CHAPTER 36
*PAST*
“Home, sweet home”
Maya
After eating some mac and cheese and taking a quick shower, making sure that my right arm didn’t get wet, I went to bed again. I turned and tossed, not being able to fall asleep. My mind kept repeating what my mom had said about me. It pained me to hear her hurtful words. I was also extremely embarrassed that all this had happened in front of Aaron and his family.
Luckily, they didn’t believe her and defended me, and I couldn’t even explain how much it meant. I wanted to be understanding of my mother, but today there were lines that were crossed so I couldn’t know if I would ever trust her again.
There was also the mystery of the book. I knew that I hadn’t stolen it. I didn’t want to believe that my parents would steal something and let their kid carry their blame, but I wasn’t her biggest fan at the moment, and I couldn’t put this below them.
I did know how enraged they were about the Willows asking them if I had the book. They couldn’t believe that they would imply something so horrible. They called them names and talked badly about them. I did remember that they told me that people like them thought they were above people like us, because they did have tons of money. While for us, it was hard to get to the end of month. I was sad and angry; that was what I remembered the most. I couldn’t believe someone who seemed so sweet and treated me with so much love could think that I was a thief. That I would take something that meant so much to him like his precious book.
I wished things had been different back then. If my mom was behind the theft of the book or knew about it but never said anything, I would never forgive her. She wouldn’t have just hurt my reputation; she would have hurt Aaron, too.
She would have made us lose so much time. Maybe things would have ended up the same if the book dilemma didn’t happen, but that was something for us to decide, not external factors.
I looked at the ceiling. It was plain white. The bed was soft, the sheets silky. They smelled like pines and lavender. It was a relaxing smell. My hair smelled different, too. I had used a shampoo that I had found in the shower. Well, actually I’d opened the four of them that were there and found the one that smelled like Aaron. It soothed me. I couldn’t ask him to come to bed with me, even if it was only for having him next to me. I wanted to respect the Willows’ rules and be their best guest, but the selfish part wanted to sneak into Aaron’s sheets, right into his arms, and let him reassure me that everything was going to be okay. So, the shampoo was the best solution. It needed to be all for now.
I started to count the things in the room. Three lamps, two closets, six drawers, one big bed. When I ran out of things to count, I started to make lists. How many tournaments I had left, good ideas to write in the school’s newspaper, what things do you needed to go to the beach … slowly but surely, I started to fall asleep.
When I woke up, the sun was hiding. I felt rested and hungry. Someone was knocking on the door. I opened it. It was Mrs. Willow.
“Maya, darling, you need to take your pills. I brought you some water.”
She gave me the glass, and I left it on the bedside. I forgot about it. “We made dinner. Do you want to come with us?”
She had a gentle smile on.
“I would love to, but I only have the pajamas that Aaron gave me. He put my clothes in the washing machine.”
“Don’t worry, you can grab whatever you need from the girls.”
“Thanks. Are you sure that they wouldn’t mind?”
“I’m more than sure. They don’t know what happened, but they know that you are staying with us. If you feel more comfortable if I’m the one lending you clothes, I can.”
“Mom, I will take care of it. She can wear my clothes,”
Aaron said, appearing front the door. His mom rolled her eyes affectionately.
“I will leave you to it. Dinner is about to be ready.”
“Who is staying with your siblings?”
I asked him.
“My dad went to take care of everything. My aunt Mary was taking care of my siblings when my parents came to see what happened. She’s my mother’s sister. Tomorrow, my mom will go so she can see my grandpa, too, and bring my siblings back. Niko is going with her. Maybe we can go, if you want…”
he said, looking to the ground while moving his feet up and down. He looked nervous and shy.
“Of course. That way you can see your grandpa, too.”
Aaron nodded. Then, I followed him to his room and he lent me some jeans that were a bit loose on me and one of his dark blue shirts. When he saw me with the outfit, his eyes were shining brightly. He was about to mess with me. He was smirking down at me. I narrowed my eyes, waiting for the beginning of our fight.
