CHAPTER TWENTY #2
Amelia’s grip tightened on her wrap, her fingers sinking into the soft shell. If there was one thing besides her health that she didn’t want to discuss, it was her faith.
She knew the answer she should give. It came from sermons she’d heard countless times about all things working out for good. Or that God had a plan for her life. Or maybe even the story of Job.
It had been easy in theory, but when reality had hit, the struggle was much harder. Her faith hadn’t been strong enough to sustain the demolition of her life and the decimation of her lifelong dreams.
“Amelia?”
At the sound of her name, Amelia realized she’d been staring off into the distance again. She looked back at him, then down at her wrap, lifting it to take a bite in hopes of buying herself a little more time.
Ben continued to eat his food, clearly willing to wait for her reply now that he had her attention again.
“It hasn’t been easy to reconcile it all in my mind,” she admitted. “But I’m still attending church.”
It was the one reason she’d continued to go to church. It was bad enough that everyone around her kept questioning her mental and physical state. She hadn’t wanted them to focus on her spiritual life as well.
“I was surprised that you were working there,” Ben said. “And that you were volunteering to serve coffee.”
“The job fits my life better than anything else, and I’m able to help Miss Marian out.”
“She wanted to go part-time?”
“Yes. Her daughter needed help with the kids, so Marian wanted to have afternoons free. It worked out well for me because mornings are not the best time of my day. I’m very grateful they gave me the job, considering I didn’t have any experience.”
“They must be happy with your work,” Ben said. “Since you’re still working there.”
“I’d like to think so,” she said. “But it could be that my connections also keep me there.”
“Your connections?”
Amelia gave a short laugh. “You know what I mean. One of my uncles is the son of the previous pastor. My whole family is involved in the church, not to mention my connection to your family.”
“I’m sure it’s more than just your connections that keep you there.”
Amelia wasn’t so sure, though she did try her best to do a good job. She hadn’t made any terrible mistakes that she was aware of.
That had been another reason she’d liked skating so much. It was something just for her. The Halverson and Burke connections weren’t what had gotten her to the top of the sport. Her aunt might have been her coach, but Amelia had done the hard work.
“You weren’t just a great athlete as a teenager,” Ben said. “You were also pretty smart. I mean, you managed to get decent grades, even though most of your focus was on your skating.”
“I didn’t like school a whole lot, but that was only because it meant I couldn’t be on the ice.” She glanced down at the last bite of her wrap that she held. “And the only reason I did like school was because… well, you were there.”
She looked up to see Ben grinning at her, his eyes sparkling with humor. When he winked at her, she rolled her eyes at him and popped the last bite of her wrap into her mouth.
Thankfully, it seemed that they’d moved on from the subject of her illness and spiritual life.
Amelia took a sip from the straw in her cup. However, even though they’d moved on, she wasn’t naive enough to think that this was the last time they would touch on either subject.
But she didn’t want to discuss her health with Ben anymore, now that she was aware that he didn’t really grasp what she was dealing with.
“I should probably get home,” she said, gathering up her trash. “Still need to make it through the rest of the week.”
Ben nodded, then put their trash in the bag the food had come in. When they got to their feet, Luca joined them.
After dumping off the trash, they walked the short distance to the SUV. Ben drove, while Luca sat in the back. With the bodyguard present, conversation was light, leaving behind the heavier subjects that had dominated conversation while they were eating.
When they arrived at her building, Ben got out with her.
“You don’t have to come up with me,” Amelia said.
“I know.” Ben flashed her a smile. “But I’d like to.”
After staring at him for a moment, she nodded, and then they walked across to the sidewalk leading to the front door of the building.
“Need a lift up?” Ben asked.
“While I appreciate the offer,” Amelia said as she unlocked the door. “It’s not necessary today.”
“I’m glad that you’re feeling better,” Ben said as they slowly climbed the stairs.
She might have been feeling better, slow was still her default speed. It had been a long time since she’d been able to run up a set of stairs.
And from the way things seemed to be going, she wasn’t sure she was ever going to be able to do it again.
When they reached her door, Ben briefly touched her arm. She turned toward him and found he’d slipped his hands into his pockets and stood with his head tilted down.
