Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Lana spent the next three days in bed. She didn’t shower.
She barely ate. Instead, she replayed her fight with Max over and over again, questioning everything she’d said.
Wishing he hadn’t insisted on having that conversation.
And wishing that she had found some way to separate her disappointment in herself from her feelings for him.
She didn’t think they’d broken up, but she figured Max believed it. Yet she wasn’t ready to talk to him again, either. She would probably just end up saying the wrong things. She needed more time to get her thoughts in order. And to grieve over what she’d lost.
And maybe a small part of her knew that being with Max right now would be a comfort, but it was a comfort she didn’t deserve.
The very hardest part was that she couldn’t lean on her best friend. Aurora had come by the house twice, first when she heard the news about the mistrial, and again with groceries. But Lana had refused as kindly as possible to see her.
If she told Aurora about everything that happened with Max, then Aurora was going to take her side. But if Aurora sided against her brother, that would just end up hurting Max even more. Lana loved him too much to do that to him.
Early on the fourth day, Lana’s doorbell rang. She checked the app on her phone, where she could see the feed from the doorbell camera.
It was Devon.
He spoke, and the microphone picked up what he said. “Lana, you’re going to have to open up. If you don’t, I’ll assume that you’re in distress, and I’ll have to break down the door.”
She grabbed her robe and padded over to let him in. The door creaked as it opened. “I’m just warning you, there are some very strong smells in here.”
“I’ve lived in a barracks full of soldiers. I promise you, whatever you’ve got, I’ve smelled worse.”
They went into the living room. Lana plopped onto the couch, crossing her arms. “Did Aurora send you?”
Or maybe it had been Max. But she couldn’t bring herself to say his name.
Devon took an armchair. He wasn’t facing Lana head on, which she appreciated. “Aurora’s been worried. But so have I. You and I are friends, right? I wanted to make sure you haven’t had any more trouble from the stalker.”
She rubbed a crust of sleep and dried tears from her eyes. “Wayfair has no more reason to bother me. He’s already won.”
That was the only tiny silver lining in all of this. She didn’t have to worry about the stupid stalker anymore. It had all been a farce from the beginning. A show. But she’d genuinely been scared and was relieved it was over.
Devon nodded. “That’s what we thought, but I’m glad to have it confirmed. I also wanted to check on how you were doing otherwise. I’m really sorry about the trial. That was messed up, what went down.”
“Yup. It definitely was. I feel awful, and it’s not getting better. And my boss doesn’t want me in the office, so I have nothing else to focus on.”
“Damn, that sucks. Really sucks.”
“Yeah. Sucks hard.”
“Fuck that Paxton Wayfair guy. Fuck that guy right up the ass.”
She could almost feel the glimmer of an urge to smile. It wasn’t much, but it was an improvement.
“Is there more bothering you than the trial?” Devon asked. “Not that this Wayfair guy and losing the trial isn’t reason enough to be upset. But it’s hard to believe you’d let a sleazeball like that keep you down.”
Devon wasn’t great at subtle hinting. His intention was obvious. He already knew about Max. “Did he say something to you?”
Devon cringed. “It was Sylvie. We all noticed you’d left, but she’s the one who first guessed the reason.
She wanted to call you, but she didn’t feel like it was her place.
If you want, we can talk about him. Or, I don’t have to mention that subject again.
It’s up to you. I totally get why you’re not able discuss this with Aurora.
But I wanted you to know that I’m available. As a stand-in best friend.”
That statement was so sweet she almost cried. But after the past few days, she was cried out.
“I’m not ready to talk about…that. But a stand-in best friend sounds pretty nice. If that means you’ll watch trashy reality TV with me.”
“You think I don’t with Aurora? Let’s see what those housewives are up to.”
They cued up a new season of a show on demand and started a binge watch. At some point around the third episode, Lana got up and took a shower. When she came out, Devon was still sitting there, absorbed in the cat fighting and name-calling.
“You can’t say that about her man and not expect to get slapped,” he muttered at the TV.
Lana heard herself laugh. She was tempted to take a picture of the burly bodyguard watching trash TV in her living room and send it to Aurora. “Want to order pizza for lunch?”
He looked over. “Can I get the one with pineapple? Aurora never lets me order it.”
Lana laughed again. “Let’s get all the pineapple. And the garlic and anchovies. As long as they’re not on the same pizza.”
Two more episodes and a pizza delivery later, Lana turned down the volume on the TV.
“How’s Max?” she asked quietly.
His name on her lips sent shivers down her skin. She missed him so much.
“Torn up. He’s only come down to the workroom once since the mistrial, and when he did, he looked…hollow. I haven’t known him that long, but Sylvie said she’s never seen him like this.”
She hated the thought of Max upset. But at least he hadn’t moved on, just acting like their relationship never happened. She couldn’t have taken that.
“I wish I could talk to him. But what could I say?”
“Are you mad at him?”
“Not really. I was a little at first, but that burned out quick.”
“Last time I talked to you, you and Max seemed happy. You weren’t sure where it was going, but you seemed eager to get there.”
“I was. I have a history with Max.” She debated admitting the rest, since Aurora didn’t know yet. But it was the truth, and Aurora would find out eventually. “I’ve been in love with him since forever.”
