Chapter 22
My romp with Van only made the show better, in my opinion. I was running on a high I hadn’t been for the other two shows. Tour was just starting, but I was beginning to think of Van as my good luck charm.
Which was a dangerous thing for me to think. I couldn’t rely on Van to be my fuel source for the shows. And I had no intention of letting it become a habit, but I was definitely riding the wave of adrenaline from our sex to make tonight the best show I’d done yet.
I honestly think I was giving my best show. The crowd in Pittsburgh was responding like they agreed with me, cheering extra hard for me, at least from my perspective. I wasn’t just running on cloud nine, this had to be at least cloud thirteen.
I felt like I was even singing better, even though I knew that was most likely psychosomatic at best. Maybe my brain was just so full of oxytocin that I was perceiving myself to be better than I was, but I didn’t care.
I felt too good to get too caught up in it.
I just kept singing, kept dancing, and doing what I did best. The crowd was fueling me to new heights, and I was determined to ride it until the wheels came off.
Okay, Alistair, don’t allude to riding. You already did that. Yeah, I didn’t need to be thinking about Van right now. The last thing I needed was to start sporting a boner with this many cameras on me.
Refocusing my efforts, I started singing the bridge of Two Can Play That Game with renewed gusto.
Are you surprised that I found my bark
I left it at that bench in the park
Sorry not sorry for the rude interruption
I’ll make a new mess out of my crude eruption
I won’t be a dog and be told to stay
Because this bitch still has a lot to say
The crowd erupted, chanting the lyrics back to me.
I loved that the dog / bitch line had sort of gone viral online and I knew it was a crowd pleaser.
It made me happy that people connected so much to my music, especially this song, because it was from my first album.
A lot of my first album reflected my life prior to recording music and living in Nashville, aka the trauma of growing up.
So it made me feel seen by my fans that they had clung to one of my most autobiographical songs.
I went into the final chorus just as the crowd roared around me, making me smile as I held the microphone up and prepared to sing. I could sort of see a commotion happening near the stage, but I just figured people were excited for me to bring the song home, so I just grinned and started singing.
If you want to pretend that I don’t exist
If you want to make that knife really twist
If you wanna know the life that you missed
Two can play that game
If you don’t even want me around
If you don’t even care if I drown
If you don’t even like me in this town
Two can play that game
I was about to go right into the outro of the song, but there was a loud ruckus pulling attention from the moment.
Before I could even get a word out for the outro, or even truly realize what was going on, a fan managed to storm the stage.
He was a haze of movement to my left, standing several feet away from me.
He didn’t appear crazed or anything, just really excited.
I heard the sound cue from my inner ear going off, to keep singing the outro, but I hadn’t even had the chance to start.
I wasn’t going to get the chance to either.
Because the fan looked like he was going to tackle me with affection.
It was scary to think that, here I was, open and vulnerable like this.
If it hadn’t been this part of the song, I wouldn’t be alone on stage.
But it was part of the impact of the song to have the dancers leave after the second chorus.
I was alone and scared of what was going to happen next if I didn’t react.
Luckily, I didn’t need to react much. Van was a blur as he moved by me and screamed something at the fan that I somehow missed, despite him being so close to me.
I hadn’t even seen where the hell Van had come from, only that he must have been watching intently to have gotten all the way down stage so fast.
Then the stage was swarmed with the security team that came with the venue and I didn’t even seen the fan through the wide builds of them all.
One second there was a massive heap of black security outfits and then the next they were moving like one entity and the only thing left on the stage was me and Van, the crowd booing the fan as he got escorted off stage.
Amidst the other fans’ reaction, Van came sauntering over to me with an evil glare in his eyes that I knew was meant for the fan that had just breached my safety.
His broad frame was blocking the cameras from catching me on stage, something that I was instantly grateful for.
I held the microphone away, letting it fall with my hand by my side so our conversation couldn’t be picked up.
“Are you okay?”
I couldn’t speak, too stunned by the events and how fast they had transpired. Managing to nod, Van grabbed me by the shoulders and really looked at me. “Are you sure? We can stop the show.”
I shook my head no. I didn’t want to stop the show. I refused to let one fan ruin the entire experience for everyone else. Besides, this song usually ended with an outfit change anyway. I think the crowd could survive without me doing the outro.
“I’m good.” I gave him a smile, allowing myself a single second to breathe through this before I had the cameras on me full blast again, still blocked by Van’s stature. “I’m alright, I promise. I’ll do the costume change like planned and come back out for the acoustic set.”
Van gave a single nod, in complete security mode.
Probably because he was going to have to reconvene with the venue’s security after he left the stage to deal with the fan.
“I’ll let them know. Go hit your cue for the lift and if you want to address the crowd prior to the acoustic set, you can do it then. ”
I nodded again, grateful that, even though he was my security guard, he knew the show well enough to know that I had a portion of talking to the crowd before I performed the acoustic set anyway. “Thanks, Van.”
He smiled, but it wasn’t the smile he gave me behind closed doors.
This was the professional smile, the safe smile.
The one that said we weren’t sleeping together.
He was one hundred percent in work mode right now and, despite the fear coursing through my veins from the fan storming the stage, it was kind of hot to see Van in full protective mode.
Even if it was warranted because he was my bodyguard.
Van left the stage, leaving the crowd to me.
I plastered on a smile, trying to play off the way someone had just stormed the stage.
The crowd reacted by giving me a loud ass applause to play me off.
I bowed for them and managed to carry myself over to the lift.
I gave them a grateful wave and blew them a kiss as the lift sent me down and I didn’t let the smile leave me until I knew I was safe underneath the stage.
