Chapter Twenty-Nine
Nova
“Dad is sick again. I’ve been reading him stories about a dragon who can heal with fire as he lays in bed. Maybe if I get magic I can learn how to heal him just like the dragon does, and everything will be okay again.”
Az and I hadn’t spoken much after Desi left. We’d still decided to wash the dishes together like we always had, which felt somewhat normal at first. But then came washing the sheets.
We always washed everything in the tub with soap, similar to the wash bin I used growing up, though I caught Az doing it once without even touching the clothes.
I’d called him lazy, reminding myself of Mama.
Yet, when I moved to carry them to the bathroom where they were meant to be cleaned, he stepped in front of me, his arms crossed, muscles straining against the long, grey sleeves.
“What, pray tell, are you doing?”
“Washing them?” It came out as a sort of hummed question, confusion lacing my tone.
“Why?”
“Because they’re dirty.”
“Are you saying what we did was dirty?”
“In what world is it not dirty?” I hadn’t meant it as if I was washing away what we did. It was just that…well, I’d made a fucking mess on them.
“A perfect one where you speak,” he groaned, grabbing the sheets from my hands. I tried to wrestle them back, the two of us pulling hard enough to yank the other forward each time.
After a handful of back and forths, Azazel grew annoyed enough to actually try. He tugged so hard my entire body went flying forward, my chest smacking into his abdomen and my face hitting the pile.
As he always did, Az capitalized on the situation.
His fingers wrapped around my hair, forcing my chin to tilt up.
Our mouths were pressed together a second later, my mind muddled as I tasted him.
His tongue was firm and curious in my mouth, his breath hot and minty with just a hint of smoke from a burner.
“Talk to me, Little Void,” he moaned into my mouth. I let go of the sheets, wrapping my arms around his neck, trying to hold him there. Sadly, he began to slow, his tongue moving in far less eager strokes. “Please.”
Sighing, I pulled away first. He was so persistent. Was that how people viewed me? If so, I was annoying.
“Az, we can’t.”
“Okay, fine. We can’t. But if we could, what would you want?
Imagine that perfect world. One without magic or core families or rebellions.
” I gasped, so surprised by his definition of a perfect world that I couldn’t argue.
All I could do was listen intently. He dropped the sheets and released my hair, moving his hands to my face.
His eyes were wide and earnest—pleading.
“In that world, would you love me? Or even just like me? Would you see a future with me?”
Yes. I would.
The picture came into view as easily as a memory. Az and I meeting at a school of some sort. Him being a jerk, because that was just his default. Me studying constantly, because that was just my default. Us arguing and butting heads, because that was just our default.
We’d fall slowly, naturally. It’d start with a stolen, heated kiss on the back end of an argument neither of us would win.
From there, we’d grow closer. Still fighting, because that was inevitable and very us.
We’d date and kiss and make love. We’d find shitty jobs and he’d give me a modest ring that I couldn’t stop looking at.
We’d get married and build a small cottage to call home.
We’d have a baby or two, but no more than that.
And we’d happily grow old together, fighting and fucking and absolutely loving one another.
And it would never be real.
“We live in this world, Az. With cores and rebellions and magic. With pain and history and hatred. This is our reality. Here, in this cottage, yes, something else feels possible. Of course it does. This is a fairytale. A figment of our imaginations. The two of us spend hours here, getting to live comfortably while others fight for their lives. Everything feels possible to us simply because we’re in a bubble bound to pop. ”
Azazel stood straight, his hands digging into his hair and his eyes closing. “Nova, I’d change this entire world if I could. I don’t think you even comprehend what I’d do for you. How much I love you. If you did, you wouldn’t see us as impossible. You’d see us as inevitable.”
Unable to take it anymore, I bent down and grabbed the sheets again, heading for the bathroom. Was that a tear beading in my eye? What was wrong with me? I was losing my priorities, crying, and—what?—falling for Azazel Altair of all people? How the fuck did I let this happen?
“Nova, please.” I stopped in the doorway, squeezing my eyes closed. “Just…if we were there right now—in that perfect world, I mean—and I said I love you, what would you say?”
Taking a deep breath and readying for the pain of such an admission, I said, “That you’re worthy of all the love in the world, but I can’t give it to you.”
***
Morning training with the rebels was very different from what the elites and grunts did.
We began with stretching casually on our own, moving to sparring from there.
Az and I hadn’t spoken much since we talked about a perfect world the night before, but he was quick to stand at my side as people began pairing up.
Desi waived from her spot a few dozen feet away, the man at her side talking rapidly despite her clear lack of attention.
The woman leading the training wasn’t the commander, but she still held herself like a formidable leader. When she ordered us to begin, Az immediately started circling me. I readied myself trying to recall all we’d learned in academy.
Az swung, stopping his fist just in front of my face. “Come on, Nova, block.”
Nodding, I got in my stance, knees bent and ready to dodge. When he kicked out his leg, I blocked it with my forearms, twisting and swinging my elbow towards his gut. He caught my arm, wrapping his around my neck. But he didn’t squeeze or toss me or even try to do anything.
