Chapter 67
My head snapped past Marshen, instantly meeting Aegir’s haunting gaze.
My heart drummed so hard, I was afraid it would give up on me.
My knees wobbled just in time with my quivering lips, my hands trembled, and my eyes watered.
Oh! And what else? It wouldn’t have been complete if we didn’t start having a little trouble breathing, would it?
My lungs squeezed into a tight fist. The room felt too small, too hot. I—I needed to get away—away from him. I couldn’t handle Marshen’s death sentence, the abandonment of the people of Ilma, and on top of that, him. No, not him. That, I couldn’t handle.
Aegir made to approach, but I took a few steps back towards the alcove, my palms raised before me, towards them, towards him, a gesture that conveyed—stay away. I rested a palm against the wall and took small but steady steps along the elongated alcove.
Each step felt like a mercy, as once beyond the heating wards, the air’s temperature plummeted. My lungs were grateful for delivering them the crisp air that they desperately craved.
I wasn’t sure if he neared; I couldn’t bring myself to look behind me. I just kept walking.
Through prickling eyes, I took in the rocky ground before me that wound along scattered ice dunes. And very far away, along the icy horizon, was the tundra. The immense white mountains were covered in enraged, thick grey clouds—they appeared as indignant as I felt.
I took one long breath in and shakily let it out. The wind blew harder, sending a much-appreciated cool to my face—it whipped fiercely at my loose braid.
I started off with a march that gradually turned into an unmoored run.
Snow crunched beneath my feet as I followed the rocky terrain, and I unknowingly planned to run for as long as my lungs and legs would let me.
I was an adult, in my twenties, yet my overwhelming emotions made me act like I was no more than a scared little girl.
But I swore it was either my mind or my body telling me to run in the frigid air.
I was uncertain if it was footsteps that I heard coming near, but I soon confirmed it when he called out my name.
“Cordelia! Wait!”
I kept running.
“Wait! Don’t run over there. It’s not safe.”
He was much faster than I was, obviously, and soon reached for my elbow. I yanked my arm free.
“Get your hands off me,” I barked, finally turning to face him. His arms were extended towards me, somehow forcing me to take no more than a few careful steps back. I could see his palms, his posture, silent indications to slow down.
In a low voice, he rasped, “It’s not safe out here. Let’s go somewhere else, let’s talk.”
“Talk? There is nothing I want to say to you,” I spat. Yet I knew there was so much to say.
“Nothing, really?” The two words came out like a short laugh of disappointment. “You—you left…you left me!” His eyes, his voice, when I saw and listened, oddly made only one word come to mind—broken. I blinked and swallowed the burning feeling away.
“I left you!? You left me when you chose her. And you—you were going to leave me behind anyway.”
“No! I—I swear to you that I didn’t choose her, and I wasn’t going anywhere unless you came with me.”
“Liar! I heard you! I heard you say her name. I heard you say that you would sire her child.” To my surprise, my voice came out strong; only a little bit of it seemed on the verge of breaking.
“No, I—I didn’t. I mean, I did…but it’s not like that. It’s all a misunderstanding. I can explain everything, but please, let’s step away from here.”
I know what I heard.
“Misunderstanding? I misunderstood nothing, Aegir. I heard every one of your cruel words loud and clear. And had I truly meant something to you, you would have talked to me first, but I don’t—I never did.
You got your vengeance, you got your pivotal alliance, and it came with bedding the most desired woman in this godsdamned continent.
That’s much better than a lonely girl you let run around your feet.
” I scoffed. “One second. Her name slipped so easily off your tongue. The very least you could do is not lie to my face.”
“Oh, I would have loved to talk to you about it, but you never gave me the fucking chance to explain myself! To explain my choice of words. You just left!” His tone transitioned from furiously pitched to a frustrated, misty roar.
Then it turned low and cold. “And you dare call me a liar? When you are surely not the one to talk about lies. I never once lied to you, while you, you kept secrets from me. Why Ilma, Cordelia? Why out of all the places in this godsdamned continent did you go to the only forbidden land?”
“That does not matter.”
“Well, it matters a hell of a lot to me!” Then his voice softened. “Tell me, what have you been keeping from me?” I shook my head at him. “Tell me,” he all but begged.
My trembling lips pursed. “Fine!” My voice turned raw and sharp. My eyes stung, but I swallowed my tears, just as I swallowed the burning lump that threatened to suffocate me. “I—I went to Ilma because I was told I would find what I had been searching for these past ten years.”
“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific than that. Search for what?”
I chewed on the insides of my cheeks. “Answers,” I whispered.
“Answers about my life.” My voice thickened.
“I don’t remember anything from before the accident!
I can’t remember them. I can’t remember my own parents!
” My mouth watered, and a waterfall of frosty tears flowed down my cheeks.
“Who does that? Who forgets their own parents? Clearly, Aegir, something is very wrong with me. I have no true identity. I have nothing—am less than nothing. I don’t even have my own fucking smell!
”I had never ripped myself open to someone like that. To anyone.
Stupid, stupid fool.
“I—I’m so sorry. I wished you had told me that, we could have tal—”
I snatched the box from my pocket and hurled it straight at his chest with jealousy-fuelled rage.
I pushed away my guilt at the thought of Emika.
But at least I kept my promise. He caught the box between his palms, his brows turning knitted.
Then with sharp words, I hissed, “Well, I don’t. There, take it.”
“No, Cor—”
“Just tell me this.” I swallowed. “Why? Why did you make me feel like I mattered, only to later remind me that I was nobody? You made me realise that I was always the one being sent away or left behind and forgotten. Always the one being lied to.”
I watched as two tears slid down both of his cheeks, freezing at his stubbly jaw.
His voice was so shattered, each whispered word felt like an ache through my heart, “But Cordelia, you are everything to me.” His lips pursed and he forced a blink that sent more tears running down his face.
“You—you once wanted to know why I didn’t ask you that question, when we slept on the carpet at the inn.
I didn’t ask you because I was so afraid that you wanted to free yourself from me, and I couldn’t live with the thought of you wanting to be rid of me, when the only reason I made you come with me to Dunehaven was because I could no longer stay away from you.
Not even for one godsdamned week. Don’t you understand who you are to me?
Don’t you realise that there’s only you?
You’re my life’s worth…Cordelia, you’re my—”
It felt so, so real. So real, that my bones shivered, sending a domino effect of gooseflesh trailing along the whole of my skin.
The memories of us together flashed before me.
When he surprised me with the bales, when he told me that Cinnamon’s leg was healed, when he retrieved my necklace, when he fed me, trained me, when we kissed, when we…
The battle between my mind and my heart was overwhelming—my heart believing him, wanting me to run to him and never let him go, but my mind, it… I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I took one small step back.
Wrong move.
Nivaria swallowed me whole, and I plummeted straight into its belly.