49. Alina
FORTY-NINE
ALINA
I’m at brunch with Jax.
Becca’s down at the church, meeting with Eli and Sarah, so it’s just the two of us today. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since our talk, and I hadn’t realized how much I missed him until this moment. We’re spending the day together before heading over to Sam’s party tonight. It’s Jax’s last night before he leaves for California, and he said he wanted to go with me, even if he had to give me up at the doors.
“I’m moving,” Jax blurts.
My hands grip the edge of the table, my equilibrium suddenly thrown off from his words. “What do you mean, you’re movin’ ?”
“To California. I spend most of my time there anyway, and…there’s not much holding me here.”
He’s movin’ because of me. My heart cries as it cracks in my chest.
“Oh,” I whisper. His words are another jagged cut to my soul, like the marks are keeping tally of all the ways people leave. I don’t know what to say. Even though I can’t love him the way he wants, I still love him. The selfish part of me wishes that were enough.
He reaches out and grips my hand tight. “I’ll still come back to visit. My mom would kill me if I didn’t spend holidays with her, but this is something I need to do.”
“Is it because of me?”
“A little,” he admits.
My face crumples.
Jax rushes out his next words. “Please, sweetheart, don’t cry. I just need to get some space. Find myself, get over you. I can’t do that here… I need you to understand.”
I sniffle, nodding. I get it, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. “Will w-we be okay?”
“Yeah, we’ll be okay.” With one more squeeze of my hand, he smiles. “No more of these tears, all right? I’ve got a hot date tonight, and I need her to be at her best.”
I giggle, drying my eyes.
We spend the rest of the day together. Time with him moves faster now that I know he’s about to be gone. He keeps the mood light, but still, anxiety eats at my insides as Jax pulls into the rec center’s parking lot. I tried to get a hold of Daddy and Eli, but neither of them answered, and things are still on edge with Chase. He reassured me there was nothing to worry about, but the ghosts of our past still float inside my head.
“You ready for this?” Jax asks as he parks. “It’s my last night here, sweetheart, let’s make it count.” His perfect teeth gleam in the artificial light of the streetlamps.
My heart twinges. He’s leaving and I don’t know when he’ll be coming back.
I keep my eyes peeled for Chase as we walk in, but I don’t find him. Maybe he’s lost in the crowd. I think everyone in the history of Sugarlake is here.
“Shit, they really know how to throw a party, huh,” Jax murmurs, his hand on my lower back as he leads me farther into the room.
There are long tables set up along the walls, appetizers covering every inch. A bar sits in the corner of the room, and that’s where Jax steers me. He orders our drinks while I lean against the bar top, glancing around again for Chase. Where is he?
I don’t see him, but my gaze snags on Anna talking to Logan. Great. I should have known he would be here. Logan notices me and a smile takes over his face as he says something to Anna and saunters over. We weren’t in a relationship, but I still feel guilty about ghosting him the way I did. I haven’t even thought about him because I’ve been so tied up in Chase.
Anna watches as he walks over to me, and my insides tighten at her stare. Super, more ammunition for the Hate Alina Brigade.
Jax tenses next to me, squeezing my waist. He leans in to whisper in my ear. “I’m gonna go find the men’s room. I’ll be back.”
I nod, keeping my eyes on Logan. I’m sure Jax is really leaving to avoid him, but honestly, I’m relieved. I don’t want to deal with the drama tonight.
“Alina. Hey, I was hopin’ you’d be here.” Logan pulls me in for a hug. I squirm, uncomfortable with his attention.
“Yeah? Here I am.” I back up, drinking from my wine as I glance around for Chase.
His eyes dim. “Everything okay?”
I sigh, lowering my glass onto the bar top and wringing my hands together. “Logan, I?—”
His laughter cuts me off. “Don’t tell me. You’re endin’ things.”
I grimace. “Was there ever really somethin’ to end?”
“There could have been if you had wanted.”
“You’re an amazin’ man, but I’m with?—”
Logan puts his hand up. “I don’t need the story, babe. We were just havin’ fun, right? It was bound to end at some point.” His eyes peruse my body. “But, damn, was it fun while it lasted.”
“It was that.”
His hands are in his pockets as he looks around the room. “Guess I need to rearrange my plans, then. Find someone else to take home tonight. I thought I had a sure thing once I saw you.”
