CHAPTER TWO #2
Until it wasn’t.
When she’d had pain for no reason and it had never gone away completely, she’d begun to wonder what was going on.
Her joints, her muscles, her nerves… all of it hurt. One run-through of her short program would leave her feeling completely drained, and completing her free skate had become an impossibility.
By the time they’d realized she wasn’t getting better, the strain between her and Lexi had felt insurmountable.
When the decision was made for her to retire, Amelia had withdrawn completely, spending time only with her immediate family.
And it was still how she preferred to live her life, though she had casual contact with people at the church.
Amelia pushed away from the door and went to her bedroom.
She put her purse and Bible on the small table in the corner of the room, then went to her closet to change out of her church clothes into the clothes she preferred when she was home.
They were comfortable whether she was trying to do a few chores around the apartment or falling asleep while watching television or reading.
As she pulled on the stretchy shorts and oversized t-shirt, Amelia didn’t look into the full-length mirror on the closet door. These days, dwelling on her reflection was something she avoided if at all possible.
She sank down on the couch with her phone and opened one of the apps she used to chat with people.
The demands her skating career had put on her life had left precious little time for friends, and after she’d been forced to retire, she’d been too focused on her health to cultivate any friendships.
However, over the past year, she had managed to strike up a friendship with someone who was part of an online group of people who were dealing with similar health issues. Tracy had become a good friend, though Amelia hadn’t shared all the details of her life with her yet.
Sometimes Amelia felt guilty for hiding her identity, but she didn’t want the knowledge of who she’d been to factor into their friendship.
Though they’d started out just sharing things about their health, they’d since talked about pretty much everything going on in their lives, so she knew it was just a matter of time before she told Tracy about her past.
Tracy had currently been having some issues with her boyfriend. He was struggling to understand the limitations that Tracy had, when for the first few years of their relationship, she’d been able to do everything with him.
Hey, Trace. You around?
Amelia went to the kitchen and pulled out a can of her favorite flavored water, then settled on her overstuffed couch. Her apartment faced the street, but she hadn’t opened the curtains covering the sliding door that led to the balcony, so she couldn’t see the view.
Tracy: You betcha! Didn’t feel up to going to church today?
They knew each other’s schedules fairly well. Plus, Tracy was also a Christian who understood that sometimes even the energy needed to get ready for church was too much.
Tracy: Want to call?
Rather than text her back, Amelia tapped the screen to place a call to her.
“So, what’s up?” Tracy asked when she answered. “Are you okay?”
Amelia sighed. “I’m fine. Just had something happen that… shocked me.”
“What happened?”
“Do you remember me telling you about Benji? My high school boyfriend?”
“Yes,” Tracy said. “I got the feeling he was the one who got away.”
“He didn’t get away,” Amelia told her. “I sent him away. He was at college, and I had a lot going on in my life then. I felt that our relationship would be a distraction as we each tried to reach certain goals in our lives. He wasn’t happy about the breakup, but he accepted it, and that was the last time I saw or talked to him… until this morning.”
“You saw him?”
“Yeah.” Amelia stretched out on the couch, setting the phone on her chest. “He came to the church café when I was serving coffee.”
“And was that a bad thing?”
“He didn’t recognize me.” The memory of the lack of recognition in Benji’s gaze caused another pang of hurt in her heart.
“How long has it been since he’s seen you?”
“Ten years.”
“It’s understandable that he didn’t recognize you,” Tracy said. “Right?”
“I suppose,” Amelia said. “But it was more likely the fact that I’ve gained a bunch of weight since he last saw me.
I used to be very athletic and trained a lot, so I was slim and fit when we used to date.
After I started having health problems, I wasn’t able to exercise or train.
That, plus some of the medications I was first prescribed caused weight gain. ”
“I’ve had that too,” Tracy said. It was one of the things they’d commiserated about over the months of their friendship. “I’ve struggled with accepting it because it seems no matter what I do, I can’t lose the weight.”
“I know. It’s the same for me,” Amelia said. “Having Benji not recognize me reinforced just how much the weight gain has changed me.”
“Did you say anything to him?”
“No. I let the girl working with me take care of serving him, then I left the church as soon as I’d finished closing up the café.”
“So you’re hoping you just don’t run into him again?”
“I don’t know how long he’ll be in town,” Amelia said. “None of my family told me that he was even here.”
“And they would have known?”
“Yes. My family and his are related. His sister is married to my uncle.”
“And you’ve managed to avoid him for ten years?”
“It hasn’t been too difficult because he’s never come back for an extended period of time. Plus, I traveled a lot before my health took a nosedive.”
“I’m sorry that you had to deal with this today,” Tracy said.
“I’m sure my family will say I’ve overreacted, and maybe they’re right. But I just couldn’t face him after he didn’t recognize me. I don’t want him to compare me to the girl he dated.”
“Do you still have feelings for him?” Tracy asked. “I mean, ten years is a long time, but it seems like you still care what he thinks about you.”
Amelia took her time answering, knowing that it would make her look dumb.
“Even though I knew that breaking up was the right thing to do at the time, I always imagined him showing up one day when our lives had settled down to tell me that he still loved me and wanted to be with me again.” Amelia paused.
“There’s a lot I haven’t told you about my life during that period of time, but let’s just say that I had lofty goals for myself, and always figured that when I attained the ultimate goal, he’d be there waiting for me. ”
“And he wasn’t.”
“No, he wasn’t. And he’d moved on, dating other girls. I didn’t have time to date anyone else, so I guess I never really got over him like he was able to get over me.”
