Chapter 32 #2
“It was super,” Damien continued, between labored breaths.
“If you had been on time, you could have heard the passionate speech from Hades, followed by a plan he, Raven, and Eagle laid out. It was really great. We all put our hands in and said one, two, three, go death sentence. Then we had a group hug and epic drum circle for group unity and the greater good. It was super fucking great.”
“Hayes gave you an out,” Levi growled.
“You knew this plan when you joined Unit Seven. We all took an oath when we joined. Save Haven at all costs,” Ingrid said coldly.
“Yeah, I didn’t think we’d actually fucking do it.
And some choice to stay behind so Burdon can play with her food until the rest of your unit returns,” Damien snapped, his humor morphing.
“Abandon your partner, leaving them vulnerable, or abandon your boyfriend, leaving him to take her fury. What a choice.”
“I am sorry, Damien,” Tristian said into the helmet. “How’s your ankle?”
“Does it even matter?”
I put one foot in front of the other. Communication went in and out as partners disappeared to panic or conspire, I didn’t know. I couldn’t focus on anything but moving forward. We ran all night, taking breaks only when someone was close to burning out before pushing on to Outpost One.
We changed our oxygen, gulping water, using the restroom, and eating everything we could.
I stripped off my suit long enough to rip off my patrol uniform, my apron, and my father’s knife that had imprinted into my skin from the pressure of my suit.
I hadn’t even noticed. I threw on a pair of Isla’s thermals from her pack, putting the item Kumar had left me around my neck.
I had slipped the bundle into my glove when Wilma put my suit on.
I wrapped Damien’s ankle tightly before putting the suit back on, needing something to hold it all in.
Then we were running again, but my suit didn’t work. My mind grew treacherous as tears snuck up on me—there was no stopping them. The others had been talking. I hadn’t paid any attention, couldn’t join in. At some point the voices disappeared completely.
“I’m here if you need me, Phoenix,” Levi told me quietly.
I didn’t respond as memories pelted me. I had found a way to survive in the aftermath of the war. I had boxed everything up. Hid what I could away. Kept everyone at arm’s length so I wouldn’t care. But I did. With each step, it came undone, Kumar’s death the hair trigger.
Everything exploded within me.
The deluge of memories could blanket the dead earth, blasting everything and everyone away.
Drowning everything that ever was. My mind at war with itself in time with my beating, broken heart.
With each impact of my foot against the dead earth, I tumbled down farther.
I lost my hold on myself until a beast ran in my skin, feasting on the memories of the dead and living.
You have to survive now, little flower.
I had survived, and what did I have to show for my survival?
Someone always has to sacrifice. You are strong, Sasha.
I had sacrificed. Again and again. I had sacrificed myself—tore myself apart. My father had been wrong. I wasn’t strong anymore. I had nothing left to sacrifice. Life had taken it all.
The others aren’t like you.
My father had been right. I wasn’t like the others. I was stuck right where his training had left off. Frozen in the wreckage I didn’t know how to fix while everyone around me moved on. I was still at that table with a cup of coffee. A pink bow. I couldn’t move on.
You need someone to blame? Hate me. Blame me.
Tristian had tried to give it all a home, to hold it for me. I had never hated him. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. It was me. I hated myself. I carried the blame because the ones who had stripped everything from me were gone.
I’ll never forgive you.
I thought that was true at the time. That I’d never forgive my father for leaving…But really, I couldn’t forgive myself.
Don’t take your anger out on her; she’s a child.
Was I any better than my mother? Had I not spewed venom on everyone around me, then had the audacity to rage at the injustice when they died?
Hate me for being here. Blame me. Fight me. You need somewhere to put your rage. I’ll take it. I can handle it. I can live with your hate. I am begging you to try for them.
I had no right to blame him. I was so tired of fighting him—fighting everyone. He had tried for me the entire time. I was unworthy of it. Of him. I was always just trying to save him…from me.
The issue is you’re fighting the wrong enemy.
Levi had been right. He had been right. But I couldn’t stop fighting myself; if I did, my demons would run free, destroying everything.
What is your biggest regret in your life?
Was it everyone I had lost? Was it the war? Was it me? What I had allowed to be born in me? It didn’t matter. Every regret brought me back to the same place. Myself.
It’s okay to need people, Sasha. We all do.
But what if when I needed people, they weren’t there? How did you go on when the people you needed didn’t stay? If every person I needed, wanted, left me, taking bits of me with them?
It’s never too late to burn it all down and rise from the ashes.
An untamable fire raged in my soul, destroying me. I didn’t know if I could survive it.
Find someone who can save you, Sash.
Lara’s dying wish, but was there anything left to be saved?
I was sobbing, my entire body shaking against the force.
“I’m still here, Sasha. Stay with me,” Levi’s voice interrupted, his hands on my arms. “Stay with me. Try just a little longer.” His hand wove into mine. “Just try a little longer. Come on.”
I didn’t know if I could anymore. I think the beast finally won.
I lay on the mat at Outpost Three. We had stopped at Outpost Two, repeating what we had done at Outpost One, but we rested. Everyone showered before falling asleep immediately. There was no talking. Sleep hauled me away the moment my head hit the pillow.
I didn’t know how long we all slept before we were moving again. We moved slower, jogging at times but mostly walking. Rumi and Patrick took up the rear, their weapons out the entire day.
The unit trudged into Outpost Three exhausted. Everyone moved around slowly and silently as the suits came off. As if we didn’t have enough in us to talk. Fetching food and drinks, some running out to use the restroom. The door was barred now, the unit together and quiet.
“I’m sorry for what I said above,” Damien started, breaking the exhausted silence as he approached Tristian.
