Chapter 17
Blood. So much blood.
“You’re doing fine, Sayuri,” my only friend in hell said softly. Her voice was a tether in the chaos. “I’ve got you. Just breathe.”
I gritted my teeth and shook my head.
“I…I can’t. Not this time. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. Why is this happening to me?” My words came out strangled, each one soaked with the terror I had pushed away for all these months.
I didn’t know if I was even alive, or if I wanted to be.
“One last push, and it’ll be over. You can do this!”
I looked at the ceiling and decided that whatever was left of my life, the soul inside me didn’t deserve to die. I ground my teeth and pushed with all my might. More and more blood with the sensation of absolute fire consuming me.
“Sayuri! You did it!”
“Is…is it alive?”
Marjorie gave me a soft smile before holding up the ball of bloody fabric with a small figure inside. I studied the blond hair and the facial features. This tiny thing didn’t look like the monsters that forced themselves on me.
And which male ‘demon’ would call himself the father?
The single most strange sound that flipped my entire world and shattered every pretense I had filled the air, jarring me from my thoughts of that night.
My baby’s cry.
“It’s a little boy, Sayuri. You have a son.”
A son.
I was…a mother.
I knew the entire gestation period that my stomach was growing. I knew some small hands and feet were beating me from the inside out. I knew that drinking orange juice made the little one do rolls inside my belly, and that the baby hated sushi despite how often I tried to choke it down.
I told myself not to care all of those times. Not to get attached to something I couldn’t keep. Not to give my captors another reason to torture me.
They wanted what grew in my womb. They wanted their heir to The Crimson Carrion’s name with Jayce gone and unable to lead.
Kaito didn’t have blond hair, and neither did Jayce. How was I to know which tormentor bred me?
The little thing stared at me with kind, sweet eyes so trusting and small. I expected to see a replica of the monsters who used and abused me.
But I didn’t. I just saw…my son. He barely had any of my features, dominated by the white genes, but some of me shone through.
Kaito was away on business. He and the gang, except for one male, had not bothered to attend the birth. They said I was weak and that I wouldn’t cause trouble. Marjorie was a midwife hired specifically to attend to the baby’s health.
Not me.
Despite her orders, Marjorie and I had gotten close. She was the one person I looked forward to seeing, and now with her handing me her son, I felt even closer to her. I was so broken.
My body had only healed enough to deliver this baby. He was an anchor to avoid the constant abuse I always endured. It was a miracle I remained pregnant from the constant destruction they put me through.
I was raped daily, Kaito claiming he needed to “Keep our bloodline inside me for the future.”
But was it Kaito’s son? He had to believe it was.
I couldn’t stand him.
I couldn’t stand any of them.
I have always intended to kill myself the moment this little soul was free of being tied to me.
But…now.
The room smelled faintly of herbs and old cloth with the thick scent of blood. I was weak, and the candlelight mockingly flickered against the walls, creating shadows that danced like restless ghosts.
My back pressed against the mattress, and I held the fussy little baby in my arms.
Marjorie reached out, brushing damp strands of his hair from his forehead. “Shh, it’s okay, little one. Give your mama a break. She worked hard.”
I laughed bitterly.
“There are no breaks unless they are my bone.” My hand flicked under the pillow, my fingers brushing the cold steel of the knife I had hidden there.
Soon. I thought. Soon I will be truly free.
Marjorie noticed that I wouldn’t stare too long at the baby, and she sighed.
“Sayuri…are you okay? They aren’t here. You can enjoy your miracle.” Her voice cracked, and I wonder if she knew my intentions.
She always knew when I was lying about something or hiding snacks.
We had shared that understanding, born from years of captivity and of pain. We knew what it meant to be helpless in a world built to destroy us.
Marjorie was my only friend, yet her life was ruined because of me. She was forced to live this way because they needed her to help me give birth to this baby. We were all just tools. They would kill her.
Maybe she knew her time was slim now.
“I can’t,” I said, shaking, my tears streaming down my cheeks. “I…I can’t live in this hell anymore. I can’t be responsible for creating a monster.”
Marjorie’s hand tightened around mine. “Look at him, Sayuri.”
I didn’t.
“Look at your son.”
Hesitantly, I obeyed, and the brightest blues stared up at me. He didn’t look like a monster. He looked…peaceful.
I wanted to scream at her, to tell her she didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. Our lives were all unfair. And this new life here was no less a prisoner. He might not be a monster now, but he would become one.
I gripped him in my arms, slick and fragile, and my breath caught. He was so small. So perfect and nothing like I ever imagined. I expected to look at dark eyes, see a mirror of my abusers.