Holy fuck, that could have been so much worse. I’d never experienced something like that before. Sure, I’d had some interesting fan encounters, enough that Priyanka had determined that I needed a bodyguard for my own safety, but nothing like what had just occurred.
As much as it scared me that it had happened in the first place, I was grateful at how quickly it had been addressed.
Not just with Van’s tenacity to protect me, but with the other security team’s response to get the fan the fuck out of there.
Don’t get me wrong, it was terrifying, but I also felt absolutely protected in a way I hadn’t had before.
Of course this would happen during a song that spoke on how unsafe I’d once felt, mirroring the situation perfectly. This was going to be interesting, going back on stage.
But like Van, I too was a professional. I managed to do my costume change, swiftly altering my look to wear an outfit that I’d had custom made by one of my favorite designers.
This outfit was essentially a suit that looked like it was made out of repurposed rags, only these rags were covered in a multitude of rhinestones.
I’d had the vision for this look ever since releasing my song Rags and I needed it executed perfectly in order to honor it appropriately on tour.
Luckily, the designer had fucking nailed it, making the rags look purposeful and tailored enough that it looked more suit than rags.
It was effective, and I was so grateful to put it on every night.
By the time I was back on the lift, I was already feeling lighter, even despite the heavier outfit.
The fans were roaring with applause and chanting my name, which was new, as I appeared on stage, holding a white colored acoustic guitar (and, yes, it was also fully rhinestoned) that was strapped around me.
So far, the crowd hadn’t chanted for me, but given what had happened earlier, I took it as a not so silent gift from them.
It proceeded the entire time that I walked down the stage to meet the little acoustic set up we had.
There was a silver piano off to the right with a mic bolted at the perfect angle for when I would use it here in a second.
On the opposite side was a mic stand that I could stand in front of while playing guitar like I was about to.
Naturally, the crowd started to calm their cheers once I stopped walking and stood in front of the mic stand to the right of the stage and started strumming some random chords on the guitar so that I could speak to the crowd.
“Well, that was quite the event, wasn’t it?
” I tried to play off what had happened like it wasn’t serious, and the crowd didn’t know how to respond.
I kept talking to keep them from panicking.
“I appreciate you guys being excited to be here, excited to see me, but it really scares me when something like that happens.” I said with genuine earnest, locking eyes with the closest people in the crowd before addressing them en masse again.
I was at the very edge of the stage for this acoustic setup, the most intimate part of the show.
“We plan this show months in advance, down to every detail, not just for my safety, but for yours. So if we could always keep that in mind, we can enjoy the reason for us being here together. And that’s the music. ”
Applause filled the stadium, and the fans started to chant my name again, once again telling me that they were listening and didn’t want to ruin the night. I started strumming with intention then, changing the chords to the song I was planning on singing in just a few moments.
“This is the part of the show where we strip everything back and I play one song on guitar and one song on piano for you guys. As I’m sure you’ve figured out, the guitar song is always a surprise for every show, the only song on the entire setlist that isn’t repeated.
And I’m sure you’ve also figured out that I play a song from a certain artist for the guitar song, and tonight’s no different.
What is different, is the song I’m choosing tonight and why.
This song isn’t just one of my favorites, but most of the song explains how I’m feeling right now, in this moment of my life, so I hope you guys sing along. ”
I positioned my fingers to start the song, excited by the anticipation pouring out of the crowd.
My tradition during the acoustic set was to do exactly what I’d told the fans, one song on piano and one song on guitar.
While the piano song always remained the same, a mashup of my songs Rags and Riches from my first album, the guitar song was always one by Taylor Swift, one of my most influential musical inspirations.
She was by far my favorite artist, so I’d decided to carve out a section of the tour where I got to sing a song by my favorite artist.
A smirk set on my mouth as I plucked the last chord before I was set to sing, I glared at the crowd, prolonging the playing so that I could speak the first line before strumming. I wanted the crowd to try and pick up what song it was as I sang.
So when I started the first line of Glitch, the audience went fucking bananas, even as I started strumming along to the appropriate chords. Singing along to this song was very therapeutic, and was a grateful distraction from not thinking about what had just happened moments ago on this very stage.
Of course, while singing Taylor’s amazing lyrics, I was singing about Van.
How could I not? Our tryst in the hotel hours before this show was stuck on my brain like super glue.
It’d been so transformative of an experience, at least for me, and I was bursting at the seams to talk about it.
But I knew I couldn’t mention that Van and I were sleeping together for multiple reasons.
That didn’t mean I couldn’t use music to my advantage though.
What I could do was sing about how I felt, even if it wasn’t my words I was using to explain how I was feeling.
I’d chosen Glitch because most of the lyrics detailed how I felt about Van.
I hadn’t seen him coming, not by a long shot.
He was a surprise I was delighted to keep having, over and over again.
The fans were shouting the lyrics back to me as I headed toward the end of the song, grateful that they knew it enough to sing it back to me.
It wasn’t until I strummed the final chord and finished the last lyric that I felt accomplished in detailing this little secret that no one could understand that I’d just relayed.
It was just for me to know. A little something that I’d given myself despite the stressful time that I knew was waiting for me backstage when the show was finished.
Applause rang loudly around me again as I bowed for them, smiling ear to ear as I allowed myself a moment to soak in their cheering. I had seven more songs left in the show, and I planned on going all out to distract the crowd from the earlier mishap.
Just for a few more fleeting moments, I could soak this in. This life I’d been lucky enough to have. Just like I was lucky enough to savor those moments off stage with Van.
I’d cherish moments like this forever, and I wanted it to never, ever stop.