51. Lily
FIFTY-ONE
LILY
Lunch goes surprisingly well, but even without the animosity I expected, even though they’re welcoming me back, kid in tow, there’s still a gaping hole that’s throbbing in the middle of my chest from being all alone, surviving heartbreak while being surrounded by loving relationships.
It’s hard to not feel like the odd man out.
I can’t help the punch to my gut at the realization that their lives moved on without me, as if I wasn’t here to begin with. Pleasant looks and polite smiles come my way, but I don’t get to laugh at the inside jokes. I don’t get to feel like one of their puzzle pieces, the way they all seem to effortlessly click together. A well-oiled machine they’ve had years to perfect.
And then there’s me, surrounded by love but never really getting to know it.
Although, if I’m honest with myself, that’s not quite true.
I’ve known love. I’ve felt it in the depths of my soul. Laid it in the palm of somebody’s hand while they held my broken fragments and pretended I was whole.
Even if it was all a lie.
Grief claws at my insides, the memory of the way he felt—the way life felt with him—causing a sharp pain to radiate across my chest, settling low in my gut.
As mad as I am, as disappointed and betrayed as I feel, part of me still had hope he would at least try to explain himself. But maybe he was waiting for the first excuse to leave.
Or maybe he knew there was nothing real worth saving.
I sit at the outdoor table after putting Chase down for a nap, the baby monitor gripped tightly in my hand. Clinking glass draws my attention.
Chase stands behind Lee at the head of the table, a grin on both of their faces. “Everybody, listen up,” Chase shouts. “You guys already know my long-lost baby sister is finally back home.” His eyes narrow. “Where she fucking belongs.”
My cheeks flush as I grin, raising my water glass in a toast.
His face breaks into a smile and Jax lets out a giant whoop, making Blakely burst out in a fit of laughter. It spreads around the rest of the table, a ball of warmth bouncing around in the middle of my stomach.
“But that’s not the only reason we wanted everyone to get together,” Chase continues. “I’d love to say you’re all gonna be the first to know, but we already told our parents…and Lily, so…you’re almost the first to know.”
“Saving the best for last!” Jax cuts in again.
“Exactly.” Chase’s hand grips Lee’s shoulder, and I cock my head, thinking about Lee’s parents for the first time in years. I wonder how they are. Her mom was always one of my favorite people, always doling out life lessons like they were pieces of her famous banana bread.
Lee’s eyes sparkle. “We’re gettin’ hitched, y’all!” She takes a ring out of her pocket and slips it on her finger, beaming from ear to ear.
Becca shrieks, jumping up from her chair. “Holy shit ! The bastard finally asked!”
Everyone bursts out laughing again, even me, and for the first time all night, I feel like I’m part of something. Like this is family .
I didn’t expect everyone to be so forgiving. So…grown. So matured. Becca rushes over to grab Lee in a hug, and I don’t miss the way Lee’s mouth tightens and her skin pales.
Not pregnant, my ass.
Blakely clears her throat. “Well, I know I’m the newest member of the group, but I just want to say how happy I am to be part of this. Anyone who stands next to you guys for even a second can see how absolutely in love you are, how you’re meant to be together.” She presses a hand to her chest, and Jax smiles at her, his heart pouring through his eyes as he leans in and kisses her right on the mouth.
My eyes tear up at Blakely’s words, my gaze swinging over to Chase and Lee, watching them together. At the way whenever she moves, he follows. Like they’re two halves of a whole, complementing each other in perfect harmony.
Suddenly, realization smacks me in the face.
I feel like the villain.
I’ve never wanted to make my brother choose between who he loves and me, and looking back now, I realize that’s exactly what I did. My chest cramps and I decide that whatever I need to do, whatever I need to work on, I’ll do it. So I can come to a place of understanding. Of acceptance. Because I’m tired of being angry.
Becca sits back down next to Eli, and Lee stares up at Chase with a smile, her diamond glinting under the sun. My heart squeezes.