“Then maybe you’re punishing yourself? No offense, I just don’t see why you’re sitting here alone and sad. If you were with Max, at least you could be miserable together.”
The man had a point.
So, why couldn’t she pick up her phone and call the guy she loved?
“I hope you don’t think I’m talking out of my ass here,” Devon added.
“Before Aurora, I knew a few things about being lonely and miserable, even though I had my mom and sister around me. I was holding myself to an impossible standard. Like the whole world would collapse if I wasn’t there, single-handedly holding it up.
I thought that my responsibilities were more important than my own dreams or desires.
But there’s a way to take care of both. It might be messy, and you might even fuck some things up.
I know I did. But you can’t put the weight of all the world’s problems or injustices on your shoulders, Lana. You’ll lose your mind that way.”
“I ruined any chance that Ryan Hearst would be held accountable for murdering Heather Barnes. Ruined most of the chances, anyway. How can I get over that?”
“But you’re the entire reason Ryan Hearst was brought to trial in the first place.
If you weren’t working on that case, if you hadn’t brought Max in to help, then nobody would really know for sure that Hearst did it.
You got closer than anybody else. Doesn’t that count for something, too?
And like you said, there’s still a chance.
But you’re not the only lawyer out there.
You’re not the only person who’s capable of solving this.
Wouldn’t it be slightly arrogant to think that you were? ”
Arrogant. Like Max had called himself so many times. Had she been arrogant to assume that if she’d failed to nail Hearst, everyone else would necessarily fail too?
“Maybe you’re right,” she said, “and I should just let the other people in the office handle this. But that’s not me. My work has never been easy, but it matters to me. I can’t give it up.”
Devon had found a way to balance his duties with his desires. But the problem was, Lana had no official duties anymore. Her boss had banished her.
“If I go back to Max now, I feel like I’ll be admitting that I have nothing else left but him. He doesn’t want that kind of pressure. And I don’t want that kind of relationship.”
“So, don’t let anybody else keep you from working on the case. If you didn’t get fired, then you still have a right to be there. Just don’t take all the burden of winning onto yourself.”
Stephen Abrams hadn’t asked for her resignation yet. He’d claimed that he didn’t want to lose her. And when he’d asked her to step aside, she hadn’t put up much of a fight. She could’ve insisted on being a part of the team, but instead she’d been too busy feeling guilty.
She did want to fix things with Max. Somehow, she would, if he still wanted her. But first, she had to reclaim her place. She had to get back to work.
That afternoon, after Devon had left, Lana got onto her computer and checked her work inbox.
It was ugly.
There were emails from reporters asking for comment.
There were messages from concerned coworkers and her contacts in the legal community.
Lana deleted most things, responding to those people she knew well.
She tried to keep things vague, since she didn’t know yet what Stephen and the rest of the office had been strategizing.
But she was keeping up with her mantra: I’m not going to give up.
She didn’t know if Claire Barnes would come around to the idea of testifying again. But even if she didn’t, Lana was going to keep pushing forward. There had to be a way, and she would find it. Even if she couldn’t see it yet.
And as for running for DA? She was still only twenty-nine.
If she’d gotten elected, she would’ve been the youngest DA in West Oaks history.
She still had plenty of time to rebuild her reputation and run at some future point.
If that was even what she ended up wanting.
Because she had Max to think about now, too.
She wanted a life with him. And running for political office was definitely a decision that should include her partner.
Lana had fought for so much of what she wanted when it came to her career. But with Max, she’d simply let him slip away from her for so many years. She wasn’t going to do that again.
But first things first. She picked up her phone and called Trevor.
Her second chair answered right away. “Lana! Thank god. Stephen just asked me for a fifty-state research memo, and I’m totally stuck.”
She suppressed a smile. “Back up a minute. Can you give me an update on what’s been happening in the office? I know I’ve been out of touch. Sorry I didn’t call before.”
“No, I totally understood. Everything that happened in the Hearst trial… It was wrong. Everybody here is saying it. We’re all completely behind you. I didn’t want to bother you because Stephen said we shouldn’t. But now that you’re back…”
She talked through the trouble Trevor was having.
It felt good to flex her mind a little bit, dig into a specific legal question.
And it had to do with another case, which gave her a much-needed break from thinking about the Hearst trial.
But eventually, she brought the subject back to their ill-fated case.
“Has Stephen said anything about plans for the appeal on Hearst?”
“Not yet. We’ve all been scrambling here without you. Seriously, Lana, people have been panicking. We’re so behind already. Everyone’s going to be relieved to know you’re back on the team. Honestly, I don’t think even the DA knows what we should do about Hearst. Please tell me you have some ideas.”
She bit her lip, drumming her fingers against the table in her home office.
“I have a lot of ideas, actually.” Since Devon had left, her brain had been pulling all kinds of strategies out of thin air.
It was like she’d had a mental block the last few days, and she just needed a friend to help her clear it.
Lana checked the time. Almost three. If they moved fast, they’d have plenty of daylight left. “But first, do you want to ride shotgun with me to downtown L.A.? We can strategize on the way. Maybe grab a French dip sandwich while we’re there.”
“I guess so,” Trevor said. “But why?
“I think we owe Paxton Wayfair a visit.”