Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Lana’s opening met the tip of his cock and she slid down. They both gasped at the sensations. She was so tight around him.
Max felt his orgasm already imminent, so he held her hips to slow her down. Her talented mouth had already gotten him close, but the feeling of being inside her with no barriers? It was over the top.
“I’ve never gone bare before.” With his rule of three, he’d never developed that level of trust with anyone. But he got tested on a regular basis, and he wasn’t worried about pregnancy for certain…reasons. That was something he might need to mention if this thing between them kept going.
But not now. Jesus, he could hardly concentrate. Lana’s lush naked body was perched on his dick. How the fuck had he lucked into this?
“I’ve never gone bare, either,” Lana told him.
He couldn’t help grinning. Once again, he was having her in a way no other man had before. That gave him a private, possessive thrill.
“Okay, we can move now. I won’t lose my shit like a teenager.”
She rocked her hips, and he pumped into her.
He loved how wet she was, how slickly their bodies moved.
Max brushed her hair back from her shoulders and face.
He had this inexplicable swelling feeling in his chest, nothing he’d experienced with any other woman.
Like he wanted to do more for her, be more, and he had no idea how he’d ever be enough. But damn, he was going to try.
Lana braced her hands on his shoulders, chasing her own pleasure against his cock. Her tits bounced hypnotically. Yes, more, he thought. With Lana, he always wanted more.
He felt her start to come even before she cried out, her channel tightening around him. That was all he needed to set him off. His hips bucked and he shouted, his balls emptying everything they had into her.
Lana slumped into him. His dick was still pulsing inside of her. With his eyes drifting closed, Max kissed her head and her shoulder, rubbing her back.
I love you, he thought.
He’d been drowsing, but now his eyes popped open. Where the hell had that come from?
She raised her head, smiling. “I might consider getting off of your lap, but I’m afraid to make a mess on your fancy couch.”
“Oh.” Max grabbed hold of her and stood. Lana yelped, arms reaching for his neck. He was still inside of her. He walked them both to the bathroom to clean up. Not that he cared so much about the mess, but he wanted an excuse to take care of her.
The faucet splashed warm water into the sink. He ran a washcloth under it and wiped it gently over Lana’s legs, then himself. They both brushed teeth, got ready for bed, kissing in between.
After that, he picked her up again, cradling her slender form against his chest.
“Max, I do know how to walk.”
“But why should you have to?”
He took her to bed, switching off lights along the way. They snuggled beneath the covers. In the dark, he stared at the ceiling.
I love her.
Oh my god. I love her.
Could that really be right? Max loved Aurora, even certain friends, especially from the army. But that “love” was nothing like what he was feeling now.
The longer he lay there, the more intense the feeling grew. A throat-squeezing, chest-collapsing anguish that was also, somehow, the most potent and exhilarating thing he’d ever experienced.
The more he thought about it, the more he knew it was true. He’d felt a weaker form of this same sensation around Lana countless times before. Excitement to be near her, which he’d chalked up to residual lust from their past fling. Restlessness when they were apart.
Maybe he’d been in love with her for a long time.
Max wasn’t afraid of many things. He wasn’t afraid to tell her. But there were other important things he had to tell her first.
He didn’t really want to do this. But Lana was worth every risk. Including the truth.
And if Lana was going to be with him, then she needed to know exactly what she was getting.
He turned onto his side. He could see her in the dim light, sleepy but still awake.
“Hi,” she said.
“Thinking about the trial tomorrow?”
“Yep. Going over my questioning of Claire Barnes in my head. It’s going to be a big day. But you look like you have something on your mind, too. What is it?”
He brushed her cheek. “It’s okay. It can wait.” That’s a cop out, he thought. But he didn’t want to distract her from tomorrow.
“Tell me.”
Shit. Here goes.
He licked his lips. “You asked a few days ago if there was some reason that I think I’m shitty at relationships. Some specific reason. There is, and I need to tell you.” He pushed a breath out of his lungs. He really did need to do this, though it wouldn’t be easy.
“Okay.” She sat up, tugging the covers around her to keep warm.
He propped his arm against the mattress, resting his head on his hand.
“I have had a girlfriend before. But not since high school. Tori. We dated for two years.”
“Wait. Two years?”
“Yeah, I know. Hard to believe. It started out casual. For me, anyway. I liked her, but I didn’t take it too seriously.
I was busy with my friends, stuff that I wanted to do.
My teachers said I was driven, that I should plan for college, but I knew that wasn’t right for me.
I wanted to get out of West Oaks. Get away from my parents.
But I wanted to do something that mattered to me, and that wasn’t ever going to be academics. ”
He ran a finger down Lana’s arm, needing that sense of connection with her.
“I saw how my mom and dad lived paycheck to paycheck, often falling short. I wanted to believe I could be more than that. It wasn’t that I didn’t respect their jobs in the service industry.
