” one of the women Alice had debuted with asked. “The first banns were read the previous Sunday, and it seems the ceremony will take place as soon as the three weeks of announcements have passed.”
“Why such the hurry, do you think?” the eldest daughter of a prominent earl asked with a sly smile, plenty of innuendo in her tone.
Alice felt like disappearing into the wallpaper, assaulted with the memory of a similar conversation in Lady Spencer’s drawing room.
She felt such shame at how she’d played along and inferred that Mary had behaved inappropriately.
Priscilla was right to call her out in the carriage for her comments later that day.
And the truth was far less questionable than the women around her were making the situation out to be.
Just a few evenings ago, Alice ran into Mary and her betrothed.
She had appeared to be extremely happy, clinging to the arm of her baron, love shinning from her eyes as she gazed at him.
It would seem to be a true love match, and Alice was genuinely delighted for Mary, even if she was a bit envious of her position.
“Don’t you think it’s all a bit scandalous, Alice?”
She jerked her head up at the direct question and saw several eyes waiting for an answer.
Alice supposed she could feign her way out of it as she had done previously; however, that didn’t feel like a viable option any longer.
If she didn’t fit into this world, why was she trying to pretend as if she did?
“I can’t say I know much about the matter. All I know is that Mary seems to be happily engaged. As none of us were present at the event in question, I’m not sure we should pass judgment.”
There. She had said her piece. Cheeks burning, she saw several pairs of eyes blinking in confusion, not sure how to respond now that Alice had failed to engage in their gossip and speculation.
“Well, I may not have been there,” said Lady Dorning, a newly married woman from Alice’s debut class last year.
Leaning in conspiratorially, she continued, “but Meg was, and she told me all about it. Mary was found on the balcony in a passionate embrace with the baron! Can you even imagine stumbling upon such a scene?” Several of the other women tittered in laughter as if they were shocked.
“Outrageous behavior. And in public, where anyone could see them. Has she no shame or sense of propriety? You young women these days!” interjected an older woman, whose name Alice couldn’t bother to try and recall.
Suddenly, Alice felt so very tired. Everything around her was just a show, and she didn’t want to play the part any longer. Everyone expected her to act appalled, as if she was some virtuous woman who would never behave in such a way.
But her memory wouldn’t let go of that morning in the cottage with Ethan.
Now knowing how easy it was to be swept away by feelings in the moment—to not even for a second have a thought about propriety when consumed by the one you desired.
No, Alice couldn’t blame Mary for her actions.
She loathed the malicious cycle of gossip they all found themselves in, each a victim and willing participant, regretting all of the times she had talked about young ladies in similar situations in the past.
“Mary appears to be in love, and she and the baron are to marry. Is it really so scandalous?” she offered at last, wanting to try and defend Mary, undo some of the damage if she could.
“I suppose that is true,” Lady Dorning said with a pout. “Once she is a baroness, no real harm can be argued to have occurred. After all, she landed a man with a title when she herself is only adjacent to one!”
The utter hypocrisy of it all could not be ignored.
All would be forgiven by society if the scandalous behavior was made right through an advantageous marriage, let alone the unforgivable sin of marrying outside one’s status.
And is this how they all talked about her?
After all, though her titled relations were of high rank and standing within the ton, Alice herself was only adjacent to a title.
“If you ladies will excuse me, it’s been a lovely evening, but I’m afraid I’ve a bit of a headache and should return home.” It wasn’t a lie, the events of the evening had indeed given Alice a headache, and more than anything she longed for the peace of her bedchamber.
The women around her made a fuss and said goodbye, but she didn’t feel any true concern or affection from any of them, it was all a part of the play they were participating in through unspoken agreement.
After donning her spencer, Alice eagerly made her way to the carriage.
She knew her father would question her early departure, but for now, she reveled in the quiet.
Resting her head against the side of the carriage as it started off, she wondered how long she could keep pretending.