Chapter 36
Icouldn’t face Sayuri right now.
I couldn’t look her in her big, beautiful dark eyes and tell her that I had failed.
Not only was Bishop Matthews onto my affection for her, but now she was in real danger of losing her job as an acolyte for the church because of me.
It would be even harder for her to prove her stability and get her child back from Kaito.
You fucked up, Jed. Big time.
There was no going back from this. Add in the fact that you defiled her in the woods, and your rap sheet is nearing hell itself.
“Eyyy. It’s mother fucker! How you doin’, my man?”
I barely responded to the bouncer at the Barrel. I couldn’t fucking think. I needed vodka, lots and lots of fucking vodka.
“Hey, man. I’m fine.”
Fine.
The four-letter word that meant anything but…The bass in the club pounded like a second heartbeat the minute I walked through, but unlike the other times here, I felt more comfortable.
I belonged to this world, the loud, gritty, cigarette-and-cheap-perfume-filled slime. I could put on a fancy robe, speak eloquently, but I’d never be able to remove the brand that marked my soul.
I was and would always be Black Onyx, running, hiding, and refusing to acknowledge my mark didn’t mean it wasn’t there.
I had to stop dragging Sayuri into my world. She deserved to be free, and I was going to get her killed.
I plopped on the bar and raised my hand at the bartender. He didn’t want to see my ass on his bar stool, but he still walked over.
“What you want, Mafia man? I don’t want trouble. Last time you were here, I got fucking clocked for no reason, and you left your little posse in the back of the club. You shouldn’t be here, ya know? I should throw your ass out.”
I tilted my head and winked at him. “You gonna be the one to throw me out, Billy? Careful, I’m ticklish.”
He met my stare, and whatever he saw must have been more unstable than even I felt because he shook his head and poured me a straight shot.
“Good man,” I mumbled, cheering him with the glass and throwing it back.
“Another.”
This routine was a non-stop six shots deep, and I began to feel the slow buzz drifting through my blood. Or maybe it was my liver trying to claw its way out of my stomach.
You shouldn’t be here.
Fuck off.
I wasn’t letting the demons win tonight. The more shots I took, the less audible the whiny voice became.
“You gotta smoke?” I said, running the back of my hand over the nearby dancer.
“For you, baby? Always.”
I lit the cancer stick and inhaled so deeply I felt like my lungs would shrivel up and die. My coughing fit was embarrassing to say the least, but no one dared say anything.
Sweat.
Perfume.
Vodka.
The exact kind of place my old life thrived in, but the same place I swore I’d never step into again. Much less this damn bar. I knocked a man unconscious, and most, if not all, the patrons made quick work of recognizing my tattoos and the brand on the back of my neck to know exactly who I was.
It was funny. I used to be afraid to come here because I worried about someone finding out I was a priest.
But now?
They knew the real me, and if I was allowed one fucking place to let down the mask, I had to take it.
I was a fucking priest.
But am I really?
I said the sermons, wore the robes, and so do the clergy. But I was not a holy man. I was a beast.
Sayuri had me right from the start.
ōkami…It meant beast.
I thought if I became a priest, I would save my soul and erase my sins, all the guilt and grief. But grief didn’t give a damn about vows.
The night I ran.
That was the night I found her.
My mom.
I could still see it when I closed my eyes or in my dreams. My mother’s body crumpled on the kitchen tile of our home. Her blood had seeped into the grout because she had been left to rot.
No one looked for my mother. She was nothing but a whore to anyone who knew her. I found her because I was the only one who existed in her world who cared. They left her body for me to find—my warning for running.
You didn’t leave your brotherhood.
“Blood in. Blood buried.”
It didn’t matter that I meant nothing to them, just a stupid mule who pushed drugs on the streets. To them, I was property, and running away was theft. My mother’s death was retribution for being a coward.
Onyx didn’t miss.
They didn’t forgive, and they didn’t leave witnesses unless it was intentional. That begged the question I had asked myself for years.
What purpose did I serve them now?
I swallowed another shot, trying to erase the images of my eviscerated mother with more of that sweet burn. I deserved to burn. Whether that was hell or life, I wasn’t sure.
Probably both.
Who was I kidding? Life was true hell.
If I hadn’t tried to leave my clan after I killed the fucking leader of the Carrion Clan…
If I hadn’t been rash with trying to save a woman and being a hero…
If I hadn’t pissed off the wrong fucking person all of my life…my mom would still be alive. And maybe Sayuri would be safe to choose me. The guilt sat heavy in my lungs, thick as the smoke I inhaled into them. I was drowning in the poison, unable to breathe, with her face haunting me.
None of it mattered anymore. She’d gone cold so long ago. The Onyx weren’t hunting me.
I was safe now…
Right?
Delusion and stupid.
Great look on you, Father.
Even thinking my title made me sick.
Fuck. Not just mentally ill.
Physically as well.
“I’m gonna—”
“Not in my bar you ain’t! Go outside, mobster!”
I barely made it, my body propelled from the back door, and vomit spewed from my mouth onto the ground.
I felt so strange, not just drunk but…numb.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I had too much to drink, and I needed to get a taxi. I looked for a payphone, but my vision was so blurry I had to sit down.
When I tried to steady myself, I fell flat on my ass.
“Well, if it isn’t the big bad Black Onyx Clan. You’re all by your lonesome, pup. Where’s your pack?”
My skin prickled, but when I tried to speak, it came out as a slurred mumble at best.
