Chapter 23
I found myself smiling on the way back to my room.
It was late, but not that late. Nadya and Mounir were most likely still at Maryam’s birthday dinner, serving the king and his family.
The Belzaris always hosted birthdays privately—family only.
Some sort of tradition, or perhaps the family consisted of too many people already.
Four companions, thirteen children, twenty-seven grandchildren.
My room was short of a roommate, just as expected. I settled for donning an underdress and hid the red dress underneath the mattress. Collapsing onto my bed, I let out a long, pleased sigh.
My body relived the feelings it unexpectedly experienced during our…
well, it was almost like a date. My belly fluttered as I thought about his palm resting on the small of my back, and that subtle caress with his thumb.
I could still feel the sweet embrace of his power, both cool and warm, coursing along my skin.
How his lips felt against the skin of my arms, against my fingertips—the same fingers that were now resting on my smiling lips.
They moved away from my mouth and slowly made their way along my belly, lower.
My eyes closed so that I could better picture his. Mmm.
The way his name came out hushed and heated from between my lips almost had me startled.
I remained sprawled on the bed, one hand on my full belly, the other resting on my forehead.
My thoughts, however, wouldn’t just be content and grasp only the positive facts.
Good things, like discovering he had powers that I was not only unafraid of, but ones that I liked.
Powers that could help me. My brain decided to instead focus on different parts of our almost-date.
Mainly the way he spoke about the need of an alliance, realising that I was afraid of war, fearful of the unknown.
Though I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a little spark of hope for the people of Ilma.
Perhaps the Silchans didn’t completely abandon their fellow Hydrans after all.
The risk, though, their lives at stake—that terrified me to the bone.
My thoughts jumped from one piece of our conversation to another.
The many things he revealed, the many questions that lingered.
Today, I was asked if I had ever ventured outside of Ramel.
Aegir’s words roused my past desires—ones that I hadn’t thought about for a long while.
Desires that had sprouted from roots of pain and heartache.
I couldn’t believe I was finally doing it.
I had kept my most shameful secret locked within me for years. But today—today, I swore to myself, swore to the gods, that I would finally tell him. Especially now that I’d uncovered his. And even though his secret wasn’t willingly shared, I still longed to open my heart to him.
Faern was away and I was finally alone with him. And he seemed to be in a kinder-than-usual mood.
“I need to tell you something,” Semuel and I said at the same time. I chuckled.
“You go first,” Semuel said.
“No, you go,” I persisted.
“This won’t be easy, Wildheart, but I’m…I’m leaving Ramel. I received word from Faern, and I’m going to have to join him. I wish to join him, to be with him.”
“Will I be joining you?” I asked. My heart swelled with fear and anticipation. And later, it shut off, sealing away my secret back into its quiet darkness.
It was around that time that I started contemplating leaving Ramel.
I was tired of waiting. Waiting for Semuel to return, waiting for the Ilmans to be freed.
I wished to forget that I couldn’t remember.
Wished to just make peace with it. And so I had fantasised about riding Cinnamon all the way to Sijar.
My savings were relatively abundant back then, thanks to Semuel buying me most of the things I needed.
But with my little fortune, I was still far off from buying a mare from the royals of Ramel.
Turned out that a few months later, Cinnamon injured her leg and my priorities took an unexpected turn.
And so I was left with nothing to do but hope and wait.
My tainted thoughts reminded me that there was another way. And so I was taken back to the day I was asked to accompany Farah to the city centre to buy cleaning supplies.
As I exited the cluttered shop, I was startled at the loud croaking noise that pierced my ears.
My head snapped up. A sharp-eyed raven with glossy black feathers was perched atop a shop sign.
It twitched its wings and tilted its head with sharp jerks.
Then it stilled. The raven’s intense look made it seem as if it were staring straight into my soul.
It croaked again, demanding more attention, before flapping its wings into the shadows. My eyes fell onto the sign.
