Chapter 12 #2
I shook my head, muttering curses under my breath, but deep down, I felt…lighter. Jerry’s shop, his banter, his constant, easy teasing—it was a reminder that some things were still normal and some things could be endured.
Even if she now existed in that chaos of mine.
“Option one. Be a good boy and fire her.”
The thought of ruining the time she had spent learning and serving made me feel sick. “No, I can’t do that to her. She doesn’t deserve it. Hell, I deserve to be fired. Next?”
“Ya ain’t wrong. Okay, option two is to relocate her. Have the Bishop give her a different spot to learn and clean and whatever.”
I rolled my eyes. “The Bishop is not my friend, Jerry. He hates me, and he wouldn’t do me a favor if I begged. That man lives in his office and is like the godfather around here. I’m not bothering him.”
A silence stretched, and I listened for the tick of the clock on the back wall, imagining the click of my lighter and awaiting the burn for tonight.
Jerry leaned against the counter, slicing through a thick slab of beef, the knife moving like it had a rhythm all its own.
“You know, Jed…” he said, voice softening just enough to make it sound casual.
“There’s one more thing you haven’t thought of.
All this…doing all your priestly things—you ever stop and think it’s kind of mentally exhausting? ”
I froze mid-breath, staring at the block of meat like it was my own guillotine. “What are you—”
He cut me off with a grin. “I mean, think about it. All that discipline, all that…holding yourself back. Never letting yourself feel, never letting yourself…do what a man needs to do once in a while. It’s gotta pile up.”
I swallowed hard, my heart picking up pace. I couldn’t tell Jerry the whole truth. Not that I was a killer, but Jerry did know that I was not a saint.
“I—I can’t. I…it’s not right. I—”
Jerry waved his hand, easy, yet teasing. “Jed, you’re ‘a man of God’ now.”
He let the words linger, slow and deliberate, enough that I felt my throat fill with saliva I refused to swallow.
“But really, you’re not, are you? Not the way everyone thinks. You’re a good man, yeah, but a man, nonetheless. A man has needs.”
I didn’t answer. Because he was right. I wasn’t really a priest, not really. Not the way people thought I was. I’d fooled them all. And the thought of…letting that ruse go, even for something as basic as a woman keeping me warm for a night…it scared me.
There were too many angles, too many ways it could all unravel. The wrong confession, the wrong touch, the wrong slip…and it’d be more than my pride.
It could destroy me.
Jerry’s grin softened, though the amusement never left his eyes.
“Jed, I’m just saying…a man’s gotta blow off steam sometimes.
You’re human. You’re wound too damn tight anyhow.
And from the look on your face, I’d say the steam’s building like a pressure cooker right now.
If you don’t find a means to release some of the smoke, it’s gonna burn someone. ”
I ground my jaw, gripping the counter. “I…I can’t. Not yet. If I…If I slip up and don’t follow my vows…if I lose myself…I…”
“You think it’ll hurt you? Expose you?” Jerry’s tone was gentle now, but the teasing edge lingered like smoke. “Maybe. Or maybe it’s just fear talking now. I am the only one who knows, and I’d die on that cross in your church before I ever hurt one of my own.”
“You’re family, Jed. There’s nothing you can do to make me revoke that.
You may not have my dog tags, but you fought and won your own wars, brother.
I know I don’t know it all, and I don’t need to.
I’ve seen your scars and your big fancy tattoo, I know the pain in your eyes and that guilt you carry like a ghost. I don’t need to know what happened to know I don’t care.
I’m here for you. Don’t let fear of letting yourself feel something real for once in so long deter you.
Don’t fear something simple. It’s a woman.
I can ask Dawn to get one of her friends to be quiet and meet us at the clothing store tomorrow, okay?
That’s all it is, Jed. A woman. A warm bed. You’re safe to feel, ya hear me?”
I looked away, my jaw tight and stomach twisted at his kind words of truth. “It’s… not that simple, Jerry. I wish I could. I really do. I don’t want to get you or Dawn in trouble. My guilt isn’t the ghosts I carry. It’s the demons in my past that haunt me. And they aren’t dead.”
Jerry laughed softly, a low chuckle that somehow made me feel more human in the tender moment.
“We all got demons. Stop wearing yours on your back. Trust me, okay… every man—no matter how holy he thinks he is—needs that release. Otherwise, all that discipline and your fancy collar will end up choking you to death.”
I clenched my fists, swallowing hard.
He’s right.
He’s always right.
But admitting it aloud?
Letting it happen?
That was dangerous. More dangerous than anything I’d faced in a New York street alley or in some gang shootout. There was control to be maintained, a ruse to uphold.
Dawn may have some mindless woman who would happily fuck me, but would she really stay quiet with that much power?
Hell, my body screamed for release, but even though every nerve in me was on fire from her presence, I couldn’t just…let go.
Could I?
“Maybe,” I muttered finally, my voice low. “Maybe someday.”
Jerry’s grin widened, his teeth flashing.
“Someday, Jed, is Friday evening. You can shake her hand and wish her a good night if you want to, but allow yourself to meet with her at least.” He gestured to the knives and the meat—all the daily grind of his life.
“You’ve got me to vent to in the meantime.
And that’s better than nothing. Ya know, hearing my old and wise advice. ”
I couldn’t respond.
I could only nod, my heart hammering, and my mind twisting with everything Jerry had said. Fear and desire tangled in a huge knot, while every nerve screamed to break free. All the while, those subtle hints and her sparkling eyes glittered in my mind like a diamond.
It was painful, and Jerry…he’d seen it.
The way I clenched my jaw, and the way my hands itched for release just to breathe. He didn’t need to say it outright. He knew I’d be at that damn bar on the weekend.
He knew it.
And I fucking knew it, too.