Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
After a few minutes in the truck, Duke glanced at her. “I hope you don’t think you ruined anything. You didn’t.”
The fact that she wasn’t part of the community made her stand out. They could’ve had help if she hadn’t been there. “You believe what you want to.”
“Ferd. Don’t do that. You only lived in Piper’s Ridge for a few years before going on to Cody.
I’m sure whatever resource they used to research the town and who was here didn’t even know you ever were.
We still managed to figure out a lot without them.
In fact, we’re doing better because they risked their cover for us. ”
“Whatever. I’m not going to whine about not fitting in. Not like it helps. It just makes people even less likely to ever let you into their fold.” She looked out the window as the trees whizzed by and blinked rapidly. Don’t you dare cry now.
“I’m not a psychologist, but it is interesting that you’re always looking for home, even to the point of hunting for your dad. Have you always felt this way?”
She took a deep long breath and let it out. “Please. I have two psychologists helping me already. Can you just be a friend and not try to fix me?”
“Friend it is.” He drove on in silence for a while. “Want to come with to drop off the can at the lab, or is there anything else you want to do?”
“No. I’m tired. Can you drop me off at home? I know we won’t have results from the lab until after I’m gone anyway.” That had to be the reason for her funk. Between knowing she’d never finish the case and being called an outsider yet again, impostor syndrome left a huge hole in her chest.
“If that happens, do you want me to let you know how the case is going?” He turned the truck toward Wayside.
“Sure.” She paused and swallowed hard. “Wish I could add it to my resume. It’s pretty short at the moment. I’ll buy myself takeout and raise a glass of water to celebrate.”
“You sound lonely.”
“Psychologist . . .”
Duke sighed. “If no one else points it out, then I will.”
She closed her eyes. Duke was a friend. She could tell him, right?
He would absolutely never tell Connor. “It’s not just the job back in Cody that’s an issue.
My ex is there. While he wasn’t abusive in the traditional sense, he had to be the center of attention.
Often at my expense. When I fought back against that role, he tried to drown me. ”
“Ferd, wait . . . When you say ‘there’ do you mean Cody or your job?” He gripped the wheel tightly.
“Both,” she choked out the word. Why did talking about him make her throat feel swollen shut?
“If he says or does anything, report it.”
She moderated her voice so she wouldn’t sound terrified.
“He’s already convinced everyone that I’m the one who’s seeking attention.
In fact, he’s probably the reason I have to come back and prove I’m actually taking measures to heal.
If he found out I was helping you, he’d twist that and I’d be fired.
They don’t know that I’m running all over.
But I am being more careful than is possible back there. ”
Duke stopped the truck in the Wayside parking area then looked at her.
“Pray about your next step. Don’t feel pushed into a corner.
God doesn’t ever paint Himself into one.
He knows what your future looks like. If that’s here with your family who absolutely cares about you, great.
If it’s back there, facing the fire of a manipulative ex, then He’ll give you the guidance and the strength. ”
“Thanks, Duke.”
“That’ll be twenty-five hundred dollars.” He grinned.
She had to laugh as she climbed out of the truck, then waved as Duke drove off. Lacy opened the front door and waved at Duke. “Good to see you. We were just about to sit down to supper. Come on in and join us.”
She followed Lacy into the large dining hall. Since Wayside was a healing center for human trafficking victims, this large room fed everyone in the most efficient way. A few tables were full of people Ferd didn’t know. They kept way off to themselves.
The noise level throbbed in her ears. Four children, all under the age of five, raced around the tables as they played tag.
All eight of the guys who ran Wayside sat at a long table near a large stone fireplace.
Their wives sat dispersed around the table, some next to their husbands, some in pairs with seats next to them waiting for the children to come back to the table.
Dennis, Junior’s son, launched himself into her arms and she caught him, a little startled by the impact. “You staying for supper, Miss Ferdie?” She looked past him at the crowded table.
There’s no room for me there.
“I . . . don’t know.” How to answer him? She watched the laughter, the chatter, the smiles. No one seemed left out. Even Anna, who wasn’t actually part of the Wayside family, sat on one end.
“Ferd! You’re here!” Anna shot up from her chair and waved her over. “Come, sit by me.” She dashed to a nearby table and wedged the seat in next to her own. “Victoria has outdone herself tonight. The pot roast will make your taste buds cry with joy.”
Connor laughed next to her. “My tastebuds don’t cry.”
“So you say,” she shot back.
Ferd gave Dennis a peck on the cheek and set him free, then headed for the line and got a little food, though her stomach didn’t want to eat. When she joined the table, they’d stop talking. She would be the outsider, the one no one felt comfortable being around, so they couldn’t be themselves.
She set her tray next to Anna and sat down.
Instead of silence, all the children seemed to sense it was time for them to eat, and they yanked back chairs, filling the room with the scraping sound of wood on wood.
The mothers at the table turned their focus on their children, and the men kept talking about horses, dogs, and a wolf they’d seen walking around the fences.
This was it. She wanted to feel this kind of friendship and camaraderie from someone. Was she likely to get it? At her age, people had usually already found the groups they would spend their lives with, the people they would grow old with.
“Ferd? You okay?” Anna nudged her. “You haven’t eaten a thing.”
She frowned as her eyes burned with tears she would not shed. “Just a lot on my mind. That’s all.”
Connor looked over at her, and the conversation he’d been a part of abruptly shifted to something else. “Do you need me to drive you back to Cody? I wouldn’t mind doing it for you?”
Really? “I can’t guarantee you wouldn’t be leaving me there. They may want me to stay.”
Chatter around the table silenced as they focused on her. Ferd shifted in her seat and tried to look at every face so she wouldn’t miss if anyone tried speaking to her.
Connor said, “Whether they want you to stay or not. This is your home, and you’re welcome here. I don’t want you to stress about this.”
If only his words could stop it.