47. Lily
FORTY-SEVEN
LILY
I can’t remember a time in my life that was more uncomfortable than this moment right here, sitting across the table from Lee while she sips her tea, staring me in the eyes, not saying a word. My hands wrap around the hot mug placed in front of me, hoping the warmth can seep through my body and stop the chill that’s racing down my spine. I’m having a hard time keeping it together. Seeing Lee in person sends pinpricks of irritation stabbing along my sides until the wounds from years ago feel like they’re fresh slices on my skin.
She takes another sip, her mouth slurping as she drinks from her cup, the sound grating on my nerves.
Finally, she sets down her mug, a soft smile blooming across her face as she looks at me. “Hi.”
Annoyance rolls like a ball in my chest, and I struggle to tamp down the urge to bite out a smart retort. But this is her home, and regardless of our personal relationship, I’m grateful she’s letting us stay. But if she thinks we can just pick up where we left off a decade ago, then she’s in for a rude awakening.
“Hi,” I force out.
Her nails tap on the tabletop, faint giggles floating from the living room, baby Chase having stolen his uncle away immediately, demanding a tour of his new home.
When we first walked in, his eyes widened, and my already-bruised heart squeezed tight, knowing he’d never seen such a nice house. But we’ve never had the luxury of a comfortable life. My baby hasn’t been graced with stability, and guilt spins me around in its tornado, ripping me up from the roots.
What if he grows up and resents me?
What if I can’t provide him the life he sees here?
What if, what if, what if?
I swallow back the burn rising up my throat and meet Lee’s eyes. She looks as good as she always did, but there’s a melancholy sheen to her gaze now, one that wasn’t there when we were kids. We were always different. Where she was truly the embodiment of innocence, like sweet cherry pie at the end of a meal, I was just an expert at presenting it, my insides rotted and sour. But somehow, her light attracted the darkest parts of me, making me want to embody everything she was. Lee was living the life I always dreamed of. She was the girl I always wanted to be. And she made me feel like the weight I constantly carried in my heart wouldn’t always feel so heavy.
Odd, how you can be so close to someone, and then suddenly, they’re nothing more than a memory. Soul sisters to strangers in the blink of an eye.
“He’s adorable,” Lee continues, her head tilting in the direction of my son.
I force a smile. “Thank you.”
My voice is strained, but I don’t know how else to be. It’s difficult for me to pretend. I just don’t have the energy, my emotions drained dry from the past few weeks. I don’t want to hate her, but I’m having a hard time finding any peace with what she’s done.
She puffs out her cheeks. “Dang, Lily, this is crazy.”
I tilt my head. “What is, exactly?”
She waves her hand toward me. “ Seein’ you here. I never thought we’d—” She cuts off midsentence, clearing her throat. Her hand reaches out to cover mine on top of the table.
My eyes lock on where we touch, my stomach tensing at the feel.
“It’s real good to have you home again.”
My eyebrow quirks. “Is it?”
She withdraws her hand. “I know it makes Chase happy.”
“And you?”
She swallows. “Of course I’m happy, Lily. You were my best friend, even if at the end, things weren’t so great.”
I scoff, and her eyes narrow.
“I still missed you when you were gone. Before that, if I’m honest.”
“Honesty,” I spit. “What a concept.”
She bites into her lower lip, chewing until it’s red. “Do you really wanna talk about this right now? I mean, I’m game.” She puts her hands out to her sides. “I’m ready to dive in whenever you are, girlfriend, but you just got here, and I know things ended up bein’…” She trails off, and my insides tense.
“Ended up being what?”
“ Different than you expected. You know, with Mason and all.”
My hurt flares to life like a diamond glinting in the sun, and I snap before I can think better of it. “You know nothing about Mason. And you know nothing about what I’ve been through. All you know is the girl I let you know, which, fucking news flash, Lee, wasn’t real.”
Lee’s eyes harden as she leans back in her chair. “Don’t you sit there and pretend like you weren’t true with me, Lily Ann Adams. I know you were.”
My lips curl. “I wasn’t. But you were so busy with yourself, you never took the time to see it.”
“Ouch,” she whispers.
My hand presses into my stomach, trying to ease the ache. “Yeah, well.” I shrug.
