Chapter 23
After a rather sleepless night, the day has finally arrived to travel to Benidorm. This is the build-up to Ged and Liam’s BIG pre-moon spree. With their wedding potentially months away, this is them going out with a bang to celebrate their last weeks of freedom in style. And everything needs to be perfect. And by perfect, I mean they need to be the centre of attention at all times. The whole trip needs to be all about them and micromanaged like a Las Vegas casino heist.
Ged, Liam and I are waiting at the check-in desk with our luggage trolley piled impossibly high, when we hear an almighty racket coming from the other side of the concourse. I know without even turning around that it is The Dollz. They have a trolley each, piled high to an excessive degree. They are squabbling over whether they should split the fees for being ‘overweight’ between the group or whether poor individual packing and case management is to blame.
‘Definitely split all the fees,’ I say firmly, bringing an immediate halt to the argument. The costs for this trip are escalating by the second. ‘Add them to our WhatsApp total and I’ll work out how much it is for everyone while we are in Vegas. For now, let’s dump everything on my credit card.’
This brings a sigh of relief from the girls. Tash swoops towards me in a cloud of perfume and hairspray. ‘Thanks, babes. I haven’t got the headspace for working things out right now. I just need to focus on what’s important.’ She flicks Ged and Liam an adoring smile.
‘Honey, we love that you’re all so invested,’ Liam says, beginning to well up. ‘Celebrating this happiest time in our lives with us, it means everything.’ He swishes his hand over his face. ‘Everything.’
Ged steps in. He has been practising a variety of speeches all week. ‘You are like family,’ he says, taking his fiancé’s hand and clamping it to his heart dramatically. ‘There’s no one we’d rather share our happiness with. This week isn’t just about us. Please don’t make us the centre of attention the whole time. We just want you all to have an amazing experience.’
Ged and Liam do namaste hands at us. If there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that this week is all about them. They absolutely do want us to make sure they are the centre of attention the whole time. And it’s ALL about them having an amazing experience. And my job is to make that happen for them.
‘Thank goodness,’ says Tash, beaming. ‘Because I’ve invited Sister Kevin to come to Vegas. And we’ll need a bit of quality time together.’
Ged and Liam’s faces fall instantly. ‘You’ve invited him to our pre-moon?’
Tash carries on as though everyone is now riveted at her plans for the week. ‘No, don’t be silly. I would have asked you first.’
‘But he’s still coming to Las Vegas at the same time we’ll be there celebrating?’
This is a bit rich coming from Ged. Only five minutes ago, everyone was muscling in on my BIG romantic break away with Matteo, and nobody seemed to mind about that. I’ll have to let it go.
‘Yes. It’s his BIG birthday next week,’ Tash says, seemingly oblivious. ‘And we are in a mutually exclusive relationship now, remember?’
‘How BIG is this birthday?’ Liam is quick to ask.
‘Big,’ Tash says, leaving it at that.
‘Couldn’t you take him somewhere else afterwards? For his BIG birthday?’ Ged asks.
‘No,’ Tash begins to screw her eyes at him. ‘I’m organising a surprise for him. And it needs to be in Vegas.’
This is the first we’re all hearing of Tash having alternate plans for the week. This is just what I need. An added complication to factor in.
‘He looks about thirty-five to me,’ says Cherry, causing us to silently ask via eye contact with one another whether this is in fact, a BIG birthday. ‘What surprise have you got in mind?’
‘I thought I’d surprise him…’ Tash beams at Cherry and excitedly grabs her hands before looking at each of us in turn. She takes an exaggerated breath in and squeals loudly, ‘… with a baby!’
We all take a beat to let this land. Questions fly through my mind. They’ve only been together for a few weeks, and most of that has been under the influence. Where will she get a baby to wrap up? It’s not like you can just go into a shop and buy one. Unless she has bought one online already.
The mystery is revealed.
‘You’re pregnant?’ Cherry chokes on the words.
