45. Lily
FORTY-FIVE
LILY
Jax left Raindale after the first weekend, but Chase stayed for the next two weeks. It’s been an adjustment to having him back in my life but a nice distraction, nonetheless. Still, I can’t help feeling like we’re circling around each other’s orbit, unsure of how to break into the atmosphere. Maybe he’s too afraid to push, not wanting me to change my decision about going home, and I’m too afraid of being vulnerable enough to tell him that I don’t have any other choices. So instead, we keep it surface level.
I finished my last shift at Dina’s two days ago and said a tearful goodbye to Annabelle, who wrote her number down on a sticky note and shoved it in my hands, making me promise to get a cell phone so we could text.
And now, all three of us are packed into his black Ford truck, equipped with a brand-new car seat, and driving down the main stretch of Sugarlake. Baby Chase is at the age where he doesn’t quite grasp what’s going on, but I’ve been thankful that he’s had his uncle here to help mute Mason’s absence. But the past week he’s started to ask when he’s coming back.
Mason. It’s hard to think of him that way, but anytime I remember his soft words or the rough grip of his hands, I repeat the name like a mantra—a whip cracking against my back, lashing me with the reminder of his lies.
My forehead presses against the cool window, my eyes soaking up the town that changed my life forever. The place I never thought I’d see again. It’s thriving, businesses on Main Street open and beautiful, the sentimentality of the small town bleeding through the air and suffocating my lungs. My mind goes foggy, flashbacks of a similar moment, years ago, when Chase and I first moved here with Sam and Anna.
“Tennessee is so pretty. I bet it’s the prettiest state in the whole universe,” I say, watching the vibrant colors of the landscape pass by the window as we drive to our new home.
Chase smirks. “That’s just because you don’t remember living anywhere else.”
He’s right; I don’t. The memories of our time in Chicago, back when we lived with our birth mother, are murky at best.
“Whatever, doesn’t matter. I’m sure it wasn’t like this.” I point to the mountain range through the window, a sense of peace filling up my chest, the calmest I’ve ever felt in my whole entire life.
Anna, our new foster mom, glances back from the passenger seat. “I’ve always loved Tennessee too, Lily.” Her accent is thick, but after years of living in Tennessee, I’ve gotten used to the twang. “I think you’ll really like it in Sugarlake. You know, that’s where I grew up as a little girl.”
My mind fills with visions of a young Anna, with two loving parents, and her wide smiling face as she played in her front yard and waved hi to all her neighbors. All I’ve ever wanted is to have a home like that. Maybe now, I will.
She glances at her husband, Sam, and my eyes fall to where he squeezes her knee, my heart clenching at the movement.
“I’m so happy you two are here with us to experience it.”
Emotion ricochets off my insides at the memory, back when I truly believed there was light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, back then, I hadn’t realized what happened to me wasn’t okay. My body felt the trauma that my brain couldn’t yet grasp. It was only as I started to mature that I realized it wasn’t normal for a forty-year-old man to touch me between my legs and tell me how much he loved me. That it wasn’t normal for my body to tear and bleed, making it difficult to hide the pain when I walked. That it wasn’t normal for me to like the way it felt when he rewarded me for keeping quiet.
Disgust crawls up my throat, wrapping around my neck, and I push the feeling aside, not wanting to face the shame that is my past. But being back in Sugarlake makes it hard to ignore.
Chase looks over at me, his fingers tapping against his steering wheel.
“You doing okay?” he asks me.
I nod, swallowing around the emotion. “Yeah. Being back here is a trip, though.” My fingers scratch at my wrist. “I guess I’m a little nervous.”
He bobs his head. “I was too when I came back for the first time.”
My brows draw in, my gaze snapping to him. I assumed he never left. “What do you mean came back ?”
His brows lift. “It’s been a long time, Lil. Life still happened even when you were gone. And things happened here that I—” He grips the roots of his hair. “I had to leave for a while. It took a lot of work, personal work, to get to a place where I could come back. Where I felt whole enough to be here.”
