4. Chase
FOUR
CHASE
SIXTEEN YEARS OLD
I get the feeling Anna wishes I would call her “Mom.” Lily had no problem taking up the moniker as soon as the ink was dry on the adoption papers, but I just can’t bring myself to. Honest to God, I start every day with the intention of getting over my shit and just doing it. I can give this to her. She deserves the title after everything she’s done for Lily and me. But then I think of my real mom, and guilt threatens to swallow me up whole. It’s like no matter how hard I try to erase her, she’s still the biggest part of the worst side of me.
Sam, however, is another story. I connect with him on a level that has me swallowing back the word “Dad” daily, and I’ll be damned if I know why. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a real dad to compare him to? All I know is he doesn’t push. He’s just a constant, always steady and never changing, letting me just be without expectation or judgment. I’ve never experienced an adult like that before. Before the summer, I asked if he’d take me with him down to his business, Sugarlake Construction, and teach me the ropes. I shocked the hell out of myself when I realized how much I enjoyed it. There’s something peaceful about the methodology in building something from nothing. There’s no room for error, no guesswork. Everything is exact. Precise. Controlled.
Today, Sam sat me down and laid out his plans of eventually passing it on to me. I’ll never tell him, but it’s been one of the best days of my life.
I’ve never had someone believe in me, and while the feeling is intoxicating, mainly I’m just terrified of disappointing him. I’ve been dying to talk to somebody about it, but the only one who I’d want to listen is Goldi, and that won’t work considering I’m doing my best to avoid her.
I don’t know what the hell happened at her house the other day, but it freaked me out, and ever since, I haven’t been able to get her out of my thoughts. She has this way of making everything around me disappear until all I see is her, and that’s not good for either of us.
I thought with some space I’d be able to get my shit together, maybe gain some perspective, but the more I try not to think about her, the more she’s there, front and center. And not in a “friendly” way.
It’s not right.
Fuck , I know this.
She’s my little sister’s best friend. Hell, she’s my best friend, and even worse, she’s only fourteen. A fucking freshman. She’s just learning about what it means to become a woman, and here I am thinking about how perfect her lips are and imagining what it would feel like to slide myself between her tits.
It doesn’t matter, though. I’d rather torture myself into eternity than I give in. She means too much for me to ruin it by losing my self-restraint, and if I have to put some space between us and fill my days with all the other girls in town to get her out of my system, then that’s what I’ll do. I’d rather have her in my life from a distance than not have her at all.
I am, however, going to introduce myself to that prick who moved in behind her house. What’s that saying? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Yeah. Guess who’s about to be your new best friend, buddy.
I’ve just poured myself a bowl of cereal when the screen door slams. Looking up, I see Lily sludging her way into the kitchen, black smudged under her eyes and a sour look on her face.
“What the hell happened to you?”
There’s only been a handful of times where Lily hasn’t been one-hundred-percent put together, and it usually coincides with sickness or “Aunt Flow.”
She plants herself in the chair across from me and groans, grabbing my bowl of cereal, the metal spoon clanking against the ceramic as she drags it over.
“Rough night.”
“A rough night?” My brows furrow. “Didn’t you spend it with Goldi?”
She’s shoveling cereal into her mouth but pauses, looking up and pointing her spoon at me. “She hates it when you call her that, you know.”
“She doesn’t.” My chest pulls tight. I don’t want to talk about Goldi. “Answer the question.”
“God, Dad , can you just relax a little?” she snaps.
I lean back and raise both my eyebrows, because what the fuck ?
“Yes, okay?” she continues, rolling her eyes. “I was at Becca’s with Lee last night. We stole some wine coolers from her mom’s hidden stash, and my head’s pounding, so just…lay off.”
She’s avoiding my stare, her eyes bouncing around the room like she can’t decide where to focus.
I lean forward, resting my elbows on the table, uneasiness creeping up my neck like a spider. “Bullshit.”
Her body stills. “What, so you’re a lie detector now?”
“You’re telling me if I walk over to Goldi’s and ask her about last night, she’ll have the same story?”
Lily shovels another spoonful of cereal into her mouth. “Mmhmm.”
I rub my chin. “And they both were drinking?”
