Chapter 12 #2
“Rosalind, there’s something here, something that I can’t explain, but I can’t deny it,” Jane said. “You can’t either, you know it’s true. Rosalind, I think I’m fa—”
“Stop,” Rosalind cut her off. “There’s nothing left to say. I’ve already told you, there’s no future for us, there can’t be. I hate this place. I hate this city and everyone in it.”
“You don’t mean that,” Jane said, shaking her head. This stubborn woman would be the death of her. “You can’t possibly mean that.”
“I do,” Rosalind said with vehemence. “There’s nothing here for me, and I don’t want to start some half-assed relationship that I know to be doomed.”
“Why is it doomed? You haven’t even talked about it, maybe I want the same things you do, have you considered that?” Jane asked.
“You don’t even know what you want,” Rosalind countered. “How are we supposed to make something work when you can’t function for yourself? You’re so busy taking care of everyone and everything else, you don’t even know who you are, and I don’t have time to coach you through it.”
“Wow,” Jane said, anger filling her. “You’re too arrogant to actually allow anyone to think for themselves, what makes you think I would want you to ‘coach’ me?”
“It’s so obvious, Jane,” Rosalind said, though her heart wasn’t in it.
“You said you want to travel, you said you’re envious of my life, you said you wanted so many things, but you’ve never even attempted to try and make it happen.
First, it’s your sister, then it’s your parents, your nieces and nephews, you have a thousand excuses and not an ounce of ambition. ”
“How can you say that? I’m an accomplished trauma surgeon, I’ve helped to establish this hospital as one of the top hospitals for miles around, one of the best in the whole damn country, and I did all that while taking care of my family.
Meanwhile, you flitted from village to village around the world, too scared to stay too long or become attached to anyone or anything, and the rest of the world touts you as a hero, when really you’re just too scared to develop anything real. ”
“How can I possibly try to attach myself to anyone when they can be taken away from me at any second? Even somewhere as safe as this, there’s a constant threat of accidents, sickness, anything. Everything we do is at best a stall for the inevitable,” Rosalind said.
“Yes, everyone eventually dies, Rosalind, but you’re using that as an excuse to avoid living,” Jane snapped.
“And you’re using your ‘responsibility’ as an excuse to avoid doing anything scary,” Rosalind countered.
“At least I can be honest with myself,” Jane said and lifted her chin.
“You just try to lie your way out of it all. If you hide behind your half-truths then you never really have to take any risk,” Jane said.
“I know that it will be awful when I lose the people I love, that’s assuming I don’t go first from some random disease that comes through this hospital, but I can’t imagine how empty my life would be without it.
Grief, loss, it’s all part of loving someone. ”
“You think I don’t know that?” Rosalind asked.
“No, I don’t think you do. I think you have the capacity to love unconditionally; I can see that in your work. You always fight to save the person in front of you, no matter who they are, and that takes love, but you’re too scared to actually open yourself to be loved in return,” Jane said.
“That’s ridiculous,” Rosalind scoffed.
“Maybe you’re right,” Jane said, feeling deflated and exhausted. “We would never work.”
“Now you finally admit it,” Rosalind said and rolled her eyes.
“Because you would never allow it,” Jane shot back.
“What does that mean?”
“You’re over here talking about ‘coaching’ me through whatever, but you would need someone to hold you hand just to convince you that a relationship would be worth it.
Everyone else might think you’re some hero, but I see you for what you really are.
Running scared,” Jane gasped as soon as the words left her mouth.
Rosalind’s eyes widened and she took a step toward Jane, but Jane held her ground lifting her chin in the air.
She refused to take it back. She may have her own issues and fears, but she wasn’t going to let this one slide.
“As soon as you can, you’re going to run away again; everyone knows it, they just dress it up like some calling instead of what it really is. ”
“You have no idea what I’ve been through,” Rosalind growled, coming closer.
Jane’s heart pounded, but she refused to back away.
“You have no idea what I’ve seen. While you’ve been here curating the perfect cocktail and filling out paperwork, I’ve seen what humanity is really capable of, what atrocities we are willing to commit against each other.
So yeah, the thought of becoming attached is frightening, but only because I’ve seen the worst of it.
I’ve seen what happens to people when they’re starving, when they’re fighting for their lives. I’ve lived it!”
“Is that your excuse?” Jane snapped, and Rosalind’s face tightened with rage.
“Do you honestly think I’d be able to just sit here in my comfy home with all my luxurious things while I know what is happening out there?
” Rosalind’s voice broke. “Maybe it’s arrogant, maybe even pedantic, but I don’t see how anyone can just sit around and do nothing.
So you’re right, I run from one place to the next, not because I’m afraid to, but because I have to.
” Tears began to stream down Rosalind’s face.
“I would lose my mind living in comfort like that.”
“Do you think you’re somehow less deserving of it?
” Jane asked, her voice softening. “Don’t get me wrong; we all deserve to live in peace and comfort, and the reality is that many places don’t have that privilege, but that doesn’t mean you can’t either,” Jane said and quickly realized how weak the argument was.
“But that doesn’t matter. I would never, Rosalind, never try to stop you from going out there and trying to do some good.
I would never want you to stay behind like that.
Rosalind, get a clue—I want to come with you! ”
“What?” Rosalind looked as though she’d been slapped.
“You’re right, Rosalind, of course you are, I’ve let my responsibilities here hold me back, but after meeting you, now more than ever I want to go, I want to be out there.
I want to do something that makes a real difference in people's lives,” Jane said, her voice becoming thick.
“Don’t get me wrong; I know I do a lot of good here, too, but if I left there would just be another doctor to take my place.
I am arrogant enough to say that they probably wouldn’t be as good as me, but with Doctor Mars in charge they probably would learn to be.
Rosalind, I’m ready to take that leap, and I—” Jane froze as she realized what she was saying.
“I would love to do that with you.” Jane closed her mouth and fought to keep her hands from trembling.
She couldn’t believe she’d just said all that.
Hell, ten minutes ago she didn’t even know it.
Rosalind took another step toward her and Jane lowered her chin to look into Rosalind’s dark eyes. “Jane, if I said no—”
“I’d go anyway,” Jane said, and she meant it. Suddenly Rosalind’s lips were pressed against hers and her heart felt like it would explode.