His words bring a grin to my face. “Sorry to be a night ruiner. I’m sure there’s a line of ladies waitin’ for their chance.”
“Yeah, yeah. You don’t have to butter me up after you break my heart,” he jokes.
My eyes move past him as Anna walks up. “Alina, hi.” She smiles.
Logan leans in to kiss my cheek. “It was good to see you, Lee. Don’t be a stranger.” He turns and tips his head to Anna. “Mrs. Adams.”
“He’s such a sweet boy,” Anna says as she watches him leave.
“Mmm.” I sip from my wine, unsure of what to say. I’m surprised she’s even over here in the first place.
“Alina, I wanted to talk to you. This may not be the best time, but I’m not sure if I’ll have the chance again. I don’t see Chase willingly bringin’ you around again after the way I acted.”
The wine flows down the wrong pipe, and I bite back the cough. Is she apologizing? I wave her off. “Oh, no, Anna…”
“No, no. Let me say this.” She puts her hand on my arm. “I’ve been placin’ blame on your shoulders when you don’t deserve it. Chase chastised me good and well for it the other night, and it’s been on my mind ever since. I don’t know what all Chase has told you, but Sam and I struggled with conceiving. I prayed for children every day. Having Chase and Lily come into our lives was God’s answer.” A small smile graces her face as she thinks of her children. “Then they met you, and you lit both of them up from the inside. Especially Chase. Truly, I’ve never seen anything like it. When I lost them, you were the easiest person to shift the blame to.”
The sting of her thoughts bites at my sensitive heart.
“I’m not proud of the way I’ve acted toward you, but there’s nothin’ I can do to change it. I also won’t lie to you. I’ve had years of buildin’ up the blame in my head, and as much as I’d like to pretend I can turn it off with a flip of a switch, it’s not that simple.”
Now that I understand. “I appreciate your honesty.”
“But I want you to know I’m gonna try like hell. I don’t want to lose Chase again, now that I’ve got him back. And I can see how happy you make him. How happy you’ve always made him.” She swipes a fallen strand of hair from her face. “Sam tells me I need to suck it up and just get outta the way, let love take its course.”
Her words don’t ring of a blossoming friendship, but they give me hope. “Thank you for tellin’ me. And for bein’ honest.” I respect that she came to me. If anyone understands not being able to turn feelings off, it’s me. I can give her time if that’s what she needs.
Anna pats my arm. “Oh, look who just showed up.” She points to the entrance. Daddy walks in followed by Eli and Sarah. My nerves sprout like weeds, wrapping around my chest and squeezing. At least Daddy’s still walking in a straight line.
“I’ll let you catch up with your family, Alina. Thank you for givin’ me a moment of your time. You make sure that boy keeps comin’ home, you hear me?” She gives me a look that only a mama can give, and I find myself smiling at her. I think we’ll be okay.
I head toward Eli and Daddy, figuring I might as well get it out of the way. “Hi, y’all.”
Eli grins as he sees me, and Sarah lifts her hand in a dainty wave. Daddy grunts and shoves past me, walking straight to the bar. Okay, then. We’re still in the ignore Alina phase, I see.
“I gather he’s in his usual form.”
Eli watches Daddy’s retreating back with a furrowed brow. “Yeah. I tried to convince him not to come. It caused a big thing at home.” He runs his fingers through his blond hair, disheveling the strands. He looks tired, like being home has sucked the joy out of his soul.
“Hi, Sarah.” I turn toward her. “How goes the weddin’ stuff?”
“It’s going okay.” She smiles, but it seems forced.
The energy between the three of us is stilted and awkward. I’m dying to ask Eli about visiting Mama’s grave, but this isn’t the right place, and we have a host of other issues we need to work through. I stare at my big brother, drinking him in. The years have been kind to him, but I can see the stress he holds in both his posture and the few fine lines on his forehead. His eyes are stone, not giving anything away. Growing up, they were the window to his soul, and he always let people glance inside. I wonder what happened to make him feel like he needed to put up shutters.
Just as the thought crosses my mind, devastation swirls in his irises, the grief stealing my breath away. It’s just a second. A flash. But it’s there. The space between my brow wrinkles as I watch him.
