Chapter 25 #2
The very reason Haewon had come to this house—to warn the writer of Inspector Wuyeong—died on her lips. She was no longer certain that Lady Gwideok was Black Lotus.
After a performance of nonchalance, Haewon waited for a lull in their conversation, and when it came, Haewon glanced out the window and feigned a look of surprise at the time, shared a few pleasantries, then said, “I had better leave now. My parents will be expecting me for our evening meal.”
With that, a few more pleasantries were exchanged, and then Haewon stepped out into the courtyard.
“What a peculiar conversation,” Boram said, and Haewon had completely forgotten the maid was there, sitting at the back of the chamber the entire time.
“I’m still unsure as to why we came all this way, agasshi.
And Lady Gwideok looked rather confused herself.
You never told her the reason for your visit. ”
“I’m going to sit down for a moment,” Haewon said, her knees weak. “I’d like to be alone.”
Haewon staggered to the back of the women’s quarter. And there she sat on the veranda, leaning her weight against one of the wooden pillars.
Her first thought was that she’d come to the wrong place, that this was not Black Lotus’s home, but upon further consideration, that seemed impossible.
How had the clues led her here, to the home of a woman who was not Black Lotus but was clearly a good friend of Mistress Wol?
And how was it that this residence stood right before a lotus pond? Was it all a coincidence?
Yellow ribbons fluttered on pine tree branches.
No, she had found the right place, but had requested audience from the wrong person. She was certain of that now.
“I’m here,” she whispered. “Magpie is here. But where are you?”
She glanced around again, at the peaks and waves of the rooftops, their black tiles gleaming in the sunlight. In one of the rooms, somewhere in this vast compound, had Black Lotus written that last letter to her?
I sit down this afternoon to answer your letter I received three mornings ago.
The words drifted toward her, on the wind, over the wall, through the swaying bamboos. Words from Black Lotus’s final letter, their correspondence cut off as soon as the king’s censure circulated.
How glad I was to get it, for I did not expect one so soon.
You do not know how much pleasure I take in reading your letters.
You take my most tangled and darkest thoughts; you spread them out in the sunlight for me, allowing the meaning to become clear.
I have reread your letters so many times I almost think I see you.
Haewon closed her eyes, trying to steady herself.
This had to be the home of Black Lotus. Lady Gwideok had mentioned two other family members—her father, who disapproved of novels, and her brother, who smuggled her books.
Was the brother Black Lotus? She had found his home then, but for some reason, she no longer wished to know who he was.
It was terrible, in fact, this realization that Black Lotus could indeed be a man. It meant they could never be friends.
Though I cherish my privacy above all else, I confess I would not be wholly against you discovering who I am. After all, you told me in one letter that you are so good at solving things, you must have been an investigator in your former life. Should you succeed, come and find me.
The author was a man. She would have to leave. But now she wished she’d been born a man, a scholar, who could take wine with Black Lotus, discuss books, and exchange ideas long into the night, without fear or shame.
I must return to my work now, and will end it with your request. You asked for a favorite passage of mine, so I send you one from the book you know is very dear to me, Yeolhailgi:
? ??? ??? ?? ?? ?? ??? ??? ???? ?? ?? ???
“If there is one person in this entire world who understands me,” she recited in a whisper, her mind drifting across the handwriting she’d committed to memory, “I can live this life without bitterness.”
A deep ache dug into her chest. Tears gathered at the corners of her eyes as she tilted her head against the column. She couldn’t understand this grief pushing at her ribs, this feeling of loss. Dabbing at her eyes with her sleeve, Haewon shook her head. She was being foolish—
A voice drifted over the walls. Rich and elegant, with a depth that sent a lurch through her chest. Her entire body stiffened.
For some strange reason, she could even smell his scent of sandalwood—imagined, yet she could still catch it in some faint recollection.
She stood and numbly followed his voice beyond the wall.
“Find my manservant for me,” the voice said. “I need to hear his explanation…”
The fluttering in her pulse faded just as fast as it had come. She realized who this stranger was, and how he was the first man to ever express his feelings for her, the first man she had disliked so much yet had thought of constantly, and the first man to so mortify her.
Panic surged through her.
She took a retreating step, gripped by a need to run away as every awful scenario flooded into her mind: He would spot her, peer down his nose at her as though she were his greatest enemy, as though she were a clod of mud staining his territory.
She had wounded his pride and she knew how mean a humiliated man could become—
“Haewon agasshi!” Boram’s voice shot out.
Haewon startled with a gasp. And she realized, with horror, that his footsteps beyond the wall had frozen.
“We had better leave now.” Boram hurried over to her. “You said you would return home to help with cooking.”
Her heart threatened to implode within her chest. With wobbly knees, she began her escape.
“Agasshi!” Boram cried. “Wait for me—oh! Where is your veil? Wait, let me go fetch it.”