“Maybe you should talk to him,” Tracy suggested. “It might help you to move past whatever it is you’re feeling about seeing him again.”
Right in that moment, Amelia couldn’t imagine anything she wanted less than to talk to Benji. It could be that Tracy was right, and it was what she needed to do. But in her current mindset, she wasn’t sure she could face him.
She knew a large part of her reluctance was her pride. She didn’t want him to see her and be relieved that he’d dodged a bullet thanks to their breakup. She didn’t want him to be glad that he’d escaped having to deal with everything that had transpired in her life, including her weight gain.
“I hope that he’s just here for the weekend,” Amelia said.
“Don’t you think it would be beneficial for you to get this first meeting over with?” Tracy asked.
As far as Amelia was concerned, they’d already had their first meeting in ten years. And he hadn’t recognized her… It was the one thing she just couldn’t seem to get past.
“I think seeing him has helped me understand that I need to work harder to put that time of my life behind me. I’ve continued to let it linger in my heart, and I need to put it aside.”
“I think a conversation with him might help you do that,” Tracy said. “But obviously there are nuances to this that I’m not aware of.”
“I’m sorry I’m not giving you all the details,” Amelia said with a sigh. “It’s just that I lost a lot when I began to struggle with my health, and it’s been very difficult for me to accept or talk about. Even with my family.”
“Well, you know that I’m always here for you,” Tracy told her. “If you want to talk, all you have to do is call. And be assured that I’ll be praying for you as you deal with this situation.”
“Thank you,” Amelia said. “I appreciate that.”
They chatted for a bit longer, then Amelia had another call come in. Seeing her sister’s name, she was hesitant to answer, but she knew Layla would worry if she didn’t.
After saying goodbye to Tracy, Amelia answered Layla’s call.
“Did you leave early?” Layla asked.
“Yes. I wasn’t feeling very good after my time serving coffee, so I came home.”
“Do you feel up to going out on the boat?”
Cole and Annie had a large pontoon party boat, and on nice afternoons following church, they often invited a bunch of the family to join them on it.
Amelia rarely accepted the invitations, and she wouldn’t on that day either.
The chance that Benji would be on the boat was high, and she just didn’t want to face him yet.
“I don’t think I will this time.”
There was a pause, then Layla said, “Did you see Ben at church this morning?”
Ben? She’d never thought of him as anything other than Benji. “Yes. I saw that he was there.”
“Did you talk to him?”
“No. He came to get coffee at the café, and Mandy was the one to serve him.”
There was a stretch of silence, as if Layla was waiting for her to continue. Amelia had nothing more to say, however.
“Do you want to talk to him?” Layla asked.
“Not really. I mean, I wouldn’t not talk to him if the opportunity arose, but I don’t feel the need to have a conversation with him.”
“Has anyone talked to you about why he’s here?” Layla asked.
“Nope. No one has said anything.” She paused. “Not even you.”
Amelia knew there was an edge to her voice, and from the weighted silence that followed her statement, Layla had heard it too.
Finally, her sister cleared her throat. “Well, I suppose you should be aware that he’s going to be around for most of the summer.”
The summer? There was no way she would be able to avoid him for that amount of time.
“He’s here to help Cole with the basketball camps he’s running for the next couple of months.”
Amelia’s stomach sank at the revelation. Unless she quit her job, she was going to end up seeing Benji on a regular basis. The basketball clinics were being held at the gym at the church, which was where she worked part-time in the office.
But more than that, she would be helping with the clinics. They wanted someone there to assist with registering the participants and to help with things like snacks at breaktime or if they needed to contact a parent or guardian.
Amelia couldn’t believe that she hadn’t put two and two together and realized that might be why he was in town.
“Then I suppose I’ll have the opportunity to talk to him at some point,” Amelia said.
“Are you okay with that?”
More than anyone else, Layla was aware of the hope she’d had that at the end of the day, she and Benji would be together. In her teenage naivety, she hadn’t expected him to walk away without looking back. It had made her wonder if he’d ever truly loved her the way he said he had.
“Does it matter if I’m not?” Amelia asked, then continued before Layla could respond. “I’ll be fine. It’s been a long time since there was anything between us.”
“That’s true,” Layla said, but there was something in her voice that told Amelia that her sister wasn’t completely sold on Amelia’s dismissal of how she felt about Benji. “But still…”
“It’ll be fine,” Amelia said. “I do wish someone had mentioned his arrival, so I wasn’t taken off guard when he showed up. But regardless, it’s fine.”
“I’m sorry. I just found out a couple of days ago. I should have said something.”
Amelia was surprised that she hadn’t, but she couldn’t hold it against her sister. That would accomplish nothing but adding stress and tension to her life—to their relationship—neither of which Amelia needed.
“It’ll be fine, Layla,” Amelia assured her.
“Well, if it ends up not being fine, I want you to talk to me. Don’t keep it all bottled up inside.”
“I won’t.”
Though Layla again tried to convince her to join them on the boat, Amelia stood firm. Now that she knew that she was definitely going to have to face Benji, she wanted to put it off for as long as she could.
She had time to shore up her defenses, and she knew that she could do it. Skating had taught her a lot of things, including how to perform in such a way that the audience had no idea what else might be going on in her life.
There had been times when she hadn’t felt her best, and yet she’d stepped onto the ice with a smile. And at the end of her program, even if it hadn’t reached the standard she’d hoped for, she curtsied, smiled, and waved at the people who were in the stands.
When she did see Benji again, she’d make sure to have a smile on her face that would hide any turmoil she might be feeling inside.