Chapter 36 #4
Logan and I stood on top of The Hill overlooking the town of Kalulell.
The same hill where I broke up with him when we were teenagers.
A light snow was falling as dusk descended, the town Christmas tree glowing gold and white in the distance.
I stood in front of Logan, back to chest, his arms around me, my hands over his arms. It was cold but not freezing. We were used to it.
We didn’t talk. We took his father to the hospital and when he was stabilized, we drove him to the nursing home he had been in and out of for months.
I knew that Logan was paying for it, not his father.
His father hadn’t said a word on the drive in, but his face was pale, defeated, and exhausted.
When we and the staff had gotten him settled in his bed, he’d held a shaky hand out to Logan. “I love you, son.”
“Do you, Dad? I want to believe that, but the way you treated me and Mom, what you did to Bellini, that wasn’t love.
Love is action, Dad, and your actions showed no love.
None. Ever.” Logan’s shoulders were rigid, his face grim.
So much was boiling under the surface. “I’ve got to go.
I can’t talk about this with you anymore. ”
“I love you, Logan,” he whispered again. Drake shifted his gaze to me. He was small now, and sick. “I’m sorry, Bellini. I know now you would have been the perfect daughter-in-law.”
“Yes, I would have been,” I told him. “I would have been kind. Even to you.”
Two more tears slipped out and ran down the deep lines of his face, and I momentarily felt sorry for Drake.
What a miserable life he had led. He had been a nightmare to everyone.
I knew that if this were some sappy Christmas movie, I would forgive him, and everyone would smile under the mistletoe, but that’s not how real-life works.
People do things that are unforgivable. You don’t need to dwell in it to heal.
You don’t need to “work” to forgive the person, because that puts that person and whatever horrid thing they did to you back in your mind, in an endless, agonizing loop, until you forgive them.
It puts the responsibility on you, even though you were on the receiving end of whatever twisted thing they did.
Like Drake did to us. Sometimes it’s best to shut the door on toxic people, to choose not to interact with that person again, to live in peace, and to look for the golden lights in your life that you do have and move forward.
Drake had finally apologized. It changed nothing of the past, none of the lost years were made good. But Logan and I would move forward into our own golden lights.
The view was sparkling on top of The Hill, the hill we’d been on so many times when we were younger and wanted to make out in his truck or mine, and it was private.
We sat down on an old bench and started talking, slow at first, lots of space between sentences so we could hear each other and think about what the other said.
Logan had heard the entire truth at his dad’s house.
He had not gone outside to the barn to get my Christmas present, which had ended up being a pretty Christmas quilt that Laina had sewn that Drake wanted me to have.
“I’m sorry, Logan,” I told him. “I am truly sorry.”
He kissed me, and I sunk right into that sweet kiss. “Never say you’re sorry for what happened. There is one person who is at fault here, and that’s my father. Everything you did was for me and what you thought was best for me.”
“But I took away your ability to say yes or no to my plan. I wasn’t honest with you. I didn’t let you make your own choices about your life or about me. I left you out of it completely. I made the decision, and you didn’t know the truth. I am so sorry.”
He linked his fingers with mine. “You were eighteen. You did what you did out of love for me.”
“I did, but it was not right. And there have been many years between when I was eighteen and now, but I always thought I was doing what was best for you. I missed you so much, Logan.”
“Me, too, honey. I have never stopped missing you.”
“And Logan, I never stopped loving you, either. My feelings have never change.”
“I have loved you since kindergarten.”
We had to stop to put our foreheads together, and pause, and love each other, and then our passion got the best of us and wasn’t it funny that I was soon straddling Logan on The Hill and kissing him, a position we were familiar with up there.
“I sure would like to see you naked soon, Bellini.” He was breathless, like me.
I laughed through my breathlessness. “How soon?”
“Immediately. Always. Forever.”
“Well…that’s a mighty big truck you have.”
“Bigger than the truck I had in high school.”
“I’m still pretty limber.”
“I can still lift you around.”
“I think we can steam up the windows.”
“I think we can be teenagers again.”
We both laughed, and he threw me over his shoulder and carried me back to his truck. We had a wonderful jingle bell time. We put on Christmas music to get us into the spirit of things.
His jingle bells were ringing.
We arrived together to the O’Donnell Christmas Monster Cookie Decorating Contest.
My whole family was delighted to see Logan. My aunts and uncles and cousins were aflutter in their welcome.
“Are you two back together again?”
“Yes,” I told them. “We are.”
“Definitely yes,” Logan said, then kissed me.
My family cheered, my mother loudest of all.
“Glory be and glory balls,” she said, holding up two glasses of wine, one in each hand. “Merry Christmas to one and all. This is the best gift! I knew we’d have a Christmas miracle this year! I just knew it!”
Logan won the O’Donnell Christmas Monster Cookie Decorating Contest. The tables were filled with sugar cookies and icing, candies, and sprinkles and anything else you could think of that could be put on cookies.
A Christmas tree decorated with tons of homemade kids’ ornaments towered in the corner, and a giant blow-up Santa leaned against a wall, waving and swaying. He’s been in the family forever.
There are no rules to the O’Donnell Christmas Monster Cookie Decorating Contest. Whoever makes the best monster wins.
Everyone gets one vote. Logan built a five-layer green and blue monster with huge teeth made from cookies cut into triangles.
He added horns, claws, a long cookie tail, and googly eyes.
Between each layer, he built little stilts so the monster was about nine inches tall.
One of my cousin’s kids said, “It’s too scary!
” But another said, “That’s the most delicious monster I’ve ever seen. ”
Everyone clapped. Logan bowed. Now he had bragging rights. The winner got to wear a red Santa hat with a blue fabric cookie on it. Logan looked scrumptious in it.
Next, we ate the cookies, and my mother brought out Deschutes Family Tequila, which made everyone laugh harder, except me, because I don’t drink. We danced in the family room to all the best dancing songs, and Logan kissed me in front of everyone.
“And there’s no mistletoe either!” Aunt Debbie exclaimed. “The monster cookie king and his queen. Merry Christmas, everyone!”
I spent the night at Logan’s loft. He didn’t have a Christmas tree, so we stopped and grabbed one at a Christmas tree lot. By that time, it was almost ten at night. He didn’t have Christmas lights or ornaments, so we rushed into a store and bought both.
When we were at his home, his fireplace roaring, lights down, the Christmas tree decorated, he said, “I never wanted to celebrate Christmas, Bellini, after we broke up.”
“Me either. I wanted it to be zapped away.” I snapped my fingers.
“My mom made it fun, and so did you. After she died, you always made the day special for me with the cards you made, the ornaments we gave each other, and the Christmas cookies you baked. Plus, I hung out with you and your family. But since then, Christmas has been a tough day.”
“It was never the same. I was always sad because I wasn’t with you. The holidays put that in a white-hot glare.”
He hugged me close, then flipped me onto his lap. “Let’s not have bad Christmases again.”
“Agreed.” I dropped a kiss on his lips. “No Grinch-like Christmases.”
“Mr. Claus is wondering if you want to go to bed and enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
“Oh yes, Mrs. Claus would love to enjoy your Christmas spirit. She wants to envision sugar plums dancing through her head.”
“I heard that Mrs. Claus is on the naughty list this year.”
“She certainly is and she’s proud of it.”
My goodness. Logan knows a lot about naughtiness and the “Christmas spirit” in the bedroom.