“Well, well, well—”
Before he could continue, Niko came fast from his room. He had his phone on his ear, then hung up. He was serious. He stopped and stared at us for a beat, breaking the moment until he took his brother by the shirt collar and brought him down the stairs under his arm.
“Come on, little brother. The food is ready; you can flirt later.”
“You’re the worst.”
He laughed and messed up Aaron’s hair.
“Wait until you have a girlfriend. I’m going to ruin every moment.”
He laughed loudly. “Good luck with that, golden boy.”
We set the table and ate the lasagna that Niko had made. We made small talk, and no one said anything about my mom or the book. It felt wrong to be seated there without the rest of the Willows. They were loud, but I missed them.
We went to do homework and study together. I didn’t have my books with me, so he let me borrow his.
I knew I needed to go to my house to at least pack basic stuff, but every time I thought about it, I started to tremble. It did a number on me, what my father did. I never thought he would have hit me. I had seen him get violent, but never like this. He broke stuff and said nasty things but had never put his hands on me.
I needed to talk with my boss, too. I called her quickly to tell her that I was in a cast and I wasn’t able to serve tables.
I thought she had heard the rumors of what happened. Even if she gave me a position for only bringing the guests to their tables, they would be scared by my appearance. There were also those who would come just to see the damage and if the rumors were true.
The face of gossip.
The bruises had a dark shade with a hint of greenish yellow that was sickly. I didn’t look my best.
The idea of showing my face in high school on Monday made me sick. I wanted to hide inside the bed and let time pass until everyone forgot this disaster.
Aaron called my name. “What’s on your brain?”
“I was thinking about what going to high school on Monday would look like. An adventure for sure.”
“We probably should talk with the principal. Let him know what’s going on. He can make sure that everything is under control. That teachers don’t ask questions.”
“But the students will. And I just want to be left alone for some days. I don’t feel strong. I feel exhausted and like I’m going to break. The last thing I need is to break in front of the whole high school.”
“We will make sure that no one says anything. They wouldn’t dare if they knew that the principal would punish them.”
“Aaron, I think I’m going to skip high school for a couple of days. Until my bruises are less visible.”
“Maya, you are about to get the prize for going every day.”
“I don’t care about that anymore.”
“I get it, but let them say whatever they want. You told me you don’t care about that.”
“And I don’t. I didn’t, at least, but now, I don’t feel strong enough for that. I don’t want to go to work, either. Well, I don’t know if my boss will let me, either. I look scary and I’m useless with my cast on. If your family is okay, I’m going to stay here without going out for a couple of days. I will help with food and cleaning, of course.”
“Maya, your arm is broken. Just rest. It’s okay if you don’t want to go to class. I’m with you whatever you decide, but I want you to know that if you decide to go, I will defend you.”
I hugged him. He brought me closer to him and put his head on top of mine. “Your hair smells like mine.”
“I used your shampoo.”
“A coincidence?”
“No really, I picked it on purpose.”
“That’s your new tactic to distract me?”
“Is it working?”
He made a sound of affirmation while still in my arms. “I might have picked it up because I wanted to smell like you. It soothes me.”
He stilled between my arms, then cleared his throat. He removed himself from my arms and looked at me. I tried to look everywhere else but him. He grabbed my chin and made me look at him.
“Are you blushing, Amery?”
He smirked at me. “Who would have thought I would live to see the day where you blush because you said the most romantic thing to me? I should be the one blushing.”
I separated myself from him. “I love when you say things like that, Amery. It makes me believe that you are as obsessed with me as I am with you.”
My heart skipped a beat. “What? Why are you looking at me like that? You know I have had a crush on you for years. I told you so.”
I looked at him and he smiled helplessly. His shoulders lifted up and down. His hair almost covered his blue eyes.
