26. Lily
TWENTY-SIX
LILY
I’m embarrassed. It flows through my veins like lava, heating my core and spreading through every limb.
It’s been twenty minutes since Alex brought me back from the brink, and he hasn’t moved from his spot. One arm is wrapped tightly around my waist, the other cradling the back of my head, our naked bodies intertwined as I break apart in his arms. And now that the heaviest of sobs have been wracked from my body, I feel…drained. Disgusting. Vulnerable.
Seen.
Lifting my head, I look at Alex, my heart rubbing against my raw edges with every fractured beat. I thought I could do it. Be normal. I thought that with him, maybe it would be different because I feel so different. Turns out, I’m just as broken as I’ve always been.
Only, I’ve never had someone who cared . Never had someone pull me back from the darkness to give me what I need. And now he’s staring at me like I’m precious. Holding me like I’m important . It makes my insides cramp, old wounds aching, because I didn’t know. I never realized that this is what it could feel like. This is what it should have felt like all along.
Alex felt me missing and he brought me back. The sharp sting of his cock splitting me open, and his hand squeezing my throat until I couldn’t breathe lifted me from the fog.
He gave me what I asked for and, by doing so, gave me something I didn’t know I needed. Him.
But I feel sick.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”
His hand smooths down the back of my head, his fingertips continuing until they trace the edge of my jaw. Chills trickle through my body at his touch. “For what?” he asks.
My throat swells and I choke out the words, tears blurring my vision. “I don’t know.”
“I’ve never had anyone cry after I gave them an orgasm,” he jokes.
A giggle bursts out of me, chipping away small pieces of my shame, disintegrating them to dust.
His thumb brushes my cheek. “Do you want to talk about things now or later?”
My lungs squeeze tight because, the truth is, I’d rather not talk about it at all. But I’m realizing that when it comes to Alex, avoidance isn’t a subject he’s willing to entertain. And it’s in this moment that full realization hits.
I trust him .
He pulls out the darkest parts of me and loves them until they sparkle.
“Is never an option?” I peer at him from under my lashes.
He chuckles. “Not if you ever want me to touch you again.”
My stomach pulls like taffy, twisting and tearing, while I try to reach deep and find the strength to explain why I am the way I am. “Sex is…” I swallow. “Hard for me.”
He nods, his hand going back to my head, pulling me farther into his embrace. I rest my cheek on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat pumping courage through my veins.
“No one has ever cared before.” My insides blaze, flames licking up my throat, making me want to stop the words. But I push through the fire, allowing myself to feel the burn. Because Alex deserves to know the whole truth. Because, for the first time, I wonder if sharing some of the burden would stop it from crushing my bones beneath its weight. “My mind’s fucked-up.”
His body shifts, his palms soothing as they trail along my body. “So is mine.”
Shaking my head against him, my fingers tap a nervous rhythm on his torso. “No, I mean…I had—there have been a lot of things happen to me that I prefer to forget. And I…sometimes sex recreates those memories, and my brain turns off like a switch.”
His hands stop their caress, and after a tense moment he asks, “So that you don’t remember?”
I shrug. “I guess. I don’t really know.”
“And the role-playing?”
I shrug again, the claws of shame threatening to rip old wounds and drown me in their blood. “I don’t know. I just…it’s the only way I’ve ever been able to come, so…”
“I thought you told me you had never actually done it.”
Nausea rolls deep in my stomach, shooting up my throat like a gunshot, souring my mouth. I curl into him tighter. “I haven’t,” I whisper.
His body tenses, but otherwise, he shows no reaction. He doesn’t push for more than what I’m able to give, and it makes my chest swell with warmth, so fucking thankful that he gets what I need without me having to speak the words.
“And what we did,” he continues, his voice rumbling in his chest, and sinking into my bones. “That was okay?”
My cheeks heat, arousal curling through my womb at the memory. “That was more than okay. It was…incredible.” I pause, anxiety forming a thought in my head and trickling through my body like a leaky faucet. “But if it was too much for you then we—I can try harder to like the other way too. I get that it’s not n?—”
His mouth presses against mine, cutting off my words. “Stop speaking,” he mutters against my lips. He rolls over until he’s hovering on top of me, keeping us connected with his tongue.
I’ve rarely been kissed, but the few times I have pale in comparison.
Alex kisses me like he’s reaching inside my chest and stealing my breath for his own. Like he’d let the world burn if only I’d ask him for the ashes.
Finally, he breaks away, his eyes roaming over my face, the weight of his body pressing on mine the only thing tethering me to the ground.
“I’m going to say something, and I need you to listen to me.” His palm runs down my hair again, and I lean into his touch. His other hand grips my chin, his thumb pressing into my bottom lip. “Being with you is what I like. However you need. However you want. Getting you off gets me off. Feeling you…learning all the different parts of you—” He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “It’s a fucking gift. I’ll be whatever you need me to be.”
My chest spasms, stomach warming. Emotion swirls in the center of my gut like fog, unfurling through my body, filling up the empty space. My hand lifts, fingers scratching against his stubble. “And who gets to be what you need?”
His eyes flash with heat, his lips turning up in the corner. His hand moves from my chin, skimming up my cheek and wrapping around the back of my neck. Leaning in, his nose brushes against mine, the moment thick with a tender energy.
“You’re the only thing I need, little bird.”
He says it like a promise, and he seals it with a kiss.