18. Lily
EIGHTEEN
LILY
Some scars are too deep to show.
The slightest tug makes them rip, fester, and ooze all over again, and I’ve worked too damn hard over the years trying to staunch the bleeding and numb the ache. Still, Alex gave me something of himself, and my stomach jumbles around, wanting to give him something more back.
“I’m a drug addict.” My words sound harsh in the still air, and my eyes bounce from him to the cinnamon gum on the kitchen counter, my insides sizzling with need, my body physically begging for something I’ll no longer allow it to have.
I don’t think it ever goes away—the craving. Gets easier over time, sure, but it’s always there in the background, like a lion hunting prey, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce.
And it always pounces.
Sometimes it’s the smell of a pan on the stove, so similar to the stench of burning foil. The kind I used to freebase, sucking cocaine and baking soda vapors through a metal straw or a dirty dollar bill.
Other times, it’s a simple thought that does it. Secretly, I worry that one day, my love for Chase and my willpower won’t be enough.
Alex’s fingers caress the scattered marks along my arm, hidden from the eye but easy to feel when you press a little deeper. Heroin was something I fell into after I ran away from home, when the misery of losing my family was salt pouring into my infected wounds, making the pain too much to bear.
“I never thought I’d be that girl, you know?” I continue.
He shakes his head. “ What girl?”
Irritation prods at my nerves and my tone comes across harsh. “A fucking junkie. What do you think?” Disgust crawls up my throat, wrapping around my esophagus like a noose. “You talked about your family being controlling and caring about image, well…” A bitter laugh escapes my lips, my chest cracking from the memories. “My birth mom was the opposite of that.”
“She had a drug problem?” he asks.
I nod. “I—my memories of her are faded. But I remember what it did to my brother. What she did to him. What…” My voice fades, but the unsaid words linger in the air.
What I did to him.
The thought of my brother is a tidal wave of grief, pulling me under until I drown.
“Is Chase why you got sober?”
My stomach twists, but then I pause, realizing he doesn’t know that Chase. He’s obviously asking about my baby boy.
My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth as I nod. “The thought—” My voice catches on the rough edges of my words, and I take a deep breath to try again. “The thought of something similar happening to Chase because of me makes my heart feel like it’s splitting in half.”
He hums. “You’re a good mom.”
I huff out a breath, reaching over to rub at my opposite wrist. I hit Alex’s hand instead, and he grabs on, interlocking our fingers.
“You think?” My throat swells. “Sometimes I think about how easy it would be to become a bad one.”
His hand squeezes mine, and maybe it’s because he’s not judging or maybe it’s because it feels good to finally talk about it, but I can’t stop the next words from spewing out of my mouth. “It was just coke at first. A line here and there to take the edge off. But then…you know how it goes.” I shrug.
He cocks his head. “Why don’t you tell me, anyway?”
I stare down at our entwined hands, not wanting to look him in the eyes as I talk, too afraid of what I’ll see. “I liked the way it felt. Suddenly, I didn’t have to pretend, you know? Didn’t have to consciously put the extra bounce in my step or the gigantic smile on my face because it was just there. And after years of pretending, of being this gigantic bubble of energy, it was relieving to have something else holding the mask in place. To hide the pain somewhere even I couldn’t reach.”
“Pain from what?” Alex whispers.
I open my mouth but emotion clogs the airway, a phantom pain rippling across my chest.
“I don’t wanna talk about that.” I shake my head. “I can’t .”
He nods, bringing my hand to his mouth.
His lips are surprisingly soft when they graze against my skin, but the impact is the harshest I’ve ever felt. It creates an inferno of fire that rages through my veins, melting away the chains that lock up my vulnerabilities, keeping them in the dark.
Alex’s lips move farther, skimming across my wrist, and I collect his kisses like candy. One for every scar. One for every mark.
It’s minimal what he’s doing, but really, it’s fucking everything .
My body vibrates, regret for my weakness and arousal from his attention spinning a twisted, sick web inside of me, tossing my stomach and creating an ache between my thighs.
“Wh-what are you doing?” I stutter.
“Kissing you,” he replies, his voice deep.
“Why?” I choke out.
