51. Alina
FIFTY-ONE
ALINA
I stare at my reflection in the restroom mirror. My body is trembling from the extreme highs and lows I’ve experienced in the past hour.
Dang, get it together, Lee.
I believe Chase when he says it wasn’t what it looked like. Maybe that makes me naive, I don’t know. What I do know is that he’s my forever. My soul recognized his from the moment we met, and he’s right, if I don’t trust him, what’s the point? Now that the shock has worn off, I can look at the scene objectively. I see how my mind was lost in memories of the past, skewing my vision.
I think maybe I need to see a therapist to help work through our past issues and help me stay in the present. Maybe Chase would let me go with him to his.
Daddy is a whole different issue. Every bone in my body wants to jump in a car and chase him down, but I know it won’t do me any good. I’m tired of being his punching bag, and after going to that meeting with Chase, I’ve realized as long as I’m there cushioning his fall, he won’t ever feel the pain. He has to hit rock bottom, and he needs to do it alone. But that doesn’t mean I’m not worried. I need to talk to Eli. Where the heck is he?
I splash water on my face to cool my cheeks and head back to the party. The last thing I want is to walk in there now that everyone’s seen Daddy at his worst, but I have no other option. I am not Daddy’s choices.
Pushing open the doors, I take a deep breath and work my way through the crowd. Music thumps from the speakers, and there’s a group of people dancing in the middle of the room. My body instinctively wants to lose itself in the music, to forget about everything that’s happened, but I keep my eyes on the prize.
I slink to a corner, hiding in the shadows while I scan the area for my brother. I find Sarah chatting with Sam and Anna, but Eli isn’t with her. The thought briefly flitters through my mind to ask her where he is, but something holds me back. I’m not sure she’d be any more in the know than I am.
“Were you ever gonna tell me?”
My breath lodges in my throat as I spin around. “Jax.”
His hands are in his pockets, a storm raging in the forest of his eyes. “Sweetheart, how long has he been this bad?”
“No. Don’t you look at me like that, Jackson Rhoades.” I point my finger in his face. “That right there is exactly the reason I never said anything. Ever since Mama died and Eli left, all I get is looks of pity from everyone in town. I can’t stand the thought of you lookin’ at me that way, too.”
Jax rocks back on his heels. “But it’s me .”
A short laugh comes out with my breath. “That’s even worse.”
He flinches, and I struggle to find the words.
“Jax…I didn’t tell you because you would have rode in on your white horse and saved the day. I didn’t want that. You already hold me up whenever I’m fallin’ down, and I knew, I knew that I couldn’t be enough for you.” I glance down, the sting burning me from my chest to my eyes. “I didn’t want you to know I wasn’t enough for Daddy, too.”
“Alina. No. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.”
I sniffle. “I know that now, I do. He’s really mean to me, Jax. Blames me for Mama…can’t even look at me. I didn’t want you to see it. I didn’t want anyone to know it.”
Jax’s arms engulf me. “It kills me you’ve been going through this all alone, sweetheart. You say the word and I’ll postpone my move. I’ll stay here for as long as you need.”
I shake my head against his chest. “No. You need to go. As much as I want you to stay, it would be the most selfish thing I could do, Jax.”
He hugs me tighter, and I get lost in the comfort of my best friend’s embrace.
“I’m sorry. I should have told you.”
He lets out a deep exhale. “You’re telling me now.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
Jax pulls back, his hand cupping my cheek. “You deserve the world, Alina May. Promise me you’ll go out and get it.”
My belly burns and my heart rams against my rib cage. “Why does this feel like goodbye?”
“Maybe it is,” he says with glassy eyes.
My head finds his chest again and my tears fall faster, soaking into his shirt.
“Maybe sometimes you have to say goodbye, even when it hurts. Maybe that’s the only way to appreciate the hellos.”
I squeeze my eyes tight as I cling to him. “I love you, Jackson Rhoades. I’ll miss you every day.”
He hums, and I commit the feel of him to memory. Even though I want to stay like this for as long as I can, I let go.
“Have you seen Eli?” I tuck my hair behind my ears.
Jax shakes his head. “I can help you look if you want.”
“I’m gonna check the back hallway. Will you just keep an eye out? Tell him I’m lookin’ if you see him.”
I make my way to the hallway where Chase and I exchanged I-love-yous. My heart flutters at the memory. He loves me. If I’m honest, I think I already knew.
The hall is dark and quiet as I peer into the first couple of rooms. Nothing. I’m turning to leave when I hear a crash. The noise makes me jump, and I spin back around, cocking my head.
Thump.
I walk down the hallway, toward the last room on the left.
Thump.
I hear it again, and before I know what I’m doing, I’m turning the door handle, throwing it open and stepping inside. I gasp, my eyes bulging and my hands flying to cover my mouth. Eli snaps his head up. He sees me and curses. I should be running out of the room and pouring bleach in my eyes, but I can’t move. I’m glued to the scene of my best friend laid out on a table with my brother hovering over her. They’re both wearing clothes, but barely. The pieces of fabric are jostled, like they started to take them off, then realized they didn’t have the time.