“I’m really sorry for pressing you earlier about how you’re viewing yourself and your situation. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You can’t fix me, Ben,” Amelia said. “Or my situation. Believe me, if this could be fixed by someone else, my dad would have already done it.”
“I get that,” Ben said. “I’m sure your dad has felt helpless because of that too.”
“He has,” Amelia admitted.
Her dad, more than anyone else, had struggled with what she was going through. He’d always been protective of her, given how her life had started out. When her birth mother had died of an overdose, her dad had stepped in to make sure she was safe.
He’d brought her to Serenity to raise her, where he’d reconnected with Charli Halverson and learned that Layla was actually his daughter. After they’d gotten married, they’d adopted Shiloh, who was actually Charli’s niece, and then had two more kids.
Given where she’d come from, Amelia was very grateful for the family she now had. Charli and her family treated her just as if she was one of their own, which wasn’t a surprise since the Halverson family was comprised of both biological and adopted children.
“Just know that I care,” Ben said. “And I want you to be happy.”
Amelia felt a rush of warmth at his words. They weren’t really a surprise considering he’d asked her out on a date. He wouldn’t have done that if he wasn’t feeling something for her.
She was just afraid that he was basing too much of what he was feeling on the person he’d once known, not on who she was now. Or that the person she’d be once she was “better” would be the same as she’d been back when they’d dated.
Regardless of how her health issues were resolved, Amelia knew that she’d never be the same person she’d once been. Walking through the loss of her career and her dreams had changed her.
She no longer trusted that hoping and dreaming and working hard for something would guarantee she’d achieve it.
All the hard work. All the high hopes. All the lofty dreams. It could all come to naught in the end.
“I just want you to be… happy,” Ben said. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I walked away when you asked me to because I thought it meant you’d be happy since you could focus on reaching your goals.”
Amelia stared at him. At his beautiful blue eyes, which held such concern. For her.
“I wanted you to be happy too,” Amelia said. “And you deserved more than a distracted girlfriend who wasn’t available to do all the fun things couples do.”
And he still deserved a girlfriend who could do things at a moment’s notice. Not one who had to plan out her activities based on how much energy they’d require and how much energy she had to spend on other things.
Ben frowned. “That’s why you broke up with me? Because you thought I deserved someone different?”
“Partly, yes.”
“You should have given me a choice, Amelia,” Ben said.
Amelia gripped the strap of her purse in both hands. “No, Ben. I knew you wouldn’t agree. You’re such a good man. You wouldn’t have agreed that someone else might be better for you than I was.”
“You’re right, I wouldn’t have,” he said. “Because I’ve clearly not found someone else who was better than you.”
Amelia shifted her gaze past him to the stairs. “You’re still young.”
“Tell me you feel nothing for me.”
She looked back at him. “What?”
“Tell me you feel nothing for me.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“You’re going to try to use that excuse to keep us apart again, now.” Ben shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I still don’t buy that reasoning, Amelia. The only reasoning I’ll buy is that you feel nothing for me.”
Amelia couldn’t do that. Not without lying, and right then her heart wouldn’t let her lie. But it also wouldn’t let her bare her heart to him either. Not yet. Not when there was so much uncertainty.
When she didn’t reply, Ben’s expression softened. “We’ll talk more about this… later. Just know that I’m here for you.”
Reaching out, he cupped her face in his hands. When he leaned forward, her eyes fluttered shut, and then she felt the light press of a kiss on her forehead.
It had been ten years since he’d last kissed her like that, but it felt like just yesterday.
His hands moved from her face, and when Amelia opened her eyes to look up at him, she saw affection in his expression. Something she’d never thought she’d see again.
He took a couple of steps back from her. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
Amelia nodded, then watched as he turned and jogged to the stairs. Just before he disappeared, he turned and blew her a kiss.
She stood for a minute, staring at the empty stairs. When she turned to open the door to her apartment, Amelia realized she was smiling.
That was not good.
She was in no position to be happy that Ben wanted them to try again. He might think differently, but she knew. Her life was too much of a mess to be considering a relationship.
Even though it went against everything inside her heart, she knew she couldn’t let him get his hopes up that this time would be different.