“I don’t want anything fancy,” she says. “Just all of y’all there. I only wish—” Her voice cuts off, infusing the air with melancholy.
Lee’s eyes meet Eli’s across the table, and I follow her gaze, watching as he swallows, gripping Becca’s hand tight.
“I just wish Mama were still here to see it.”
Her words steal the breath from my lungs, my gasp audible enough to where all eyes turn on me. I cover my mouth with my hands, feeling stupid as fuck that I drew their attention, but I can’t help it. Hearing about Lee’s mom not being here anymore, someone who was a second mother to me…
I wasn’t here.
Because of my choices.
Lee’s eyes soften. “Oh, I guess that’s right. You wouldn’t know.”
My fingers scratch at my wrist, trying to ease the pain from the new strike against my heart. “I’m so sorry,” I say.
She smiles and shrugs. “It happened a long time ago. And over the years, I’ve learned that she’s never really gone.” Her eyes land on Eli’s again, her palm pressing down on her chest. “She’s right here, livin’ on through all of us.”
“Now that, I believe,” Blakely says, piping up. “I never had the pleasure of knowing her, but I still feel her in everything you do. From all the stories I’ve heard, it sounds like she was an amazing woman.”
“She was,” I say, everyone’s gaze turning toward me. “I mean.” I clear my throat. “She was amazing. She was…she was everything.” The tacky tendrils of sorrow for yet another person lost, for another thing I missed, wrap around my heart, its iron grip bruising. “I wish I had been here to say goodbye.”
Lee’s lips turn down in the corners, and she stands, walking over to where I am, plopping down in the seat next to me. She covers my hand with hers, the heat of her palm sending warmth up my arm. “She loved you, Lily, and she would be proud of the woman you are now.”
I scoff, tears bubbling up through my throat. “You don’t even know what kind of woman I am.”
“I know enough,” she says. “I know you’re a good mama. And I may not know what you’ve gone through, but I know you came out on the other side. Stronger. Mama would be proud of you.” She pauses, worrying her bottom lip. “We can go visit her grave, if you want to.”
My insides toss, not sure if I can. Not sure if I deserve to say goodbye after I left without it in the first place. I shrug, pulling out of her grasp. “Yeah, maybe. I think I’m gonna head inside.”
Jax stands up and stretches. “That’s a good idea. Let’s all go inside, watch a movie or something.”
My head pounds from the events of the day, but I don’t want to wake up baby Chase, so I stay in the living room with everyone else. Lee clicks on the TV and raises the remote to change the channel, but Jax interrupts her.
“Hey, wait a second, Lee.”
He leans forward, his eyes narrowing on the news station that’s playing. “I swear I’ve heard about this before.”
We all turn our attention to the screen, watching the newscasters talk about the presidential campaign.
“Hey, Chase, what was that PI’s name again?” Jax rubs his jaw.
My heart stalls in my chest, them talking about Mason so openly ripping open my middle, my bleeding heart exposed. My muscles pull tight, the craving for something to numb the pain so overpowering, it causes a physical ache to spread through my body.
“Mason, why?” Chase responds.
Jax’s eyes flicker to me as he shakes his head. “I don’t know. I thought he looked familiar when we saw him in Arizona and now…” He pauses, pointing at the TV, where they’re talking about the Republican frontrunner. A man named Senator Thomas Wells, from Oregon.
“Senator Wells is set for a press conference this afternoon at three p.m. This comes after weeks of speculation over his disappearance. Experts say they think we may have another instance of withdrawal from the candidacy. Ten years ago, Senator Wells dropped out after the devastating disappearance of his then nineteen-year-old son, Alexander Wells.”
A picture pops up on the screen, and Jax smacks his knee, his finger pointing again at the screen. “I knew he looked familiar.”
My heart crashes into my sternum, ricocheting off the walls and landing at my feet, nothing more than chewed-up dust.
Because even though the young man in the picture is polished and proper, I would know him anywhere.
That’s…
“His name was Alex,” I say.
And then I stand up, my vision blurring, as I race out of the room.