Chapter 5 Heidi
HEIDI
“How many times do I have to tell you to stop pulling your punches? When someone comes at you, are you going to do the same?” I shook my head from side to side answering Cedees latter question. “Okay then. I been at this long enough to roll with the punches. You can’t hurt me.”
Nodding, I bit down on the mouth guard and took a stance.
Since I’d been sparring with Mercedees, my confidence had grown tremendously.
I wasn’t the bravest person in the room, but I was no longer the weakest. Cedees could run with the big dawgs on any given day. I was aspiring to get to that point.
The advice Dr. Wright gave me helped. I quit waddling in my sorrow and found an outlet.
A full year had passed since I last saw Empathy Emporium.
I learned quickly that I was in my own way of healing when she broke me down and spoke to me in raw form.
Nothing about what I went through could be trashed so easily but it could be mended and formed into a lesson.
Cedees didn’t wear gloves with me that often and now was one of those times.
She threw haymakers with her bare hands.
She wasn’t afraid of anything, and it’d been like that since we were kids.
Royce used that to his advantage and had her fighting neighborhood kids in groups.
She loved every bit of it. If the girl could register her hands for real, she would.
Come on Heidi. You got this.
Inhaling deeply, I threw my hands up and prepared myself for a battle with my girl. Cedees was what you called a headhunter. She went for anything above the neck ignoring my body completely. Me on the other hand, I was just trying my hardest to land a hit.
“Here we go,” she said before becoming light on her feet.
She bounced from right to left in a rhythm.
I followed her every movement and coached myself along the way.
When she threw a jab, I countered as best as I could.
Being confrontational wasn’t my thing so I rarely and I do mean rarely had to fight.
However, this wasn’t for a normal brawl between me and another woman.
This was me gaining control and never letting a man take advantage of me again.
Left, right, left. Step back, right jab to the ribs.
This was a combo I seemed to have down pact.
It was also one that allowed me to stick and move.
After all the things I took from Dr. Wright, this one seemed to be the most trusted one.
Being defenseless wasn’t something I’d ever be again.
Wondering if the next man I hold a conversation with was going to let me be or have his way wasn’t how I wanted to live anymore.
I took my focus off Cedees for a split and she rocked my shit. Stumbling back, I heard her deliver a mannish laugh. “Don’t ever take your eyes off your opponent until you got them down on the ground and even then, don’t let them ponder for too long,” she advised.
Shaking off the attack, I threw my guard back up and maintained eye contact. All I thought about when I got in the ring was the fuck nigga that brought me chaos and confusion. Everything Mercedees was teaching me, I applied to my everyday life. I wasn’t just a sitting duck anymore.
Right, right, left, right.
I was able to land two hits on her. One on her left rib and one on her right jaw. I knew Cedees was crazy when she smirked at the taste of her own blood. “Okay cousin. You’re stronger than you think, I see.”
She did a slight bounce and shook off the jabs.
I couldn’t lie; I got a little scared. She did this shit for fun and nothing, but joy stemmed from this.
I told her several times that she was my inspiration to becoming stronger.
As usual, she gave me words of encouragement in the most ghettoest way she could.
A smile graced my lips as confidence began to surge through me. Before I could throw another combo, my cell rang out. “Hold tight Cedees. Let me see who this is, right quick.”
Nodding, she quickly helped me with my gloves so I could answer. I climbed out the ring and grabbed my phone off the top of my gym bag. Seeing that it was the call I’d been expecting for months, I swiped across the screen enthusiastically.
“Hello, this is Heidi.”
“Hi Heidi, this is Erin Squinks down at Nurturing Pathways.”
“Hi Ms. Squinks, what can I do for you?”
“Well, I thought I’d give you a ring personally letting you know we have some exciting news for you. Is there any way we can get you to come down and talk with us? We think you’ll be pleased,” she squealed with excitement.
“Of course. Uhm, I can be there within the next hour. Is that alright?” I inquired.
“Sure thing. See you shortly.” With that, she disconnected the call.
