1. Silas
Chapter 1
Silas
S ilas was having a shitty day. Well, a shitty week, actually.
“You need to calm the fuck down. You’re making me anxious,” Sheppard said, his low drawl interrupting Silas’ brooding.
“You’ve never been anxious a day in your life. And I’m fine,” Silas replied before reflexively checking his phone for any missed texts or phone calls—not that he’d left it out of sight long enough to miss one.
The no reception icon mocked him.
Sheppard didn’t call him out on the lie, but he shot a pointed look to where Silas’ knee had been bouncing nonstop for the last three hours before turning his eyes back to the road.
Silas did the same, willing the long highway in front of them to shorten. He snipped and folded the miles in his mind until he could imagine Silver Rapids, the sleepy little town full of paranormals they called home, laying just over the next ridge, out of sight, rather than another hour’s drive away.
Home isn’t safe.
Pack is vulnerable.
He is vulnerable.
Run. Go. Go.
Fuck. Silas scrubbed at his face and reasoned with his wolf, for the thousandth time on their four-hour long drive, that at this distance, staying in the truck was faster than bursting from the confines of his human form and taking the four-legged route home.
He debated doing it anyway—if only to shut up the incessant growling and pacing in his mind.
He envisioned himself cutting over the fog-laden mountains on his giant wolf paws, already capped in snow, and loping through the forest thick with tangled brush and shocks of early October yellow and orange foliage.
Surely, sheer willpower alone could carry him faster than Sheppard was willing to drive their work truck on the old patched-up asphalt.
Obviously, Silas hadn’t done a good enough job hiding the near-constant drone of anxiety prowling around his mind all week, because Sheppard softened his tone and said, “I’m sure everything’s ok. Finn would have used the satphone if Cain or anyone else from Salt Creek showed up, or if he needed us to come back early. We’ll be home soon.”
Silas grumbled in answer. Soon wasn’t soon enough. “Seriously, why were we out there anyway? All that guy wanted to do was play Survivor Man .”
Chuckling, Sheppard replied, “If you can call pre-planned, brush-cleared hunting expeditions and sleeping in a warm bed every night Survivor Man , sure. Really fucking roughing it.”
“Don’t forget the private chef,” Silas finished, shaking his head.
Fucking celebrities.
Meanwhile, he and Sheppard had slept in a camper van and ate microwaved food out of a bag for a week while they acted as additional security for some actor’s vacation getaway deep in Alaska’s interior.
Needless to say, five days of double shifts, shit sleep, and lack of cell reception had grated on Silas’ nerves, and he ached to be back home in Silver Rapids; needed the incessant monologue in his head to go quiet, if only for a few hours.
Go.
Go.
Go.
“Really, though. You good? You don’t seem good,” Sheppard said, surprising Silas a little bit.
Usually, he left the feelings check-ins to Finn, Silas’ best friend of twenty-seven years, and only offered a grunt in return if either of them asked anything deeper than whether or not he needed a Tums.
“I’m fine. It’s just not usually like this.”
“What’s not?”
Silas huffed. “Leaving home. It never used to bother me this much. I feel like I’m going to pull my hair out if my wolf doesn’t shut up about getting back to Silver Rapids and making sure Sa—uh, everyone’s safe.”
“Don’t pull your hair out. You’ll regret it later,” Sheppard said, taking off his baseball cap and rubbing a hand over his buzz cut.
Silas gave him a flat stare.
Sheppard shook his head. “Do you really think Finn would have let five seconds go by without calling if something had happened? If Jaime, or anyone else, was even remotely in danger?”
Silas sighed, some of the tension leaving his shoulders. “No. No, he wouldn’t.”
Jaime, Finn’s mate, had been their client last spring. He’d actually met Finn through a dating app a year and a half before, but a series of unfortunate circumstances prevented them from seeing each other face to face until Jaime’s brother, Sam Lamont, had hired their security firm to look after him.
Jaime’s identity and involvement as a witness in an internet-famous murder case had been leaked online, and upon showing up at Jaime’s house for the first time Finn had thrown off a yard full of reporters swarming the poor man.
And then he’d promptly fallen in love.
Right before his eyes, Silas watched his usually taciturn friend turn into a giant lovesick puppy, swooning over every bashful flutter of the redhead’s eyelashes. It was disgustingly adorable.
Silas’ heart warmed thinking of the light in his best friend’s eyes nowadays. He’d been so muted before, tucking himself away from the world in fear of being found wanting. It had taken Jaime’s wide-eyed boldness and earnest love to pull Finn from that dim, gray place, and Silas would love him forever for being such a good mate to his best friend.