I cover my eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, holy crap. I’m sorry.” The words spill out of me, even though sorry is the last thing I should be. “I’m not leavin’ this room, so y’all do what you need to do and get decent quick. Let me know when it’s safe to uncover my eyes. Oh my God .”
A few minutes pass in relative silence, other than whispered words between them and the sound of zippers and snaps. It’s enough time for my shock to morph into anger.
Eli clears his throat. “Lee, it’s all good.”
I drop my arms. “We must have different definitions of that phrase, Eli.”
Becca walks toward me with her hands splayed in front of her. “Lee, this isn’t what it looks like.”
My face lifts toward the ceiling. “If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that phrase tonight.” I laugh. “No. I think this is exactly what it looks like. And besides the fact Eli’s engaged to be freakin’ married, I probably wouldn’t have cared.” I pin her with my gaze. “But I asked you, Becca.”
“I know, but?—”
“Don’t. Don’t try and excuse this away. I don’t wanna hear it. I can’t even begin to process this right now. All I know is how much it hurts that you thought I wouldn’t understand.” My eyes well, and it ticks me off because I am so sick of crying.
I bite back the tears. “I need to speak to my brother, Becca. Alone.”
She sniffs, nodding, not even glancing at Eli as she leaves. She pauses when she’s next to me, her shoulder brushing mine. “I’m sorry.” Her voice chokes on the words.
I stiffen my shoulders and keep my gaze on my big brother. I don’t speak until I hear the click of the door. Eli sits on the table he was just mauling my best friend on.
“While you were busy gettin’ your jollies with someone other than your fiancée, guess what you missed.”
“She’s not…” He shakes his head and then watches me with worried, cautious eyes. “What’s that, Lee?”
“I’ll tell you. Daddy gettin’ in a fight with the man of the hour, Sam. Bein’ a mess in front of the entire town and then stormin’ off drunk as a skunk. That’s what.” I throw my arm in the direction of the parking lot. “Now he’s out there, drivin’, sloppy and upset.”
“What?” Eli shoots up. “Where’d he go?”
“How should I know, Eli? Hopefully, home.”
He starts to pace. “Well, let’s go. We’ve gotta find him.”
I shake my head, standing strong. “I’m not goin’. I just thought you should know.”
Eli huffs, his eyes widening and his arms splaying to the sides. “What do you mean you’re not going?”
“Look, if you wanna spend your time chasin’ after Daddy and the devil on his shoulder, be my guest. He’ll leave you in the dust, and all that’ll be left is you chasin’ your own tail.”
His eyes soften. “I shouldn’t have left you to deal with him alone. I should have come back. Should have done more.” His voice raises with each declaration, and he resumes pacing.
My throat pinches with emotion because yeah, he should have. I put my hand up, stopping his rant. “Now’s not the time, Eli. Literally any other day you’ve been here would have worked. But tonight? I don’t wanna hear it.”
His steps falter and his jaw tics.
I turn to go, wanting nothing more than to find Chase and tell him I’m leaving. Even though I shouldn’t. I haven’t even seen Sam yet to congratulate him, other than when he was licking the blood off his lip that Daddy caused him to spill.
“Lee,” Eli says, his voice low and nervous. “You don’t understand about Becca. It’s not… We aren’t… Just go easy on her, okay? You’re the best thing in her life, and she’d be devastated to lose you.”
I guffaw, my brows rising along with my chin. “You sure seem to know an awful lot about my best friend, Eli.”
His cheeks puff out and he hangs his head. “No. I don’t know her at all.”
His voice cracks as he says it, sadness wrapping around his words and breaking them in half. But I don’t have time to worry about the mess Becca and Eli are in. Not right now. Not after everything that’s happened tonight. So I give a sharp nod and walk out the door.
When we make it back to the party, I spot Chase talking to Jax, which is surprising. My phone rings just as I’m walking over to them.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Lee. It’s Buddy, down at the station. I uhh…your pa was just brought in. Thought I’d let you know. They’re bookin’ him now.”
I lift my head to the sky. What else could possibly happen tonight? “What’s he there for, Bud?”
“He crashed into another vehicle goin’ down the wrong way on Main Street.”
I suck in a breath, stumbling over my feet just as I reach Chase. I grab his arm to stay steady. Visions of getting a call about Mama flash behind my eyes. “Is everyone okay?”
“They’re banged up, but nothin’ life-threatenin’. There was a two-year-old and a pregnant woman in the car. He’s lucky, it coulda been a lot worse. But off the record? Your pa’s gonna need to get himself a lawyer. You can come pick him up in a few hours. Let him sober up a bit and get through his bond arraignment.”
The urge to run to Daddy’s side is strong, but I straighten my spine and remember what I just told Eli. “Nah, Bud. Thanks for the call. I think a night in jail will do him some good.”
I hang up my phone and turn it off.