CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN #2
Moving to the living room, Amelia sat on the couch and pulled her legs up beneath her. The silence of her apartment pressed in on her.
She reached for her phone again, tempted to text Ben for an update, but stopped herself. He would contact her when he could. The last thing he needed was her pestering him for information while he was dealing with a family emergency.
The silence of her apartment was oppressive, and restlessness overwhelmed Amelia. She couldn’t focus on anything as she waited to hear from Ben.
Finally, she pulled up her contacts and called her mom.
“Hey, sweetie,” her mom said when she answered. “How’re you doing?”
“I’m fine,” she said, not wanting to get into a discussion of her own physical or mental state right then. “Have you heard that Mr. Burke collapsed?”
There was a beat of silence before Charli said, “No. We hadn’t heard that. Is he okay?”
“I don’t know. I was eating lunch with Ben when he got the call. They said they were taking him by helicopter to Coeur d’Alene.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. I wonder if Cole and Annie need help with the kids. Maybe I should contact Cole and see.”
“If Cole gives you an update, can you let me know?”
“Sure thing, sweetie,” Charli said. “And at some point in the near future, we’re going to circle back around to chatting about you spending time with Ben.”
Amelia gave a huff. “It’s nothing, Mom.”
“I seriously doubt that,” Charli said. “But we’ll leave that for the time being. For now, I’ll contact Cole and see what’s going on.”
After they said goodbye, Amelia went back out onto the balcony. She climbed onto the stool at the table and set down the glass of water she’d poured for herself.
As she watched her neighbors go about their lives, her mind went back to her conversation with Ben. Given what he’d said earlier, she knew that as he faced this health crisis with his dad, his faith would remain strong.
About six months after she’d been forced to retire, Layla had suggested that maybe she should see a Christian counselor to help her deal with what was happening.
Amelia had rejected the idea at the time because she hadn’t wanted to deal with it.
She hadn’t wanted to move to the acceptance stage of her situation.
She’d felt like she was entitled to be angry at God.
Amelia stared off into the distance at the mountains and tried to take a mental step back. She needed to separate herself from the emotional impact of what had happened to her. What was happening to her.
The binder had brought with it a clarity that she’d still been resisting accepting. She had the diagnosis that had been so elusive, but she still didn’t want to accept that her symptoms were going to be a permanent part of her life.
There was no cure for what she had.
Amelia knew she had to move from enduring her life with the diagnosis to learning how to thrive with it. Thriving wouldn’t look the same as it once had, and that was part of why she’d struggled so much with her anger towards God.
But was she going to live her life steeped in anger?
Anger at God? Anger at her body? Anger at the disease that weakened her? Angry that she’d lost the future she’d dreamed of?
Amelia sighed. She didn’t want to live her life in anger and disappointment.
It would be too draining to continue to carry the anger while she dealt with the demands of her illness.
Amelia crossed her arms on the table and bent forward to rest her head on them.
Tears pricked at her eyes as she once again revisited the losses that she’d allowed to fuel her anger. Losses that were permanent. Parts of her she’d never get back.
The identity she’d carried for so long was gone, and she needed to accept it.
Amelia Madden, Olympic figure skating medalist, was no more.
Now she was simply Amelia Madden… part-time church secretary. Volunteer coffee server.
It hadn’t been about the fame and fortune. It had been her personal quest to be the best at the one thing she was good at.
Once she’d realized that she had a talent for skating, all she’d wanted to do was be the best she could be.
What was she supposed to be the best at now?
She couldn’t even be the best person to support Ben.
Tears slipped from her eyes, splashing onto the table beneath her arms.
She wanted to be there for him, but it was clear that she wasn’t able to.
Ben wouldn’t let her, even though he'd been so insistent that he wanted to be with her, diagnosis and all.
Amelia straightened and wiped at her tears. She checked her phone again—still nothing. The silence was unbearable.
She pushed herself up from the table, wincing as her joints protested the movement. A dull ache had settled into her body as she’d sat there.
Moving back inside, Amelia went into her bedroom and laid down on her bed, shifting around to get into the most comfortable position.
As she lay there, she prayed for Ben and his family. Especially Duncan. Though God hadn’t answered any of her prayers for herself, she hoped that He would answer her prayers for the Burke family.
She tacked on a prayer that God would help her let go of her anger.
Though she’d often been described as intense and reserved, Amelia had always felt joyful. Not only because of her skating, but just in life in general.
Even after the breakup with Ben, she’d still found joy in her life, though there had been moments of sadness when she’d missed him terribly.
But since she’d retired, there had been no joy. And she couldn’t continue living like that.
What sort of life would that be?
Maybe she wouldn’t have the big momentous things in her life to find joy in, like winning the Olympic or World Figure Skating gold medal, but there were plenty of other things in life that she could find joy in.
She’d been choosing to stay mired in what she’d lost, and it had been easy to do that when she hadn’t known exactly what was happening with her body. But now that she knew there was no hope of regaining her old life, she had a choice to make.
Her phone rang, interrupting her thoughts. She reached out and snatched it up from where she’d set it on the bed beside her when she’d laid down.
The screen revealed it was her mom calling back, and while she would have liked a call from Ben more, Amelia didn’t hesitate to answer it.
“I was able to talk to Cole,” she said. “He, Annie, and the kids were at the estate when Duncan collapsed.”
“Oh, no,” Amelia said. “That must have been scary for the kids.”
“Yeah. Cole said they were pretty upset.”
“Are the kids with Cole?”
“No. Kiara stayed with all the kids until the housekeeper and her daughter showed up to watch them. Kiara then went with Ben and his bodyguard.”
“So they’re all there at the hospital?”
“Yes, but so far they don’t have any news.”
“Is Duncan still alive?”
“Yes,” her mom said. “He’s alive, but they’re running a bunch of tests to try to figure out why he collapsed.”
“Have they been able to talk to him?”
“Cole said that Elizabeth had been in to see him, but no one else. He said they’ve rented a short-term rental home near the hospital, and it sounds like Ben will be staying there with his mom for the time being.”
“Wow, they’ve organized things quickly.”
“I think it gave Annie something to do,” her mom said. “Get things organized while waiting for some answers. Plus, Cole said something about Jude having to make sure the security was arranged.”
“Security is a big issue for Duncan, so I guess they probably wanted to make sure that they could reassure him that it was taken care of.”
“The last thing he needs is more stress,” Charli said.
“Thanks for letting me know what’s going on. I appreciate it.”
“It’s no problem, sweetie,” her mom said. “I’ll let you know if Cole calls again with an update.”
“Thanks.”
After the call, Amelia shifted onto her back, her phone clutched to her chest. She was glad to hear that Duncan was still alive, and she knew that would be a relief for Ben as well.
Amelia didn’t know if she should text Ben or not. She didn’t want to bother him, but she also wanted him to know that she was there for him. She only wished that she could be with him the way Cole was there for Annie.
Unfortunately, Ben hadn’t wanted her to go with him. And while she understood why, it wasn’t how she wanted a relationship to be. If he wouldn’t let her be there for him the way he’d want to be there for her, what sort of relationship would they truly have?
It would feel one-sided and like all she did was take from Ben, when she wanted to be able to give to him too. Especially in the difficult moments.
If Ben couldn’t see that he needed to allow her to be there for him, then she couldn’t see how a relationship between them could work.