“It was abrupt. I know we’d all discussed this throughout the years.
I knew what I signed up for in your unit.
I don’t regret it. I’d do it again with you all every time.
But it was different doing it. I was worried about Noah.
Having to make the decision to leave someone I care about behind—I hated it.
And I was—I am scared.” Tristian opened his mouth, but Damien continued, his voice quiet.
“I was hurt too, Hayes. That you told Levi and Rumi first. Planned with them and not the rest of us. Do you not trust us?”
Everyone grew too quiet.
“I trust everyone in this room with my life, Dame. It had nothing to do with that,” Tristian said.
“Then what was it?” Damien asked. No one breathed; the answer mattered.
“I was mitigating the fallout if the plans were discovered,” Tristian admitted heavily.
“I’ve watched my unit almost die. I didn’t want that for any of you.
Levi and Rumi agreed to the risk. Even that”—Tristian took a deep breath; I heard the brokenness in his voice—“there was no right call, Damien, but it had nothing to do with my trust in you. If the plan was discovered I didn’t want you all to suffer. ”
I turned over, but Levi got to his feet, clapping the two of them on the shoulder as he passed them. He grabbed his weapon and approached the stairs. “I have the first watch. Sleep, guys.”
I didn’t need convincing as sleep sank its claws in, dragging me down.
I awoke at some point in the night. Darkness was everywhere, and warmth—the kind of warmth that was only found against someone else’s body. It seeped into my bones, leaving a quietness in its wake, soothing the wretched parts of me. I had no confusion this time; I knew whose warmth I was stealing.
My leg once again lay on top of Tristian’s thigh, the entire side of my body flush against his, my arm stretched across his chest, resting on his heart, the beat strong and steady beneath it.
But this time…his arm wrapped around my shoulders, tucking me in, holding me close.
I lifted my head from Tristian’s chest to see a small form on the stairs, staring out the window. Rumi would know.
I rested my head back down. Who else had seen us?
Did it matter? Would any of us even survive this?
I should protect him like he was trying to protect the other souls in his room.
But being held in the midst of it all…I didn’t know if I had the strength to.
I was exhausted from the journey, but it was much more than that.
I was tired in my soul as pieces of me leaked out.
I gave myself a few more moments in the warmth, the safety, of Tristian’s arms. Without the task that lay ahead of us.
Without the illness in Haven. The dwindling supplies.
The mutiny. The desperate race we all sat in for our survival.
At whatever awaited us when we went into the Abyss.
I shoved the entire world away until it was just a man who was good and a woman who felt okay letting go in the dark, unbeknownst to anyone.
Someone groaned, followed by the movement of a body. I lifted my head and the arm around me tightened instantly, the other wrapping around my wrist upon his chest, holding my body against his.
“Don’t,” Tristian whispered into my hair. I froze completely at the need intertwined with the sleep. “Please, don’t.”
I worked to swallow, knowing I should move away, not only to preserve the ache that took hold in my chest at his request, but if I stayed…would I ever be able to let go? Would I hold on until, like everyone else, I lost him too?
“The others will see,” I muttered, barely audible. A horrible excuse.
Tristian’s arm tightened as he sighed into my hair, pulling me closer. “I don’t care. Just stay,” Tristian whispered back, a plea so at odds with the potent strength he contained, pushed aside for something…gentle.
“Rumi is awake.”
“Eagle already knows all your secrets. Always will,” Tristian told me.
The arm wrapped around my shoulders began brushing back and forth unhurriedly.
I shivered. Questions, wants, and fear riled just below the surface.
As if Tristian felt them, the hand around my wrist let go, finding my chin as he tipped my face up until those green eyes pierced mine.
“I promise tomorrow”—Tristian swallowed, his jaw tight—“I’ll go back to being just a distraction—whatever you want me to be.
I’ll lie, pretend. Whatever you want.” My heart quaked in my chest at his words.
His desperate gaze skated over my face as he released my chin. “But tonight, let me hold you.”
In a single breath, I could destroy this with my body, my words. I could shred this until he pushed me away, force the pain I knew would inevitably come from caring for him.
He watched me, waiting. I ducked my head, settling my head on his chest, unable to voice it.
Maybe I was already too late. I added that to the pile of guilt already weighing me down.
He sighed heavily against the top of my head.
His arms tightened around me until my chest lay close enough to feel the steady rhythm of his heart against my own.
“I’m sorry about Kumar,” he whispered.
Tears formed immediately. “Me too.” It was all I got out, all I could say. “Rumi told me she had hair like mine.”
Tristian’s arms tightened immediately, rolling until he faced me, our legs tangled.
His eyes searched mine, his hand running down the side of my face before cupping my cheek.
“I thought it was you when I got there and I…I thought it was you. I couldn’t do anything until I saw you.
When I saw you, I needed…the reassurance. I shouldn’t have been so rough. I—”
I brushed a curl from his face. “I don’t regret those moments with you, Tristian.” I couldn’t live with him thinking I did.
Green eyes held brown eyes.
The things that had never lied. For tonight I let that be enough.
I woke up alone. I shot up immediately, searching. A firm hand touched my knee. Tristian was still there, seated next to me. He offered me his plate wordlessly.
I took several items from it. He released my knee as the others woke and moved about.
But he moved into me until our bodies touched, something fluttering in my core.
I sat in his warmth, sharing food. It was a peaceful moment above the surface in a world littered with chaos.
I didn’t conform to the howling beast, shoving it away.
The pain lay just beneath, but in all my brokenness, I let myself be in peace, wishing it could last.
It didn’t, but then it never does.