But he was not like them. He looked so vastly different than their cruelty. His eyes opened again, blinking and searching, startling blue against pale blond hair.
His little voice was strong, no more tears but coos. The soft sound broke me. For the first time, I wanted nothing but to protect him, though I didn’t know how.
Marjorie leaned close, brushing my damp hair from my face. “See? He’s already fighting, just like you. You’ve got him now. He can be the something you need to live for.”
She was right. I couldn’t die and leave him to become what I feared most.
I pressed my lips to the crown of his head, tears dripping into the soft hair. “I…I can’t. I can’t survive like this,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I…I should end it.”
Marjorie’s face paled, fear flaring in her eyes, but she held my gaze. “You could. You could die and let them win. But then, who protects him? You’re the only one who can. We both know I’ll be gone soon.”
I shook my head violently, gripping the knife and cradling it near my throat. “I don’t know if I can. How can I help him? How can I do anything?”
She took my hand and placed it over mine on the steel.
“Let go of the fear. Let your son give you a reason to fight again. You’re not weak, Sayuri.
You’re everything he has and his only chance ever to be free.
Don’t waste that knife on yourself. Use it…
for me. Don’t let me die by their hand. I just want to go in peace.
I’m not like you. I am not strong. Please. ”
The words pierced me, and I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to disappear into nothing. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave my son helpless and my friend awaiting a horrific end.
But…I’m not a murderer. What does that make me?
I held my baby tighter, feeling his heartbeat, the tiny rise and fall of his chest against mine.
“Jujiro,” I said…my crossroads…my reason to survive.
The name came without thought, almost like a prayer.
“Jujiro,” I whispered again. “You will be free. You are my light.”
Marjorie nodded, her eyes glimmering. “What a beautiful name. He’ll need you, Sayuri. And you’ll need him. This isn’t much, but it can get you out of the city.”
I swallowed, trembling, the knife pressing against my palm when she brought me an envelope.
“I…I can’t take him with me, can I? Not now. They’ll hurt him.”
Her smile faded, and tears slipped free. “Sayuri…I’m so sorry. You were always my friend.”
“I have to find a way,” I whispered, more to myself than her. “I have to survive…so I can find a way for him to be free. I…I can’t let the gang take him. I can’t let Kaito…I can’t let any of this destroy my son.”
Marjorie’s eyes softened, filled with sorrow and understanding. “You have my blessing, even if I can’t see it happen.”
I nodded, the tears blinding me, and made the only choice left I could possibly give my dear friend.
I put Jujiro’s sleeping form into the bassinet given to me and stepped away from him with a soft kiss.
“I will be back for you, my sweet light in this dark world. I will be your star, always pointing where you belong.”
Marjorie gave Jujiro a kiss and whispered to him before helping me up and getting me dressed as best she could.
She walked me to the front door, where a guard was right out front. I looked down at the knife and swallowed.
“You can find a way to be free, too, Marjorie. You can escape with me—”
Marjorie shook her head. “No. Sayuri, they have to think you escaped, and I tried to stop you. They have to believe you tried to take the baby. They will keep him alive to spite you. You have to get a nest egg and come back for him when you are ready, when it’s safe.
Don’t you dare get yourself caught because of me. I’m dead anyway. We both know that.”
No…
“I…I can’t, Marjorie…”
Tears flowed down her cheeks as she raised my dagger hand and placed it at her heart. “Please, Sayuri. I watched them kill my sister already. I watched them eviserate and defile her corpse. Don’t let them do that to me. I’m begging you.”
She was right. God save my soul, she was right.
The guard would see her. He would raise the alarm and call for Kaito to return, and Jujiro would be safe.
I swallowed hard, slowly nodding and leaning forward to kiss my friend on the forehead.
“Kimi no tamashii wa eien da.” Your soul is eternal.
My hands shook violently, and with a single motion, I ended her life in a final slash of the dagger. Marjorie’s eyes widened in pain and bittersweet relief. A soft gasp left her lips before silence swallowed her.
“Be…free…for both of…us.”
“I promise,” I whispered, tears streaming freely down my face as she slowly fell down the wall. “I will find a way…I will survive…for us.”
The guard on the other side of the door was trying to open it, and I could hear his grunts as he tried to push past her body.
“What the fuck?”
I gave one last look at the room where my sleeping son lay, then ran. Shadows and danger pressed in from every side, but I ran with everything I had left to give. The streets were cruel, the world outside waiting to devour me, but I had a reason to keep going.
My crossroads.
My impossible, fragile reason to keep living.
For him.
Even as my heart broke from leaving the only person I had trusted behind, even as grief threatened to consume me from what Marjorie had me do, I held onto that promise like a lifeline. I would survive. I had to for Jujiro.
For us.