But Jaime wasn’t the Lamont brother that Silas’ wolf was chomping at the bit to get back home and check on.
Even if he wanted absolutely nothing to do with Silas.
Go. Find him. Go.
“You’re usually itching for a traveling job. I thought you loved getting out of town for a few days,” Sheppard said. There was a hint of guilt in his voice like he felt responsible for how terribly Silas had handled being away.
Fuck.
“I am,” Silas quickly reassured. “Or, I was. I’m not sure what’s changed.”
Sheppard’s brow raised. Silas had never been good at lying.
Usually, it was the thought of being trapped in one place that made him antsy. He’d always jumped at the opportunity to travel somewhere he’d never been before, to meet someone new. Up until last spring, Silas had been content to wander, searching for whatever it was that drove his wolf to look, to see, to find .
He hadn’t even been conscious of what he was looking for, just that he knew he hadn’t found it yet.
Occasionally, he’d have nightmares where all four of his paws were stuck in mud, glued down so his steps were heavy and slow even as he tried to run for the horizon. Growing up, he’d hear his uncle’s voice drilling words into his head that made him feel small and alone.
Alphas don’t hug their mothers, Silas, and they don’t need anyone else to defend their territory for them.
Humans are weak and pathetic. They’ll only take from you. They don’t belong in a pack.
More recently, his dreams were filled with running toward someone; a man who had his back to Silas, walking away at a steady clip while Silas tried to keep up, thick muck clogging his steps so he’d never catch him.
Silas would wake feeling suffocated, yearning to shift into his wolf so he could run and run and run uninhibited until the memories of a bleak, lonely future were nothing more than wisps of smoke on the wind, easily forgotten.
While he padded through the trees, scenting the air and earth all around his home, Silas would remember his family—his mother and father who loved him so fiercely they’d risked everything so he’d have a future of his own making.
He’d remember Finn, his best friend whom he’d found a brother and confidant in.
And when the sights and sounds weren’t of his home anymore, but of the forest surrounding a small, one-bedroom apartment on the outskirts of Monroe, a town halfway between Silver Rapids and Anchorage, Silas would remember the man from his dreams.
And then remember why he shouldn’t remember; why he shouldn’t be patrolling the perimeter of that small apartment at all.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Reeling his thoughts back in, Silas shook his head to clear the near-constant rumbling. He glanced over and found Sheppard looking at him expectantly. Fuck, had he said something?
“Sorry, what?” he asked.
Sheppard smirked and flipped on his blinker to signal their turn off the highway toward home. “I said, we can’t keep up with these jobs that take us away from home anymore. Not when there are only three of us. I have a buddy; he’s in a bit of a tough spot right now and will be looking for some work. I’m thinking of hiring him to join the team.”
Silas blinked, his surprise finally silencing the growling in his mind.
Sheppard had started their security firm right after the three of them were discharged from the military following the death of their teammate and friend, Joe Renner. He’d asked Silas and Finn to come work for him, and they’d been a trio ever since. Silas couldn’t imagine their dynamic with an additional person involved. And a stranger, for that matter.
But Sheppard never voiced his thoughts or opinions half-baked. If he was sharing this with Silas, it meant he’d been thinking about it for a while, and had already made up his mind. He was just giving Silas a courtesy heads-up.
“Is he looking to move to Silver Rapids?” Silas asked.
Sheppard made a noncommittal hum. “He’s looking to move somewhere.”
He must have read the confusion on Silas’ face because he continued, “He’s being released from prison in a few days and needs to line up work and somewhere to live. I’ve turned away quite a few jobs outside Silver Rapids in the last few months, and he’s willing to travel and live on the road most of the time to fill in those gaps. He wouldn’t be a permanent resident here. Not yet, anyway. But I think he’d be a good fit.”
Silas raised his eyebrows. “You have a friend getting out of prison, and you want him to come work here ? Is he a paranormal?”
Sheppard nodded. “It’s a long story, and not mine to tell. But yeah, he’s a deer shifter. He’s a decent guy, just a bit rough around the edges. We both know Finn has wanted out of the traveling gigs for years and even if you hadn’t volunteered to take the double shifts this time, I seriously doubt he would have agreed to leave. So, I thought we could do a test run for a few weeks, and see how Buck does with the team.”
Silas guffawed. “Buck? Your friend is a deer shifter, and his name is Buck?”
Sheppard smirked. “It suits him. When you meet him, you’ll see. And I’d suggest not teasing him about it.” He paused. “Actually, please do. Things have been too boring around here lately, I’d enjoy seeing that.”