She nods, quirking a brow. “You gonna go over there and give them the third degree, too?”
No.
Mainly because going over there means I’d have to actually face Goldi, and that’s a terrible idea. I am tempted though because I’m pretty sure Lily’s full of shit. But I won’t push her any more. If something serious was going on, she would confide in me. We’ve been one another’s support our entire lives, no way that will change.
Sighing, I stand. “All right, whatever you say, Lil.”
She drops the spoon in her bowl, her spine straightening. “You’re not actually going over there, are you?”
I stare down at her. “Wasn’t planning on it. Going to meet that new kid.”
Her posture relaxes and she grins at me. “Oh. Well, have fun, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”
I leave Lily to wallow in her self-imposed misery and grab my house keys before making my way to the street behind ours.
When I get there, Jackson’s got his head buried beneath a royal blue Mustang parked in the grass, his white tank top smeared with grease.
There’s music playing from a small speaker next to him, and he either doesn’t hear me walk up or he doesn’t care because his position doesn’t change when I make it to the car.
I peer over the edge and whistle, even though I have no clue what I’m looking at.
“Looks good,” I say.
Now he straightens, his eyes flashing as he reaches to a small makeshift table he has set up and grabs a blue towel, wiping his hands. “Yeah? You know how to fix a carburetor?”
I shrug. I don’t, but fuck if I’m telling him that.
He laughs, tossing the towel down and crossing his arms. “You Chase?”
“Yeah. Jackson, right?”
He nods. “Jax. Lee said you might stop by.”
My spine bristles because, what the hell does that mean? Has she been over here talking to him? Hanging out?
“Yeah, well…she says a lot of things,” I reply like a jackass.
“I could see that.” He watches me for a second, the corner of his mouth tilting up. “So, you don’t fix cars…you drink beer?”
A slow smile spreads across my face because…yeah. A beer I can get into.
I might have been a bit preemptive in my assumption Jackson was a prick. We’ve been hanging out, mainly at his place while he works on restoring the ’67 Mustang Fastback his dad left him. His mom isn’t around much due to the fact she works twelve-hour days, three times a week as a nurse, and picks up shifts as a bartender at Mac’s Dive here in town.
“How come your mom works so much?” I ask.
It’s a hot August afternoon, and we’re sitting on his back deck, sipping beer he schmoozed one of the housewives in town to buy us. I hate to admit it, but Goldi was right. He is a charming motherfucker.
“She won’t be. Not for much longer, anyway. As soon as I convince them to hire me as a mechanic at the shop in town, I’ll do enough to support us both.” His fingers tighten around his bottle. “Our healthcare system is fucked, you know? When my dad got sick, it was…aggressive. We spent every dollar we had to our name doing whatever we could, just to give us one more day, but most of it was fighting with insurance about whether he really needed the meds or the PET scan his doctors ordered.” He drains his beer, grabbing at the chain underneath his shirt.
“Sounds like bullshit.”
He shakes his head. “Cancer’s a business in this country just like everything else.”
Laughter floats across the yard, muffled by the distance and the wooden fence.
My heart skips, but I don’t look in that direction, because I just know it’s Goldi. I can feel it. Condensation drips down my drink and onto my fingers, slipping over my knuckles, and I focus on the sensation to keep from doing something stupid, like jumping the fence, apologizing for ignoring her, and shoving my tongue down her throat.
I look back up and Jax is watching me, a knowing glint in his eyes.
“What?” I snap, setting my beer on the table.
“Nothing, man.” He raises his hands up in surrender like he wasn’t staring a hole through me. “It’s just interesting, you know? I could have sworn Lee said you were her best friend when she pranced her cute little ass over here forcing her baked goods on me, but you haven’t mentioned her once.”
My body coils tighter with each word.
He leans back until his chair balances on the back two legs. “It’s good, though. I thought maybe the two of you were a thing. What kind of guy can chill with a girl like that and not want to get it in, you know?”
“She’s a little kid.”
“Nah,” he argues. “She’s not.”
Anger simmers beneath my skin, and I flatten my palms on my thighs, forcing them to not curl into fists.
I was right the first time. Jax is a fucking prick.
