Chapter Twenty-Six #2
This led into alghazi and how one had to first understand the mind fully before they could enter and sift through someone else’s.
The writer described the mind like a puzzle, made up of thousands of tiny pieces.
Where did each thought lie? How did the person store and sort through their thoughts and feelings?
A lengthy anatomy section was followed immediately by a psychological one, where drawn diagrams showed how the mind was organized from person to person.
It made me think of my shelves, where I stacked my every thought, fact, memory, and feeling like books.
When Azazel finally returned, he was covered in sweat and breathing heavily, his eyes bloodshot—not that he’d even look at me. He went straight to the bathroom with his head down. Death leapt off my lap and ran to him, but he’d closed the door before she got there.
And he calls me dramatic.
Attempting to ignore his performance, I continued reading. But I was struggling to consume even a few lines, forced to reread them over and over again.
When the water began running, Death let out a loud meow.
She whined as he bathed, even scratching at the door once.
Groaning, I tried to pull the quilt over my head, but then my mind was filled with images of me spread out.
Azazel peeking up at me from between my legs.
The feeling of his tongue on my clit, how he somehow surpassed even the dream I had.
Every swipe and lick and dip had forced me higher and higher, and I wanted more of it.
No.
Clenching my thighs together, I slammed the book closed, shimmying off the bed and sweeping up Death when I got to her. “He’s not mad at you, evil little thing. It’s me he can’t stand right now.”
The door swung open seconds later, revealing a now damp and nearly naked Azazel, his face no longer pained. Now, he was furious.
“Yeah, I am mad at you!”
Backing up, I scrunched my brows, trying to keep up with his rapidly changing moods. Had he not been ignoring me? I willed my eyes not to lower to the fluffy black towel that was barely secured to his hips.
“Obviously,” I said. That seemed to only further piss him off. His chest muscles were taut, veins protruding from his arms and neck.
“Don’t do that!”
“Do what?”
Azazel followed, his teeth bared. “Act like none of this matters! Like nothing happened!”
“Why?,” I asked, setting down Death before throwing my hands into the air. “That’s the only way for things to go back to how they were! To undo what we ruined!”
“We didn’t ruin anything!” He pressed into me, forcing me back towards the wall. “We—we—we finally did exactly what I’ve been dreaming of!”
“You can’t be that desperate to fuck me! There’s tons of women out there! Men too! Go find a different one!” I pointed to the door, as if willing him to go seek out someone else’s company.
“I don’t want a different one! I want you, Nova!”
“Why?”
“Because I fucking love you!”
My back slammed into the wall, my heart thumping repeatedly in my ears.
I swore the world stopped turning for a moment, as if Azazel’s words had stilled the clocks, conquering time itself.
Though I desperately wanted to be free of him, of the affection I felt bleeding off of him, I didn’t move.
He’d let me leave, I knew that much about him now.
Yet, I stayed pressed between him and the plaster.
Maybe because half of me felt safe there, trapped in his grasp.
Love? What did he know of love? What did he know of affection or dedication or promise? What did he understand of partnership? Of devotion? Love was beyond him, not because he didn’t deserve it, but because he’d never even known it.
“No. No you don’t,” I shouted back, breaking the spell upon the world, the clock’s ticking loud in my ears again.
“You don’t even understand love, Az. You’ve never felt it or understood it.
You were raised by people who never felt it either.
For seventy years you’ve been surrounded by greed disguised as love.
Green painted red so you wouldn’t realize that it was just selfishness!
You can’t possibly be in love with me, not when you’re incapable of even grasping the magnitude of something like that!
And not when I am everything you were born and raised to hate! ”
“You don’t get to tell me how to feel!” His face was twisted, as if in pain rather than in anger.
“Of course I’m in love with you! How could anyone in your presence feel anything else?
I can’t think when you’re here, and I can’t breathe when you’re gone!
When I close my eyes, it’s your face that haunts my every thought!
You’ve absolutely ruined my life, and I’ll thank you every day for the rest of it, because I’m better for it!
I love you, Nova!” He beat his fist against his chest, the thumping loud as he said, “I don’t care that I wasn’t shown it, I can feel it.
It’s all I’m sure of in this stars-forsaken universe! ”
“Stop! Just stop!” I couldn’t take it. The confusion.
The terror. The utter hope his words brought while simultaneously plaguing me with every past wrong.
He couldn’t love me. This wasn’t who we were ever meant to be.
“We would never work. Can’t you see that?
Don’t you realize that for generations our families have built a divide so big that not even you and I can bridge it?
Why are you pretending like we can frolic through fields together?
You and I don’t get a happy ending! I’m not even convinced we’ll survive this fucking war!
Even if we do, you’ll still be an Altair and I’ll still be a Tershetta!
Stop acting like you don’t know exactly what you are and what I am! ”
“Oh, I know what you are,” he rasped, his finger pressing into the space between my breasts. It wasn’t a painful jab, but still firm all the same. “You’re stubborn. Selfish. Rude. Arrogant. Guarded. Sarcastic. Distrusting. And. I. Love. You.”
“Then stop loving me!” Shoving him, I tried to breathe, to consume air not polluted by him.
He didn’t budge. In fact, he got closer. “How about you just admit how you feel!”
“I feel like I really fucking hate you right now!” I shoved him again, only for him to slam his hands into the wall on either side of my head.
“Well I don’t particularly like you right now either!”
“Good!”
“Good!”
We stared at each other, my shoulder blades pressed into the wall, his hands flattened against the plaster on either side of my head.
Our chests rose and fell in time with each other, the rapid breaths forcing my breasts to shove into his bare stomach, the rows of muscles flexed in his fury.
My fists were at my sides, my jaw tight.
The air felt like it was buzzing, like magic twirled between us. Maybe it did. We were both angry enough. Maybe we’d kill each other. Rid ourselves and the world of the other’s presence. That’d be a gift.
Yet, I couldn’t look away from his damn lips.
His gaze was locked on my mouth too, his body shaking against mine. And I watched as his eyes went from belligerently squinted to desperately wide. All I had time to think before he spoke was yes.
“Fuck it,” he growled. And then he was pressing his soft, perfect mouth against mine.