1. Alina
ONE
ALINA
ELEVEN YEARS OLD
I love dancing.
Always have and always will. Been in classes since I was four years old. Daddy likes to joke and say I’ll dance my way into the worst kind of trouble, but I think that’s a load of bull. Why would I want to get in trouble? I’m eleven now, way too big to be sitting in a time-out chair. It’s just my favorite thing to do in the whole world and it’s the only time I really feel free .
My older brother, Eli, will tell you I’ve got two left feet, but don’t believe him. He just gets annoyed Mama lets me pick the music when she sends us outside to play.
I pick a new station on the radio and smile big, tapping my foot against the sidewalk.
“Lame,” my brother huffs, shooting his basketball into the hoop. “Change it, Lee. You know I can’t stand country.”
My honey-blond hair tangles behind me as I spin to face Eli. I stick my tongue out at him and tell him to shove it where the sun don’t shine before I turn to face our house. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s all I’ve ever known as home. A three-bed, two-bath, one-story right smack in the middle of Sugarlake, Tennessee, with white siding, blue shutters, and the prettiest tulips you’ll ever see. I love picking them when they bloom in the spring, but Mama gets mad when I do because tulips are “a labor of love,” so instead I just come out front and stare at them every chance I get.
Eli bounces the ball between his legs and groans, bringing my attention back to him. “Seriously. I can’t practice my free throws to this shit.”
I roll my eyes at his potty mouth. He thinks he’s so big and bad because he’s fourteen now, and he loves to curse every chance he gets.
“Don’t let Mama hear you talk like that or she’ll wash your mouth out with soap again.” I stick my finger between my lips, making a loud gagging noise.
I’ve never had it done to me, but watching Eli go through it is enough to make me never want to speak a bad word ever .
He stops dribbling and runs his hand through his honey-blond hair, shaking his head. “Yeah, Miss Alina May, never doing a bad thing in her life. Why don’t you leave me alone and go introduce yourself to the new neighbors?” He gestures to the house three doors down where there’s a big moving truck in the driveway and a girl playing on the front lawn.
I put my hands on my hips and strain my eyes trying to see better. It’s not the worst idea Eli’s ever had.
The girl’s smaller than me and hula-hooping away without a care in the world, her blackish hair swishing against her porcelain shoulders with every swing of her hips. She looks friendly enough, and since my best friend, Becca, is out of town for the summer at church camp, I really have nothing better to do than make a new friend.
“Okay, I will.” I make my way across the lawn before spinning around and pointing my finger at him. “But not ’cause you told me to, Eli. I’m doin’ it ’cause she looks nice.”
He smirks and tosses the basket into the hoop again.
I’m almost to her house when a boy walks out of the front door and slams it behind him. I stop in my tracks and watch with wide eyes as he turns and flips off the closed door with both middle fingers, and then sits on the front steps and lights up a cigarette.
My brows shoot to my hairline.
He doesn’t look that much older than me, definitely not old enough to buy cigarettes, but the way he’s puffing on that smoke so well I imagine he has no trouble getting them whenever he wants. He leans his elbows on his knees when he inhales, and I’m mesmerized as it swirls into the air.
Is he the new girl’s brother?
He has brown-black hair, although his is cut so short I can almost see his scalp, and he isn’t as small, but he is kind of gangly looking.
It’s only when he turns his head and stares straight at me that I realize I’m standing in the middle of our street gawking like a weirdo. My cheeks heat, so I quickly look down and start walking again.
No sense in turning back now, that would be even weirder.
The girl sees me as I get to the edge of their front yard, the Hula-Hoop falling down her body and a huge smile splitting across her face. She bounds over like a fairy flittering from tree to tree.
Dang, this girl is bouncy.
“Hi!” she squeals. “I’m Lily, what’s your name?”
I open my mouth to answer but she keeps talking, so it’s hard to get a word out.
“I’ve been so worried about not making any friends, but then here you are, and oh!” She pops up on her tiptoes, her nose almost brushing mine. “Your eyes must be the bluest things I’ve ever seen.”
I stuff my hands in the pockets of my jean shorts and stare back at this girl who I think might be a little wacky.
I’m fixing to kill Eli for suggesting I come over here.
“Thanks,” I reply.
I look behind her to where the boy is watching us, stone-faced.
Eli calls expressions like that “resting asshole face.” I don’t know if this kid is an asshole, but he sure doesn’t seem happy to see me. I shift my focus back to Lily.
“How do you talk like that?” I ask. “Just goin’ and goin’ for so long without havin’ to breathe?”
Immediately, I want to take my words back. Daddy says I have no filter, but I’ve always thought saying what’s on my mind is the most honest thing I can do, and if I’m nothing else, I always want to be honest. I hate liars.
