60. Lily
SIXTY
LILY
Baby Chase has decided that my life is a superhero movie. I go along with it, just happy he isn’t traumatized by seeing me beat black-and-blue. I take a bite of cereal, smiling as he explains to the room how his mom was saved by Spider-Man. The girls all came over for a “spa” day, which was really code for “make Lily feel less like shit.” But it’s been nice having them around, feeling like I belong.
Strange how tragedy can bring people together.
The front door opens, my eyes widening when Chase and Mason walk in, giggling with each other like schoolboys.
What the hell?
“Fucking finally ,” Jax groans, walking in from the living room. “I thought I was gonna have to spend the rest of the day listening to them talk about fashion.”
I snort into my cereal, and Blakely grins. “Jackson, I thought you loved when I share my fashion tastes.” She grins, and his eyes darken.
“Ugh, gag me. I’m gonna go call Eli,” Becca says, leaving the room.
“Where have you two been?” Lee asks, sipping from a glass of water.
Chase shrugs, and Mason takes off his jacket, one I have no clue how he wears in this heat. My insides flare as I take him in.
God, he makes it hard to be mad when he looks that good.
“Awex!” Chase squeals, scrambling off the barstool and running into his arms. The name is a shock to my system, already having gotten used to calling him Mason.
The biggest smile splits Mason’s face as he scoops up my baby boy and brings him to his chest, his eyes closing as he holds him tight. “Hey, little man. I missed you.”
Chase leans back, his little hands pressing into Mason’s cheeks. “You pwomised me a pancake tower.”
My heart expands, warmth flowing through my chest, and Mason laughs. “Yeah, buddy, I did.”
He adjusts him on his hip and walks farther into the kitchen, completely at ease in a roomful of strangers. His gaze locks on me.
I grin. “Sneaking off to bond with my brother now?”
He smiles back, lifting his shoulder. “We found some common ground.”
My brow quirks.
“Awex, did you know that Mommy was saved by Spiduh-Man?”
Mason’s focus goes back to the boy in his arms, and my stomach somersaults. How could I make my baby live without a man like Mason when it’s clear that he’s in love?
How can I live without him when it’s clear that I am too?
“Hey, Lily,” Lee says. “I don’t know if you’re up for it, but next week I’m headin’ to Mama’s grave if you wanna go with.”
My stomach tightens, but I nod, wanting to be able to face Mrs. Carson and pay my respects.
She beams at me. “Great!”
Blakely grins, excusing herself to follow Jax back into the living room.
“Seriously, where have you guys been?” I ask, taking in their rumpled forms.
Chase’s eyes harden as he stares at me. “I told you that he would never get to you again.”
My insides seize, the breath cutting from my lungs. My body jerks and a burn ravages my side, making me wince in pain. Mason steps forward, baby Chase still sitting on his hip, his eyes flashing with worry.
I put up my hand. “I’m okay, it’s just easy to forget I’m immobilized.” My chest squeezes. “Are you saying…?”
Mason nods. “He’s in custody. He has a lot of warrants, little bird. More than just charges against you.” He walks closer, stepping into me and brushing my hair behind my ear with his free hand. I lean into his touch, my eyes fluttering. “You’ll probably have to testify.”
I nod, sucking down the anxiety that swarms my veins like a beehive. “I’ll do whatever I need to make sure he leaves us alone for good.”
“Awex!” Chase interrupts the moment, bouncing in Mason’s arms. “Let’s pway.”
Mason grins. “Okay, little man.” He looks to me, and I wave them off. “That’s fine. I’m tired. I think I’ll go lie down.”
I can see in Mason’s face that he wants to go with me, but he respects our distance, waiting until I choose to let him back in.
“Hey, can we talk, Lil?” Chase asks.
I nod, my eyes flickering down to his busted knuckles. “You wanna clean those first?” My stomach spasms, visions of what they may have done to Darryl flashing through my head. It’s probably less than he deserved, but either way, I can’t find it in me to care.
He brushes his fingers across the top of his hand. “I just want to say a couple things, and then I’ll let you sleep.”
Standing up, we walk to my bedroom, Chase closing the door behind us. My body feels heavy, and I go to lie down on the bed, hoping I can stay awake long enough for this conversation. I’m so tired, my body craving rest.
“I called Doc,” he says.
My brow arches. “Who’s Doc?”
He smiles, shaking his head. “My therapist. Well, he was my therapist, back when I lived in Nashville. But I think you’ll like him best. For our family sessions.”
Unease flickers through my middle. “Oh, okay.”
“I was fucked-up over you for a long time, you know? He helped me work through it.”
I push down the nausea that climbs up my throat. “Listen, I…I would say that I’m sorry for my mistakes, but the truth is that if I didn’t make them, then I wouldn’t have my son, and I would make the same decisions a thousand times over for him.”
My stomach flips, hoping that he understands what I’m saying. He closes his eyes and nods.
“For a long time, Lil,” he starts, “I felt like it was my fault.”
My chest compresses, gut cramping. “ What? Chase, nothing was your fault. Nothing .” I reach my good hand out to cover his on the bed. “You were the only person there for me through my entire life.” Dread rises through me, trying to force out the words. But they still won’t come. “I was keeping secrets from you long before we moved to Sugarlake.”
His face shutters.
“I had demons of my own I didn’t want anyone to see. I wish I could talk about them… I wish I?—”
His hand flips under mine, twining our fingers together. “I have nightmares of that time we spent with Jason and Lydia.”
Jason. His name reverberates off the walls and slams into my middle so fast, I cower.
“ Fuck , Lily, are you okay?”
My eyes burn from the tears I try so hard to hold back, and I shake my head. “I can’t talk about him.”
Chase’s entire demeanor stiffens, his nostrils flaring. Finally, he sighs, his lips twisting. “I fucking knew it. I never wanted to see it, but I fucking knew it anyway. I wrote about it in my damn journal.”
My insides cave, the darkness calling me like a siren as shame tries to pull me under its cloak. I don’t want him to think less of me now that he knows.
Suddenly, he moves, wrapping me in his arms. It stings my side, my body stiffer than it was yesterday, but I allow him to hold me, silent tears dripping down my cheeks.
“I want to heal,” I mutter. “I want to ge-get better. But I can’t talk about it yet.”
“Shh,” he soothes. “I know better than anyone what it’s like to not be able to voice things.” He leans back, looking me in the eye. “I just wish I could have done more.” His voice chokes. “I should have cut that fucker’s dick off.”
My gaze goes to the raised flesh that runs through his left brow, and it brings an odd sense of comfort, reminding me that while my wounds run deep, we all have scars. Some more visible than others.
“You’re the best brother a girl could ask for, Chase Adams,” I whisper. “I wouldn’t just name my kid after anyone.”
His jaw muscle tics. “You and me against the world, right, Lil?”
My throat swells, my vision growing splotchy. “Forever.”
He grins, and with a kiss to my forehead, he stands up and walks out the door.
Once he’s gone, I weep for all the things I can’t voice, and all the ways I want to heal.