He pauses, his breath hot as it wafts over my wrist, his eyes gazing up at me from under his lashes. “Because you deserve to be kissed.”
My heart catapults, smashing any restraint I had on the way down. I yank my arm free and grab his face, pulling until the top half of his body hovers in front of mine, my hands framing his jaw.
His free hand comes up, his thumb pressing firmly against my bottom lip. “I plan to kiss every part of you, little bird.”
I suck in a breath, the moment tense and strained, my eyes darting between his, searching for the truth in his words. I’m not sure if I find it, but something snaps inside of me—a dam that’s been fracturing for weeks—Alex being the culprit behind the break. And as the water floods through my system and drowns my reservations, I surge forward, our lips meeting in a frenzy.
He groans, the sound deep and gravelly, scraping along my insides and lighting my nerves on fire. My fingers thread through the hair at the nape of his neck, needing something to grasp on to.
Wrapping his arms around my middle, his calloused palms slide underneath my shirt, the cold metal of his rings a shock to my heated skin. He jerks me roughly until our bodies are plastered together, our chests dancing with heavy breaths. His tongue darts out, swiping at my bottom lip, and I moan, sucking it into my mouth and twirling it around my own, the base of my stomach crackling with sparks that send shock waves through my body.
He leans farther into me, forcing me to lie back on the couch, his hand slipping around my head until his fingers thread through the strands of my hair.
And then…he pulls.
The sharp sting is a jolt to my system, causing a gasp to leave my mouth. The harsh tugging causes a flood of desire to shoot through my veins and pool between my legs.
“How do you like it, little bird?” he rasps against my ear.
“Rough.” The word tumbles out before I can give it a second thought, and while maybe I should be embarrassed admitting my fantasies, I’m too turned on to care.
He smirks, and it sends a thrill spiraling through me. I’ve never told anyone what I think about when I’m at the height of my own pleasure, and I know that after the high wears off, I’ll come back down to earth and I’ll be disgusted with myself. With my sick thoughts, stemming from something that happened once upon a time.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Still, Alex makes me feel safe. Makes me feel like he can be trusted. The pulsing of my clit and the throbbing of my womb has me whispering more secrets than I intended to spill in the space between us.
He pulls back, staring down at me, his eyes flaring with so much heat they singe my soul.
His hips press into mine, the thick outline of his cock lining up perfectly against my center.
My heart rams against my ribs, and the little bit of logic I had left flees, replaced with the anticipation of him giving me what I want.
What I need.
His lips dip down again, his teeth biting into my collarbone hard enough to bruise, and he thrusts.
“Oh God ,” I pant.
“There’s no God here, little bird. It’s just you and me.”
His palm runs up the outside of my thigh, goose bumps springing all over my body. He continues his trek over the top of my leg, grazing the line just above my pants and then working his way down until he cups my pussy over the fabric. “Do you want me here?”
My lungs compress until I’m dizzy from the lack of air, and I nod.
“Use your words. Tell me you want my cock or you won’t get it.”
“I want you to…” Heat floods my cheeks, and I turn my head to the side.
His hand shoots to my face, gripping it tight as he turns it back toward his. “Don’t hide from me, Lily.” He drops his body weight until it rests fully against mine, his breath tickling the hairs on my neck as he leans in close.
“Tell me all your secrets, little bird,” he whispers in my ear.
It’s the same thing he said earlier, and while I won’t tell him everything, maybe I can tell him this.
My stomach shoots to my throat, my hands suddenly clammy, anxiety wringing my insides tight. But then his fingers squeeze my jaw, forcing me to lock on to his gaze, and a calmness washes over.
And that makes the words flow off my tongue. “I want you to take it.”
Quick as a flash of lightning his demeanor changes, his body somehow growing larger as his hand leaves my face and moves down. His fingers wrap around my neck, my pulse jumping under his palm.
He squeezes.
A sharp shot of arousal spikes through my middle and my mouth parts on a gasp.
“So responsive.” He smiles.
“You made me.” I laugh.
His grip tightens again and my giggle cuts off from the pressure.
“I’m starting to think you were made for me,” he says.
And then he leans in and steals my shocked gasp with a kiss.