“Everything okay in here?” Chase’s voice comes from the hallway, a beaming toddler dangling from his hip.
Lee’s eyes bore holes into my face, and I clench my jaw, refusing to meet her gaze, the wounds too fresh from everything that’s gone unsaid. She sighs and stands up, walking next to Chase and squeezing his arm. “Everything is peachy keen, jelly bean. I’m gonna start supper.” She turns toward me. “There are some people who wanna come see you tomorrow for lunch, but if you’re more comfortable with me tellin’ them no, then I will.” She puts her hand on her hip. “I know you may not wanna believe it, Lily, but I love you. I always have, even when we hurt each other. And more than anything else in this world, I want you to feel welcome here.”
Guilt spears my middle, her words slamming against my wall of hurt and making it shake, the edges starting to crumble. But the word love stopped mattering when Mason shattered what it meant.
I don’t feel like it’s my place to tell them not to have people come over, so even though the thought of seeing everyone at once makes my nerves tighten and my veins beg for the kind of numb only drugs can provide, I don’t tell them no.
“They can all come. I don’t mind.” I paste a smile on my face. “It will be good to see them. I’m sure we all have things to say.”
* * *
A few hours later, baby Chase and I have settled into the guest bedroom. It’s a temporary situation, obviously, but until I can figure out what to do for money, I’m thankful for the place to stay.
I lean down on the bed, kissing my baby boy’s head as he sleeps, knowing the excitement of the day has knocked him out. After that disastrous first meeting with Lee, I’ve tucked myself away, trying to find some silent moments. But the calm doesn’t stop the thunderclouds from rolling in, and tonight promises rain.
There’s a knock on the door and I walk to it, putting a finger to my mouth when I see Chase, letting him know to stay quiet. I step into the hall, leaving the door slightly ajar.
“Hey,” Chase whispers. “You okay?”
I nod, pulling my hair back into a ponytail. “I’m good, dude. Who all is coming for lunch tomorrow?”
Anxiety pools low in my stomach, not wanting to face everyone, but knowing I don’t have a choice.
Chase’s eyes flash, the space between his brows wrinkling. “Becca and Jax, of course. And then Lee’s brother and Blakely, Jax’s girl.”
“Oh.” My fingers rub against my wrist, insides winding tight. What the hell have I gotten myself into?
“I just wanted to check in and make sure everything was okay. I don’t…” He sighs, resting his hands on his head. “I don’t want to overwhelm you, but I figured it was just best to…I don’t know.”
“Rip the Band-Aid off?” I raise my brows.
He smiles. “Yeah, I guess.”
I wave him off. “Really, Chase, it’s fine. I’ll have to face everyone at some point anyway, right? I just…”
“Just what?”
My heart clenches tight, my chest aching from all of heavy emotions that have played out in my life over the past few weeks. “I just don’t want everyone to hate me.”
His lips turn down. “Nobody hates you, Lily. We’re all here because we fucking love you.”
Love. There’s that goddamn word again.
“Listen.” He lowers his voice. “I wasn’t going to bring this up until later, but I have this therapist.”
I choke on a cough. “A therapist?”
He smirks. “Yes, a fucking therapist, Lily. One you probably should pay half the damn bills for, considering you’re a big subject of conversation.”
The guilt wraps around me like a ribbon.
“Anyway, I’d really like us to go together and have group sessions, if that’s something you’d be willing to do?” He breaks eye contact, his cheeks flushing slightly as he asks, and my heart stutters, knowing how difficult this must be for him.
Therapy. I’ve never thought about it before, but there’s nothing I want more in this world than to heal the divide between us. My brother was the most important person in my life at one time, and I’ve missed him every day. If he asks me to go to therapy, if he thinks there’s a chance for healing between us, then I’ll follow his lead and do what he wants. Even though the idea scares me shitless.
I nod. “Of course.”
He blows out a breath, a smile breaking across his face. “Okay, yeah. Yes. Great.” He bounces slightly on the balls of his feet. “Okay, I’m gonna go see if Goldi needs help with anything. You good?”
I smile bright until the muscles in my cheeks pinch. “I’m good.”
And when he walks away, I head back into my room and slink inside, collapsing against the back of the door and muffling the scream—pushing it back down, where no one can hear it.