Very recent memories of Tash, paralytic at the Sinfonia end-of-tour party, making a huge show of downing a bottle of prosecco, and then throwing it dramatically over her shoulder come flooding back. The crack it made along the entire length of the mirrored wall could be heard over the music. It sounded like gunfire, judging by the screams from the poor people sitting at the tables below.
Tash takes in our shocked expressions and shakes her head, laughing. ‘Not yet. No. But nearly. You know. When we get there.’
‘So, the plan is to trick him into impregnating you, then you surprise him with the news on his birthday?’ asks Big Sue in her stern social worker voice.
I’m also pretty sure that if you’re going to raise a family with someone, it’s the done thing to at least find out his surname first. She has called him Sister Kevin since we met him and the rest of the bearded nuns, in Benidorm.
‘And we’ll definitely be naming the baby Vegas!’ Sparkles are shooting out of her eyes. ‘Whether it’s a boy or a girl.’
‘That’s not really a reason to do the deed in Vegas, love,’ says Big Sue. ‘You could do the deed back home and still call it Vegas.’
Ged and Liam are nodding vigorously at this more than reasonable suggestion.
‘Everyone calls their children after where they were conceived these days. I’m not going to name my baby Low Fell or whatever town Sister Kev’s from, am I? No. Vegas is the place. I wouldn’t dream of anywhere else. Baby Vegas. It sounds so….’ Tash sighs happily, unable to find the right word.
Big Sue gives Ged and Liam an apologetic shrug.
‘I’m surprised you haven’t considered Elvis,’ says Big Mand drily. ‘Or Slot-machine as a fun middle name. You do know I deliver babies for a living, don’t you? And they are not all that, I’ll tell you that much for free.’
‘Or Bellagio sounds nice,’ says Tash in a world of her own. ‘Baby Bellagio. Baby Vegas. Baby Elvis.’ She drums her fingers lightly on her huge bottom lip. ‘I can’t choose.’
‘I don’t know what’s more disturbing,’ says Big Sue, rattling off some stats to do with single mothers, unwanted pregnancies and benefits claims.
Before the rest of us can react, the queue has disappeared, and the airline attendant is beckoning us all forward with our huge towers of luggage. She is calling for assistance and complaining that we should have filled out a notification of excessive luggage online ahead of the journey. There will be hefty financial penalties to pay. Everyone turns towards me.
No one has had the courage during the flight to tackle Tash on her ‘surprise’ bombshell. It has somewhat put a slight dampener on the proceedings. I can tell by the way Ged and Liam keep whispering to each other that they are not best pleased. Liberty is still barely talking to any of us after the club incident with Luke. She blames us for him walking out. Cherry is unusually quiet and has not even leapt up to dance in the aisle once. Not once.
When we finally pile through the exit at Alicante airport, the heat hits me, and I am immediately transported back to last month. The sizzling heat, the Latino music, the smell of olives mixed with taxi fumes wafting on the hot air. As the warmth of the sun penetrates my bones, I breathe deeply to inhale the familiar scent of Spain. The midday sun is blazing in the cloudless blue sky, and everyone on the bustling concourse appears to be smoking cigarettes as though we have arrived in the 1970s.
I quickly switch on my phone to discover that I have missed four calls from Matteo. I hurriedly text him to say that I’ve been in flight mode and have just arrived in Alicante. He texts me back immediately to remind me that he is thinking of me and hopes the flight over has gone well. He signs off as Mr Window Seat. I stare at his message as a surge of longing powers through me. This is where we first met. Where our incredible journey of self-discovery and personal growth began. Where passions were ignited, where truths were…
‘CONNIE, FOR FUCKS SAKE, WE HAVEN’T GOT ALL FUCKING DAY!’ Tash yells at me.
She’s going to make a lovely mother.
They are all loading their cases onto an already overloaded roof rack. Our small, wiry driver from the last trip, Jorge, is visibly sweating as he forces cases into tiny crevices on the bus. He is bewildered at the amount of luggage we have. His face drops when he sees me lug my trolley over.
‘Hoargghhhay says we might have to sit on the cases because he can’t get them all in,’ says Liberty in a sulky tone. ‘Apparently, someone should have notified him beforehand.’ She trains her gaze on me.
