41. Lily
FORTY-ONE
LILY
My wrist is rubbed raw, but it doesn’t stop me from scratching at its surface, deepening the wound until it burns as sharply as my insides. Luckily, I’m well versed in boxing emotions and shoving them to a corner. And when they get too big to handle or they break out of their shell, I take their place, closing my eyes and slipping into the darkness, muting everything around me so I don’t have to feel the lockjaw of their bite.
Alex…Mason…whatever the hell his name is lied to me. He’s a liar.
I’ve had a lot of people take advantage of me in my life. A lot of trauma I’m not sure I’ll ever truly overcome. A lot of abuse at the hands of men who said they loved me.
Love.
What a bullshit word. What a bullshit concept. If this is love, I’d rather drown in someone’s hatred. At least then, I’d know what to expect.
As I sit in Chase’s motel room, adjacent to the one Jax has for himself, my mind replays every moment. My rose-tinted glasses are shattered, eyeballs bleeding from the memories. His smiles turn sinister in my mind when I realize the entire reason he introduced himself was because he was being paid to.
He never loved me. He just used me, like everyone else before him.
Shame bubbles under my skin at how easily he manipulated me into believing he was different. That he was someone I could trust. Bile teases the back of my throat, my head growing dizzy when I think of all the things I told him. Things I’ve never told another soul. All of my fragile vulnerabilities held in the palm of his hand, being stroked into a false security before he went in for the kill.
A bird with broken wings still believing they can fly.
Fuck him.
Idly, I wonder if he passed along my secrets. I stare across the motel room at my brother, questioning whether I should feel ashamed for the things he may know.
And my Chase—my sweet baby boy—who will be absolutely devastated to lose the only man he’s ever had in his life. The only other person who’s ever shown him love.
Guilt slashes through my middle and threatens to swallow me whole. I’m so gullible. My entire life has been shaped by men who lie and cheat and manipulate . And there I stand, in the eye of the hurricane, not realizing I’m surrounded by a storm.
Was everything a lie? The girl at the gas station called him Alexander, so for my sanity, I hold on to that small thread of hope that at least that one thing wasn’t a complete fabrication.
Confusion swims in my veins, making an ache pulse between my eyes, stomach heaving at the way my thoughts scramble. Like a ride at a carnival, I’m strapped in and spun around with nowhere to go but in circles.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Chase asks, sitting in the desk chair, his phone hanging from his hand.
I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak. I feel stupid and reckless. Like I’m stuck in a nightmare, my conscience shaking my shoulders and screaming “wake up!” but unable to actually force myself awake.
I need to call Derek.
I need to hold my baby boy.
What I don’t need is to talk.
“Did he…” Chase swallows. “I’m sorry I sent him if he hurt you.” His eyes look up to meet mine. “But I’m not sorry for tracking you down.”
My teeth grind as I try to hold back the pain of my broken heart.
I stand, the stiff mattress creaking from the sudden movement and wipe my clammy hands on my thighs. “I’m gonna head out.”
Chase jerks to his feet, moving toward me. “What? No, you should stay for a while. We’ve barely talked.”
I grace him with a small smile, but I don’t have the motivation to hold it for long. “We’ll have time to talk. You guys are staying for a few days, right?”
He nods, his lips pursing. “I just… You promise you won’t run?”
My chest cramps at his question, realizing the scars he wears are ones I’ve caused. I was selfish back then, lost in the bottom of my addiction.
“I promise.” I say the words softly, walking over and squeezing his shoulder.
While I was caught off guard by him showing up and I’m still off-kilter from him shoving his way back in my life, I’m grateful he’s here to hold me through the hardship.
You and me against the world.
My throat swells and I back away, heading to the door. “Tell Jax I said bye. You guys can come over tomorrow night, but I work all day.”
“Where do you work?”
“Dina’s Diner. I’m a waitress.”
He blows out a breath. “God, it’s so wild to have you in front of me. You look so…” He shakes his head.
I cock a brow, twisting to face him. “‘So’ what?”
“Healthy.” He sucks on his teeth. “I always thought you did before, but you never looked like this . You just—I didn’t pay enough attention back then.”
His words slam into the center of my chest, forcing the breath from my lungs. I swallow down the hurt, pasting a smile on my face. It’s thin and it causes the muscles in my cheeks to cramp from the effort. “Yeah, well…you were busy with other things.”
The sour tang in my words doesn’t go unnoticed, his eyes narrowing the slightest bit. “You have no idea wh?—”
“It doesn’t matter.” I cut him off, not wanting to get into another conversation. My soul can’t bear the weight.
When I reach the door, a sharp throb in my chest has me leaning my head against the door. “Look.” I speak into the wood. “I didn’t ask for you to come here. I know I’ve made mistakes.” My voice cracks. “I know I hurt you.” I suck in a shaky breath. “But you stopped seeing me long before I left. You stopped caring first.”
“I never stopped caring.”
“Bullshit!” I snap, anger rushing through my veins and flushing my cheeks. I spin around. “You were so focused on perfect fucking princess Alina that I could have cut a line at the dinner table, and you would have turned the other way.”
His body deflates and he falls back into his chair. “That’s not fair.”
“Life’s not fair.” I shrug. And then I twist the handle and walk out the door, stumbling through my feelings, trying like hell to keep my head above ground.
I make the long trek back to my house, wiping stray tears from my eyes and trying to pull it together before I get to Susan’s. And even though I’m breaking—tearing apart at the seams—a small wisp of hope dangles like a hangnail, jagged and sharp but too painful to pull.
For the rest of the night, my ears strain, longing to hear the rumble of an engine and a knock at my door.
But the sounds never come. And I’m left with broken dreams and disappointment.