“Protect your neck. You know these things.”
“It’s been a while, okay? And are you holding back?”
“Of course I am.”
“Well don’t!” I wiggled out of his hold, backing away from him and returning to my stance. “You being a sweet, docile instructor won’t save me.”
“You want me to be rough? Then I’ll be rough, Little Void,” he growled.
Momentarily, I was lost in the promise, but then he charged at me, bending at the last second to lift me before bringing my back to the ground.
I hit with a violent smack, his hand catching my head before it slammed into the frozen, dead grass.
Was I still breathing? No, that wasn’t possible. Breathing was a long forgotten memory, a reflex my body was no longer capable of. Sucking in gulps of air, trying to remind my lungs of how great it was to consume oxygen, I looked up wide-eyed at Az.
“Listen. I know you want to feel invincible. You’ve been underestimated by me and just about everyone else for the entirety of your life.
It can be enticing to fight to prove yourself, but don’t do it at the risk of your safety.
Let me train you the way I want to.” Pressure appeared at my temple, the pad of his finger firm as he rubbed the spot where my headache was already building.
“Let me help make you into the monster your enemies fear haunt their shadows.”
A shiver crawled up my spine, shattering at the base of my neck and spreading across my skin. Azazel didn’t give me a chance to answer, instead he pushed off me, practically bouncing back onto his feet before offering me a hand up.
Reluctantly, I took it, submitting to his lessons.
We fought slowly, his hits never hurting me and his instructions constant.
When the woman leading training had us switch to a group run, we all lined up, taking a route around the entirety of the base.
It wasn’t a strained or stressful run like the shaytan did.
Instead, it seemed to focus on endurance.
Az noticeably hated the pace, huffing and rolling his eyes periodically, but he eventually used the opportunity to talk.
“When I was five, my father took me on my first run. He told me if I didn’t beat him home he’d make me sleep outside.”
“You’re joking?” I knew he wasn’t, but every single story the cores told me stunned me completely.
Laughing, he said, “I slept outside for a month straight because I lost every single race. After, he told me that the lesson was to never forget that someone better could take everything from you at any given moment.”
“Brutal lesson for a five year old.”
“Especially when he knew I wouldn’t ever beat him.
I still haven’t. Our last run was the day before the shadow ritual.
He beat me by a handful of seconds. My punishment was that I had to walk to the meeting spot on the Sham and Star District border.
Turns out, all of our parents did it to us. They’d planned it.”
Legs aching, I sped up, trying to match his pace as he subconsciously ran faster. When he noticed me coming up on his left, he slowed again, shaking his head.
“Doesn’t matter. He would have found a new way to make me fail. His father did the same. And his father. And his. I would’ve done it too, eventually.”
“You don’t know that,” I argued. Above us, snowflakes fell, landing in my eyelashes as the wind pressed into my skin. “You might have been different.”
“Priya always thought we would be, but I knew better. All of us were going to be the same merciless, hate-filled people our parents were.”
“Well, you aren’t that person now. That’s what matters.”
“Does it?” he asked as the group rounded a corner.
We were far enough to the side that I was confident no one could hear us, but Az still seemed unsure, quieting as he said, “I’ve been thinking about why you don’t believe in us.
And I’m starting to understand that it isn’t what we can become, it’s who we both represent.
I’ll always be a core family member. An oppressor.
A figurehead for purity and death. I don’t know how to come back from that. ”
Stars, he was relentless. He was also right. How did he fight that to be something else? He was doing the work. Unlearning everything he’d been taught and fighting for better. But what did that really mean when his entire family tree was soaked in blood? Would he ever be more than an Altair?
Looking up at him, I knew that I could confidently say he was so, so much more. And maybe if I was brave enough I’d tell him that none of the past mattered. Perhaps if my family were alive and I wasn’t fighting for their memory I’d selfishly pick him.
“All you can do is spend every day proving to the world that you’re more than the name you were born with. Don’t do it for me. Do it for you. For the legacy you want to leave behind.”
The crinkle of his eyes was pained, his lips pursing. We stayed silent for a few seconds, the conversation seemingly over. I tried to focus, but I couldn’t stop staring at him. He was truly so beautiful. A living sculpture made of stone and cracks—carved from violence and pain.
Out of nowhere he smiled and said, “Race you.” Then the snake took off. I gasped, pumping my arms and lengthening my strides until I caught up to him. He laughed as we pushed ourselves faster, quickly overtaking the front half of the group.
Someone yelled at us, but we didn’t care.
We just moved faster. Soon I was smiling too, my side aching and my legs burning.
When Azazel stopped ahead of me, signaling we’d made it to the end, I allowed myself the simple pleasure of barreling into him, taking us both to the ground.
Our laughs were loud and violent, but we couldn’t seem to stop.
“My father would have hated that,” he said between gasps. I rolled to my side, shivering from the cold of the grass against my leathers.
“Good.”