I got closer to him and kissed his cheeks. I stayed a beat longer and then moved back to my seat. He was shocked, then his eyes blazed me with their intensity. He got closer and kissed my cheek, too. He then moved and kissed my nose, then my other cheek. When I thought he would come back to his seat, he pressed his lips to my neck, just where my pulse was beating fast. He sat down, passed his hand over his mouth and then through his hair. My eyes roamed over his body and stopped when they saw the bulge in his pants. I closed my eyes and swallowed. We were studying. I breathed in and out a couple of times. His brother was in the house. His mom was in the house!
I felt his hand touching my cheek, my jaw, my hair. Pushing my hair behind my ear. I trembled.
“Aaron, you need to stop touching me.”
His hand left my skin, and I felt the loss dearly. I opened my eyes and saw that he seemed embarrassed. I knew he was going to say sorry, and before he could, I said, “Your family is in the house. We can’t.”
“I was just caressing you. Nothing—”
“I was about to jump you.”
The silence came and he was shocked. He opened and closed his mouth, then said, “I see. Then it’s good that we stop. Seeing as I couldn’t stop the last time that we were kissing.”
I had the vivid image of him coming. He looked gorgeous and satisfied. I did that. I made him lose his sense and be a bit selfish for what he needed. It made me feel strong and desired. It was all so hot. I understood why people loved sex so much, why they talked about it and tried it out early. Why they sometimes couldn’t stop talking about it.
I knew that with another person, sex wouldn’t be the same. It still didn’t hold any appeal to do it with someone else. I just wanted Aaron.
“Maya, my love, you need to stop looking at me like that if you want me to be able to remember why we shouldn’t do this. I’m so close to throwing everything out the window.”
I moaned low. He came closer to me. “What are you thinking? What has you worked up?”
“I’m remembering when we were together.”
He said something under his breath. “I didn’t understand why people were obsessed with sex.”
“I understood. I thought about what being with you would feel like and I knew it would alter my world. It would change everything. My body wouldn’t be the same. Nor my soul. It was even better. You kissed me so passionately and looked like a goddess while I was rubbing your—”
“Aaron, we need to stop. This is so wrong. No one brings people here to spend the night.”
“They are younger.”
“Niko?” I asked.
“He doesn’t talk about it, but I think he is too focused on other things. No thinking about dating.”
“He has a lot of admirers,”
I comment.
“Are you talking about my brother, trying to kill my erection, Maya?”
I laughed.
“Is it working?”
He made a sound of protest. I laughed again. “Also, erection? Why that word?”
“Do you prefer boner, or what? Let me know your preference. Wait, I know what a romance lover like you would prefer. Hardness, bulge—”
“Stop! You are killing mine now.”
“That’s good, because now we can focus on math. I need all the blood that I can get in my brain for this, not on my … hardness.”
“You are the worst.”
“Your seduction tactics will not stop me from learning trigonometry.”
I laughed.
We continued to study until Aaron was hungry, and I followed him into the kitchen to get some cookies. He told me that he could get them alone and get them into his room, no need for me to go down, but I did want to go with him. I didn’t want him to get out of my sight. It was stupid, really, but I felt like a lost puppy that could only move her tail if she was around her master. Not that I would ever say that to Aaron. That was way too much ammunition for future jokes.
We ate the cookies and then went to sleep. Tomorrow, we would go to pick up the kids and see Aaron’s grandpa, so we wouldn’t have much time for homework. I needed to grab stuff from my house, and I needed to talk with people from my school as well as with my boss. I decided to focus on one thing at a time and fell asleep pretty quickly.
The next morning was a fast one. We woke up earlier, had breakfast, then went to their hometown. Before going, I asked Mrs. Willow, “Is it okay if I go, or would I scare the kids?”
She looked at me sadly.
“It’s more than okay that you come with us. We can tell them whatever you want, but they are going to see you sooner than later, so it’s your decision what to do.”
“I don’t want to worry them after all that they went through with their grandpa.”
“Sometimes, life is like this, more than one thing going at a time. With so many kids, we are used to one of them being sick, or hurt, or worried about things. Just because we are used to it, it doesn’t make it easier or less hurtful, but you need to understand that sometimes life throws you more than one stone at the time. And don’t get me wrong, because what happened was horrible and the operation was scary as well, but at the end of the day, both of you are out of danger, and that’s all that matters. We can help with the rest.”