“Aw, guess that powder is some good shit.”
Powder?
I didn’t see them at first.
Two shadows slid around the corner of the alley and circled me. It was too dark, and the light from the door above was blinding me, making the distance in the dark and the figures harder to focus on.
Old instincts whispered before my brain caught up.
Run.
I tried to stand and fell back onto my ass.
Fight.
Too late.
A hand clamped down on my shoulder from behind me, the three of them fanning out and cornering me against the concrete wall. Another meaty palm shoved me hard into the brick, and my shitty focus blurred even further.
I briefly felt blood drip down my forehead, the warm liquid falling into my eye. The music inside swallowed the sound of my grunt.
“Kaito sends his regards,” one of them said into my ear, lovingly caressing my hair.
Ice slid down my spine when I realized I couldn’t move. They dragged me away from the light, pulling me deeper into the night. The air was sharp, cutting through the alcohol haze and whatever drug was in my system.
Fucking, Billy.
I fought as much as I could, but my meaningless flailing did nothing but egg on their laughter.
“Damn, I was hopin’ he had on his fancy robes.”
I tried again to pull away from their damning grip, but grief made you slow, alcohol made you sloppy, and when you added in the damn drug….
Two against an impaired one isn’t a fight—it was a sentence. A fist connected with my ribs, and I felt something crack. My vision flashed white, and I cried out.
“Don’t worry, Father. We’re priming you. Kaito is finishing up a gift for your girlfriend.”
What? No…Sayuri.
They slammed me against a brick, and my head snapped forward, more blood blinding me. My cheek scraped the rough stone, and the taste of blood exploded in my mouth.
“You thought you could fool us?” another voice sneered in front of me. “Thought you could hide behind your collar forever? How cute. But Father, see here’s the thing. You can’t run forever. We were gonna find you after you tried takin’ what’s ours. Right, Darius?”
What’s theirs?
The first guy laughed, and I felt my sweater rip under his grip. It didn’t simply come off like in the fucking movies.
It yanked me forward, knocking me backward and forward as the strands tore slowly.
My body was a fucking ragdoll, and my ability to see was all but gone.
Losing my sight and having no choice but to focus on the other senses made things worse.
Hearing.
Laughter, so much fucking laughter, it made my head throb. Jeering insults about my body and that fatal sound of ripping fabric.
Smell.
Alcohol and foul, stale breath. Too masculine and too close.
Taste.
Blood. Nothing but thick copper filling my mouth.
And touch…
The goons grabbed my hands, forcing me to touch them. They were aroused, and what I first thought was going to be a hellish beating quickly turned into a sickening realization.
‘They’re…going to rape me.’
I tried to fight their hands harder, begging the drugs to leave my system, but the lull was stronger the harder I fought against their holds.
“Ain’t this gay, Darius?”
“No, you fuckin moron. Its power. We’re showin’ him a lesson.”
It was like I was underwater.
I could hear their voices, but everything was becoming a numbing hum in my ears.
No. focus.
“Got him nice and prepped for me, boys?”
No…
That voice I recognized instantly, and my stomach flipped.
Kaito.
“Yep. All yours, boss. You can use the blood, there’s so much of it.”
“No worries. Just patch him up. Sayuri has survived worse. He should thank me for showing him a piece of his fuck buddy that’s actually the truth.”
The…truth?
“You hear that, fuck stick? Your woman is my bitch. Not yours. Her body has felt this thick dick for years.”
I wanted to vomit, and the urge made me shake, a violent response I couldn’t stop.
“Whoa! Is he siezin?”
“Who cares. Flip him over and hold him down. “
My hearing was gone. The water was pulling me down further and further.
No! Focus! What can I still feel? Remember the sense.
Don’t give up.
Focus!
Sight.
Nothing.
Hearing.
Nothing.
Taste.
Blood. Still blood, and…skin.
Touch.
I didn’t want to focus anymore. It was too much. I could feel myself being pushed forward and yanked back—the sensation of fullness and a numbing burn that consumed my entire body.
No…
I spat at the ground, using anything I could to get away from them. They hit me again and again. I felt it all. Big boots smashing my ribs, and fists jerking my body that was…responsive.
Is this not hell enough?
They wanted more than my pain. They wanted to break me, humiliate, and ruin me.
The violence turned darker, and I tried to focus on anything but their hands.
Vomit. Blood. Piss.
And…come.
My mind left my body, slipping somewhere quieter than here.
Somewhere safe.
The bass from the club thudded faintly through the night like a heartbeat I wasn’t part of anymore.
When they were done, Kaito leaned close.
“Guess you should have prayed harder,” he whispered.
They left me there.
Broken. Bleeding. But somehow still breathing.
I didn’t know how long I stayed on that pavement, long enough for the cold to sink into my bones and the numbness to take over, long enough for something inside me to accept this fate as deserved.
They didn’t just hurt me.
They branded me…as sure as my fucking clan marking.
I dragged myself up the brick wall and staggered into the night, one thing settled clear and sharp in my skull: For Kaito, this wasn’t about power.
He was sending a message.
I finally understood.
You can’t run from your sins. You either belong to them, or the consequences bury you.
I tried to focus one last time, but everything left me.
I couldn’t see anything. There was only silence, and the blood blended to a burning numbness.
Was I even alive anymore?
My body was moving, but I no longer felt attached to it.
Why?
God couldn’t be real if this were happening to me.
There was no god, only the devil.
And…
I was in his grasp.