CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT #2
"I'm still getting used to the idea that this is… permanent,” she said as she lifted a fry from the container in front of her. “That there won't ever be a cure, just management."
Ben watched her carefully, noting the slight tightening of her mouth as she spoke. She was clearly wrestling with the reality of her situation in a way she hadn't been before. The diagnosis had forced her to confront what she'd been avoiding.
All the information he’d read in the binder had made him hopeful that there would be a way for her to live a full life that wasn’t always dominated by pain and fatigue. He understood that she’d have good and bad days, but he viewed what he’d learned as a positive thing.
It hadn’t occurred to him that she might still have been hoping for a complete recovery.
“I’m sorry that the news wasn’t better on that front,” he said, taking in her downcast face. “I truly wish that they had been able to pinpoint something that had a definite cure.”
“I had an idea what might be happening in my body,” she said with a dejected shrug. “I guess I just hoped that I was wrong.”
“That’s understandable,” Ben said, trying to console her.
For the past week, as he’d dealt with his dad’s situation, he’d been focused forward. They had information. They knew what she was dealing with. They had a plan for treatment.
It was only now that he was realizing that she was still mourning what she’d lost, even as she took tentative steps forward in this new, unwanted chapter of her life.
He searched for the words to say to offer encouragement without downplaying how she was feeling, but he couldn’t find them. Even with all the money in the world, he couldn’t help lift this burden from the woman he loved.
Ben wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so helpless. But what he needed her to know was that however her journey unfolded, he’d be at her side.
As he watched her across the table, he could see that her spark was dimmed. In fact, it seemed like she was the lowest he’d seen her yet. And it had nothing to do with her pain and fatigue levels.
“What can I do to help you?” he asked. Since he was clueless, he needed her to guide him.
She looked up at him, her gaze heavy with sadness and defeat.
“I need space.”
Ben’s breath caught in his chest. “Space?”
“I know you want a relationship, Ben,” she said, her words spoken with careful softness. “But I need time. I thought finding out what was happening with my body would make things easier, but I’m struggling.”
“And you want to struggle alone?” Ben asked.
She looked away. Her gaze grew distant as she stared at the lake. “It’s not just that.”
“Then what else is there?” Ben asked. “I love you and want to help you through this.”
“I know you do,” she said, her eyes meeting his again. “And I love you, but I can’t be in a lopsided relationship.”
He wanted to focus only on what she’d said about loving him, but he couldn’t. “What do you mean?”
“You can support and be there for me, but apparently I can’t do the same for you.”
Ben frowned. “Why would you say that?”
She stared at him. “Because it happened already.”
He had a sinking feeling in his stomach as it dawned on him what she was talking about. “My dad?”
She gave a single nod. “I’m not saying you were wrong to say that it was better I stay here. In fact, you were probably right.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that I don’t want to live that way,” she said, looking down at her food. “I want to know that I can support the man I love and care for. Right now, I don’t think I’m in a position to do that.”
“You don’t need to be in a position to support me right now in order for us to be together. Relationships have times when one person needs more support than the other, and then there are other times when the reverse is true.”
“But we don’t know that I’ll ever be able to support you the way I want to.”
Ben felt the weight of truth in her words, and it brought with it a sense of dread.
“I don’t want to go into a relationship knowing that I could be a burden. That there would be times you needed support and I couldn’t give it to you.” She rubbed her fingers across her mouth. “And if there’s a need I can’t fill, what stops someone else from filling it?”
Ben jerked as if he’d been slapped. “You think I would cheat on you?”
“No. I’m just saying that I don’t like the idea that I might not be able to give you something you need, and that you would have to turn to friends and other family to have that need fulfilled.”
Ben didn’t know how to respond. How to convince her that whatever she could give him would always be enough.
“I need time to adjust to all of this,” Amelia said. “I need to know what I have to offer a relationship. Right now, it feels like nothing.”
“I don’t believe that,” Ben said.
“I know.” Amelia gave him a fleeting smile. “But it’s what I believe. Put yourself in my shoes. What if it had been my dad who had collapsed, and I needed to rush to his side? Would you have wanted to go with me?”
“Well, yes. Of course.”
“And if I told you that I didn’t think you were up to supporting me? How would that make you feel?”
“That’s…” Ben was about to say it was different, but he bit back the words. It might feel different for him, but he knew it wouldn’t feel different to her.
“Just give me some space and time,” Amelia said. “Just… I need to learn how to live with this diagnosis.”
Amelia's words hung in the air between them. Ben's chest tightened as he processed what she was asking for—space, time away from him. The very opposite of what he wanted.
"Will you at least keep me updated on how you're doing?" he asked, his voice rougher than he intended.
She hesitated, and when she did reply, it wasn’t with the yes he wanted.
"I'm not saying goodbye forever, Ben. I just need time to figure some things out on my own."
He nodded slowly, trying to respect her decision even as everything in him rebelled against agreeing to space between them and time apart.
The remainder of their meal passed with stilted conversation, and then the evening ended far sooner than Ben had hoped.
The only positive thing had been the hug they’d shared before Ben had left her at the door of her apartment. It had been a hard moment for Ben, not knowing when—or even if—he’d be back in her life the way he longed to be.
But for the second time in his life, he did as Amelia asked and walked away. Only this time, he didn’t plan to cut contact the way he had as a teen.