Looking over at Cedees, I noticed she’d already stepped out of the ring and untapped her hands. The Atkins were attentive as fuck and read body language like a scholar would a book. They were also nosy, so I had no doubt in my mind she’d eavesdropped on my conversation.
“I have to go Cedees. That was the adoption agency with good news.”
Walking over to where I was standing, she copped a squat on the side of the ring. She was also tall like everyone else in her family. She came in at five feet eleven inches intimidating the many men she encountered.
With a towel draped over her shoulders, she asked, “Adoption agency? You’re looking to adopt? Why didn’t I know that cousin?”
“It’s something I’ve been keeping on the low. I didn’t want to jinx myself or get my hopes up to high then fail at this as well.”
“Adopting a child is huge bitch. Hell, being a mother period is big within itself. So, what are you looking for? Newborns, toddlers, early childhood, teenagers… what?”
Before answering, I hopped up on the side of the ring and took a seat beside her. Cedees was family so telling her didn’t trigger me. She was very familiar with the things I’d been through.
“Honestly, after that whole situation, being alive was the biggest challenge for me. Being a wife let alone a mom was out the picture. Then one day Klarity comes into the picture and my views shift. Cheyonne following up caused an even greater one. I want to be loved and appreciated the way they are, as well as give a child the love they deserve. However, procreating is out the fuckin’ window.
No man will ever in his life feel the inside of me again.
It’s confusing to many, but it’s what I want,” I vented.
She got the real and a lot of it was things I hadn’t yet revealed to Royce.
“All I want you to know is that you’re still a prize worth having cousin.
Whether that love comes from a child or a man, that life you desire will find you.
I’m proud of you for not letting that stop you from being able to want things.
I’ve witnessed you go to some dark places, and honestly…
I’d dig that pussy nigga up and empty clip after clip in him if I knew where Royce put him.
” She choked up on her last comment. Her glossy eyes held nothing but sorrow as she stared into space.
Wrapping my arm around her shoulder, I squeezed lightly. Cedees was my biggest supporter outside of Royce. I expected nothing less than raw emotion and conversation.
“I’m good boo. It took me a long ass time to get here but with y’all help, I’m making it.
Hopefully, this little baby can help me restore what that nigga stole.
A little confidence and unconditional love is all I need.
Thank you for sparring with me Cedees. I have to go, but I’ll be back on the compound for dinner. I love you, baby boo.”
We engaged in a sisterly hug before she uttered, “I love you cousin. Watch yourself, aight?”
Nodding, I snatched up my gym bag and headed out the door.
Glancing at the time on my cell, I saw that it was a little after three in the afternoon.
The adoption agency was across town, but the time never really mattered in Sage Springs when it came to traffic.
Some days it was packed out bumper to bumper while others were mellow from sunup to sundown.
Nothing was of consistency in this city.
Approaching my car, I hit the key fob to unlock the doors. I also didn’t miss the opportunity to give the parking lot a quick scan before hopping inside my whip and locking them immediately after. Paranoia was introduced years ago and never left. He really did a number on me.
Once I was safe and secured, I pulled out hitting the main road. Moments later, I was on the highway cruising with the tunes of Roux seeping through the speakers. Her soulful voice often expressed depression. I guess that was why I loved her so much. Even the fame couldn’t bring her joy.
It took me all of thirty-two minutes to get to the agency.
When I pulled into their parking lot, my heart instantly dropped.
Ms. Squinks said it was good news, so I was trying to keep that in mind.
My nerves were tearing me up though. I didn’t know if I housed the right tools to love someone else at the moment. I was still working on myself.
Parking, I shut off the car and took a minute to gather my thoughts. Being a mom was a step I was so indecisive about. I didn’t have my own parents but somehow, I felt the need to be one to someone else. A darn stranger at that.
As I gripped the steering wheel, I leaned forward letting my head rest on my hands. With my eyes closed, I said a quick prayer.
“God, I humbly ask you to continue to guide my steps. This isn’t an easy task, and I’m working hard on becoming one of your strongest soldiers.
Patience, strength, and love is what this child needs.
Clear my heart, mind, and soul to be able to deliver that to them. In your heavenly name I pray, amen.”