Guilt hits my chest when her smile drops, and I’m worried I hurt her feelings, but then she throws back her head and laughs, and I’m so relieved I join her.
She links her arm with mine and pulls me farther into the yard.
For such a small thing, she’s awful strong.
“Just have a lot of energy, I guess.” She pats my arm with her sparkly pink fingernails. “My mom used to tell me I had enough energy to light up all of Chicago.”
“I think I believe her.” My eyes are wide as I grin. “I’m Alina May Carson, by the way, but my friends call me Lee. I live three houses down that way.”
Lily brings her hand up to cover her eyes from the sun while she looks toward where I point. “That your brother?”
“Yep, that’s Eli.” I glance at the boy on the steps again. “Does he like basketball? Eli never lets me play, he says basketball’s not meant for girls, but he’d probably let another boy practice with him.”
Lily scrunches her nose, twisting to look at the kid on the steps. “Oh, that’s my brother, Chase. He doesn’t like much of anything really unless it involves making our foster parents mad.”
“Oh.”
I’m not sure what a foster parent is, but I don’t want to seem stupid, so I nod like I get it.
“Chase!” she yells. “Come here and meet Lee.”
My stomach buzzes like a hive of bees as Chase crushes his cigarette beneath his worn black boot and stands, walking over to us. He doesn’t stop until he’s right in front of me, my eyes level with his chin.
When he’s this close, I can see the scar running through his left eyebrow, and for some reason, there’s an urge to reach up and trace it. My fingers curl into the palms of my hands to keep myself from actually doing it because that would be really weird.
There’s something about this boy.
He hasn’t said a word yet, and I’m already dying to know him.
“Smokin’ kills, you know,” I blurt.
His mouth twitches. “No shit?”
“Yep.” I pop the p . “I’m a big believer in lettin’ people know how I feel about things. You might as well get used to it since we’re neighbors and all.”
He runs his tongue over his teeth. “Yeah? And how are you feeling right now? You feeling good?”
“A little too hot, if I’m honest.” I fan my face so he knows how serious I am. It is warm just standing here under the summer sun.
He chuckles and dimples mark his cheeks. “How old are you anyway, Goldilocks?”
I scrunch my nose. “I’m eleven and my name is Alina, not Goldilocks. Ah-lee-nuh. But if you start being a little nicer, you can call me Lee.”
“Sure thing, Goldi.” He tugs on a strand of my hair, then brushes past me.
My chest pulls tight because doesn’t he listen ? “Whatever, Boy Scout!” I yell at him. If he can make up a dumb nickname on the spot, so can I.
“You’re the same age as me!” Lily pipes in, pulling on my arm again.
I had almost forgotten she was there.
“This is so cool,” she continues. “We’ll be in the same grade and everything. Have you lived here your whole life?”
“Born and raised.”
“Lucky. I think it’s the prettiest place I’ve ever seen.” She sighs.
I smile, but my eyes move past her, hoping to catch another glimpse of her brother walking down the street.
Lily’s gaze follows mine and she tugs on my arm again. “Don’t worry about him. He’s thirteen, and in middle school, so we won’t have to worry about him being a jerk every day. You want to come inside?”
My stomach flutters because I don’t know how to tell her I wasn’t worried about him being a jerk, so I just nod instead and let her drag me into her house. But before we walk inside, I look back one more time in Chase’s direction.
He has sad eyes and I feel like maybe he needs someone to make him smile.
I can be that someone.
Happy with my decision, I dance my way through the front door and into Lily’s and Chase’s lives.
Daddy did always tell me I would dance straight into trouble.
Summer turns into fall, bleeding into winter, and before I know it, the springtime flowers are blooming.
When Becca got back from church camp last summer—which she swears traumatized her for life—Lily and her got along instantly, bonding over their love of fashion and their heartbreak over the current “it” couple that broke up. I’ll be honest, I was nervous about the two of them hitting it off, but Becca guzzles up attention like grass soaks up morning dew, so once Lily gushed over her curly red hair and emerald eyes, I knew everything would be just fine.
Right now, it’s Wednesday after school—the only day Becca can’t hang out because she has to go to church where her daddy preaches.
Lily and I are lying in the grass eating cherry Popsicles, the spring sun soaking into our skin. If I try hard enough, I can almost pretend it’s summer.
A shadow comes over me and I shield my eyes to see who it is.
“Looking a little pink right…here, Goldi.” Chase leans down and pushes his index finger into my cheek.
I prop myself up on my elbows and beam at him like a fool. “Hey, Boy Scout.”
We joke around when we see each other, but that’s about as far as it goes, and the fact he keeps me so far away bothers me something fierce. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to be my friend, but it is what it is, I guess. I’ve tried for months to get him to open up, but he’s a brick wall and nothing but a wrecking ball will get through. Still, whenever he’s near, my body hums and I crave his attention in the worst way.