‘When are you going to get over yourself, pet?’ booms Big Mand. ‘We’ve just about had enough of your sulking. Haven’t we, lasses?’
We all nod.
‘It wasn’t our fault that your Norwegian prince took off. Double dipping is what you were doing,’ Big Mand says firmly.
‘You win some, you lose some. You should know that better than any of us. You’re the only person I know to have exhausted your Tinder App,’ agrees Tash. ‘You didn’t sulk when any of them disappeared off.’
‘Exactly. You’ve been through more men than I’ve had hot dinners. No, wait. More men than I’ve had…’ Cherry loses her train of thought, and no one can be bothered to wait.
‘We go! Go now!’ bellows Jorge, climbing onto the minibus. He probably can’t believe the difference in our arrival compared to last time when we were pissed, barely clothed, and all fun, frolics and giggles. The atmosphere is currently turbo-charged with resentments and judgy vibes.
Liberty flicks her hair extensions over her shoulder and gets on the bus with a huge, frustrated sigh.
‘Just ignore her,’ Tash says. ‘She’ll come round.’
Ged and Liam give me a worried look.
‘It’ll be fine,’ I reassure them. ‘I promise.’
Luckily, Ged and Liam sit together, Tash and Cherry sit together, Big Mand and Big Sue sit together, and Liberty says she needs some alone time to process. That leaves me free to sit at the back and do some emergency Googling. I desperately need to sort out where we will eat for the first night on arrival to Las Vegas. I really hope Matteo hasn’t made plans for us, and he will be in the mood for a group gathering. I search trending restaurants that have big tables to seat nine of us together.
Ged definitely wants to go to EggSlut for breakfast, so I will book a table there for the following day. Before I run out of data, I also try to quietly book shows and fun activities for us to do in Vegas on the nights we won’t be singing. My heart droops when I see that some of them need to be booked months in advance. The Grand Canyon skywalk is much, much cheaper than a helicopter ride over the Canyon, so I’ll book that. Then the helicopter ride over Vegas at night comes in much cheaper again, so I will book us all onto that too. The Emerald Cove kayak trip keeps coming up, but I’m not sure I can imagine The Dollz wanting to do that. I’ve never seen Tash not in heels. Same with Death Valley. I couldn’t bear the thought of Tash’s spikey heels digging into those poor horses as we trek through the dry, dusty mountains. There’s a lot of ziplining through shopping malls on offer, and something happening at the High Roller that might be a thing. In a panic, I book us an unlimited pass for the STRAT Tower rollercoaster thing where you hang off the edge of the highest building in Vegas, staring death right between the eyes. Ohgodohgodohgod. I’m panic booking. I take a deep breath in, praying my credit card will withstand this amount of pressure, and scroll through the list of which celebs are currently touring. Kylie Minogue or Harry Styles would be ideal. And a meet ’n’ greet is essential.
By the time we arrive in Benidorm, I have more or less sorted the pre-moon spree itinerary. I just need to pull it all together into chronological order so that everyone knows when and where they need to be. The last thing I need is anyone getting lost or going AWOL.
A message from Matteo pops up. He will facetime me in half an hour. I just manage to send a reply before my phone runs out of charge. I’m on 1%. Hopefully, we will be able to get all the luggage off the bus and into the villa so that Jorge can run me and my luggage over to Voices, where I have use of the sweet little apartment above the bar. It has a glorious view from the roof terrace all the way down to the beach. And of course, a shower cubicle that fits two. I can’t wait. I can facetime Matteo from there, in private. I want him to know how much I have missed him, and how excited I am to see him in a few days.
I should also tell him that I won’t be arriving alone.
‘No, Cherry. You’re wrong,’ Tash is arguing. ‘Connie, isn’t Cherry deliberately sabotaging my dreams of happiness with Sister Kev?’
‘I’m not,’ says Cherry wearily. ‘I just think that having children is a terrible thing to do, never mind surprise ones.’
‘But you have children,’ Tash accuses, yanking her cases from the roof.
‘Yes. And don’t think a day goes by that I don’t regret having them.’
