43. Alina
FORTY-THREE
ALINA
Being with Chase was more than I thought it ever could be. I always knew it would be explosive between us, but that was another level. I’ve never had someone take control of my body and just know what I need.
Dang, I want to do it again.
He’s girthy. Bigger than Logan, for sure. He stretched me in ways I didn’t know would feel good to be stretched. I’m sore and content lying in his bed, my fingers trailing over his chest, my head resting in the nook of his arm. He sweeps a kiss across my hair and I hide my smile in his side.
“Do you have plans this weekend?” he asks.
“Nope. Why?” It’s semi-true. Technically, I have brunch plans with Becca and Jax, but I can cancel on them for one week.
“I want you to come with me to Nashville. There’s somewhere I want to take you.”
“You gonna show me where you’ve been all this time?” I look up at him.
He grins. “There’s this thing I go to on Sundays. I’d like you to come with me.”
“Oh yeah? What kind of ‘thing’?”
“A meeting.” His words carry a serious vibe that washes away my relaxation. “It’s helped me a lot, and I thought maybe it could help you, too.”
The cozy warmth in my chest starts to chill. I push against him, sliding away. “ Help me? Why do you think I need help?”
He’s quick to pull me back, his strong arms cocooning me as he drops kisses on my cheeks. The anger that was threatening under the surface melts away.
“I don’t mean it like that,” he says to reassure me. “It’s a group for people who have been affected by addiction.”
“I’m not an addict, Chase. I don’t need a group to tell me that.”
“I know, baby. It’s a place for support.”
I feel the scowl transform my face and Chase frowns as he stares at me. “I know it’s the last thing you want to do. I mean, it was the last fucking thing I wanted to do, too. So I get it. Believe me. But this isn’t a group that will judge you. You don’t need to say anything. No one even has to know about your dad.”
I run his words through my head. “I don’t have to say anything?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I’d like you to come, though. It’s an important part of me, and you’re also an important part. The most important part. I really want to share this with you.”
This is not what I had in mind when he asked if I was busy this weekend, but I can’t deny the curiosity that’s brimming, wondering what it was like for him in Nashville during our years apart.
“Okay. I’ll go.”
In the middle of the night, Chase slips inside me again. I don’t resist, even though I’m sore. And then again in the morning, when he takes me up against the shower wall, I revel in the sting.
After breakfast, he drops me home so I can pack an overnight bag for Nashville. I text Becca and Jax, canceling brunch. I feel guilty because I haven’t told Becca about Chase yet, so I ask her to stop by.
The truth is, I’m nervous to tell her. Becca isn’t known for her soft-spoken words or her understanding, especially since she was the one who was there from the beginning with Chase and me. From the first unrequited crush to the soul-crushing loss that swallowed me after he was gone. If anyone has a right to be upset about our relationship, it’s her.
I’m throwing clothes in my bag when she shows up. She walks in like she owns the place, sashaying through the doorway.
“I know you think you can just ditch me and Jax for brunch, but I’ve come to force you to go.”
I grin as I fold my shirt and place it in my bag. “I can’t go, Becca. I’m goin’ out of town for the night.”
She plops down on my bed, frowning. “Oh. With who?”
I steal a glance at her, my nerves making eye contact impossible. Here we go. Rip it off like a Band-Aid. “Chase.”
Becca blinks at me.
I continue flitting around my room, flinging clothes that I don’t need for a one-day trip into my bag. Anything to keep busy so I don’t feel the weight of her gaze.
After going through every possible wardrobe combination, I can’t take the silence anymore. “Are you gonna say somethin’? You’re makin’ me nervous.”
Becca tilts her head.
“Well.” I raise my hands. “You’ve got nothin’ to say about this?”
She sighs, breaking her stare and picking at her nails. “What would you like me to say, Lee? You’ve clearly made up your mind already. You’re a big girl, I don’t need to fight your battles for you.”
My eyes sting from how wide I open them. I press the back of my hand against her forehead. “You feelin’ okay? No snarky comeback? No witty retort?”
She bats me away. “Just so we’re clear, you want me to be a bitch about this?”