“Alright,” Silas said, shrugging. “I mean, I’d have to meet the guy first before I invited him over for Christmas dinner, but it’s your team. You hire whoever you want.”
“It’s my security firm, yes, but he’d be moving to Silver Rapids. I thought it would be best to run it by you.”
Silas blanched. “Why would it matter what I think about him living in Silver Rapids?”
Sheppard let the question hang in the air for the rest of the drive home, the silence thick as they finally crossed back into cell phone range. Silas watched as a few brief texts from Finn came through, updating him on the lack of activity during his nightly patrols.
That was the crux of what Silas had tried avoiding for the last five months, wasn’t it?
He was the alpha, and now his best friend sent him updates like a sentry; like a Second . Now, his other friend, who had been his commander and boss for over ten years, was suddenly asking his permission to hire someone new.
All because of something Silas had never wanted and had done his best to ignore and suppress his entire life.
Silas tried not to be disappointed that he hadn’t heard from anyone else in the week he’d been away, including a certain short, stocky, deliciously sturdy and grabbable green-eyed redhead. Who’d probably punch him in the teeth if he knew half of the filth Silas thought about him late at night.
Or in the morning. Or after he’d finished a run—sweaty and out of breath and raring to go, with only a hot shower and his hand for relief.
Find him.
Go. Go.
Silas sighed heavily, all at once exhausted as Sheppard pulled into town.
The gnawing edge of his wolf’s anxiety waned the further they cruised into Silver Rapids; passed the pharmacy, Jared’s bookshop, the Silver Dollar general store, and the handful of drinking and eating establishments surrounding the town center, already decorated for Halloween even though it was still a few weeks away.
Silas waved as they passed people he recognized, making note to check on some of the elderly residents in the coming days. Winters here weren’t for the faint of heart, and it made him sleep easier knowing everyone had a good stockpile of wood to keep warm.
Silver Rapids was almost exclusively a haven for paranormals. Local lore varied on how the town was settled, but every version included some form of magic that explained why humans generally avoided the area unless brought in by a paranormal resident.
Jaime had lived just outside of town for a couple of years and never visited until he and Finn met. Silas theorized Jaime had been drawn to settle nearby because of Finn—the pull of the mate bond bringing them closer even then.
Most Silver Rapids residents maintained a modicum of subtlety and plausible deniability when out in public, but some were more comfortable walking around in their partial or full shifts. As they passed the bookstore, Silas watched Jared clear the recent dusting of snow off the hood of a vehicle with a single swipe of his giant polar bear paw before shifting it away to appear entirely human again.
A family of vampires bustled into the cafe across the street that served specialty beverages and pastries.
Finally, Sheppard pulled up to the home Silas used to share with Finn. There were no lights on to greet him, no tantalizing smells of his brother’s cooking beckoning him inside. Just a cold, empty house.
He hated coming back here alone.
Yes, Silas missed his best friend. More than that though, he missed what he’d never actually had. He missed the opportunity for a future he’d seen, so briefly, before it was ripped away by a few short words and the sight of a man walking away from him.
I don’t want you.
So yeah, maybe he hadn’t just had a shitty week. Maybe it’d been more like a shitty few months.
“Take next week off, Silas,” Sheppard said, shifting the truck into park. “Maybe go see your parents. We haven’t had any new client requests come in, and you’ve earned it with the overtime from the last five days. I’ll just be catching up on paperwork in the office, anyway.”
Silas heaved a sigh. “Thanks, Shep. Give me a call if you need anything,” he said, grabbing his bag from the backseat and heading inside.
Upon entering the house, Silas flicked on the lights and dumped his dirty clothes in the laundry to be tomorrow’s problem. While he showered and fumbled his way through a stir fry that Finn had always made a million times better, he contemplated Sheppard’s suggestion.
It had been too long since he’d visited his mom and dad. He’d give them a call tomorrow and ask if it was a good time to come stay for a few days.
After he finished dinner, he crashed onto the sofa. In the quiet stillness, with nothing left to distract him, the inner soundtrack of his wolf’s delusional pining grew too loud to ignore.
It was a constant litany of protect pack, gather pack, keep pack close, make sure pack is safe, keep watch over territory, call Finn, check in on Jaime, ask Sheppard if he needs someone to talk to.
Find Sammy.
Go to Sammy.
Make sure Sammy is safe and warm and inside for the night. Does he have enough wood chopped for his stove to last the season? Has he been eating enough? Ask Finn to make him some meals to heat up. Does he have flannel sheets to keep extra warm at night?
What does Sammy’s bedroom smell like?