I’ll respect anybody who works hard, no matter where they came from, or what job title they have.
But my parents were so irresponsible. They shirked off work when they felt like it, spent more than they had.
Expected me to get a job at fifteen to help them make up the difference.
Aurora has this rosy idea of who our parents were, like they were doing the best they could.
But I don’t agree. I’ve forgiven them, but…
They could’ve done a lot more to prevent what happened later, having to send Aurora away to keep themselves afloat. ”
Max sat up and put his arm around Lana. He couldn’t keep still. This next part was harder.
“Never once did I think about where Tori, my girlfriend, would fit into my life after graduation.
I thought we were just having fun, passing the time.
She said she loved me, and I probably said it back, just because that was easier.
And I thought maybe I did love her. Even though I had no idea what that really meant.
“But near the end of senior year, she invited me to dinner at her house. Her father pulled me aside and said he was happy to welcome me into the family, and that he’d help me pay for a ring.
He just wanted to know when I’d hurry up and pop the question, because he knew I was fucking her, and it was about time. ”
“Wow,” Lana breathed. “That’s a lot of pressure at eighteen.”
No kidding. “I was in shock, pretty much. I talked to Tori after, and she was on the exact same page as her dad. Two years was plenty of time to know we loved each other, and since neither of us was headed to college, it made sense to settle down. I told her I needed to think.”
Max’s stomach churned as he thought of what happened after.
“What did you do?”
“The next day, I went to a recruitment office and joined the army.”
“Really? The next day? Had you been planning to enlist?”
“No. Never. I just walked past it, saw the sign, went in. On impulse. No real thought.”
It had been pure instinct to walk into that office. He hadn’t known what to do about Tori. He’d liked her a lot. Hadn’t even wanted to break up. Tori was a good, sweet girl who was worthy of real love.
But the thought of getting married, having kids, playing out his parents’ lives? He’d felt himself shriveling up on the inside. It was like thinking about dying.
He’d needed to escape. That was the only thing that mattered. Run.
“It’s not like they shipped me out that afternoon, like it was World War II, or something.
The recruiter asked me all kinds of questions about why I wanted to join.
At first, maybe I was bullshitting, but the more I talked to him, the more it made sense.
Like somehow, I’d known all along, deep down?
And of course, it was a great fit for me in the end.
But that was just it. I wasn’t thinking of anybody but myself. ”
“What happened to Tori?”
“She was confused, and shocked, but willing to consider life as an army wife. Then I told her I didn’t want her with me. She was devastated. Heartbroken. Of course, she was. I mean, who does that? My girlfriend basically asked me to marry her, and I joined the army to get away from her?”
“That’s obviously not the only reason. You said it was the right place for you.”
He rubbed his temples. “I wasn’t thinking of Aurora, either. How I’d be leaving her with my parents to fend for herself.”
Lana stayed quiet for a minute or two. Max’s thoughts were spinning out, the way they always did when he remembered that time in his life.
“But I didn’t just join the army, L. There’s more.”
“Yeah?”
“I got a vasectomy.”
She didn’t say a word.
“It took a while to find a doctor willing to do it, since I was so young. But I kept thinking that if Tori had been pregnant, I’d have been stuck.
Trapped inside a life that, for me, was as good as death.
Or maybe even worse than death. That’s why I’m shit at relationships.
Because I’ve never been good at giving up my freedom for someone else.
That’s why…you need to understand what I have to offer. It might not be everything you want.”
And nowhere near everything you deserve.
“Okay,” she said slowly. “You don’t want kids?”
Just the word made his anxiety ratchet upward. “I’m not sure.” If he could want a family with anyone, it would be her.
“I mean, if we’re talking about this… Vasectomies can get reversed, theoretically. But I’m focused on my career. I’m nowhere near ready to think about those kinds of decisions.”
“Neither am I. Believe me.”
“So, let’s set that aside. Are you telling me you don’t want marriage? Or that you don’t want any long-term relationship? Ever?”
“I don’t know.” His voice sounded so small.
He hadn’t been able to give up his own wants for a woman before. But maybe he could for Lana… Maybe. He liked to think so.
I just know that I love you, he thought.
Yet, after what he’d just told her, those words felt like a demand. Love me back, even though I’m offering you no commitment whatsoever.
“Can we take this one day at a time?” Max asked. That wasn’t even truly what he wanted. But he thought that was the safest course for them both. So that her expectations wouldn’t be too high.
“Of course. We can do that.” She kissed his forehead. “If you’re offering more days like today, it won’t be too hard to convince me.”
Relief crashed over him, but somehow it still didn’t feel right. Like he’d gotten away with something.
They settled back under the covers, arms wrapped around one another. He wanted to make her happy. He didn’t want to lose her. Taking this day by day could be enough for them both. For now.
Until he was ready to tell her how he really felt, and she was ready to hear it.