“Did—” I pause, the question heavy and sticking on my tongue. “Did Lee go with you?”
My heart beats double time in my chest, unsure what I want the answer to be. Years of separation and life experience may have dulled the pain of them hooking up behind my back, but their betrayal still exists like scars that twinge when touched.
Chase blows out a breath. “Goldi is the love of my life, Lily.”
Amusement bubbles in my chest at that stupid nickname. “She still hate it when you call her that?”
He smirks. “She loves it when I call her that.”
I giggle, and it makes him smile, and I grab on to the lightness of the moment, hoping beyond hope that there’s a trail being blazed for our healing.
His chuckles die down, and he sighs as we roll to a stop at a red light. “I wasn’t the man that Goldi deserved for a long time, so when I left…I left without her.”
My heart falters as I watch the pain flit through his eyes, his forehead wrinkling. For the first time, I wonder about the stories my brother has to tell, and there’s a hollow ache inside of me, a missing piece that won’t ever be found, knowing I missed being around to hear them.
“But you got her back,” I state.
“I got her back,” he agrees, a blinding smile blooming on his face. “And now she’s gonna be my wife.”
My brows rise, but the words themselves aren’t that surprising. “Honestly, shocked you aren’t already married,” I mutter.
He blows out a breath. “We had a lot of work to do to get to that point.” He glances at me. “Losing you, it fucked me up, Lily.”
I glance at baby Chase, making sure he’s still asleep, before moving my attention back.
“I’m not blaming you,” he continues. “But I wasn’t healthy after you were gone. Honestly, wasn’t healthy before. I had to work on me before I was able to be there for her. And you know how Goldi gets.”
I roll my eyes, because yeah , even though I haven’t seen her in years, there are pieces of personality that are fundamental. And Alina May Carson has stubborn in spades.
“Selfish?” I ask, unable to keep the barb in.
His jaw muscles tic, his grip tightening on the wheel. “She’s been through a lot.”
I lift my shoulders. If he’s looking for sympathy, he won’t find it in me. “Haven’t we all?”
The fact of the matter is that Lee was my best friend for years, my first real friend. And from the moment she stomped into my front yard and introduced herself, we were inseparable. Which is why it hurt so bad to find her with Chase. The two most important people in my life, loving each other so hard that they didn’t leave any love for me.
It’s what made it so easy to slip away.
I blow out a shaky breath, my fingers tapping against my tattoo of Wiggles. “Is she gonna be there?” I wave my arm toward the front window of the car. “At your place, I mean?”
His brows furrow. “I mean…yeah, Lil. She lives there. I’m not gonna ask her to leave.”
I force a smile onto my face. “No, of course not. It’s fine.” Anxiety snaps like rubber bands against my stomach. “We’re gonna have to get it over with, eventually, right? Sooner is better than later, I guess.”
He grins. “Exactly.”
We pull into a driveway. “This your place?”
He smiles. “Only for a couple more months while I build our house.”
I nod, not surprised at all that he’s working construction. Our adopted father, Sam, owns Sugarlake Construction Company. He always wanted Chase to follow in his footsteps. “You work for Sam?”
“He wishes.” The side of his mouth tilts. “No, I run the company now. He’s retired.”
Nerves simmer low in my belly at the thought of seeing Sam and Anna. There’s so much I missed out on. So many people who I know I hurt when I left.
I see the front door open from the corner of my eye and I glance over, my heart beating so hard it jumps to my throat. A bright-eyed, blond-haired woman stands in the doorway, a gigantic smile splitting her face in half. Chase’s entire demeanor softens as he takes her in, and I can’t help the pangs of envy that bang against my insides.
He turns to me. “You ready?”
I swallow, my hands shaky from the nerves. “As I’ll ever be.”
Taking a deep breath, I unbuckle my seat belt and get ready to face my past.