“I’m gonna snatch that up before some other guy has the chance,” he continues, oblivious to the wrath building inside me.
I point a finger at him. “The fuck you will.”
He throws his head back and laughs. “You should see the look on your face.”
Grimacing, I run a hand through my hair. “I should fuck you up.”
He’s still laughing when he stands, pausing by my chair and clapping a hand on my shoulder. “You should figure your shit out and either lock that down or move the hell on because believe me when I say, a girl like that? She won’t stay single for long once she’s in high school. You want another beer?”
I nod stiffly, his words running through my mind on a loop. He’s not wrong, it’s unrealistic to think there won’t be a guy eventually. I groan, throwing my head back. The thought of having to watch someone else touch her makes me sick to my stomach.
But I’m no good.
I’ll hold on too tight and suffocate her with my need to stay close. To never let her leave.
She deserves more than that, more than me. She deserves soft and sweet, so even though it kills me, I’ll stand back and let someone be that for her.
I drain the rest of my beer, the jealousy rising up my throat like acid.
Hours later, I’m still stuck on my conversation with Jax, and how it made me feel. My stomach is in knots knowing Goldi’s starting school with us, and I’ll have to stand back and watch those idiotic motherfuckers try to lay game on her.
She’s too smart for that.
Even as I think it, I’m not convinced.
My mind volleys between slipping out of my window or staying in place. Up until now, I’ve been strong. For weeks, anytime I’ve seen her, I turn the other way.
But it doesn’t stop my heart from reaching out for hers, trying to match its rhythm.
Tonight, though, I’m too weak to resist. It’s been a long day with shitty feelings, and I’m suffocating without her.
As I open her window and climb inside, I tell myself that tomorrow I’ll throw my feelings in a box and lock it up tight.
Tomorrow, I’ll be strong.
It’s dark other than the stars on her ceiling, and seeing them glow that neon color makes comfort blossom in my chest and wrap around me like a heated blanket. A few months ago, she talked about getting rid of them, but I made her promise to never take them down.
She hasn’t asked why, but if she did, I’d tell her it’s because they light the path straight to her.
Fucking pathetic.
Still, I like knowing that even without me here, she’s kept them up.
When I reach her bed, she’s sleeping, and I lean down, brushing the strands of her honey hair from her cheek. Little puffs of breath blow from her perfect mouth, dusting across my knuckles. My eyes drink her in, gliding over her like I’m parched for thirst.
She stirs as I trace my index finger along her jaw.
“Chase?” she murmurs sleepily.
“Yeah, Goldi. It’s me.”
She stretches her arms, her tank top lifting and revealing her midriff, and a shot of heat sparks low in my abdomen, so I swallow hard and look away.
I feel her stare, though.
She’s the only person in my life that looks through all the bullshit and dives straight into my soul. The only person I’d ever want to.
“What’s the matter, Boy Scout?”
I crawl over her, careful to make sure our bodies don’t touch, and slip under the covers. “Just wanted to see you.”
She turns to face me, frowning as she puts her hands beneath her cheek, sinking into her pillow. “I thought you’d gone and wrote me off. Then here you are crawlin’ back in my window like you haven’t ignored me for weeks.”
I cringe. “I know. I’m an asshole.”
“Is that your version of an apology?”
Reaching out, I pull her hand from beneath her face and tangle our fingers together in the space between us. “It’s me saying I fucked up. You just make me feel… so much, Goldi. I don’t know how to handle it sometimes.”
Her gaze holds mine. “Apology accepted.”
Guilt slithers up my spine knowing I’m not planning on changing my ways. “I’ll probably fuck up again,” I warn her.
She yawns and closes her eyes. “Yeah, probably.”
My throat is tight, clogged from all the things I want to tell her. “You feeling good today, Goldi?”
She doesn’t answer, already drifting back to sleep.
I lie in the silence, content to just be in her presence, my thumb stroking lazily over the back of her hand, and it’s not until my eyes close that I hear her whisper, “You make me feel too, Chase.”
I’m not even sure she’s awake when she says it.
It’s been a hard day, but like always, being around her lifts the heaviness from my chest, and for the first time in three weeks, I can breathe again.
Tomorrow, I’ll be strong.