After that, I simply went to the car and sat next to Aaron. Niko was next to his mom in the front of the car while she was driving. The drive was faster this time because we went by car, and in close to three hours, we got there.
When we entered, we were welcomed by the rest of the clan. They were smiling big and there were happy voices until it ceased. They looked at my state and kept silent. The parents tried to break the tension.
“Did you fall from a tree?”
Lizzie asked.
I was going to say yes. I thought it was the perfect opportunity for a different story. I had my head up. I just had to roll with it, but Cassie came next to her with tears down her face.
She was sobbing. She looked at my face and then my arm. She tried to stop it but couldn’t. She put her hands over her face, but the hiccups could be heard.
“I—They told me, but I—I—”
“It’s okay, Cassie. Why don’t we go to the kitchen?”
I looked down and saw that baby Ayla was crying, too, probably scared after seeing my face and her sister’s reaction to it. She started to cry loudly until her dad grabbed her and put her softly in his arms.
“It’s fine, baby girl. Maya is all right. She needs some time to heal up, but everything is okay.”
I couldn’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions that the little one had to face these couple of days.
I mean, I had my own rollercoaster, but she was just so little and sweet. I knew that they tried to tell her as little as possible, but she wasn’t stupid. She knew that her grandpa was sick and that all were very worried about him, and now she realized that all were worried about me, too.
I understood even better what Mrs. Willow had told me about having so many kids and so many things that could go wrong at the same time. Even if it was less serious things like now. I had even more respect for them after growing up and realizing that the house that I went to when I was a kid wasn’t a magical place. It was a real one with people with worries and problems. They were lucky that one of those problems wasn’t money, but they still had them.
I felt Aaron’s arm on my shoulder while Niko went in front of us and pushed their brothers swiftly towards the living room.
“Team, we need to be ready as soon as possible. I will say fifteen minutes tops. I’m talking food and clothes, any presents that you have made for grandpa, and anything—”
“Follow me,”
Aaron said while putting his hand on the back of my back. I climbed the stairs with him by my side until we got to his room. “I need to grab some stuff from my room.”
I sat on his bed. I kept looking at the photo that he had of us when we were kids. I raised and grabbed it while he kept looking in his closet. He stopped when he saw me with the frame.
“I saw it the first time that I got into your room before we—you know. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. I couldn’t decipher why you would have it. I mean, we were starting to be friends again, but it seemed like you had the photo from before.”
“I have had it for quite some time. Many years, actually. I didn’t remember that Mom took a photo of us that day for a while. Then it hit me and I searched for it. We were competing at that time, obviously, but I don’t know … it felt nice to have the photo.”
“And the frame?”
“You love fairies. We read that book of fairies the first time that you came home, too. The one with the smells, do you remember?”
I smiled. “Of course. It was like I was discovering magic.”
“It was pretty surprising that they actually smelled like chocolate—”
“No. I mean, you and your family. You were all so nice and sweet and you became my best friend so easily. It’s always hard for me to have friends, but with you, it was so easy. I remember thinking how you became such an important person so fast.”
“It was the same for me. You made being my best friend easy. You know that I was homeschooled until that point and the only kids that I was around were either my siblings or other family members. I was scared of having to make friends, but when I met you it was so easy. Then it happened. I got to school and realized that the bond that we had wasn’t normal. That it was hard to make friends and harder to have the type of bond that we had. That easiness.”
“Are you calling me easy, Willow?”
He laughed while shaking his head. “You know what I’m talking about.”
“I know. The peace.”
“Exactly.”
“And they gave you the prize for the best vocabulary of the class. Unbelievable.”
“Ey! I didn’t study the whole dictionary and play Scrabble non-stop for this. It was a hard-earned win,”
he said while patting his own shoulder. I hid my smile with my hand.
“Now I know your secret weapon. Scrabble. I should have seen it coming.”
“You have played with my family; you know they are savages about it. Even the small ones. Even my parents! They don’t have pity.”
