Chapter 16 #2
“That’s tough,” Jane said. “I told you I’m falling in love with you, you know that, but we’re new, we’re just getting to know each other. Yet I feel like I’ve known you all my life, if that makes any sense. I don’t have a prescription, but I know I want to be with you, or at least near you.”
“Would you be able to handle my leaving for the military?”
“Why would I have to? Couldn’t I come with you?” Jane asked as she brought the two steaming mugs into the living room and set them on the coffee table.
“Just like that, you’d come with me?” Rosalind asked and leaned forward placing her hands around the mug.
“Well, I mean, we’re talking hypotheticals, here, I’ve told you I wanted to travel, I’ve been stuck here for too long, and with or without you, that’s happening, I’d just prefer it to be with you,” Jane said.
“I don’t want you to give up parts of yourself for me, any more than I want to give myself up for you. I don’t want to change who we are just because we are in a relationship,” Rosalind said.
Jane’s skin prickled in annoyance. “Is that what you think happens in relationships? One person gets to stay the same and the other just has to deal with it?”
“I don’t know,” Rosalind said with a slight chuckle. “That’s all I’ve ever seen—someone gives up everything for the other.”
“Is that what you think your mother did?”
“It seemed that way,” Rosalind said with a shrug.
“Your mother was a mentor to me,” Jane said and narrowed her eyes.
“What do you mean?” Rosalind asked.
“One of the nonprofits she founded was helping girls and young women to find their way in life, to find careers, ways to live on their own, to break the expectations of society,” Jane answered.
“When I was in high school, they helped me to find and prepare for college, and then medical school. I ended up with several scholarships thanks to the organization, and your mother was the one who practiced interviewing with me until I was confident that I would make it into a medical program. In a way, I owe what I am to her,” Jane said.
Rosalind’s eyes widened with each word. “Are you serious?”
“I thought you knew that,” Jane said.
“It’s like my mother had a whole hidden life,” Rosalind said with a mirthless laugh.
“It wasn’t hidden, Rosalind,” Jane said with a scoff, “you were already gone by the time she got it off the ground.”
“Wow, I really am a self-absorbed asshole,” Rosalind said and buried her head in her hands.
“I’m not going to argue with that,” Jane said with a flat expression.
“Thanks,” Rosalind chuckled without humor.
“Look, you were all over the world saving lives, something your mother was immensely proud of,” Jane said.
“She never pushed you to fit into some societal role. This was something she wanted to give to others once you left. I can understand that you wouldn’t really know about it, but it seems like you keep making assumptions about the people around you, even your own mother, and maybe you should just pay attention. ”
Rosalind blinked a few times in response. “You’re right, but I still don’t know how. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I don’t know how to put someone else first.”
“You don’t have to, it’s not about rank, it’s about partnership,” Jane said.
“I don’t know, I just… I think I need more time,” Rosalind said.
“Rosalind, I told you I’m willing to give you time, but you can’t expect me just to wait around for you.”
“I would never ask you to do that,” Rosalind said quickly.
“Of course you wouldn’t,” Jane said. “All the same, I need you to get it figured out. I can’t keep going back and forth like this. I really thought we’d broken through something last night, but instead I find you in here trying to escape again. I can’t keep doing this.”
“I understand,” Rosalind said.
“I don’t think you do, Rosalind,” Jane said. “I told you I love you; I mean it. I know what I want, but until you can figure it out, maybe we should put all this on hold.”
“What?” Rosalind’s eyes snapped up.
“You keep saying you need time, so I’m giving you time,” Jane said.
The words hurt as they left her, but she knew they both needed this.
“But I can’t just be the person you come to when you’re overwhelmed, I need to know we are on the same page, that we can talk about the future, that you really love me, too.
I’m not just some bit of comfort in a hard time. ”
“I just told you I love you; do you not believe me?”
“I believe you, but I’m not sure you believe yourself,” Jane said. Each word drove a spike deeper in her heart. She wanted more than anything to say that all was forgiven and take Rosalind back to bed with her, but she knew the pain of that would only be greater once it ended.
“Jane, don’t, I—”
“You told me before that I had to live for myself. I’m trying to do that, but I can’t if you keep pulling me back and forth. It’s always hot or cold with you, and I can’t keep up with the whiplash,” Jane said.
“Jane, I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lose you,” Rosalind said.
“You’re not losing me, Rosalind,” Jane whispered, her throat too tight for her voice. “Unless you don’t want to be with me, and you have to figure that out first.”
Rosalind’s phone rang in her pocket. She snatched it out and stared at it for a second. “It’s the hospital, I have to go.”
Jane pressed her lips but didn’t answer.
It was the most difficult thing she had ever done to just watch as Rosalind left her apartment without knowing if she would be back.
Sure, they would see each other at work, at least for another couple of days, but Jane knew she needed this.
She needed the space from Rosalind while she figured out what she needed, what she wanted.
If it wasn’t Jane, then that would hurt, but Jane knew she couldn’t fall back into that habit of bending for her partner.
Rosalind said it herself; she didn’t want to give up who she was for someone else.
The cool night air brushed her skin as Rosalind closed the door behind her.
Her chest constricted. Maybe she would be back, but either way, Jane had learned so much about herself from the little time she’d known Rosalind, and she knew that if she bent on this, it would only make Rosalind lose respect for her.
She found herself just sitting on the sofa, her mind swirling with how uncertain her life was in the moment.
How she could have been at such a high a few hours ago to such a low right now.
Her eyes filled with tears as she looked down at the two mugs on the table.
Jane’s phone started buzzing on the table next to them, she picked it up, and it was Rosalind, but Jane ignored it, she couldn’t yet; she was too vulnerable, to easily swayed to give Rosalind whatever she wanted.
After several excruciating seconds, the phone stopped buzzing.
Jane picked up the mugs and took them to the sink.
After rinsing them, she headed to the shower.
Her phone buzzed again, but this time she didn’t even bother to pick it up, she just turned on the water and slipped out of her robe.