“Want a Popsicle?” I hold out mine, the ice-cold goodness dripping down the stick and onto my hand.
“Nah, I came to get Lily.” He looks to her and she sighs, pushing her bright-pink sunglasses on top of her head.
“Sam and Anna want us to come home, say they have something important to talk about.”
“Something important?” Lily frowns. “You don’t think they’re going to make us leave, do you?”
“No, Lil, I don’t think it’s anything bad.” Chase smiles, but to me, he looks a little nervous.
“Okay, let me go grab my things.” She pops up and dashes inside, leaving Chase and me alone.
He drops onto the grass next to me, his knees bent and elbows perched on top. His happy face is all but gone now.
I don’t know much about the homes they’ve been in before, but I don’t like to bring it up. There aren’t many times Lily shuts up, but you ask about her past and she clams up and looks about as lost as last year’s Easter egg.
“You feeling good today, Goldi?”
“Eh.” I shrug. “This Popsicle’s makin’ my mouth too cold.”
He smiles at my answer and then gets quiet.
“You know,” I whisper, “if you need someone to talk to, I’m always here.”
He scoffs. “You’re a kid. I’m not complaining to you about my issues.”
Annoyance drops in my gut and I shove his arm. “Whatever, Boy Scout. You can act as grown as you want, but you’re a kid, too. Plus, Daddy always tells me I’m an old soul.” I puff my chest out in pride.
Chase snorts and drops back on his elbows, craning his neck to the sky. “Okay, old soul . I’ll tell you what, you just keep being there for Lil, promise not to leave her, and I’ll take care of you both. How’s that?”
“Well, duh. I’ll always be there for Lily. And ’sides…you two are the best thing to happen around here, other than Becca. Where would I go?” I raise my arms and look around. “But I’m your friend, too, not just Lily’s, you hear me?”
“Yeah, I hear you, but I’m good. Promise.”
I frown at him before leaning over, pressing my fingertip to his chest. “You can try to fool the world, sad boy, but you can’t fool me. I see you.”
A crease forms between his brows and he opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, but before he can, Lily rushes out with her book bag hanging from one hand and a Coke in the other.
“Okay! I’m ready.” She swipes the bangs out of her face, smiling as she looks between the two of us.
Chase reaches out and tugs on a lock of my hair before hopping up.
I watch them both disappear down the street, something sitting heavy in the center of my chest.
That feeling is still there while I’m lying in bed trying to fall asleep. My eyes have just gotten heavy and my brain’s stopped buzzing when I hear my window slide open.
My heart slams against my chest and my breath catches in my throat. I had no idea it wasn’t locked, and I’m so terrified someone’s breaking into our house I can’t move. I don’t usually pray when Mama makes me go to church on Sundays, but right now I squeeze my eyes tight and pray to God Almighty that whoever is in my room decides to leave.
“Goldi.”
Chase’s voice calms me down, but now my heart’s beating fast for another reason. The bed dips, and the comforter pulls back before a warm body slides down next to mine.
“Goldi, you awake?” It’s a whisper but I hear it loud and clear.
I twist toward him, my eyes wide. I don’t say anything. I’m still recovering from thinking we were being robbed, so I just blink at him instead. Besides, I’m super nervous he’s here in the first place. Daddy would kill me for having a boy in my room, but there’s no way in heck I’m telling him to leave.
“What are you doin’ here?” I finally force out.
He blows out a breath, grabbing my hand in his, tangling our fingers. “Couldn’t sleep and I needed someone to talk to. Your offer still good?”
Happiness pours through my body like sunshine on a summer day. “Yeah, of course.”
We lie in silence for a long time, both of us staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars covering my ceiling.
“Do you ever look up at the stars and feel small?” he asks.
“What, the ones on my ceilin’?”
“No, the real ones, high in the sky.”
I frown. “I’ve never really thought about it, I guess, but sometimes, I like to stare at the mountains and think about how little I am next to ’em. Is that what you mean?”
“Kinda. I just…sometimes I look at the stars and think about how none of this shit really matters, you know?”
I don’t know, so I stay quiet.
“I think maybe that’s why my mom could leave me so easily,” he continues, his voice catching on the words.
My chest aches. “Because you’re smaller than the stars?”
“Because to her, I didn’t really matter.”
I don’t say anything right away. I just try to imagine what it would be like to not have a mama who loves you like it’s the most important thing she’ll ever do. I decide right then that I hate her, wherever she is, for making him feel anything less than what he deserves to be.
“You matter to me,” I declare.
He swallows, the sound thick. “You matter to me, too. Promise you’ll never leave?”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
I squeeze his hand tight and my stomach flips when he squeezes back.
When I wake up in the morning, he’s gone, but that night I make sure to leave my window unlocked, just in case.