I sit on the bed, frowning. “I don’t…I don’t know. I’m confused by your reaction. I was prepared to defend myself and here you are messin’ up my plans.”
She rolls her eyes. “I have other things to worry about, Lee. If you wanna go down a road that you already know I don’t approve of, that’s on you. I’ll be here to wipe your tears when he inevitably fucks it all up. Again. ”
I chew on my lip. “You really think he’s gonna mess up again?”
She lifts her shoulders. “He’s a man. That’s what men do.” She falls back on my bed, crossing her hands over her stomach. “Hey, how come you gave out my number, bitch?”
My eyebrows draw in. “What on Earth are you talkin’ about?”
She levels me with a glare. “My number. You gave it to Eli’s…thing.” She waves her hand in the air. “Samantha or whatever her name is.”
“Sarah,” I correct.
“Whatever.”
“Um. Okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“Well, it is,” she says, crossing her arms.
I narrow my eyes. “I gave it to her ’cause I’m tired of tryin’ to figure out what the heck is goin’ on with you and my brother. It’s exhaustin’ , Becca. And while we’re on the subject, just so you know…I’m not dumb.”
Her face pales and she pulls her hair into a ponytail, moving it to her other shoulder before releasing it. She’s always played with her hair when she’s nervous. The fact she’s doing it right now is a big tell.
“So what? I saw him around campus sometimes. He didn’t like things I had to say and I didn’t like the way he abandoned you. We didn’t exactly get along.”
“Okay. So what’s the big deal with Sarah, then?”
“I don’t like her.” She shrugs.
“Mmhmmm. Well, I’m sorry. You’ve known Eli since you were in diapers. I really didn’t think a thing of it.”
She twirls the ends of her hair between her fingers, blowing out a breath. “That’s all right. I’m just pissed off because my old man’s thrilled to have somethin’ for me to do. He keeps tellin’ me ‘idle hands are the Devil’s playground.’”
“So he’s makin’ you help?”
She scoffs. “He’s puttin’ me in charge of the whole damn ceremony.”
My jaw drops. “Do you even wanna do somethin’ like that? Your daddy should realize you’re twenty-six and capable of makin’ your own decisions.”
“Yeah, well…that’s a fight for another day.” She stares at her hands.
I watch her, wondering what it is that’s making her so melancholy.
She looks at me, pasting a smile on her face. “You never told me where the asshole of the century is takin’ you.”
I want to keep pressing her on Eli. She’s not thinking straight if she imagines I’m stupid enough to buy her story, but I let her steer the conversation in a different direction. Since she’s in charge of his wedding ceremony, there will be plenty of opportunities for me to watch them together. Plus, I’m sure they’ll both be at Sam’s retirement party next weekend. Everyone in town is going. Even Daddy.
I’m not sure what to expect from this mini-trip with Chase. We’re only here for one night, and I’ve already seen almost everything there is to see of Nashville, so I don’t have any grandiose ideas. I’m anxious to experience a bit of what Chase’s life was like without me. I want to see this side of him, even if that means sitting in a room full of people whose scars remind me I’m still bleeding.
We debate whether to order room service. I figure it would be a shame to not experience the Nashville nightlife, so we end up going to a casual spot downtown. A band is playing on the patio, so I’m thankful we’re being led to a table inside where we can still talk. I slide into the booth, looking at our surroundings. It’s busy, but then again, it’s Saturday night so I shouldn’t be surprised. The walls are bright pops of color. Neon greens and purples clashing against dark concrete floors. This place is clearly not known for its aesthetics.
“Is this your favorite restaurant?” I tease.
He smiles. “I don’t really have a favorite, but their food’s decent. Plus, I can’t take you to a fancy place. Wouldn’t want to ruin my reputation and make you think I was trying to woo you.”
“No, no chance of that.” I smile, glancing at the menu.
“See anything you like?” he asks.
“This is perfect. They have fried green tomatoes, which is all I need to be happy.”
The waiter comes around bringing us drinks and taking our orders. We’re left to relative silence, only the bass drum from the outside band thrumming in our ears. I see his mind working and I wonder what he’s thinking. Does he regret bringing me here? Is he thinking about his ex? Did he bring her here?
