Chapter 16
I woke up in the bed alone.
Last night came back to me in flashes of joy and satisfaction, but after opening my eyes and seeing my hands spread out over the empty sheets before me, my heart sank as an intense headache started to pummel my mind.
Had Van left in the middle of the night? Maybe our secret tryst hadn’t gone as well as I’d originally thought. The idea of him sneaking out of my room in the middle of the night and finding refuge in his room made my heart tremble with sadness. Had it not been good for him?
My heart started to race in my chest, reminding me of all those times I was left alone as a child. I closed my eyes, doing my best to regulate my breathing, spreading my open palm across my chest and attempting to self-soothe. You’re fine. Everything’s fine.
Even if Van did leave you.
Shaking that live-wire thought from my brain, my eyes opened to the still room before me, the ceiling hovering over my field of vision.
I was a mass of second-guessing as I sat up in the king-sized bed. The bright light of the sun was shining through the blinds we’d been too preoccupied to close last night. On the floor, our clothes were still scattered and abandoned just as they had been before we’d had sex.
No, not our clothes. My clothes. Van’s were gone. Which meant that it was super intentional that he left my room and deserted himself from the night we’d shared together.
Aside from the barrel of somberness rolling through my body right now, I felt used. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was awesome being used by Van, but I didn’t think I’d actually been just some fling to him.
But why? Wasn’t what we’d just done the very definition of a fling? He worked for me and we’d had a one night stand. There was nothing more to it than that. There couldn’t be.
A huge pulse hit my head and my hand flung to my forehead on instinct to try and stop it or absorb the pain. I knew I was going to have to deal with the fallout of fucking Van once it was morning, but I’d seemingly forgotten that I’d have to do it with a damn hangover.
There was a faint sound of electronic clicking and the next thing I knew, the door to my room was swinging open.
I hated how my heart swelled with happiness when Van came into view, wearing his suit from the day before as he cradled bags of fast food in his arms. He caught the door with his hand, making sure it didn’t catch on the wall from the force that he’d had to maneuver with the items in his arms.
Those abandonment feelings left my chest as soon as he set down the bags of food and the carrier of coffee on the dresser, his eyes taking me in.
Abandonment was a popular therapy topic for me, and clearly, the next time I went, I needed to delve on that a little more because why the fuck had I been so worked up?
Van was here, bringing me breakfast, like the gentleman I knew he was. My first thought shouldn’t have been that he’d toss me away like I was nothing. I knew that, more than anything.
He wasn’t her.
“Sorry,” Van said softly, shifting the contents he’d brought in with him as his eyes found mine. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
I smiled back, all thoughts of my previous meltdown fading away to nothingness. “You didn’t.”
He tilted his head once and then gestured toward the dresser and the spread of food on top of it. “I got you your vanilla iced coffee. Actually, I got two.” Van revealed a bottle of ibuprofen from the inner pocket of his suit. “I figured you might be feeling as awful as I am.”
“That was thoughtful,” I beamed genuinely. “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
Van brought me one of the iced coffees he’d gotten for me and brought the food that was still concealed within the provided bag to the bed, finding a seat amidst the outline of his body from where he’d slept the night before.
Our hands grazed when I reached for my coffee, and we managed to lock eyes and give each other a grin.
My heart was resounding with a repetitive pitter-patter.
One night with this guy and I was a fucking puddle of emotions.
Not wanting to dwell on the mess he made me, or the fact that I was still completely nude underneath the sheet and comforter currently covering me, I took a sip of the vanilla iced coffee and mewled at the wonders of caffeine kickstarting my body for the day.
Nothing got me going like a cup of coffee.
Well, and Van, obviously.
“How did you sleep?” He asked, plunging his arm down into the bag from the fast food place he’d obviously attended and placing the contents on the sheets in front of him.
There were a multitude of differing biscuits, fries, hashbrowns, and even a couple varieties of breakfast burritos laid out in front of him, giving me choice paralysis on what I could have.
