Chapter 19 #2
Sarah continued CPR after that, and my eyes flickered from the patient to the monitor and then to Haley. “You can do another epi, or what else is there that you can try?” I asked, trying to keep her engaged in the teaching moment because I could see the panic starting to fill her eyes.
Haley repeated her same steps as before a few more times—check for rhythm, shock, epi, continue CPR. And despite trying to keep herself level-headed, I could see the frustration and worry mounting when the patient wasn’t coming out of it.
It’d been roughly thirty minutes now…and I knew we had already lost him.
“Stop compressions,” Haley breathed, looking at the monitor. He was still in VT. “Marie, grab the amio.”
Marie looked at her. She knew we lost him, too. “Hales…”
“Three hundred of amio, Marie!”
Marie slid her gaze to mine, and I took a step forward. “It’s been thirty minutes, Haley.” I wasn’t trying to undermine her, just hinting at how long it’d been in case she hadn’t realized.
Haley stepped forward and grabbed the amiodarone, pushing it herself. “He’s thirty years old! We can’t just give up on him! Move!” She pushed Sarah out of the way, stepped onto the step stool, and began performing compressions herself.
Marie and Sarah both looked at me again, understanding shining in their eyes. No matter what role you played, loss was never easy, especially with a patient so young.
“Haley,” I said gently as she continued compressions.
I watched her head whip toward the monitor, and I saw the defeat start to creep into her expression at the lack of change, but she persisted with compressions anyway.
I took another step forward. “Haley.” She looked at me, and I could see the glisten in her eyes.
It fucking gutted me. “You need to call it…” She started to shake her head, but I cut her off with a nod. “He’s gone,” I whispered.
She let out a ragged breath as she looked back at the patient…
then slowly, she stopped compressions. She stood there frozen, but no one moved, giving her a moment.
“Time of–” Her voice cracked as she pulled off her gloves and threw them in the trash.
“Time of death…seventeen twenty-three.” She stepped off the stool and walked out of the room.
I helped Marie with a few things, then I left the room on a mission to find Haley.
After five minutes of searching, I found her outside in the small alleyway between the ER and one of the clinical office buildings. She was sitting with her knees to her chest, leaning against the brick with her face buried in her hands as she cried.
I approached her slowly, then crouched down in front of her. “Hey…” I heard her breath hitch through a quiet sob, and I reached up, gently peeling her hands from her face. “Look at me.”
When she lifted her tear-filled eyes to mine, it gutted me all over again. “Did I-I miss something?”
“No.” I shook my head. “You didn’t miss anything, Haley.”
Her breath hitched again. “I-I don’t know why I’m so—it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
“Loss is always hard, but it hits different when you’re the one calling the shots. And it’s a hell of a lot easier to blame yourself because of it. But you did everything right.”
After a few quiet moments, Haley slowly stood from the ground. She wiped her cheeks only for more tears to fall as she shook her head, dropping her eyes to the pavement. “He was so damn young,” she choked out in a whisper.
“I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that you did everything you could.
” I didn’t think as I cupped her face and tilted her head, forcing her gaze to meet mine.
“Listen to me. It’s not your fault. What happened was entirely out of your control, and there was nothing that you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. ”
I knew exactly what she was feeling. And I said the exact words to her that had been said to me countless times over the past year.
At that moment, I wished I could take my own damn advice.
I pulled her to me. My arms wrapped around her shoulders as I tucked her head beneath my chin, and I felt her hands come up, resting on my back as she returned the embrace. And, goddammit, having her in my arms like that felt right in all of the ways it shouldn’t.
“What do you need?” I asked quietly. “What can I do to help you feel better?”
She was quiet for a moment before speaking, her voice a low murmur. “Tell me something real.”
I let out a breath, feeling my lips twitch as I thought for a moment. “I bought a kayak the other day.”
A tearful laugh escaped her as she drew back from my arms, lifting her hands to wipe her cheeks again. “Whoa. Pump the brakes. You’re getting pretty personal now,” she quipped despite her current state.
The corner of my mouth lifted as I subconsciously reached out to brush away a lingering tear from her cheek with my thumb.
I knew I shouldn’t be looking at her the way I was, touching her in a way that felt like more than a simple gesture of comfort…
but I couldn’t seem to help myself, either.
But then, I heard the small breath that left her as she stared up at me, and I suddenly dropped my hand back to my side.
She took a small step back, her eyes never leaving mine. “Thank you.”
I swallowed before clearing my throat. “You’re welcome.”
I spent the next week thinking about that shift at work. Not just that moment I shared with Haley in that alleyway, but what I’d said to her about that patient we lost—not she, we, because at work, we were a team.
Nate had been telling me for months now that what happened to Noah wasn’t my fault, and while I still struggled to believe that, something about offering the same advice to Haley had me contemplating things more than I ever had before.
After going back and forth all week, talking myself in and out of it several times, I took the ferry into Charleston early Saturday afternoon.
I’d been parked on the side of the quiet suburban road for the last twenty minutes, staring at the house across the street, the guilt and nerves churning my stomach.
I rubbed my eyes as I let out a shaky breath…
then finally exited my Jeep. My steps felt heavy as I crossed the street and walked up the pathway and onto the front porch of the ranch-style home.
I lifted my trembling hand, hesitating for another moment before I rang the doorbell.
The seconds felt like hours as I stood there, when suddenly, the door opened.
Melanie’s eyes went wide when she saw me, and she let out a breath. “Blake…”
I couldn’t speak. Because as I stared at her, my vision blurring, all I could see was him.
Then, she moved, stepping forward and reaching up to pull me into a hug. And a wave of sheer relief hit me.
Because I knew, even if I still blamed myself, she didn’t.
“I’m sorry,” I choked out. “I’m so fucking sorry, Mel.”
For what happened.
For losing him.
For being a coward and vanishing.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she said, her voice trembling. “Nothing.” She drew back, looking up at me, her hazel eyes filled with tears, but her expression stern. “Do you hear me?”
I bit down on the inside of my cheek, nodding, albeit reluctantly. She clearly knew the details. She knew what I was apologizing for. And she still didn’t blame me.
She blew out a breath, smiling through her tears as she stepped back. “Come on. Come inside. Let me make you something to eat while we catch up.”
As I followed her inside, I could feel it...a minuscule fraction of that weight I’d been carrying lifting from my shoulders.