They didn’t. I was shocked the first time that I saw them. They were ruthless. I had never seen Mr. and Mrs. Willow like that. It was kind of adorable how they competed unscrupulously against each other.
“Maybe we can play some when we get home. I will make you remember why I have that ribbon.”
He winked at me.
We made our way down and I talked with Cassie. She seemed better. I talked with her privately outside the house.
“I know I look bad, but it doesn’t hurt, and I’m fine. I don’t know how much your mom told you.”
“She told me that something happened, but it was yours to tell. That a doctor saw you and told you that you were okay—some bruises and a broken arm.”
“I’m going to tell you before tomorrow. I want you to know it from me so you are ready for high school, but don’t worry, I’m fine really. Your family has treated me so well.”
“There’s a lot of sadness in your eyes, Maya,”
she said sadly, in a whisper.
That took me by surprise. At first, I thought it was because of the bruises that she might think that, but then I realized that I saw that, too, in the mirror.
This had affected me big, but because of all the things that I needed to do, I tried to continue to push this to the side and continue my life. My mom hadn’t called me to see how everything was going. At least, she hadn’t talked to me, but I suspected that if my mom would have talked with Aaron’s parents, they would have told me.
I hugged her back as best as possible. She was one of my best friends, even though our relationship started to be more solid because of me tutoring her.
I tried to force a smile when the hug ended. I didn’t know if my father was still in my house. Probably he was still living there, even though I was the one helping put a roof over our heads. Now I had been cast aside, and if not for the Willows, I didn’t know where I would be. I had a couple of friends at school, and my boss was nice, too, but let’s be honest, I didn’t know if they would have let me stay at their houses.
The rest of the clan came outside, putting jackets on and with some bags in their hands.
“Let’s pack up and go to see Grandpa.”
I was in the car with Aaron. He was sitting next to me again. When we came, they started to go to see their grandpa in small groups. I went to Mrs. Willow to see if we could talk for a moment. We went to a side of the building while the rest were in the car.
“I talked with Cassie, and I realized that they are all probably going to hear about it tomorrow at school. I thought that maybe it would be a better idea if they knew beforehand.”
She thought about it and nodded.
“Do you want to be the one telling them?”
I shook my head.
“I mean, I wouldn’t mind doing it, but I don’t know if I know how to say it. Maybe it would be better if they heard about it from you. If you think it’s better if it’s from me, I will.”
“No, I need to think how to tell them. They need to know that they are going to hear stuff tomorrow and to not believe what they heard, only our version,” she said.
“They need to know that Aaron didn’t do anything. In case there were some rumors about that.”
I realized the truth of my words while saying them, and Mrs. Willow flinched. Aaron’s reputation was also compromised. I felt horrible about it. It was all so unfair. I knew that most of them wouldn’t believe that Aaron could hurt me or get into my house. They would probably get more the part of him saving me, but there were still those who would want to imagine the worst fallacy if only because it was the juiciest. “I’m sorry for putting your family through this.”
“Maya, darling, you need to stop apologizing for this. You are a victim. You didn’t deserve any of this. You are someone very important to us; you can’t think that you can care about others, but others can’t care about you because it’s inconvenient. That’s not how it works. What I said to your mother is true. We love you like a daughter, and we are very proud of the woman that you are becoming.”
She paused and then continued. “I don’t know exactly what’s happening between my son and you. It’s something between you to discover, but I want to tell you that that has nothing to do with why we help you. I talked with him before coming here. I need to make sure that you know that whatever is happening between you two is totally fine. What I mean is that right now you are in a position of … weakness. You have problems at home. You are staying with us. I want you to know completely that if you stop wanting to be friends with Aaron or say no to anything, you can. You more than can. We want you to say no if you don’t want it. Do you understand me?”
I nodded.
“I talked with him about this just before coming. We have taught our kids about consent and respecting other people’s decisions. It’s not the same to start something with you when both of you are living apart and you don’t need the help of the other, you know what I mean? So, even if you doubt about anything, just say it, okay? It’s not that I don’t want you with him. I think you both deserve each other, but feel free to decide what you want.”