As I plucked one of the breakfast burritos, thinking it was safer than the biscuits for some reason, I started unraveling the wrapper as I said, “Pretty well, you?”
Van unfurled one of the biscuits and leaned over his lap so he didn’t spill any crumbs on his suit as he took a bite.
“Soundly.” He managed to say after chewing his food.
For a few minutes, we sat there in comfortable silence, allowing each other to refuel with the food he’d acquired. We didn’t start talking again until after I’d finished the second burrito and washed it down with the remainder of my coffee.
“So.” He sounded so finite, and the word came out very straightforward. I knew how the rest of this conversation was going to go before he started talking again. “We should…probably talk about last night.”
I sighed, nodding, even though I really didn’t want to.
In some ways, I wanted last night to exist between us without us having to discuss it to death.
Or at all, preferably. That wasn’t possible, though.
Not with me being his boss and him being my security guard.
We’d crossed the line, and now we had to deal with those consequences.
“Yeah, I suppose we should.” I said. “But do you mind if we have this conversation with both of us clothed?” I made a general gesture toward where I knew my clothes were still mulling about the floor.
“Oh, yeah, sorry.” I actually saw Van blush as he lifted himself off the bed, gathered my clothes in one quick swipe, and handed the now balled up articles of clothing to me. “I can leave the room while you get dressed.”
“No need.” I appreciated his attempt at keeping my modesty, but that had all but gone out the window with last night’s loud romp in the sheets. “It’s not like you haven’t seen it all.”
Van blushed again as I hopped out of bed and slithered my clothes from the day before across my frame.
He kept looking away when I would look up from dressing and catch him eyeing me up and down, which only made me smile.
I liked that Van seemed incapable of looking away from my naked body.
It made me feel like last night wasn’t a mistake, even if we were about to declare as such in just a few short sentences.
Fully clothed, I sauntered over to the dresser for a brief moment to grab my second coffee and take a quick sip before I returned to the bed and sat next to Van.
Gone was his blush for staring at my abashed form for too long, and the seriousness from the topic of conversation had returned and taken its place.
I’d much prefer the uninhibited Van to the straitlaced, business Van any time of day.
“So, last night.” I prompted because honestly, I just wanted to get this over with. I knew that we needed to discuss this, about whether we were going to fortify our boundaries with one another or if Van was going to quit, but I didn’t like having these types of conversations.
Especially when I thought about Van quitting.
He’d so recently come into my life and made what I felt like was a difference in it, that the idea of him ambling out of my life, never to be seen again, hurt my heart.
I could hear my therapist’s voice in my head, asking me why I thought it was that it was such an upsetting ideal.
I just buried that pesky little voice beneath the surface of my forethought.
Giving Van my undivided attention, I waited until he folded his hands over his lap and gave me his own sigh, telling me that he was just as uncomfortable with this discussion as I was.
“Firstly, I just want to say that I don’t regret anything about last night.” Van began, shifting on the bed so that his body was facing me. I gave him the same courtesy. “At least, nothing that happened between us. I might regret those last few tequila sodas.”
That made me chuckle, which caused a ripple of pain to claw its way over my forehead. I was definitely going to need that bottle of ibuprofen before this talk was finished.
“Yeah, my head is killing me.” I said, grabbing it for good measure.
I hadn’t even noticed he’d put back the bottle of painkillers in his suit again, but he produced the bottle from the same place that it’d been previously and handed it over to me.
I unscrewed the top without delay and grabbed two pills out.
Tossing them back, I washed them down with the deliciousness of my coffee.
His hand unraveled from his lap and found the free one that wasn’t holding onto the plastic of his coffee cup like the lifeline it was. Squeezing it lightly, I looked into his eyes and found that undeniable kindness that he always held.
“Last night was amazing.” He reiterated, squeezing my hand again after delivering his words.
“It was incredible. You were incredible. And I know that complicates things because you’re my boss and I have a very important job, but I don’t regret it.
And I’m not planning on leaving because it happened. ”