Aunt Maibee, Fortune Teller. Know Tomorrow, Today.
The arrow beneath it aimed into the heart of the twisting alleys. I was about to dare a step, but Farah caught my elbow.
“We’d better get going.”
The following day off, I found myself winding through the narrow paths.
I hurried, ignoring the filthy men who taunted me with their disgusting thoughts.
The rats, too, made my skin crawl. I glimpsed the little shop in a deserted alleyway, and I rushed into its shadows, questioning its sanctuary. I peered through the braided fabric.
“Are you going to stand out there all day, or are you going to come in?”
The adorned curtain rattled when I parted its middle.
I was in a small room, its walls framed and decorated from floor to ceiling with a variety of bones and embalmed animals, their heads mostly.
And whatever little space was left on the gloomy walls was painted all over with shapes and strange symbols.
“Sit, girl, if you want me to tell you your future.” I stared at her, at her giant bush of salt-and-pepper hair flowing around her thin body.
“If you’re here for the contraceptive drops, you’re in the wrong place.
This is not the black market…at least not for that,” the dark woman said, her tone flat.
“No, I’m here because I want to know my past.” My voice lowered. “I don’t remember it after an accident.”
She looked at me for a while, then said, “I’m sorry, girl, I’m afraid my abilities allow me to see one’s future and not their past. I can tell you if you’ll ever find out.”
“No,” I blurted. Hope was all I had left, and I’d rather cling to it, even if in vain. “Thanks anyway, then. Good day, Miss.”
I was struggling with the curtain. “Wait, girl.” I turned around. “I may have something that could help you, but it costs.”
She opened a dusty cabinet using the key that hung on a long chain around her neck. She handed me a small black vial.
“What is it?”
“That is your door to the Seer.”
My eyes grew wide. “Th—the Seer?”
“Yes, you heard right. Drinking this will allow you to see her, to ask her. She knows everything. But, lady, this comes with a warning, all right. You would be in a very vulnerable state. Do not let her grab hold of you. You must remain grounded, anchored to this Land. Do you hear me, girl? Do not let her get to you, or your soul will be forever lost. You won’t be able to come back and she’ll keep feeding on it.
She’ll feed and feed and feed until your body on this Land rots to its core and withers into nothing.
No god would claim your soul then; nothing of you would remain. Do you hear me? Do you unders—”
“How much?”
“Four gold coins.”
“Four gold coins!? But that’s absurd. That’s…one hundred silver coins.” I had ninety-nine. “I don’t have that kind of coin.”
“How much have you got, girl?”
“Eighty silvers.”
“Do not lie to me.”
“Ninety.”
“You have ninety-nine, but I’ll let you have it for ninety-five.”
“I’ll come back next month with ninety-two.”
“Fine.”
I lifted the loosened tile beneath the chest of drawers.
I had spent all my savings when I bought it and I just left it there, hidden in a hole beneath the floor.
It remained still as a vial of pure black, just as it had been the first time I beheld it.
The room darkened as I moved it towards the candlelight.
I always chickened out in the end. With this, I could ask her anything, but the grabbing-hold-of-me warning stopped me whenever I attempted to.
That lady made it sound as if Daekon’s wrath was less menacing.
And in a sense, it was. Losing my soul would mean that no god would be able to claim it in the end.
Not Amfir. Not Daekon. It would just vanish, as if it never existed.
Mumbling carried from afar, and I quickly hid the potion, or whatever it was, in its secret place. I blew out the candle and nestled myself in bed.
As the sounds drew near, I hoped that Aegir would be able to heal me. A bargain that would not only give me back my memories, but would also save me from having to gather the courage to drink my way to the soul-eating Seer.
I kept my eyes closed, even when Nadya came in.
I steadied my breathing. She placed something on the chest of drawers.
I couldn’t possibly eat anything else. And not only because I was full, but also because I didn’t want to ruin the memory of its delicious taste.
So I pretended I was asleep, until I truly was.