“Thanks for saying all this, but actually Aaron has been only the best to me. We … started before this happened. He first became my friend and then … I mean that he is a gentleman. He is the best, truly.”
“I’m happy to hear that, Maya, darling.”
She was smiling. “Do you want to go up with the kids?”
“Thanks, but I don’t want to scare him with my look.”
“Whatever you want, darling.”
We came back to the car and waited for the rest to go up and down. After finishing, we went to have lunch in a place that Aaron said was the best in town. It was an Indian place. They told me to try their veggie samosas and they were delicious. I told the Willows so.
Mr. Willow said to me, “I bet the town that you choose for college would have amazing Indian food, too. If not, you can just come and visit us to eat more samosas.”
Aaron’s father didn’t doubt that I was going to college like mine did. He was sure of it. I smiled at him and continued with my food. Now more than ever, I didn’t know what was going to happen with college. With a good amount of my savings lost, I needed a scholarship more than ever. Even then, it would be hard to pay for the rest. I needed to focus in these last months that I had in high school, or all my hard work would be for nothing. I would be stuck in this hometown without a ticket too far away.
That was why I decided to go to high school the next day. Before that, I called my mom and asked her to go home to pick some stuff for high school tomorrow. She told me that I still had the key to our house. I said that I didn’t. When I said that, I let her know I really meant it. I didn’t grab anything. Not even my keys. So she told me that she would be there at almost 10:00 pm after work.
Mr. Willow, Niko, Aaron and I went to my house. The girls wanted to come. They told them no. They just knew what had happened and were enraged.
Mrs. Willow didn’t think that Niko needed to come, but he insisted. He saw how violent my father could get, and he wanted to defend his family. Even if Mr. Willow was a tall, big man. He wore glasses and was extremely kind, but he had inches on my father and I had no doubt that he could send my father flying if he wanted.
When we got there, it was dark and cold.
“There’s a bump ahead. On the right,” I said.
Mr. Willow dodged it while saying, “Got it.”
Mr. Willow had his eyebrows furrowed from what I could see of his profile, but he didn’t say a word.
The road was bumpy until we got there. There were no lights on, and my mom wasn’t there yet. I didn’t realize that I was shaking until Aaron grabbed my hand. I was scared. There was an ominous feeling in the air. I was also remembering the fatal night when I came home and found the money stolen, and then ended up with these injuries. What I remembered the most was what he had said. About him believing that I was prostituting myself, about never being able to get out of this town. I didn’t say to anyone what he had said. Not even Aaron. It wasn’t because I was covering for my father. It was because it was horrible. Someone like Aaron that grew up with his father couldn’t ever understand how it was. I was grateful for that. I didn’t wish that on anyone, even less to my Aaron.
I was embarrassed, too. Not that it was my fault, but somehow I still felt shame. Also, there was the biggest part of all. That I couldn’t repeat what he said without falling down, the fear that came with it that maybe he was right in some things. Like me being selfish and me being not smart enough, and definitely in me not being able to go to college.
Mr. Willow put the radio on, and I wanted to scream for him to turn it off in case my father realized we were here by the music. Like the music could call him. He probably was in the bar drinking, not caring about anything. I tried to control my breathing.
In and out in deep breaths, and trying to keep my head clear, making lists. Things that I needed to pick up from the house for basic living. Things that I needed for high school. Important things that I didn’t want to lose. I didn’t know when I could come back again, if I could. The Willows had given me a couple of suitcases in case I needed them.
Twenty minutes after ten, a car got close to us, the light blinding us momentarily.
My mom’s car was parked next to us. She seemed rigid, sitting in the driver’s seat. I opened the door and got out first. Aaron accompanied me. I told him that I wanted to get closer to her alone. I knocked on her window and she was crying silently. It hurt me, seeing her like that. I thought that maybe she would open the door and hug me, but she didn’t. She dried her tears and got out of the car, nodded towards Mr. Willow, and then to me, and I followed her to the house.