Stop it.
“So, tell me about this thing you’re takin’ me to tomorrow.”
He sips his beer, his eyes never leaving mine. “It’s a group meeting. We get together in the basement of a church and share stories. My therapist actually encouraged me to go a few years ago, and it’s helped me with…everything, really.”
I still can’t wrap my head around Chase seeing a therapist. I’ve tried to imagine it a million times, but I always come up short. “How often do you go?”
“Every weekend. I actually am the main organizer for it now.” Something that looks an awful lot like pride fills his eyes. Shock weaves its way through my system as I listen to him. “I don’t know how the fuck they decided I’d be the best for that. But here I am.”
The waiter interrupts, dropping off our fried green tomatoes. They smell delicious, but I don’t want to ruin the moment by indulging.
Instead, I urge him to continue. “How does it help?”
“Easy question.” His fingers tighten around his beer. “I never processed all the emotion that came with being the son of an addict. Never let myself really feel it.” His head is angled down, but his eyes glance up at me. “The shame that surrounds it. The feelings of complete fucking failure. The anger I have toward my mom…toward Lily.”
My heart pangs with an ache so sharp it shoots to my toes. Even though he isn’t talking about me, I’m rubbed raw from his words. Each syllable pulls at the emotions I keep hidden away.
“I’ve lived with that shit all my life, Goldi. I let it infect every fucking part of me, and it wasn’t until I went to this group and heard other people’s stories…saw the pain, and the anger, and the misplaced embarrassment on other people’s faces.” He shakes his head, taking another sip of his drink. “That shit makes you put things in perspective. For the first time, I realized I wasn’t alone.”
I don’t really know what to say. Nausea is rolling around in my belly over the thought of going to this meeting with him—of being witness to the feelings I try to ignore, but I push down the anxiety. This is important to him, and I’m honored he wants to share this vulnerable part of his life.
“Do you—have you ever found Lily?” She was my best friend once upon a time, and I carry a lot of guilt for how I handled things with her.
I ignored my worries well before I spoke them, too naive to know what was really going on, and then too scared to speak up when I had the chance.
His mouth curves into a sad smile. “I don’t know if Sam and Anna are still searching, but it wouldn’t surprise me. I don’t know where I’d even begin to look.” He tugs on the ends of his messy hair. “She could be anywhere, you know? She could be happy as hell living a life without me in it. Or maybe she’s dead in a ditch.” I see the torment as it swirls around his face, darkening the hazel of his eyes.
My breath hitches at the thought. “Don’t think that. Have you ever thought about lookin’ again?”
“For Lily?”
“Yeah. I mean, I don’t know how it works. But don’t they have private investigators, or whatever they’re called, that can do that? Hunt people down?”
His fingers scratch at the scruff on his jaw. “I’ve never thought about doing that. I’m not sure I’d even want to find her. Does that make me a shitty person?”
“No. It just makes you human, Chase.”
“I just… I’m so angry at her for leaving. Part of me feels like she’s had plenty of time to find her way back, and she hasn’t, so I have to assume she wants to be left alone. And that makes me a piece of shit brother.” He stabs his finger into his chest. “I should be turning the world upside down, right?”
“Maybe.” I raise my shoulder as I bite into a tomato.
He frowns. “Yeah, maybe.”
“Your sister was never known for her humility, Chase. You of all people should be able to relate to that. Maybe she wants to come home and feels like she can’t. Or maybe you’re right, and she wants nothin’ to do with you.”
He flinches, and I regret how blunt my words come across, but it’s the truth, and he should hear it.
I reach across the table and grab his hand. “But…maybe Lily doesn’t know what she needs. Or maybe it’s not about her at all. If findin’ her will give you peace, then it’s worth doin’.”
His eyes soften and he brings my palm up to his mouth and presses a kiss to it.
“At least talk to your folks. Maybe they know somethin’,” I implore.
We don’t speak of it anymore, changing the subject to something lighter. Something that doesn’t take us to the darkest parts of who we are. I grab the surface level conversation and hang on tight because I have a feeling that tomorrow, we’ll be back in the dark again.