Go ask Sammy if he’s hungry. Make sure Sammy’s warm. Make him smell like us.
Sammy.
Sammy.
Sammy.
Go. Go!
Go now!
It was unbearable.
He’d been trying to shut it up all week. Silas had thought being back in Silver Rapids, being closer, would soothe his aching need—make it more tolerable. Clearly, he’d been wrong.
It was just getting louder.
Go. Go. Go.
Sammy.
Sammy.
Sammy.
Silas huffed and pushed himself up off the couch to pace around the living room.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Silas hollered back. He doesn’t want us, you stupid dog! No amount of whining will change that!
Go!
Go!
Go!
“SHUT UP!” Silas roared, slapping his palms over his ears, desperate to drown out the howling, but the ringing of his phone cut him off.
He rushed to pull it out of his jean pocket, hoping and wishing and praying he’d somehow willed Sammy into calling him, but sighed heavily when he saw Finn’s name on the caller ID.
“Hey,” he answered, clearing his throat.
“Are you ok?” Finn asked, voice full of worry.
Silas’ brow furrowed. “I’m fine, why?”
He should really stop telling people that.
“I’m—I can’t explain it. Anxious? It felt like I should call you. My wolf was telling me to call you.”
“Your wolf told you to call me?” Silas asked. Between the two of them, Finn was usually the one whose wolfy instincts were quieter, given he was only half shifter.
GO.
GO.
Finn blew out a breath. “Yeah. It felt the same as that night in the restaurant when I was waiting for Jaime but he never came. My wolf told me to find him. I didn’t realize what was happening at the time, but… Are you sure you’re ok? I can come over.”
GOFINDSAMMYGOFINDSAMMYGOFINDSAMMY.
GOGOGOGOGO.
Silas couldn’t feel his face. He made for the front door, stumbling and cursing as he tripped over the coffee table on his way across the room, blindly fumbling for his keys.
“Si? Please talk to me. It’s getting louder.” Finn’s voice wobbled; he was scared now, too. Somewhere in the background, Jaime said he’d start their truck.
“I think something’s wrong, Finny. Something’s wrong with Sammy. I’ve got to go.” Silas couldn’t hide the way his voice shook, either.
He hung up, and as soon as he had the truck started and reversed out of the driveway, he began calling.
It rang. And rang.
Voicemail.
GOGOGOITWILLBETOOLATE!
Silas called again.
ITWILLBETOOLATEITWILLBETOOLATEITWILLBETOOLATE!
Voicemail.
TOOLATETOOLATETOOLATE!
With how fast he was driving he’d make the twenty-eight-minute trip to that little one-bedroom apartment in Monroe in fifteen, but Silas still felt like he’d been thrown into one of his nightmares.
Unable to catch up to the man walking away, his paws were stuck in mud and slowed down every step he took while he tried to sprint toward the horizon.
Toward Sammy.
He kept calling.
GOGOGO!
I'M GOING!
Sammy. The man who’d flipped Silas’ world upside down with one look; who’d shifted the magnetic poles of his heart, waking him up and shining a bright light on every instinct and desire he’d ever tried to ignore.
Sammy. The man who’d shown him yes, this is what you’ve been waiting for. This is what it feels like to want a partner; an equal. Someone to build your life around. Someone to start a family with. Someone to make a pack with.
Sammy. The man who’d made Silas believe he could be a good alpha someday, maybe, if he only had Sammy by his side, directing his inner compass away from an ephemeral, uncertain future, toward one thing, and one thing only.
Solid, and unwavering.
Pack.
And at the center of it—Sammy.
GOGOGO!
Sammy had become his lodestone.
His True North.
Silas had been chasing him his whole life without even knowing.
So what do you do when the one person you long to know most in this world says they want nothing to do with you?
Five months, thirteen days, and two hours later, Silas still didn’t have an answer.
But if a world where Sammy didn’t want him was excruciating, a world without Sammy in it at all was intolerable.
So, fuck staying away. Fuck protecting what remained of his shattered heart. Fuck ignoring what his wolf had been shouting at him all week to do.
All his life, really.
Silas would finally listen. He’d hunt Sammy. And when he caught him, he’d probably get his heart broken all over again.
I don’t want you.
But that was ok. Silas would beg Sammy to come and break his heart every day if it meant he picked up the goddamn phone.
Silas called again.
Finally. Finally, after the fifth or eleventh or thirty-sixth time he called, someone answered.
And Silas knew something was very, very wrong when Sammy, his mate, the man who smelled like crackling embers and toasted marshmallows, said, “Silas? I think I need help.”