There’s a collective gasp as her words sink in.
‘What? Don’t judge me. I’m allowed to change my mind.’
‘They’re not shoes, hun,’ says Big Sue, her voice full of empathy. She works in Social Care for families and is dead high up. ‘What’s going on with you?’
Cherry’s eyes fill with tears. ‘Nothing.’ She points to the biggest suitcase. ‘Boys. That one has all the Barbie and Ken outfits in,’ she says, changing the topic. ‘Take it with you so that you can try them on for size. But don’t get them mixed up or get any stains on them, it’s taken me days of work to customise them.’
‘Which one has the pink glitter cowboy hats in and the whips?’ Liam asks, casting his gaze to the piles of bags still on the bus.
‘Cowboy hats…’ Cherry whispers to herself. ‘Oh God. A pink glitter cowboy hat and sunglasses. Oh Christ.’ She chews her lip before her face suddenly drops as though she is having a terrible flashback.
‘They’re in that one,’ Tash says, pointing to the roof rack buckling under the weight of all the oversized cases. ‘I refuse to lift any more cases because I’ve just had my nails done.’
‘Me too,’ says Liberty, wiggling her sharp talons at us.
‘My arm is still in recovery,’ adds Big Mand doing a shoulder roll.
Jorge, with an air of quiet defeat, silently retrieves the remaining cases just as Nacho, or Enreeky as The Dollz call him because he reminds them of a young Enrique Iglesias, arrives. He is the villa owner and Matteo’s half-brother. He pulls up on his moped to greet us with the keys. He is still as devastatingly handsome as we all remember. He gives us a wide smile, casting a confused gaze around the grumpy group. This is the exact opposite of how we welcomed him the last time. There’s no queue to line up for our kisses. No giggling over whether he’s packing a substantial piece. Instead, Cherry takes one look at him, inhales loudly and bursts into tears.
Liberty tuts loudly. ‘Oh my God, could you be any more attention-seeking?’
Tash is also unimpressed with Cherry, and instead of going to pieces over her crush on Nacho, says a curt hello before following Cherry through the main gate.
‘Enreeky, pet. Lovely to see you,’ says Liberty, recovering. ‘How have you been? Still a filthy slut, I hope?’
Nacho laughs at her flirtatious behaviour. He will not have understood a word she just said. He shakes hands with Ged and Liam, who are trying hard not to swoon. I give him a hug, and he kisses everyone else’s cheeks in greeting.
‘You have heard from Matteo, non?’ he asks me.
I blush instantly. ‘Yeah. I’m…. like, going out to Las Vegas to… like, erm, go and visit him.’
Why? Why am I like this? Matteo and I are an item. A bone fide item. I should be embracing it, not acting like I can’t believe it’s not butter.
‘That’s so good. He likes you a lot,’ says Nacho which causes my face to go full furnace.
‘We’re all going,’ interrupts Liberty, sounding jealous. ‘It’s a work trip. She’s not the only one who jet-sets around.’
Nacho smiles quizzically at me before he hands out the keys, and because we already know where everything is, he says he will catch up with us at Voices tonight.
As we wave him off, Big Mand has an idea. ‘Liberty, babes. Enreeky could be just what you need to get over Luke.’
For the first time today, Liberty perks up.
‘Hello?’ Ged interrupts. ‘One dance isn’t that much to get over.’
He sounds catty. And the finger quotation marks have not gone down well. Big Sue flings him some keys before her and Big Mand pick up their cases and head into the villa.
‘Don’t leave me to drag everyone’s cases in,’ yells Liberty.
Jorge gives me a pleading look. He has sweat dripping down his cheeks. It is almost forty degrees. He is clearly exhausted and deeply disappointed that we aren’t half drunk and making a huge fuss of him like last time, by fluffing his hair and pinching his cheeks.
I glance at the mountain of cases abandoned on the path outside the villa gate. ‘Let’s go,’ I say. ‘For once, they can sort their own stuff out.’ I glance at the time. I have ten minutes to get across town to my apartment, to charge up my phone, and make myself look beautiful before Matteo video calls.