“Guess who the cat dragged in?” Jax’s voice comes from behind me and I spin to face him. He’s got his arm thrown over Becca’s shoulders, a lazy grin on his face. Becca stares straight at Eli. I look back and forth between them. Eli’s jaw is tight, and he reaches around Sarah’s waist, pulling her to his side, leaning into her like she’s a crutch.
Becca snaps her head to me and attempts a smile. “What’s up, girl? You find the good booze yet? My chaperone over here”—she tilts her head toward Jax—“made me come find you first.”
I gasp. “How dare he.”
“I know, right?” Her hand lands on her hip. “I told him you of all people would understand. Especially in situations like these.” Her eyes slide back over to Eli, locking on to where he and Sarah are connected.
“Becca! Hi. Long time no see,” Sarah jokes, oblivious to the tension pulling the air.
“Hey, Sarah. You’re lookin’ just as pretty as you were this afternoon.” Becca musters a grin. “A true beauty. Eli’s a lucky man.”
Eli clears his throat, his eyes narrowing in Becca’s direction.
“The prodigal son returns home,” Jax snarks before looking at Sarah. “Hi, I’m Jax. You must be the lucky lady?”
Sarah blinks at him, in a daze. I smother my grin behind my hand. Jax has that effect on people. I remember my first time meeting him and how he stunned me into silence, too.
He puts his hand out, his other arm still wrapped around Becca’s shoulders. “Nice to meet you.”
Sarah shakes her head slightly, before placing her hand in his. “Pleasure’s all mine, and yes. I am. The lucky lady, that is. Are you Becca’s boyfriend?” She glances between them.
Eli stiffens, his eyes narrowing on Jax. A piece of the puzzle slots into place in my brain.
“Ha! He wishes,” Becca huffs. “Excuse me, y’all, I need to step outside and get some air.”
She breaks away from Jax’s embrace and hurries toward the doors. Jax and I share a look. She’s definitely not okay. And I think I know why.
“I’m gonna go outside with her.” I turn back toward Eli. “Keep an eye on Daddy, would you?”
He nods, his jaw clenched, posture rigid—his gaze never leaving the space Becca left.
I find Becca on the edge of the sidewalk, staring at the parking lot. I don’t say anything as I sit beside her. I just nudge her with my shoulder and give her silent support. A few minutes pass, watching the cars filter in and out of the lot before I decide to use a line from Chase’s playbook.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“How many times do I gotta tell you, there’s nothin’ to talk about?”
“Oh, come off it, Becca. This ain’t you. Anyone with two eyes can tell somethin’ is wrong.”
She stays silent.
I chew on my lip. “Is it Eli?”
She scoffs. “No.”
I chew on my lip as I stare at her. “You know I don’t believe you, right?”
She sighs, running a hand through her hair. “Your brother has nothin’ to do with me, Lee. That I can promise you—Hey, isn’t that your man?” She perks up, pointing her finger across the parking lot.
My eyes follow her movement and I make out Chase. Has he been out here this whole time? He’s leaning against his black pickup truck, staring down at his phone. My heart speeds up at the sight of him.
“Yep, that’s my man. I’m gonna go say hi.” I’m standing to head over there when his head shoots up and swings from side to side. Is he lookin’ for me?
A woman enters my line of sight, causing my steps to falter. She’s gorgeous, her long jet-black hair swinging as she saunters up to Chase. She is the textbook definition of everything I’m not. My gut sinks and nausea builds, memories of our past playing out again in front of my eyes. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. That was in the past, and he’s grown. He’s different now.
The woman steps closer to him. He grabs her shoulder and she smiles, letting me know there’s a familiarity there.
“Who the hell is that?” Becca comes up next to me.
I shake my head, my eyes glued to the scene before me. I have no idea who that is. But Chase obviously does.
I’m frozen in place, the stitches holding my heart together coming loose with every beat. She rises on her toes. No. I can’t look away, even as she slams her mouth on his, her fingers diving into his hair.
Bile rises in my throat and my stomach drops to the floor, making me dizzy. Becca’s hand shoots out and grips my arm.
“Asshole!” Becca yells.
Her voice carries. Chase jerks back, whipping his head in our direction. His eyes lock on mine, widening in horror. The woman pulls at his arm, but he shoves her away, racing toward me.
My feet back up, my head shaking. I can’t. I won’t.
I turn. And I run.