Haewon did not know how she managed to rush out of the courtyard and out onto the open road without stumbling, her knees trembling as they were. She had meant to wait outside the small gate, but it didn’t feel far enough, so she kept walking until she could walk no farther.
She found herself in a wooden pavilion overlooking the pond.
The weather was warm, but she was trembling.
Her nerves were frayed. She had been in the mansion of the man she had rejected.
A house that was a reflection of his family.
She was so embarrassed, remembering her audacity, her outrage, at him pointing out the inferiority of her birth.
“Mistress Haewon.”
That voice again. Her stomach knotted painfully as she turned around. She stood, pressed up against the banister. “L-Lord Yu.”
He stood a few paces away, his cheeks flushed and his eyes stunned, his silk robe billowing in the breeze.
“You—you live here?” Haewon cried.
“I live here,” he replied slowly.
Cold sweat dribbled down her brow. She tried stepping back but the banister dug into the small of her back. She wanted to run, but there was nowhere to go.
“Please, don’t be alarmed,” his voice rasped. “I only came to be sure I hadn’t imagined hearing your name. I won’t trouble you further. Only—” A frown knitted his brows, and he made a helpless gesture with his hand. “I wish to say that—that I am sorry for how things ended.”
Haewon shook her head, a ringing sharpening in her ears. She had come searching for Black Lotus but was standing before Lord Yu. She pushed back against the banister, desperate to escape.
The wood creaked.
Then all at once, the banister let out an awful groan and the aged wood splintered.
A terrified yelp escaped her and she felt—oh gods, this had to be a nightmare—she felt her body arcing backward. Lord Yu was rushing for her, crossing over to her in a few long strides. She was falling backward. Everything felt as though it were occurring underwater—
And then she was underwater.
A shock of cold enveloped her. The pond wasn’t deep, only reaching her waist, but the chill of it stole her breath. She staggered upright, coughing, stunned to her core. No one had pushed her and yet it felt as though the universe itself had, with a sharp, cruel, and deliberate shove.
Shivers ran through her as she gripped the heavy fabric of her skirt, staring down at the mud-soaked silk clinging to her torso.
If humiliation had a bottom, she had sunk well past it.
She wished the pond would swallow her whole now.
She wished she had never come.
“Doryeonnim! Oh, doryeonnim. You mustn’t!” Female voices pierced through the haze of Haewon’s shock, and when she looked up, it was to see Lord Yu leaping into the water. His servants had flocked around the bank, pale and aghast, as they watched their precious young master wade through the algae.
Haewon was certain she was imagining it all.
But then a hand reached forward, palm open and long fingers outstretched.
Her chest contracted. Words from Black Lotus’s letter wound tightly around her heart.
You will never be friendless. You will never be entirely alone.
Her gaze lifted, past the once-pristine robe now plastered against the hard lines of his chest, past the collar now speckled with mud, to the face of Lord Yu Seojun. The ringing in her ears grew louder.
“Come,” he said, his voice as rough as gravel. His gaze was averted from her. “Let me assist you out.”
He held her elbow, and despite the fabric of her sleeve between them, the heat of his hand burned into her skin.
He continued to hold her firm as he guided her from the water, both of them nearly tripping more than once on the tangle of lotus stems and reeds.
Once they reached the bank, Maid Boram raced to her side and threw the veil over her, hissing, “I can see everything, agasshi!”
It took a moment for Boram’s words to register.
Wet silk clung to skin, leaving little to the imagination.
Horrified, she clutched the veil tight as she sank onto a rock, unable to look up at Lord Yu, grappling for composure as she felt her world tilting upside down.
She scrambled to reclaim a modicum of decency as another, colder thought floated at the outer edges of her consciousness.
At last, she managed to speak, but it was to the ground. “I apologize for—for all this.”
“There is no need to apologize.” He crouched to pluck off broken bits of stems and decayed lotus leaves from her drenched skirt, and the back of his neck was flushed a deep red. “You fell into the pond with such dignity and grace, it was quite a thrill to behold.”
She would have liked to laugh at this; she might have, if not frozen from a growing shock that expanded in her like ice. She could not even muster a smile. And when the realization fully took hold of her, her hands began to shake. Lord Yu—could he be Black Lotus?
She was afraid her composure might break.
She had come, searching for him for a reason, but her mind was in such turmoil she could hardly think straight.
“Wol is at the Ministry of Justice” was all she managed to say. “She was summoned by an Inspector Wuyeong. You ought to go speak with her, at once.”
His brows contracted briefly, then he looked up at her with perfect composure. “I shall see to it. You needn’t spare another thought on the matter, Mistress Haewon.”
Her heart twisted with inexplicable pain. She felt she’d lost her dignity in the pond, yet she sat here, staring down at the man who gazed at her with the reverence of a poet before the moon. A gaze so earnest and sincere that, for a moment, she could forget she was just a fool in a muddy dress.