The house was messier than when I left. More plates in the sink. Bottles of beer on the kitchen counter and the floor of the living room. It reeked of alcohol. My mom saw Aaron in the doorway, and I could feel her soul falling to the ground. She was exhausted after working so many hours. I was worried about her. This was killing her. She grabbed a trash bag and started to clean the house. I wanted to help, but she was furiously putting everything in the bag. I told Aaron to wait for me outside.
I quickly checked my parents’ bedroom first to make sure that he wasn’t there, then I went to my room and started to grab my things. I put all my class books in my bag and then I started to grab some clothes. It was wishful thinking, but I wanted my mom to come and tell me that I didn’t need to grab anything. That I could stay with her. That my father couldn’t come between us anymore. That he wouldn’t live with us.
But she didn’t. She continued to clean the living room. Then, I heard her in the bathroom. I continued to grab my clothes.
When I saw again the space where there used to be my savings, my rage came back. I wasn’t that understanding of anyone anymore.
Some of my things were broken, I supposed when he stole the money and searched the room violently. I felt betrayed. My things were tidied up, but I knew that it wasn’t in my order. Things weren’t where they were supposed to be. Someone else has had to clean it to make sure that it hid the mess that it was before. It was harder to find my stuff because of it. I could feel the rage getting bigger and bigger. I wanted to scream and fight. To tell my mom how much she had failed me. I went to the Willows’ car and brought a suitcase. Aaron raised his eyebrows.
“I’m okay,”
I told him softly. I was mad, but there was just no way that I was going to put my fury on Aaron or the Willows.
I entered the house with the suitcase and waited until my mom made eye contact to continue to my room. I wanted her to see how big my suitcase was and show some feelings towards it. She frowned and turned around, and continued what she was doing.
That was okay; I didn’t need her. Not anymore. I didn’t care about her. I started to throw my clothes into the suitcase. Then some things that meant something to me. Then I decided that because I didn’t have a lot left, I would get everything. They wouldn’t have even a pair of socks of mine. I would be erased from their lives like they seemed to want. I went to grab the other suitcase and put the rest in it.
The only things left were a couple of pictures. In one, I was with Mom, both smiling. We were both wearing braids and we looked so much alike, with rosy cheeks because of the cold. I had a cup of hot chocolate on my hands. We were on the main plaza of the town. It was Christmas Eve, and the big tree of the main plaza was behind us. I felt conflicted. I wanted to take the photo, but another part wanted her to have it.
I wanted her to realize what she was throwing away. That she had hurt the little girl in the photo, that she had tossed her aside like she was nothing more than a lying inconvenience.
But what if she didn’t care? If she just threw the photo in the trash bag that she was throwing junk in? The photo would be lost forever, and I would lose the proof that they were good moments. If they were only bad moments, this would be easier. It was easier with my father; he had given me too many bad moments with him at this point to make me even try to think that the good was more than the bad. But with Mom, it was different. I still had hope.
I felt a tear coming down my cheek. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t cry. The tears didn’t work for anything. Didn’t make anything better. Just destroyed you emotionally, leaving you without strength to face what was trying to cause you to cry.
I decided to take the photos, if only to have a picture of myself when I was a kid. I made sure that I packed everything, opening and closing the drawers. When I finished, I pictured my room in my head. This was the room of my childhood. The color of the walls, a pastel pink. I chose it when I was six. I wanted a color that could attract the fairies to my room.
There were a couple of fairies that my mom had made from scratches of fabric. One was below my bed, stuck to the wall below where the bed was. I was scared of monsters below my bed so she had decided to put a fairies there so she could protect me from the monsters. I grabbed it. I looked at the one by the window. It made it seem like it had just entered my room. I grabbed it and left it on top of my bed. I left that one for my mom. In case she wanted a trinket of our past selves.
I got out of my room with my two suitcases. I heard my mom crying in the bathroom. I made noise closing the door of my room and pushing the suitcases, but she didn’t come to say anything. Not even goodbye.